Leaving a girl I once loved

[rondon]

Hi,

I'm not a frequent poster in these forums. But I just experienced something so heart-wrenching that I just ... had to tell others. I'm not saying that this can help other people, I just want to hear what you have to say. Though I already made the cowardly choice...

I'm 30 years old. And my mind was filled with all sorts of notions and knowledge and tips about seduction and what not. But not enough "application".

Then came a time when I found someone I was really attracted to, someone I could really hang out with. As friend or as lover. I started getting close to her. Eventually, she became my girlfriend...

... then things started getting... wierd - for lack of a better term. We eventually had sex. My first time. Letting the hormones rage. And then... eventually...

... i lost "feelings" for her. Intellectually, i loved her. I'm willing to stay with her, not give up on her, etc. I can do it like a robot. Logically. And I wanted to be honest to her so bad, so I told her. I told her that there's no more feelings, but I choose to love her.

She didn't want that. She already saw something like that - she saw it in her parents' situation. She didn't want a marriage like that, where she's madly in love, and her partner is going "umm...ok i love you. I can do x,y,z for you."

Turned out she was pregnant. She didn't want any of my help. I'm not worried about her friends labeling me a maniac, a user. I deserve that - I was. But I want to be there for her. And yet, she asked me if I loved her, and I couldn't answer with a pure heart. I wanted to choose to love her, but she didn't want a forced kind of love. She wants the real thing.

It aches my heart. Can't I choose to love her? Can't I go with my logic? I remember a quote where the definition of courage is not the absense of fear, but acting despite of fear. Isn't this the case for this as well? I can throw caution to the wind - who cares right? Go after her. I haven't even introduced her to my parents. I haven't even seen her parents personally. I can do that. I can go there, quit my job, start a new one there, as she got pregnant. I can take care of her...

I remember an SP article...
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...y-big-problem/

She was, "objectively", a gem of a girl. I doubted because of what other people might say. Call me the worst thing in the world - because I was. I was the worst thing in the world when I couldn't tell her I love her, after all she did for me. After all the love she gave...

She wanted out. She said we should move on. She's already a "veteran" of 3 breakups (me being the third). God.... I'm such a jerk.

What (I think) I learned? On a practical level, use condoms. On a really emotional level - really love a girl completely if you're gonna enter a relationship. But I didn't follow that, there, I'm just saying empty words. I'm so good with words, but the action seems lacking...

And so - I left her. She's leaving tomorrow, back to her parents. I cost her a lot of things, even her job I think. And where am I? Here, typing on the forums, not having the courage to stand up to what I did. Because she didn't want any of it? No - I'm a coward. God, I hate myself.

Hard times ahead of her. God... I really hate myself right now. But hey - I'm here typing, and she's there taking care of all the people she loves...

[JimOfferman]

You - in my humble opinion - need to start taking some responsibility for your life and your actions. Don't wallow in your self-hate, but take a long hard look at where you are now and gear up for a change for the better. Maybe a good start would be to go over your post here and lift out all the stuff you never ever want to do again - not to someone else or to yourself.

[rondon]

Hey Jim,

I wanted - _needed_ - to hear that. Thanks for that.

Ron

[ZHereford]

Hi rondon,

As much as you should have been more careful and responsible on all levels, she is culpable here too. Why didn't she take precautions? Neither of you should have rushed into a relationship. It sounds like she is taking responsibility for her end of it. I agree that if you don't really love her or in the way she wants, you're better off apart.

Don't beat yourself up any further here. Live and learn!

[Joe826]

I understand you feel a lot of guilt and shame, I've been there. However, you should know that if you don't really love her, you're definitely better off apart. You can only force yourself to love her for so long, and even then, she'll feel robbed of an authentic, loving relationship.

The fact that you don't have feelings for her is no fault of your own. You can't force these things. It happens all the time. You're not to blame.

I agree with everyone who says it's time to take responsibility, but don't confuse this with beating yourself up more. Taking responsibility means you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and become a better person because of it.

Best of luck.

[rondon]

Zhereford,

She trusted me completely, that's why she gave in to my wants. Like you said, she is a very responsible person, and is even to take care of kid on her own.


Joe826,

I really feel guilty leaving her with a child. I want to ease her burden somewhat, financially or otherwise, in raising the child. I know she's going to reject it though. What did you do in your situation?

