[Adult] A Question About Sex

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Okay, I am sorta embarrased even bringing this up, but I thought since you all know so much about everything maybe you could help. Anyone who's not interested in knowing about my sex life, move along .

My boyfriend just started a new job which is very physically demanding. He does landscaping. When he gets out of work he is of course exhausted. So, we've been having hardly any sex at all. This is not the problem really because I understand he's very tired. I haven't pressured or anything. He is still very affectionate. The issue is that the two times we attempted recently he finished really quickly. He said "this never happens to me" which I would have laughed at since that's what they always say in the movies, but I know he feels a little weird about it. And truthfully, we've been together for almost two years and it has never been an issue.

So, I am wondering if there is something up given that it's not common. And how can I be supportive? Or help? This is my first sexual relationship, so I have no idea whether I should just ignore this or if there is more to it. Thanks to anyone who has made it through and is willing to help out .

[Matthew Shea]

Physical changes can indeed do that until your body gets used to them. I've experienced it before after days of long, hard work. I'd expect that, as your man gets used to the work, it'll get better. It should also be better on his days off when he's had a chance to recover a bit. As a guy, it can be difficult to perform properly when you're very fatigued.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for the response, Matthew. I can always count on you!

I kind of figured as much, but he has also had pretty demanding jobs in the past and this has never happened before, so I had a little cause for concern (or so I thought). I didn't want to go down the road of it having something to do with me, but I almost couldn't help it. This being the first and only guy I've been with, I really had no precedent to look to. I'll give it some time.

Thanks.

[Shamou]

That's what Viagra is for... contrary to popular beliefs... Viagra is not designed to get it up... but to keep it up...

Best of luck to you...

.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Shamou. I don't think I will encourage the use of 'uppers' unless this is an ongoing issue. At 23, I think it would probably hurt his feelings if I even suggested it and then I might get none at all...and we can't have that! Thanks though.

[Angela]

If he's exhausted after a long day's work, he's probably not really interested in a long drawn-out session anyway, right? He's probably just looking forward to resting, I would imagine. Delightful as your ministrations are, I'm sure, maybe sleep is just as desirable at this point. Maybe you can treat him by being the brawn in the sexual relationship for awhile -- you think he'd appreciate that? Landscaping - yikes! hard work.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

The problem is that he's never been into me initiating. He seems to prefer to play that role. But after these two sessions, I think he's kind of panicking and anything perceived as pressure would just shut him down completely.

He definitely wants to just rest and sleep. That's cool. And I am not looking for marathons. As long as the affection and cuddle time are intact, I feel pretty sure that it's just the exhaustion (as in, not lost attraction to me in general). HE just seems really freaked out about it.

Would it be okay, do you think, to suggest to him that I just do some things for him? That he just relax and enjoy? This probably sounds completely ridiculous, but him being the experienced one, he's always just played the lead and I've been fine going along because I was enjoying it. He has always made sure I'm taken care of and I think that's why he's down now...because he feels like I'm not 'fulfilled'.

Sorry to get all TMI, just don't really know how these things work.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Would it be okay, do you think, to suggest to him that I just do some things for him? That he just relax and enjoy?

Of course it would be okay! He would probably love that -- Danger Man does, after he's been working a long day. I tell him he's not allowed to exert himself during this session, so that he can let go of that feeling of "duty".

Do you have longish hair? Try the hair sweeping on the back thing.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Yeah, my hair has gotten pretty long. I will give that a go.

Also, he like massages due to the sore muscles. So I could go that route with no expectation of anything else. Probably good.

Well, thanks guys and lady. I am sure it's all normal and no big deal, but like I said, no experience = concern. And I know he's concerned so I didn't want to inadvertantly make it worse.

I still welcome any other advice too. Thanks.

[Brien]

I agree with Matthew. If this is something new, it is probably simply a matter of time before his body gets used to the new lifestyle and his energy and stamina are back to normal.

This reminds me of a scenario described in one of my favorite books on the subject of sex, Guide To Getting It On. In one chapter, it illustrates to female readers how physically demanding the male role in sex (well, in some of the more common positions) is by comparing it to holding a pushup position for 15 minutes (I may be forgetting the details, but it was something like that). In an experiment, a group of women pantomimed what a male does during missionary. Very few of the women could keep "proper form" for more than a couple minutes, and many left with a new appreciation for their lovers' efforts.

I don't think you go through any silly experiments like that; you already seem to be very understanding of your boyfriend's situation. He's lucky to have you. And the good news is, there are plenty of sexual positions that minimize the effort required by the man. Just don't let him get too comfortable these accommodations.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Brien. I know it must be very demanding especially on top of the hard work he does all day. I was honestly mostly worried that maybe it was me. Or that he would get discouraged and give up altogether for a while. So, I am feeling a little better now and will try some of the suggestions here. I guess I haven't really understood what it's like for guys. I am always up for a go, even if I'm tired. So I am learning...

[Old Soul]

I tend to see relationships like a roller coaster, these things will hapen from time to time

honestly I would not stress at all over it........and i sense from your post you are a very supportive partner which will make times like these much less troublesome..... btw- i did landscaping for one year........unbelievably physcial work!!!!!! I totally relate to your sweety's experience:-)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Old Soul.

