should women ask men out?

[TahoeGal]

Hi,

Should I (a 41-year-old female) ask a guy out? I knew this guy years ago, and then he moved away. He had asked me out just before he moved, but the date never happened.

He just moved back to this area, and I ran into him three times in one week. At first, I thought he was very interested, as he was always touching my hand every time we ran into each other. Then I saw him today, and I got the feeling maybe he's not so interested, as he didn't touch my hand today.

A friend is telling me to ask him out. I'm afraid to, because I may be doing business later with this guy. I don't want to make him uncomfortable if he wasn't interested in me.

Do guys like it when women ask them out?

Thanks in advance.

[JiriNovotny]

Yes - I think that the risk is minimal and upside huge. Go for it

[NotesMaeve]

Honey, let me tell you a story.

My Slamhot is sixteen years my senior. Now, he'll come in my office and chill in the afternoon for a bit. (I work in the engineering department.) I'm aggressive, but had backed off and let him come to me and we ended up together.

So he was visiting and bs-ing with my boys (the engineers). I walked in on the conversation about how absolutely great and hot and fun it was to have a woman openly desire him. (After our first meeting, I openly talked about how hot he was, hence the nick "Slamhot Boy.") Mind you, on the downside, they got to hear some personal stuff I will NEVER live down.

Most men melt under the heat of your charm with focused attention.

[MsQ]

If you really want to date him, I say ask him out.

I'm 42 and have asked men out. I think of it this way:

Right now I have nothing. No date.
I ask the guy out. I either have a date or no date.
Like Jiri wrote, "Upside huge"
Most men are flattered.

When it comes to the fact that you might do business with him...that's currently unknown. A male friend once told me when I went into what I think of as "female mode" thinking of all the nuances, he advised, "Go with what you know now." He also said, "Men never think of all the stuff women think about."

It also comes down to how comfortable you are with asking him out. If it's a big deal in your mind, you might be indicating this to him in some way which might make him uncomfortable.

[TahoeGal]

Jiri: Thank you.

NotesMaeve: Thanks for telling me your story. One thing that jumps out at me was your statement that you are aggressive but had backed off and let him come to you. That was exactly one of my concerns, that maybe he needs to be the one to make the first move. (As an aside, this guy is a police officer.) But I know he's not a mind-reader, and he may not realize I'm interested in him.

MsQ: Thank you. You are correct, I have nothing to lose, except maybe my pride. Life is too short to worry about that though.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by MsQ

If you really want to date him, I say ask him out..

The worst thing that could happen is that he would say no.

As a woman I have no problems asking men out if I fancied them. Normally the response I get is is "yeah why not" and it'sa massive ego boost for them.

[Chado2423]

Should women ask men out?

I don't see why not.

[carenkh]

I always thought that - why not? What have I got to lose? And I did ask a couple of guys out (years ago - not lately!). THEN I read "He's Just Not That Into You" which made SO much sense in so many ways. In that book, he also advises not asking men out... in fact, you might play a little hard to get. Oh. Really? I always thought you were just honest and real, and that was that. But reading that part of the book made me doubt that... "maybe I *should* play games!" my mind said. Kinda like how I never paid attention to my clothes AT ALL, then have learned that clothes DO make an impression, and even though I'd like to live in a world where clothes don't make a difference (OK, and in MY little world, they don't!), they do.

So - even though I'd like to live in a world where everyone can just be honest and real and leave the b.s. behind, is it necessary to play games? Haven't heard from many men on this thread! I'd like to - even though I have a feeling lots here are more "developed" than the general population. More eagles than bears.

(And I made myself blush thinking of men here being more developed... ay, yi, yi...)

[Cron]

YES.

Life is short. Ask him out.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by carenkh

? Haven't heard from many men on this thread!

Btw I'm a male. I've seen that guy that writes that "he's just not that into you" show, and I absolutely despise it. All these stupid little "red-flags", and "if then"... "not into you"-- hate them. Mostly hate them because they aren't always true. Real love runs deeper than any of this nonsense that is "common sense" and "common knowledge." Converntial wisdom isn't always accurate.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by carenkh

HEN I read "He's Just Not That Into You" which made SO much sense in so many ways.

I HATE that POS book. That book is just that. A piece of sh**. Something that you only give to a person with whom you have a vendetta. Some of the worst advice ever from a self-righteous, half-rate stand up comedian who, through this book somehow is now qualified to have his own afternoon talk show on CW. I have read the book. And the gist of it is that if the guy isn't stalking you or just annoying the bejesus out of you, then sorry, he's just not that into you. If he called late, if he doesn't call every day, if he has never called for no reason, if he is taller than you, if he has ever been to a sporting event, if he is the proud home of a y chromosome, if he has a di**, then he is just not that into you. He just wants to get "that" into you. Now, maybe I'm a little dense, but wasn't that the entire point of dating?