[JimOfferman]

Ron,

You're welcome! I agree with what ZHereford and Joe have added - don't get stuck on this, pick up the pieces and move on. It's admirable that you want to share in the burden (and joys?) of raising this child. I think it would be best if you leave it to her to decide how exactly you can help. Tell her that you want to take responsibility, but don't force your responsibility on her. If she rejects your help at first, tell her she is free to change her mind later on... who knows, she might decide that it's best for her child to be in contact with it's father...

All the best,
Jim.

[Chado2423]

The important thing in a relationship is not to make the other happy or to expect the other one to make you happy, but to make yourself happy and offer this happiness as a free gift to the other!

[Joe826]

Originally Posted by rondon

I really feel guilty leaving her with a child. I want to ease her burden somewhat, financially or otherwise, in raising the child. I know she's going to reject it though. What did you do in your situation?

I was never in a situation involving a child, so I can see how that'd complicate things. Really, you do the only thing you can do. Like others have said, face up to what's happened, and tell her you want to help raise the child in someway.

She probably will reject your attempts to help, but as time goes on, perhaps she'll change her mind. More importantly, you need to know you did all you can do.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by rondon

She trusted me completely, that's why she gave in to my wants. Like you said, she is a very responsible person, and is even to take care of kid on her own.

Are you saying you encouraged her to take no precautions?

I really feel guilty leaving her with a child. I want to ease her burden somewhat, financially or otherwise, in raising the child. I know she's going to reject it though.

You should help out, financially and otherwise. Even if she rejects the help, insist on it, not to feel less guilty but because you are partially responsible for the situation.

[rondon]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Are you saying you encouraged her to take no precautions?

You should help out, financially and otherwise. Even if she rejects the help, insist on it, not to feel less guilty but because you are partially responsible for the situation.

ZHereford,

To a degree, I did encourage her. Intellectually, I know I could get her pregnant, and all the consequences of unprotected sex. And yet, out of her so-called love, she would've allowed anything to happen.

You're right that I am partially responsible. And while I really feel guilty, I'm also aware that giving support is the right thing to do.

Right now, I already gone back to her. Honestly, taking responsibility for this stupidity of mine is scaring the living daylights out of me. I used to spend my time just idling, browsing the web and generally "wasting time". But I know its the right thing to do - to support her. I left my previous job, and am in position to a new one where I could presumably be where she needs me. But if that doesn't work out I'll even quit that.

Keep the advice/tips/info coming. Very appreciated.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by rondon

To a degree, I did encourage her. Intellectually, I know I could get her pregnant, and all the consequences of unprotected sex. And yet, out of her so-called love, she would've allowed anything to happen.

I would argue then, that both of you went wrong on this. You ought to have shown better judgment and used protection, but she also looses points for risking pregnancy with a man she knew didn't truly love her.

[rondon]

Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice and viewpoints you gave me.

It was unfair of me to pretend to love the girl. I loved her, really. But its time to own up to my decisions, even painful ones...

She said she wasn't pregnant. And even if she was I agree with you that I want to support the child, even if I know she won't allow me.

She was such a precious girl - I'm the one with the defect, I was the one who couldn't love her. If there's a fault in the relationship, its on my side, not hers. She gave the relationship everything...

I'm currently sorting through my emotions... do i really love her? But I didn't tell her that. I already asked too much when I asked for forgiveness...

I told her that she should move on. That she should forget about me. I already caused her enough pain as it is.

I broke up. Told her that I'm the one in doubt, the one who was uncertain. She cried over the phone. I'm such a jerk...

I don't know where else this will lead. I myself need to shape up, to make all those so-called improvements. Really take more responsibility for my life..

That's it for now. Thanks for the support.

Rondon

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by rondon

I'm the one with the defect, I was the one who couldn't love her.

Please understand that your inability to love her is not a defect. You simply can't force yourself to love someone - you either do or you don't. All you can do is not enter a relationship with someone you don't love. Or, to put it more constructively perhaps, only enter a relationship with someone you do love.

First you should learn how to truly love yourself. It appears you have a very negative view of yourself, which is of no help to you in this world. Don't get stuck on the bad stuff - no one on this earth, myself included, is made up of only good. Look instead at all the positive aspects of you and your personality and work on making those stronger - so strong in fact that you as a whole can shine, even with a few bad stains on your armor.

Good luck,
Jim.