I've tried A, I've tried B, I've tried C... why does she continue to elude me?

[cdn2wheeler]

First time poster, extraordinarily confused and more than a little nervous about this whole situation. For the sake of brevity, I'll keep this as short as possible.

To cut to the chase... I'm in love with my neighbour. We're both divorced, neither of us are involved in a relationship. She has two small kids (a girl 7 & a boy 4) that see me almost as a surrogate dad, because their biological father isn't interested in them (that's a long story in itself, but I won't bore you with it here).

The similarities between us are astounding, far too much to be coincidental. We've lived in close proximity for a number of years, and I've always been there to support her in any way I can, from shovelling her driveway to looking after the kids.

The long and short of it is that I'm certain that she and I would be an outstanding match; like I said, our similarities are astounding.

I have no doubt that if she'd open her heart to me, she'd begin to see a world of wonderful possibilities, but her past gets in the way and won't allow her to do that. She was burned so badly in her last relationship that her distrust of men borders on the pathological.

I've done everything I know what to do, from "putting out the positive vibes" and using the law of attraction, being thankful for her openness with me and all the rest... but nada. I know that my perceptions are creating the reality, so if I perceive her as being bitter than that's what I'll see. So I see her, hear her, feel her as being loving, warm, accepting and ready to trust me...

But the result is the same. I may as well dream that I sprout wings and fly.

I guess this can pretty much fall into the category of, "Why isn't it working?" Suggestions, anyone?

[Dan.Linehan]

Have you been on a date with her?

[cdn2wheeler]

Wow... I didn't expect a response so quickly. Thanks.

If you mean by "date" something like dinner and a movie or whatever, no, except the occasional dinner with her kids at a local fast-food place. Occasionally - not often, maybe 7 or 8 times a year - we'll spend some intimate time together after the kids are asleep, and the sex is wonderful. But it's very rare, and she's certainly not interested in anything romantic, just the physical release of lovemaking. (I know it sounds odd, and that there are men who DREAM of this sort of relationship, but frankly it's just not my style.)

Does that answer your question?

[Lauxa]

As I understand it, you can't use the Law of Attraction to attract a specific person. Instead, you make out a list of the qualities you want in another person and in the relationship and trust the universe to send you the person that will fulfill those qualities. The universe will send you what you ask for, but you have to be flexible in how your request is fulfilled.

I've heard a powerful prayer to use when trying to attract something specific is "This, or something better."

Maybe some other people have a different understanding, though; this is an interesting thread.

[Ree]

If she's been hurt very badly, she may be done with relationships and you might have to accept that. Time may help her get over the pain from the past. The fact that you've been a good friend and haven't made any demands on her relationship-wise is certainly in your favor. However, if you truly care about her, you naturally want the very best for her. That might mean that you'll only have her in your life as a friend.

As an aside, I hope she realizes how incredibly fortunate she is to have such a good friend as you. Please don't under estimate how important you are to her and her children. No doubt you've made a very valuable contribution to this family and that's a good thing.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Ree

If she's been hurt very badly, she may be done with relationships and you might have to accept that. Time may help her get over the pain from the past. The fact that you've been a good friend and haven't made any demands on her relationship-wise is certainly in your favor. However, if you truly care about her, you naturally want the very best for her. That might mean that you'll only have her in your life as a friend.

As an aside, I hope she realizes how incredibly fortunate she is to have such a good friend as you. Please don't under estimate how important you are to her and her children. No doubt you've made a very valuable contribution to this family and that's a good thing.

Thanks, all, for the responses.

I have been a good friend to her and to her kids, but I want to be clear about something: I didn't become her friend and support because I wanted something more. I became her friend and support because she, and especially the kids, needed it.

As time passed, my feelings grew deeper and more meaningful, and almost simultaneously I started learning a bit about this whole Law of Attraction. (Coincidence? I'll leave that up to you to decide.)

But here's the thing: To put these feelings back under wraps, to bury them because I'll just "be a friend" and nothing more, is heartwrenching and bewildering.

There is, frankly, no greater insult for a man to hear from a woman he's romantically interested in than the "I like you as a friend" or "let's just be friends" speech. It essentially boils down to, "You're second-rate. You might get some of my attention, and only on my terms, but you won't get any of my feelings." It's a monumental slap in the face, a complete and total rejection of who he is as a man.