[Honeywith4bees]

Maybe you could let him know that you are interested in him without actually asking him out. Now he doesn't have to read your mind and you don't have to feel like you are being too aggressive. Say something like, "Wow, it's been so nice getting to see you so often lately. I'd really like it if we could see each other more." You're being honest and open and allowing him the chance to choose how he wants to recipricate. Trust your gut!

[JimOfferman]

I don't see why us men should hold the monopoly on asking people out on a date. If a women asked me out, I'd be delighted!

It would have to be a proper asking me out, though. I tend to hold a deaf ear to a woman who does nothing but badger me with hints that I should be the one asking her on a date. If she can't be bothered to show some real initiative, why on earth should I?

Jim.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

I HATE that POS book. That book is just that. A piece of sh**. Something that you only give to a person with whom you have a vendetta. Some of the worst advice ever from a self-righteous, half-rate stand up comedian who, through this book somehow is now qualified to have his own afternoon talk show on CW. I have read the book. And the gist of it is that if the guy isn't stalking you or just annoying the bejesus out of you, then sorry, he's just not that into you. If he called late, if he doesn't call every day, if he has never called for no reason, if he is taller than you, if he has ever been to a sporting event, if he is the proud home of a y chromosome, if he has a di**, then he is just not that into you. He just wants to get "that" into you. Now, maybe I'm a little dense, but wasn't that the entire point of dating?

Hmmm.... seems to be a *bit* of anger in your post. I didn't get any of that out of the book. What I got is that, if he doesn't show interest in you, he's not that into you. Let him go. Not to psychoanalyze every thing he does/says. Just - if he's into you, he'll show that; if he's not, he'll show that. I didn't see any of the male-bashing stuff you seem to have read.

I did just see my tendency to give credence to *all* of something someone says if I like *part* of what they say. Just because he made it very clear about the whole "into you" thing - AND he really wants women to feel good enough about themselves to be treated well! - doesn't mean he holds all insight into male behavior. I'll still follow my gut about asking guys out.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Hmmm.... seems to be a *bit* of anger in your post. I didn't get any of that out of the book. What I got is that, if he doesn't show interest in you, he's not that into you. Let him go. Not to psychoanalyze every thing he does/says. Just - if he's into you, he'll show that; if he's not, he'll show that. I didn't see any of the male-bashing stuff you seem to have read.

I did just see my tendency to give credence to *all* of something someone says if I like *part* of what they say. Just because he made it very clear about the whole "into you" thing - AND he really wants women to feel good enough about themselves to be treated well! - doesn't mean he holds all insight into male behavior. I'll still follow my gut about asking guys out.

Not angry. I was being funny and pointing out Greg is HUGELY a sexist. Playing games is ridiculous, IMO. Good relationships are formed based on honesty, not games.

When men and women start honestly communicating their needs/desires, they'll find they're a lot happier and in relationships they enjoy a lot more.

I like attention, and I can do that without obfuscating and making a guy chase me. It's insulting that Bernhardt thinks the most attractive thing a woman can do is play games.

[carenkh]

Well - I guess attractive for him! And isn't that what "The Rules" said - never ask the man out? Never read that book, never wanted to, thought it was total BS and hurtful in general towards relationships. But that's what I'm asking, also - while I believe in being honest and open, not playing games - is there some biological reason men would be turned off by a woman asking them out? OK, that sounds stupid as soon as I wrote it out - I guess I'm thinking subconsciously. Like the difference between boys and girls - I used to think it was ALL environmental/cultural. If you give boys dolls to play with, they'll be more nurturing! Then I found - nope - there are differences there. And while they are individual differences, *most* boys will end up hanging the doll out the window so his superhero can rescue her, and *most* girls will cuddle the doll. So - since that' s out there - not to ask a man out - is there some reason for that? Other than cultural? Just wondering.

Sorry I misinterpreted your response, NotesMaeve.

[Holistic Star]

What are you thinking of asking him?

is it "Will you go out with me?"
or is it "Would you like to go out for a drink / pictures / cinema?"

You could easily ask if he would like to do something like go to the cinema or a drink. You don't have to say it's a date. It's just two people going for a drink / watch a film and having a nice time. If it leads to anything more then that's great!


If it's any inspiration I asked out the man who is now my husband 5 and half years ago.