When he tells me about his day, I wonder how he's still standing sometimes, so it makes sense, really. Still gets my mind wandering to scary places though. But that is an issue for me to fix in myself.

[NotesMaeve]

Some positions that minimize effort:

Woman on top. Simple, but not great.

Also, and I love this position: If you both lie on your sides, chests apart. Hold one leg in the air and he can sort of lie down and be with/in you and have his hands on you. Very romantic and relaxing.

Greek style, face to face, is okay.

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I am always up for a go, even if I'm tired. So I am learning...

Yeah, but you don't have to maintain an erection. That takes work by itself. Not so much physical, but mental, and if you're fatigued, maintaining the necessary level of excitement is much more difficult.

Crazy as it seems, and hopefully someone will back me up on this, if you're well rested and truly enthusastic and excited about your partner, it's easier to go longer than if you're fatigued. Fatigue can equate to a much quicker finish sometimes or an inability to finish at other times because your body just wants to get release and be over and done with the additional exertion. You might think fatigue = lesser excitement which = longer performance, but that's not always true. There's a optimum level of excitement and more or less is not necessarily good.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

One of the times, I was on top, so he wasn't doing much physical exertion, but Matthew's point still holds. I guess I just really didn't realize how much work it is for guys. I know I am naive, but they didn't teach this in abstinance-only sex ed!

I'm like, 5 times in a row. And he's like, babe, it doesn't work like that.

Also, his theory is that since we've not been having much sex due to the exhaustion, his body's just like woo hoo (don't you love my scientific terminology? still feel weird talking about sex...).

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Some positions that minimize effort:

Woman on top. Simple, but not great.

Also, and I love this position: If you both lie on your sides, chests apart. Hold one leg in the air and he can sort of lie down and be with/in you and have his hands on you. Very romantic and relaxing.

Greek style, face to face, is okay.

On the practical side of things, out of those three, woman on top is probably the least stimulating for the man and so might be a good choice to get over this little bump in the road. The second choice is also a great position. Gonna have to try the third.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Also, and I love this position: If you both lie on your sides, chests apart. Hold one leg in the air and he can sort of lie down and be with/in you and have his hands on you. Very romantic and relaxing.

Meaning you are facing away from each other? I think it's the chests apart part that is confusing me?!

[Matthew Shea]

If I read her description right, she's talking about a face-to-face position. You'll be sort of at a 45 degree-ish angle to each other, lying on your sides, which means your chests will be apart, but facing each other. You put your leg sort of up and over him. Think kind of a sideways missionary position.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Aha. Makes much more sense now. Will give it a shot.

[Angela]

..... and you can always assure him, "don't worry baby, we're making love all the time!" You don't have to be having sex to be making love.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Good point.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Meaning you are facing away from each other? I think it's the chests apart part that is confusing me?!

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

If I read her description right, she's talking about a face-to-face position. You'll be sort of at a 45 degree-ish angle to each other, lying on your sides, which means your chests will be apart, but facing each other. You put your leg sort of up and over him. Think kind of a sideways missionary position.

What he said.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Aha. Makes much more sense now. Will give it a shot.

It's just a great position. I have early onset arthritis and Slamhot's got MS, so sometimes it's just not practical for one of us to hold up our weight, and it allows for some freedom of the arms and hands.

Also: Ang is right. Sex is not the most important thing.

[Michael Chui]

My first reaction, and the one I couldn't find anyone else saying, is... is he really working 7 days a week? What about the days he doesn't work?

[Christian223]

Ok i just readed the first post, just tell him to do PC muscles excersizes, they are very easy to do, and he will never again "finish" fast. If you dont know what pc muslces are, they are some muscles at the base of the penis that allow us men to never loose an erection and last as long as we wish.
Good luck.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Maeve, I am in complete agreement with sex not being the most important thing. I do think it's a very important part to the extent that it's one of the ways people show their care for each other as well as a basic human desire. But I am sure I am making a point everyone else already shares (maybe?).

Michael Chui, he works six days about 10 hours per day outdoors (this is Texas so extremely hot and humid). I am not sure what it is you are suggesting, but I would like to hear more of your opinion.

Thanks, Christian, will keep that in mind.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Michael Chui, he works six days about 10 hours per day outdoors (this is Texas so extremely hot and humid). I am not sure what it is you are suggesting, but I would like to hear more of your opinion.

Ouch.

I was vaguely hoping that it was a weekday-only job and that he would be more rested on the weekends. I suppose not.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Not so much. However, we are planning a trip to the coast this weekend for some relaxation and fun (leaving when he gets off work on Saturday and spending the night and next day). We'll see what happens.

I think he's nervous to try anything because of what's happened. This morning he came up behind me, put his arms around me and kissed me on the back of the neck, but then he quickly moved away.

[Life Warrior]

If a man hasn't had a release in a while, it is actually very easy to get too stimulated and have a quick orgasm. Physical activity beforehand would increase the sexual drive in most cases. Try to have him take care of your needs first, and then if you have time for a second session, he will last much longer then.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

That's some advice I can get behind.