Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

jsot · 09-12-2007, 05:06 AM

If you like your friend, and you've given up on her, do you think I should "confess my feelings" for honesty's sake and because we're friends? I'd like to think I can tell her stuff like that but I also don't want to make her uncomfortable. What do you guys think?
Thanks.

Shamou · 09-12-2007, 05:29 AM

jsot! You can have your cake and eat it too... it's called diplomacy...

There are ways that anything can be said without hurting people and yet be honest with them...

It's all on the intention and on the delivery... before you start saying or explaining whatever it is that you want to say... just make certain that your intentions are clear in your head... and the words necessary to convey that message should come out naturally...

The very best of luck to you...
.

openeyes · 09-12-2007, 02:31 PM

From my own experience, in high school/junior high people often didn't deal so well with knowing a friend liked them, but in college it was simply flattering and no big deal. Things that made a girl in junior high stop speaking to me for a year would make a college freshman throw her arms around me. You can't really know for sure until you've tried it though. Had I given up I wouldn't have seen how differently people responded once I made it to university.

Life Warrior · 09-12-2007, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shamou

It's all on the intention and on the delivery... before you start saying or explaining whatever it is that you want to say... just make certain that your intentions are clear in your head... and the words necessary to convey that message should come out naturally...
.

Shamou, thank you for your idea of focusing on intentions rather than all the complimentary stuff that goes on in an interaction or in our life. I often find myself trying to think through exactly what I would say, forgetting the focus on my intention in the process. I guess our intentions are the real essence of who we are, rather than the image we sometimes falsely grapple to express, when this image itself turns out to be just a delineation from our real core - our intentions and our spirit within.

But getting back on topic, jsot, try telling your friend how you feel. What have you got to loose with honesty? In the end, you will be staying honest to yourself by expressing your true feelings.

artman · 09-12-2007, 08:35 PM

only thing about telling your feelings is that she may not feel the same way. i have been there and you gotta accept it if that happens. it is better to judge by how she reacts towards you, if she is flirtiy, or if she is giving you signs that she likes you.

Truefire · 09-13-2007, 12:07 AM

What do you hope to gain from telling her that you used to like her? How will it help you or her? If you have really given up on her, then why bother? Unless you really haven't given up on her...

Why did you give up on her?

If the topic comes up when you and her are talking, then fine, let it come out like normal conversation. Other than that, old feelings shouldn't bug you. Not to mention, if you start a conversation with her with the idea of "confessing your past love", she will think you are doing it to affect her feelings somehow. Which you probably are.

jsot · 09-13-2007, 04:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truefire

What do you hope to gain from telling her that you used to like her? How will it help you or her? If you have really given up on her, then why bother? Unless you really haven't given up on her...

Why did you give up on her?

I gave up on her because it seems that at this point it's impossible for her to see me as anything more than a friend. And in the past it has come up in conversation that she would never go out with a friend. So I decided I was wasting my time with her. Maybe I haven't totally given up on her yet, but I'm trying.

konmai · 09-13-2007, 04:24 AM

ask her out on a date. some girls are not very revealing of their feelings. like me, i've been telling the person i like that i refuse to date.

which is partly true, b/c i want to focus on my studies and don't want anything serious. doesn't mean i don't like the person romantically.

ZHereford · 09-13-2007, 05:00 AM

You have nothing to gain by telling her how you feel at this point, in fact you may lose something by doing it. You might make her uncomfortable if she doesn't feel the same way about you and she might back off.

What you could do is give her little hints instead. Slowly start changing your relationship with her by doing considerate or somewhat romantic things for her. She won't be able to help but notice. For example (you don't really have to do this particular thing) buy her a little rose and give it to her for no reason. Next time treat her to something fun or nice. Go out of your way to look good and smell nice when you're around her. Bit by bit you could change her perception of you. Try it!

jamestl2 · 09-13-2007, 05:01 AM

If you're willing to risk the friendship, and can't handle to keep the romantic feelings you have bottled up, then definitely go for it.

But do your best to be prepared for rejection.

Then again what do I know about these sort of situations

Good Luck

jsot · 09-13-2007, 05:07 AM

I'm not sure I made myself clear.
I am not trying to attract her anymore, if I was I wouldn't think about telling her how I felt about her. At this point I wouldn't be scared of rejection as long as it didn't mean we couldn't be friends anymore.

ZHereford · 09-13-2007, 05:10 AM

Why do you want to tell her then? I can't see what it would accomplish other than make her uncomfortable.

jsot · 09-13-2007, 05:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Why do you want to tell her then? I can't see what it would accomplish other than make her uncomfortable.

...Closure I guess. Make it so that I won't keep on thinking, "what if?". But I guess there's better ways of doing that than dragging her into it.

ZHereford · 09-13-2007, 05:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jsot

... But I guess there's better ways of doing that than dragging her into it.

Yes, and that would be to make the decision to enjoy and make the most her company at face value and let the chips fall where they may! Who knows what could happen?

jsot · 09-13-2007, 05:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Yes, and that would be to make the decision to enjoy and make the most her company at face value and let the chips fall where they may! Who knows what could happen?

Are you saying that I should just not do anything about it either way?

