I'm Pissed Off/Sad/Confused - My GF Is Always Busy

[Restrikted]

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 months and I ended up going to the same college together (Penn State), and I thought it would be awesome, but it's not. By the way, we were both already going to PSU before we started going out. Anyway, I knew she would be busy a lot, since she is in the architecture program, which is very difficult. However I wasn't prepared for this. The only time we have ever had a chance to really be alone together was last Friday night. The 1st week, she was busy all weekend, the 2nd week we both went home and couldn't see each other.

So far, we have been alone together once in a 2 1/2 week period, and we live like 30 seconds away! Plus we won't be seeing each other this weekend because she is going home again since it's her birthday on Monday.

The only time we have together is when I walk her back from class twice a week (20 min), when we eat a meal together (probably twice a week), and when my roommate (high school friend) and I go to her dorm to study every so often. That's it.

What pisses me off is that one time she came over for about 30 minutes, just me and her, and she had to draw for one of her classes while I was stuck watching TV. And she tries to tell me to appreciate those times that we have together, like when we sometimes eat together, sometimes walk to class, and the time when she was drawing! She's trying to pass these off as quality time together when its not!

What's even worse is that we set times when we can be alone together everyday. We are supposed to have some alone time every day except Thursday, because my roommate has like no classes, so we can't be alone then. So we set times, but what's worse is that she always breaks them, like today we used that time to try to get tickets to a show in a couple weeks, which we couldn't get. All the other alone times we are supposed to have? Something always comes up with her, so we don't have any alone time.

I would love to tell her that I need more out of this relationship, but I know that her response will be something like "You need to appreciate that I am always busy, and when we have time together, you can't be sad because you never see me." Maybe she'll even tell me that we can't be together right now because she's busy.

I am so sick of this!!!

She also tells me that what she likes about me is that I can be her friend as well as her boyfriend. But the only side of her that I see when we have those few precious seconds with her is her friend side! We rarely kiss because she doesn't like to kiss in public, or because my roommate is around.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but should a boyfriend really have to worry about when he will be able to make out with his girlfriend, who lives 30 seconds away?

What should I do about this situation? Sorry if it was long and rambly, I'm venting. I don't know what to do about this. The obvious answer would be to confront her, but she'll just get all pissed off at me.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Restrikted

What pisses me off is that one time she came over for about 30 minutes, just me and her, and she had to draw for one of her classes while I was stuck watching TV.

Why not join her and help her with something? Show interest in what she's busy with?

Originally Posted by Restrikted

And she tries to tell me to appreciate those times that we have together, like when we sometimes eat together, sometimes walk to class, and the time when she was drawing! She's trying to pass these off as quality time together when its not!

Why not? Sounds like quality time to me. Try to look at it from a bright point of view.

I think you two already knew that university was going to be something challenging(to your relationship too).

Best of luck.

[Angela]

Sounds to me like you two haven't been together long enough for you to be making demands on her time, especially since your studies should probably be your main priority now. Architecture? She's working her ass off, man, and you should be grateful for the tiny little bits of attention she manages to eke out for you.

Just feeling the demanding way you're being is probably making her withdraw. You can completely transform the dynamic here by telling her how glad you are for your time together, and that from now on you're going to leave it to her to make time for the relationship. And, because you know it's best for both of you (and for your libido!), that it would be a good time to let go of the monogamy bond, so you can both relax about that pressure.

It's like a game of tug-of-war. If you suddenly let go of your end of the rope (with love and communication, of course), you interrupt the way things are going and leave room for a new interaction to begin.

Good luck!

[Restrikted]

But it feels like she doesn't even care about spending alone time with me. She never says, "I can't wait to see you on Friday night," she just treats me like her friend.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Restrikted

she just treats me like her friend.

Maybe that is just how she sees you right now? Or maybe that is all she has room for in her life at this point in time?

I agree with Angela. Give her some time and space to come into her own. You have both just started out at the university - that's a major change in both your lives! Take it easy... if this relation is meant to be, it will be

Jim.

[Angela]

Restrikted, there's a certain sense of ... what? ... panic? about your posts around this issue.

Is it possible that there's something missing for you that you're trying to fulfill with this woman? Like maybe, are you feeling like you need security? Or tenderness? Or something else? If it were just sex, I don't think you would be so overwrought about it.

It doesn't work to use a person to fill a hole your life. People will resist being used by you, and you'll end up unsatisfied and resentful anyway. You might want to look at what it is that would make a difference if you were creating in your life independent of anyone else's actions.

[caesar8181]

Now is the time she really needs to focus on her future, Honestly when I was studying I had next to no time for relationships as I wanted to do better than the person next to me.

Value the small amount of time you have together, don’t bring up the ‘I never see you’ speech it will often lead to arguments. Go study be a study buddy (not as fun as making out I know).

Like someone said above me sounds like she doesn’t have time for a serious relationship at the moment.

[Brien]

It sounds to me that she's making as much time as she wants to. If you don't like it, maybe you should use some of the extra time she's given you to find other things to do (like find a woman who does have time for you). Do not make demands; she will not respond to that by meeting them (nor should she, you two aren't married afterall).

As Angela put it, Let go of the rope.

[Brutha]

It doesn't work to use a person to fill a hole your life. People will resist being used by you, and you'll end up unsatisfied and resentful anyway. You might want to look at what it is that would make a difference if you were creating in your life independent of anyone else's actions.

Love can be quite addictive

You have two options:
1) Accept the present situation.
2) Leave her and find a girlfriend who will share more time with you.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Angela

You might want to look at what it is that would make a difference if you were creating in your life independent of anyone else's actions.

Yep. It may sound a little harsh but this is definitely true advice.

[openeyes]

I generally pride myself on not being particularly needy, but if a girl I was seeing seemed to be making no attempts at spending time with me, I'd likely stop contacting her and either she'd contact me to get together the next couple times, or the relationship would simply dissolve and we'd both move on.

Spending energy on someone who doesn't reciprocate is a great way to destroy confidence/self-esteem.

She may be quite busy, but I'm sure she has to eat/sleep some time, and if she really wanted to see you she could do either of the two with you. That she isn't just says that you aren't her priority right now, and you're likely better off focusing your energy on someone who will appreciate your attention.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Yep. It may sound a little harsh but this is definitely true advice.

You think that is harsh advice? I find it a very empowering way to go. Maybe it sounds harsh because when you're crazy about someone, being on your own without her seems like torture and punishment? But the funny thing is, when you take care of your own needs, you sweep people into your orbit without even trying.

In any case, I'm sorry if my advice occurred as harsh; I meant it lovingly.