[Rose of Cairo]

Did she say that? "I like you only as a friend"?

Did you TELL her honestly what you feel for her? Did you tell her what you exactly want? From your posts that's not clear to me.

You have to tell her. How can she be open, after having been hurt badly, to a man who sleeps with her but does not tell her he loves her like crazy?
Tell her honestly how much you love her and what you want and ask her what she wants.

If she says "no", or "not yet", you'll have to accept her decision. LoA or not...

Good luck to you!

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Did she say that? "I like you only as a friend"?

Did you TELL her honestly what you feel for her? Did you tell her what you exactly want? From your posts that's not clear to me.

You have to tell her. How can she be open, after having been hurt badly, to a man who sleeps with her but does not tell her he loves her like crazy?
Tell her honestly how much you love her and what you want and ask her what she wants.

If she says "no", or "not yet", you'll have to accept her decision. LoA or not...

Good luck to you!

I did tell her, once, a while ago, that I thought she and I had a good foundation for a more meaningful relationship and I was interested in pursing it further.

I got a one-word response: NO! (all caps, including the exclamation mark, though it was on a hand-written note, not online like this)

LoA or not? So, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't? And how is one to know when it will and when it won't?

*edited to add*

Should have thought of this earlier...

The only time we ever sleep together is when she calls me, and like I said before it's only a handful of times per year. As well, after I had suggested that we "date" or try out a more meaningful relationship, she got quite pi$$ed off and wouldn't speak to me for a few days. Well, I'm trainable; if I do something and get bit, I won't do it again. I feel that if I bring it up again, the results may be bad for both of us. When I started learning about LoA and applying the process, I was trusting the "universe" (or whatever one wishes to call it) to make things happen. But, so far at least, nothing. Granted, that may change tomorrow... or it may never change at all.

[Rose of Cairo]

hmm.... you told her and she answered writing?? or you wrote her?
I don't know... "we have a good foundation for a more meaningful relationship and I'm interested in pursuing it further" does not sound like "I love you I love you I love you, I'll do anything for you, please trust me" I mean, it sounds quite... reasonable... but not very passionate. I would not want a man telling me such a formal thing! But that's me, please don't take it that seriously. maybe she's very different from me. Maybe she has doubts wether you really love her? So my suggestion is, tell her really. With all your passion. Really try. Offer her flowers and invite her on a real date. Take the risk. You have not much to lose...

If she says no again, you'll have to accept it. It's her decision. Accept it no matter what. That's elementar respect.

The LoA always works. If used correctly, you will attract the kind of person or the kind of relationship you want. But sometimes the perfect partner is not the one we think it is... So you should concentrate on what kind of person/relationship you want, rather than on this specific person. Erin wrote about that, look at this.

One more thing: I said "if used correctly" above, because you will always attract what you are concentrating on. So, if you concentrate on her rejecting you, you will attract more of this rejection. If you concentrate on being rejected generally, you will go on being rejected. Never focus on the lack of what you want!

I recommend you to read Ask and it is Given if you haven't yet


edit: oh, just seen what you edited... sounds like my advice of really trying wouldn't be very smart after all I don't know, I'm not an expert for relationships, lol...

[Ree]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

There is, frankly, no greater insult for a man to hear from a woman he's romantically interested in than the "I like you as a friend" or "let's just be friends" speech. It essentially boils down to, "You're second-rate. You might get some of my attention, and only on my terms, but you won't get any of my feelings." It's a monumental slap in the face, a complete and total rejection of who he is as a man.

Actually, it's not about you, it's about her. At least that's true if, as you said, she is basing her resistance to you on past hurts. Maybe she's opening up to you in the best way she can. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself or assume it's a "total rejection of who you are as a man."

I do feel for you, because you're in a spot no one would enjoy. Maybe you do know what you SHOULD do, but it's not what you WANT to do??

[cdn2wheeler]

I took a look at the link that Rose of Cairo included in her post (thanks, Rose!) and saw the following:

Originally Posted by Erin Palvina

Because another person is involved and this person has his own intentions you cannot control what he will do, and you cannot ask the universe to force someone to feel a certain way about you.

OK, I understand that. Other people have their own intentions and their own freewill. Makes sense.

Then I remembered reading something that Steve wrote in a blog entry:

Originally Posted by Steve Palvina

I too am just a manifestation of your consciousness. I play the role you expect me to play. If you expect me to be a helpful guide, I will be. If you expect me to be profound and insightful, I will be. If you expect me to be confused or deluded, I will be. But of course there’s no distinct ME that is separate from YOU. I’m just one of your many creations. I am what you intend me to be. But deep down you already knew that, didn’t you?

Now, maybe I'm missing something here, but these two messages seem contradictory.

Erin writes that I can't attract a specific person in my life because the other person has their own intentions. But Steve writes that the other person is basically a manifestation of my own consciousness, therefore using LoA should bring about the desired result.

These concepts are mutually exclusive. Either other people have freewill and their own personalized intentions or they're a manifestation of my consciousness and open to influence through LoA.

Which is it?

[learningtogrow]

What a great question and I look forward to hearing what other people have to say.

I hate to say it, but in my opinion, women like a challenge. It sounds to me like anytime she says jump.......
If you still want her then maybe it'll happen but you need a backbone.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

I did tell her, once, a while ago, that I thought she and I had a good foundation for a more meaningful relationship and I was interested in pursing it further.

I got a one-word response: NO!

The only time we ever sleep together is when she calls me, and like I said before it's only a handful of times per year. As well, after I had suggested that we "date" or try out a more meaningful relationship, she got quite pi$$ed off and wouldn't speak to me for a few days.

I know that you sincerely believe that you and this woman have astounding similarities and would make a great match. And yet she has been very upfront about saying that she's not interested--you're going to have to trust that she sees things differently and maybe sees/feels incompatibilities that you can't see now in your enthusiasm for wanting to be together.

The LoA isn't about trying to force a situation--it's about allowing things to happen for your higher good. When someone out-and-out says "no" to you, and you keep pursuing them, you are going against the grain and trying to make something happen rather than trusting the universe to provide your highest desires.

It also sounds like you are attached to proving yourself worthy. You seem to have a lot of negative emotion and judgment around the topic of "let's be friends"--it is insulting to you and you are desperately trying to prove yourself, and that desperation is working against your vibe. It is most likely a personal turn-off for her as well.

The number one thing you need to do is step back and get to a place where you are not so attached to the outcome. If you know any emotional release techniques--EFT, Sedona, meditation, prayer, yoga--employ these tools now to cultivate detachment to outcomes.

On a basic social level, what's manifested here is your belief that you don't deserve a sexy, loving, adult relationship. You're going along with this by being this woman's friend and occasional sex buddy (at her behest) and, yeah, she probably sees you as a reliable friend, not a boyfriend.

See if you can focus on learning detachment, going with the flow, and finding a woman you can be truly romantic with. Give up the idea of being with this woman until you can reconfigure your dynamic so that she sees you as a romantic possibility, and not "just a friend."

And to sum: fish, sea, plenty.

When I think of some of the men I have crushed out on, convinced that they could be The One--I look back and laugh. The only magical quality they had was ambivalence, which fed right into my patterns of self-destruction.

Heal that desperation and feeling of lack and feeling of "not deserving" and there will be plenty of great women who will want to be with you!

[cdn2wheeler]

As I review these posts and the responses, and I realize that much of what I say may sound pretty pathetic. Actually, the interaction between her and I is generally pretty good, I'm just trying to outline some of the basics.

Still wondering, though, about the contradiction between Steve & Erin's take on personal volition and freewill.

[Rose of Cairo]

I cannot answer for Erin and Steve, but as I see it, there is no contradiction. In his post, Steve is in the context of subjective reality. I guess Erin is in the context of objective reality.

In objective reality, she has her own intentions and you cannot force her. In subjective reality, she's a part of your consciousness. That she rejects you means that some part of yourself rejects you. That's just two different manners to look at the same thing.

If one part of yourself rejects you, you'll have negative, rejecting thoughts about yourself, and if you have negative, rejecting thoughts, because of the LoA you will attract rejection and negative feedback, so she rejects you. Inversely, if she rejects you, because of the LoA that means that you must have some rejecting, negative thoughts about yourself, and that means that some part of yourself is rejecting you. She represents this part of yourself in subjective reality. So you see, there is no contradiction: it's equivalent.

That's my own, personal, very spontaneous interpretation now... don't know it exactly. but I guess what you interpret into her behaviour ("You're second-rate. You might get some of my attention, and only on my terms, but you won't get any of my feelings.") is what you actually think about yourself, in one reality and in the other.

You seem to have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself and about this situation. I would suggest that you work on this instead of obsessing about this woman and nagging about the situation.

Don't be offended please... I know what I'm talking about, because I am currently obsessing about a man and nagging about a situation too In subjective reality, you are the part of myself doing this and that's why I found your post In objective reality, doing this attracts other people doing the same into my life. It's the same. Get it?

[cdn2wheeler]

Wow... this whole subjective/objective reality thing is enough to give me a headache..!

Firstly, no offence taken, no worries there at all.

But more to the point, the difference between Steve & Erin's posts goes to the heart of what LoA is all about: According to Erin, there's diddly I can do about any situation that involves another person's freewill because reality is objective. According to Steve, I can make a difference in a situation like this based on LoA because their reality is in line with my own reality.

Whether one reality is any more, well, real than the other isn't at issue. What's at issue, at least for me, is whether LoA will make any difference.

An objective LoA interpretation would say, for instance, that regardless of my feelings or expectations about a matter - especially one involving the participation of another party - the other party's freewill negates any LoA.

A subjective LoA interpretation postulates that because everyone and all around me are simply a reflection of my own interpretations, I can fundamentally influence matters that may, at first glance, seem entirely out of my control.

So I really don't seem them as being two sides of the same proverbial coin. Granted, all of this LoA stuff is pretty new to me, so undoubtedly there are aspects of it that I don't fully understand.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

An objective LoA interpretation would say, for instance, that regardless of my feelings or expectations about a matter - especially one involving the participation of another party - the other party's freewill negates any LoA.

No! The other party's free will does not negate any LoA. The LoA still works in any case. Your feelings and expectations directly attract the situation you are in. Always. I'll try to explain. Let's assume we are in an objective reality.

Basically, LoA == you attract whatever you concentrate on. As you currently concentrate on rejection and other negative thoughts, you'll attract rejection and negative things. For example, women who don't want you.

The point is, you cannot attract abundance out of a mindset of scarcity. That means, you will never be able to attract a loving, serious relationship (with anyone!) as long as you concentrate on you not having such a loving, serious relationship. You're thinking a lot of why someone doesn't want you, so you attract more of someone not wanting you.

That's not because this special woman has her own free will and by accident does not want you. It's a direct consequence of the Law of Attraction: if you feel bad and expect something not to work, you'll attract people with whom it will not work.

This means: you attracted this special woman BECAUSE she's not ready for such a relationship or does not want you for some other reason, and because with your negative thoughts you were attracting exactly such a person/situation.

Take care of what you think!!!

You have to concentrate on the positive aspects of what you want, and NEVER on the lack of what you want. To guide you, listen to your feelings: if you have a good feeling, your intention is manifesting. If you have a bad feeling, it means that you're currently manifesting something you do NOT want. In this case, look very carefully at what you're thinking of and consciously change your thoughts immediately.

When you'll start to focus only on thoughts that feel good, maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe she'll not change her mind. But then you will attract someone new. That's why Erin says, don't be obsessed by one special person. Maybe she's not the right person. Change your thoughts. Maybe you'll lose her. But you'll attract the kind of relationship you want. Maybe with her, maybe with someone else...

[songwriter]

Watch out what I'm going to say cause it maybe a silly thing. But worth to read...

Ok, she doesn't want to be "your girlfriend". She wants to sleep you occassionaly. She gets what she wants and you don't. Have you tried of saying no when she wants to have sex. Maybe she thinks that's all you want... after all you're agreeing to having sex and nothing more in spite of asking for more...
An idea would be rejecting that nights of sex. Bad or good one, I don't know.

[Dive Bomb]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Erin writes that I can't attract a specific person in my life because the other person has their own intentions. But Steve writes that the other person is basically a manifestation of my own consciousness, therefore using LoA should bring about the desired result.

These concepts are mutually exclusive. Either other people have freewill and their own personalized intentions or they're a manifestation of my consciousness and open to influence through LoA.

Which is it?

Let me try and take a crack at this.

I don't think they contradict each other and here is why. Erin I believe is referring to that person's awareness, stating that you can not alter his/her awareness strictly by your own mental will.

Steve stated that the other person is a result of your consciousness. Now I do not think that means the other person does not have an awareness of his/her own. It's just that you're conscious awareness allowed you to experience the interaction between these people and that your perception of this person is entirely controlled by yourself.