ZHereford · 09-13-2007, 05:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jsot

Are you saying that I should just not do anything about it either way?

Sorry jsot, I didn't mean to put words in your mouth. Ultimately it's your decision and you'll be the one who has to live with it. As a woman myself, I was trying to give you my take on it. As I mentioned to you in an earlier post, my husband and I started out as friends too. I knew him for several years before I even looked at him in any way other than as a friend.

jsot · 09-13-2007, 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Sorry jsot, I didn't mean to put words in your mouth. Ultimately it's your decision and you'll be the one who has to live with it. As a woman myself, I was trying to give you my take on it. As I mentioned to you in an earlier post, my husband and I started out as friends too. I knew him for several years before I even looked at him in any way other than as a friend.

I was just a little confused about your last advice, I don't think you were putting words in my mouth.
Thanks for your input, I don't remember if you posted any of my other threads about this girl but this has been bothering me for months.

ZHereford · 09-13-2007, 05:45 AM

Yes it was right here:

A little advice would be appreciated.

jsot · 09-13-2007, 05:50 AM

Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry, I can never keep track of who says what on message boards.

09-12-2007, 05:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
jsot Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Houston Posts: 113	Should I tell her? If you like your friend, and you've given up on her, do you think I should "confess my feelings" for honesty's sake and because we're friends? I'd like to think I can tell her stuff like that but I also don't want to make her uncomfortable. What do you guys think? Thanks.

09-13-2007, 12:07 AM	#6 (permalink)
Truefire Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 112	What do you hope to gain from telling her that you used to like her? How will it help you or her? If you have really given up on her, then why bother? Unless you really haven't given up on her... Why did you give up on her? If the topic comes up when you and her are talking, then fine, let it come out like normal conversation. Other than that, old feelings shouldn't bug you. Not to mention, if you start a conversation with her with the idea of "confessing your past love", she will think you are doing it to affect her feelings somehow. Which you probably are. __________________ *Life is your masterpiece*

09-13-2007, 05:00 AM	#9 (permalink)
ZHereford Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 913	You have nothing to gain by telling her how you feel at this point, in fact you may lose something by doing it. You might make her uncomfortable if she doesn't feel the same way about you and she might back off. What you could do is give her little hints instead. Slowly start changing your relationship with her by doing considerate or somewhat romantic things for her. She won't be able to help but notice. For example (you don't really have to do this particular thing) buy her a little rose and give it to her for no reason. Next time treat her to something fun or nice. Go out of your way to look good and smell nice when you're around her. Bit by bit you could change her perception of you. Try it! __________________ www.essentiallifeskills.net

09-13-2007, 05:01 AM	#10 (permalink)
jamestl2 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it? Posts: 688	If you're willing to risk the friendship, and can't handle to keep the romantic feelings you have bottled up, then definitely go for it. But do your best to be prepared for rejection. Then again what do I know about these sort of situations Good Luck __________________ Lightning Shock - My Website Wordpress Mountain - Wordpress Resources and Community

09-13-2007, 05:10 AM	#12 (permalink)
ZHereford Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 913	Why do you want to tell her then? I can't see what it would accomplish other than make her uncomfortable. __________________ www.essentiallifeskills.net

09-12-2007, 05:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
Shamou Banned Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Quebec, Canada Posts: 3,811	jsot! You can have your cake and eat it too... it's called diplomacy... There are ways that anything can be said without hurting people and yet be honest with them... It's all on the intention and on the delivery... before you start saying or explaining whatever it is that you want to say... just make certain that your intentions are clear in your head... and the words necessary to convey that message should come out naturally... The very best of luck to you... .

09-12-2007, 02:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
openeyes Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Chapel Hill, NC Posts: 1,209	From my own experience, in high school/junior high people often didn't deal so well with knowing a friend liked them, but in college it was simply flattering and no big deal. Things that made a girl in junior high stop speaking to me for a year would make a college freshman throw her arms around me. You can't really know for sure until you've tried it though. Had I given up I wouldn't have seen how differently people responded once I made it to university.

09-12-2007, 08:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
artman Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 23	only thing about telling your feelings is that she may not feel the same way. i have been there and you gotta accept it if that happens. it is better to judge by how she reacts towards you, if she is flirtiy, or if she is giving you signs that she likes you.

09-13-2007, 04:24 AM	#8 (permalink)
konmai Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 62	ask her out on a date. some girls are not very revealing of their feelings. like me, i've been telling the person i like that i refuse to date. which is partly true, b/c i want to focus on my studies and don't want anything serious. doesn't mean i don't like the person romantically.

09-13-2007, 05:07 AM	#11 (permalink)
jsot Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Houston Posts: 113	I'm not sure I made myself clear. I am not trying to attract her anymore, if I was I wouldn't think about telling her how I felt about her. At this point I wouldn't be scared of rejection as long as it didn't mean we couldn't be friends anymore.

09-13-2007, 05:45 AM	#18 (permalink)
ZHereford Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 913	Yes it was right here: A little advice would be appreciated. __________________ www.essentiallifeskills.net

09-13-2007, 05:50 AM	#19 (permalink)
jsot Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Houston Posts: 113	Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry, I can never keep track of who says what on message boards.

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Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums