should i fix my frienship?

[BartSinghson]

Hello all,

This is my first post and it has taken a lot of courage for me to come out and discuss this - I have been reading steve's blog for few months now and it has prompted me to get a second opinion on things I have been doing in life, specially social and interaction with friends.

My immediate dilemma is to figure out if I should mend a relationship with a friend.

First a brief history - I have been friends with this guy for about 10 years. He migrated to another country before me - and then i migrated there as well. He helped me when I reached there and after that we (Him, his wife and me) shared a house about 5 years together.

During those 5 years, I was always treated as a person who doesn't have common sense. They used to take all the decisions along the way and I just used to ignore them - minding my own business. At the end of the day - my part was to share the monetary value of monthly expenses. My opinion was never accepted or appreciated. I helped out in the house as much as I could with cleaning etc. In this new country I was on a student vista and had "friends" to share the house with but I didn't develop anything of my own. All my friends that I have are mutual friends and I was introduced to them by this friend of mine. My friend has is very arrogant but kind at heart. He will help you when you need him - but he will make sure that he "rubs it" in front of other people. One statement that I have heard since last 7 years is how he has helped me settle down and all the friends he has introduced was because of him etc etc.

Now fast forward 2 years - and we don't live together anymore. I am married and have been living on my own for more than 2 years now. Since last two years, our friendship has been going down hill. We used to meet and have casual get-together often. Earlier this year - I didn't go to his party because I was not comfortable with few people he had invited. He knew it would make me uncomfortable - but he still did it because he wanted to keep his friendship with them. We have not talked since that party (about 6 months) even once and one of our mutual friends did tell me that he felt very bad about me not attending it.

A couple of day ago - I found out that his wife was sick. I called him to check how they were - and they spoke to me nicely - but he did give me an impression that he was angry with me and was not interested in talking. We had a small talk about health and that's it.

I am confused if I should be friends with him. The only reason I can think of is because we have a lot of common friends and we will definitely meet at other places - I don't want to in a situation that I stop going to all the friends I know because of him being there. I am also sure that he will go out of his way to make me feel uncomfortable - as he knows that I am very sensitive about it.

I am confused - because mending friendship will him would mean me apologizing him about not going for his party and his arrogant remarks following that.

Help me decide.

[SweetMelissa]

I would be cordial to the guy when you see him, but don't go out of your way to check up on him and whatnot. If he is arrogant and standoff-ish then you shouldn't force a friendship with him. If he begins to treat you better, then I would start to put more effort into the friendship, until then.. just let it flow.

[Brutha]

The kind of relationship you would have with him when you would go to him and apologise isn't really a friendship.
A friendship is a relationship between two equals.

At first he might not like the fact that you are independent from him and don't need him anymore.
As time goes by you might either develop a normal friendship or cut contact.

[BartSinghson]

But isn't it all about being humble to friends?

[emeraldbaby]

Hi Bart,

It seems that you're pushing yourself into a corner by narrowing your options to mending (apologising) or breaking the friendship.

I don't think you need to do either as yet, because friendship goes through good and bad patches. I second what the others have already said. Just go with the flow, be cordial, and be without fear.

I actually see this as a great opportunity for growth: practice responsibility for your own action while letting your friend be responsible for his action. Continue socialising with mutual friends, and when you see him, use that opportunity to practice being genuinely calm, friendly etc, unaffected by his arrogance. (Trust me, it really does feel great when you can face up to nasty people and still be unaffected).

If he responds, that's great. If he doesn't, that's fine too, you don't have to hang around. At least you're consistent, and that leaves the door open for him to come back if he changes his attitude.