Doing something differently...

[Chado2423]

What do you do when you know you should be doing something differently in a relationship with someone, but you don't know what precisely it is that you are supposed to be doing?

[Angela]

That's a pretty vague question. What makes you think you should be doing something differently?

[Boreas]

To me it is always best to be yourself, if you are not being yourself, start.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's a pretty vague question. What makes you think you should be doing something differently?

I'd like to make up with my ex, but she's already moved on, either that or she's hiding her feelings by acting as though she's moved on.... I still feel bad about everything and think I should make it up to her somehow, but she won't speak to me. Its been a long time since I've spoken to her, but I'm still not happy about this whole thing. I wish I could just figure something out.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I'd like to make up with my ex, but she's already moved on, either that or she's hiding her feelings by acting as though she's moved on....

You have no choice but to move on yourself too, doesn't really matter whether she has really moved on or is merely acting like she has. Either way, you have no hope in hell to make things right as long as you cling to this frame of mind (looking at fixing the past).

Only if you move on, you'll be able to attract a new relationship - be it with her or with someone new.

good luck,
Jim.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

You have no choice but to move on yourself too, doesn't really matter whether she has really moved on or is merely acting like she has. Either way, you have no hope in hell to make things right as long as you cling to this frame of mind (looking at fixing the past).

Only if you move on, you'll be able to attract a new relationship - be it with her or with someone new.

good luck,
Jim.

But how can I move one without resolving the issues of my past? It seems to me to be a bit paradoxical. It just feels wrong to leave her hurting because of me without working past that hurt before I move on. And I don't want to move on, I want us to be friends again. There is a difference isnt there?

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

You have no choice but to move on yourself too, doesn't really matter whether she has really moved on or is merely acting like she has. Either way, you have no hope in hell to make things right as long as you cling to this frame of mind (looking at fixing the past).

Only if you move on, you'll be able to attract a new relationship - be it with her or with someone new.

good luck,
Jim.

But how can you adequetely make things right with a person from the past, without working at fixing what went wrong? That just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

[Angela]

Has she told you to stop contacting her? If she has, the only honorable thing to do is respect that request. Any resolution you want to achieve will have to be solely within yourself (it sounds like that's the place it's needed, anyway.) Don't be a stalker!

But if she hasn't asked to you to stop contacting her, why not write her a little note taking responsibility for what you did to hurt her, apologizing, making a commitment to her never to do that thing again, and letting her know you'd like to be her friend? Without making any demands of her, of course. You might want to thank her for what you've learned from the relationship, too. Keep the whole thing short and concise. Mail it, and trust that she'll do the right thing for herself. She doesn't owe you a response, so don't push for one or fret about it.

A note like this could be really good because you'll avoid any discomfort she might feel being put on the spot by a phone call or in-person meeting. It could be really good for you because putting your thoughts and feelings about the past in writing is a great way to get them out of your head, where they are taking up valuable real estate. (maybe you could write a long version of the same letter to yourself -- do not mail.)

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

But how can you adequetely make things right with a person from the past, without working at fixing what went wrong? That just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

What I was trying to say is that you can only make things right with her, if she will let you. That bit is entirely up to her. Angela's suggestion of writing a note to apologize might go a long way to her being open to your 'fixing things' and, perhaps, being friends. Again... only if she'll let you.

But if she really doesn't want to have anything more to do with you, the best you can do (for yourself) is let the past be the past and move on. I know it is heart wrenching to leave a relationship behind in conflict (been there myself), but sometimes you don't have a choice.

All the best,
Jim.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Angela

But if she hasn't asked to you to stop contacting her, why not write her a little note taking responsibility for what you did to hurt her, apologizing, making a commitment to her never to do that thing again, and letting her know you'd like to be her friend?

Angela's heart is in the right place - just behind her sternum, gently tucked between her lungs, thumping away happily - and undoubtedly she means well, but I frankly don't think this is a good idea.

The best thing you can do for her and for yourself is turn the corner on this and be grateful for the time you and her had together.

Allow her and yourself to move forward without looking back. The only way to truly do that is to decide upon, and stick to, a strict no-contact policy. No notes. No phone calls. No emails. No text messages. No smoke signals. No (insert other chosen modes of communication here).

Sure, you may have done or not done some things that stab you with regret, but those are all learning experiences. Going over those issues again will only serve to deepen the wound.

The best gift you can give to her is her freedom. That's the best gift you can give yourself too.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I'd like to make up with my ex, but she's already moved on, either that or she's hiding her feelings by acting as though she's moved on.... I still feel bad about everything and think I should make it up to her somehow, but she won't speak to me. Its been a long time since I've spoken to her, but I'm still not happy about this whole thing. I wish I could just figure something out.