I actually said "Would you like to go to the theatre with me sometime?"
Unfortunately I mumbled and as we were in a pub at the time and the music was quite loud he actually heard "Would you like to sleep with me sometime?" He said yes - I think he was a bit disappointed when he got theatre tickets!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

I actually said "Would you like to go to the theatre with me sometime?"
Unfortunately I mumbled and as we were in a pub at the time and the music was quite loud he actually heard "Would you like to sleep with me sometime?" He said yes - I think he was a bit disappointed when he got theatre tickets!

LMAO!!

TahoeGal - I say, heck yeah! Ask him. Most guys I know are flattered by female attention. (Grew up with boys, raised boys, been surrounded by them my entire life).

Get tickets to something YOU want to do, regardless of who accompanies you, (but maybe not a TOTALLY girly thing), then next time you see your fella say, "Hey - I'm going to the [insert fun thing here] Saturday night. I'd love for you to come with me if you're free!" If he turns you down, call up a girlfriend and have a fun night anyhow.

[Angela]

My advice is: Don't ask a man out; let him know you'd welcome him asking you out.

I've done a lot of asking/being asked in my time, and it has become clear to me in my own life and in other women's lives that long-term relationships work much better when the dynamic begins with the man being the aggressor.*

Men say that they welcome and are flattered by women doing the asking, and it is great for getting sex! Or short-term relationships. But in the long run, I think it's better to do men the honor of allowing them to be the assertive, dynamic, initiating force in the very beginning. It's pretty easy to let a man know you would welcome being asked out, and the practice of making yourself welcoming and available makes you feel sexy and alluring to all men, not just to this one guy.

Some people will go all batshit on me and say this is a sexist attitude, I'm sure. I'm just saying, in my experience, being the aggressor vs. allowing yourself to be pursued are two valuable ways of being, depending on what you want.

*The exception to this would be if the woman has a personality that is aggressive, initiating, prefers to control and be the dominant force in a relationship AND the man has a personality that is regressive, less ambitious, and prefers to follow.

[Cron]

Hi Angela;

Sometimes those signals are completely missed ( or misinterpreted, but that is another thread ).

Just out of curiosity, what do you do to let a man know that you are interested in him making the first move and asking you out?

What do you take as signs that he is genuinely not interested as opposed to being clueless about your implied invitations?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Cron

Hi Angela;

Sometimes those signals are completely missed ( or misinterpreted, but that is another thread ).

You're so right! Although there may be an air of mystery around romantic attraction, if I want a man to ask me out, I do my best to demonstrate it in such a way that he doesn't feel confused. Sometimes a woman is not sure if she wants to go out with a guy or not (or she wants to, but she's not clear within herself as to what she wants - sex, friendship or relationship) and the signals may be mixed. I don't have any need for that anymore, and have left it behind.

Just out of curiosity, what do you do to let a man know that you are interested in him making the first move and asking you out?

. It depends. I might square my body towards him so that our whole bodies are facing one another, and think to myself, "this guy is the most attractive guy I've met in a long time. I would like for him to ask me out." There is no place for my attraction to go but straight to his eyes and heart*; there really is no missing it when I do this. It is completely unambiguous and it is so much fun to watch a man respond to it. It's up to him what he wants to do with it, but so far no man has failed to respond extremely favorably. (Except one gay guy, and he told me later he was stealing my technique.)

If I feel like the man is not completely present -- he's distracted or shy or whatever -- there have been times when I've just said, straight out: "I would love to spend some time getting to know you. Call me if you'd like to ask me out" and I hand him my card. Then I forget about him completely, until he calls -- I never waste any time waiting for a phone call.

The first, silent, technique is way more fun for me because it is so effective and makes me feel so sensuous and powerful. Also because if a man is not being completely present, the attraction itself is not as powerful.

What do you take as signs that he is genuinely not interested as opposed to being clueless about your implied invitations?

He either asks me out or he doesn't. But I don't believe I ever leave a man wondering whether or not I found him attractive, unless he's totally clueless, in which case I'm not interested in him anyway!

I haven't practiced for a couple of years because Danger Man swooped in one night and claimed me for his own. But I can feel the power of attraction still surging within me, and I reckon it will be around till the day I die.

*well, maybe ONE other place

[Honeywith4bees]

Angela~ All of the posts from you that I have read have been so well thought out and eloquently presented. I wonder, is this all life learning that you have done to have such a well developed sense of self? Do you learn this from books? Mentors? (I ask because I am striving to become a woman of just such self mastery.) Sorry if this is going off thread . . .

[Chado2423]