Being on the opposite end of this, having an obsessive, sad ex, I am telling you: Leave her alone. When you've done something terrible, sometimes you screw it up beyond repair with that individual. Just don't repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

When you've done something terrible

The trouble is that what is terrible is often in the eye of the beholder. It can be very difficult to understand that whatever you did wrong is so terrible that someone would want to sever all ties to you... I can understand Chado's desire to do something to make things right or, at the very least, better understand why they cannot be made right again.

Just so you know, the most terrible thing I have ever done to a lady was send her a love letter. Admittedly, my timing was a bit off - she had just recently broken up with her boyfriend. Still, to this day I do not understand why speaking my heart on the matter was so terrible that it cost me her friendship and that of two of our mutual best friends as well. I can only guess how my letter truly impacted her.

And I regret that. I would have liked the opportunity to hear her side of the story. I would have liked to have had the opportunity to learn more from this misstep, considering that it was such an expensive life lesson.

Jim.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Being on the opposite end of this, having an obsessive, sad ex, I am telling you: Leave her alone. When you've done something terrible, sometimes you screw it up beyond repair with that individual. Just don't repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.

This sounds like to me you have a rough time forgiving people... Your way of thinking makes me question... Are there really certain things that are ireparable relationally? Aren't all conflicts reperable in a certain context by working for either a "win-win" or a sacrifice? Or is it how one looks at the situation which creates the "beyond repair" mentality? Is it really honestly beyond repair, or is it that I just don't have the answers or the right attitude of unconditional love at this time? Do I lack the proper behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes to figure out what exactly it is that I am trying to do?

(If you wronged someone you care for, wouldn't you want forgiven... perhaps this is really what your obsessive sad ex also is seeking, but doesn't know how to deal with his/her emotions.)

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

This sounds like to me you have a rough time forgiving people... Your way of thinking makes me question... Are there really certain things that are ireparable relationally? Aren't all conflicts reperable in a certain context by working for either a "win-win" or a sacrifice? Or is it how one looks at the situation which creates the "beyond repair" mentality? Is it really honestly beyond repair, or is it that I just don't have the answers or the right attitude of unconditional love at this time? Do I lack the proper behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes to figure out what exactly it is that I am trying to do?

Then I'm miscommunicating. There's a difference between forgiving people and destruction.

Sometimes things can't return to the state they were, even in the best relationship that ends up happy. Even in my wonderful relationship, we could never return to a different stage of our relationship. You can attract certain qualities and happenings, but people are individuals with their own minds.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Then I'm miscommunicating. There's a difference between forgiving people and destruction.

Sometimes things can't return to the state they were, even in the best relationship that ends up happy. Even in my wonderful relationship, we could never return to a different stage of our relationship. You can attract certain qualities and happenings, but people are individuals with their own minds.

I never said I wanted to return to the same precise state we were in, that is not what I meant... ... what I want to do is pull away from the belief system that is limiting us from connecting on some level. You have said that you could not return to a different stage in your relationship. Out of sheer curiosity why do you state this? Is this belief what is limiting you from doing so? You can't go back in time, no... but you can change how you think and feel and act, right? If we really want a change in our lives, then why do we keep thinking things can't change? Isn't this precisely what prevents it from occuring?

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I never said I wanted to return to the same precise state we were in, that is not what I meant... ... what I want to do is pull away from the belief system that is limiting us from connecting on some level. You have said that you could not return to a different stage in your relationship. Out of sheer curiosity why do you state this? Is this belief what is limiting you from doing so? You can't go back in time, no... but you can change how you think and feel and act, right? If we really want a change in our lives, then why do we keep thinking things can't change? Isn't this precisely what prevents it from occuring?

It isn't the butterfly's belief that keeps it from becoming a caterpillar.

As we develop, physically or emotionally, we do leave things behind and grow beyond them.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

It isn't the butterfly's belief that keeps it from becoming a caterpillar.

And I have the reputation on this forum for nitwitterry... lol... I'm not a butterfly that wants to be a catepillar, you see, I'm a butterfly that wants to mingle with a catepiller that is in her own cacoon...

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

And I have the reputation on this forum for nitwitterry... lol... I'm not a butterfly that wants to be a catepillar, you see, I'm a butterfly that wants to mingle with a catepiller that is in her own cacoon...

Maybe she's done with you because you consider her less developed than yourself? Why wouldn't you want a relationship with someone you felt was equal or better?

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Maybe she's done with you because you consider her less developed than yourself? Why wouldn't you want a relationship with someone you felt was equal or better?

If I ever view anyone as more or less developed than myself in that way then you're right, I've already sabatoged myself... I do not know a person's heart, so I cannot say where they are in comparison to my own journey...

Although I was referring to shielding and withdrawing as the caccoon, I see now the connection of the view of the cacoon as being a perception of less developed... although I hate to admit it, I think you hit it spot on on this one.