Too bad to stay, not cruel enough to leave
 

Hello everyone!

I've been reading Steve's articles a few years back and now discovered that he's now even better than before :) I do hope (and after reading a few posts it seems to be) this is a friendly place to discuss such situation.

It's very similar to what Adam11 described here (http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/s...otivation.html) but there are also a few important differences.
I'm in a relationship that lasts for 2 years. It's one of these sacrifice-yourself-to-someone-so-you-make-that-person-happy relationships. My girlfriend has been through a difficult marriage and I was hoping I can help her believe there are good people out there that can love and care. Of course I was loving her and stuff but something very bad happened half a year ago -- we had an atomic explosion kind of fight, we broke, said terrible things to each other and after 15 minutes got back together. But something is bad since then. Like the fire that should be the core of each relationship is gone.

Now, the situation is impossibly difficult for me: she says she loves me, she's mine forever, that I'm good (we do fight, but generally she's happy), her kids are calling me dad, we live together and she moved here from far away, she doesn't have a flat or income high enough to even rent one. I'm thinking about all this stuff since that atomic bomb fight but I'm simply unable to be so cruel to say to her 'It was nice, but you're out. Take your kids, pack and leave'.

So it's a deadlock situation -- this relationship isn't good for me. We managed to set things good enough that none of us (ok, it's usually me who wants more and more) suffers too much but what life is that? In Steve's test at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-relationship/ I marked 8 tests with a big FAILURE mark and the remaining 3 as problematic (replace religious question 1 with 'If I could leave and don't cause terrible pain'). That gives us 11 out of 11 negative answers. I know, it's bad.

Now, to the real question: I have a number of ideas about how to improve situation that I'm still trying but inside me I'm preparing for a breakup. Problem is I just won't do it unless I find a way to do it in a way that won't hurt everyone SO much (forcing her to live in poverty or going back to her home city, kids changing schools, father-figure image shattered again, broken lives...). Any ideas?

I don't know what way I'll go but I feel that having an open path in both directions would make my mind clearer and I'll make a better decision.

What does that mean, "an open path in both directions"?

Right now the only way I can see is to stay. I feel I won't be able to cruely break this relationship just like that. It's too serious and would cause too much harm to people I promised I'd help. But I know that feeling forced into something isn't good. Usually I'd say to anyone and myself: "you're free man, the freedom is in yourself and nothing and no one has control over you." That's fine solution but not this time. I do know I'm free to go. No one will stop me from going. Except my own compassion. That's even more stressful than typical situations where some other person or event is trying to force you to do something. Both options are bad: if I stay I'll be unhappy, if I go I'll betray, destroy something that makes large part of what I am -- a person that always did everything he could to bring good to others. I don't want to leave this relationship knowing I behaved like a totally cruel, cold, heartless bastard thinking only about himself.

Either way, this situation is very stressful for me and I believe that I would be able to think more clearly if I could find a way to end this relationship and not hurt (ideally) or not hurt that bad other people.

These are the two paths: stay or leave. Currently one of them is closed for me and I'm looking for a way to open it. I fear it but I know I have to find a way because I don't know how long I'll be able to sustain current situation. If I was sure I wanted to leave it would be much easier but I'm still looking for a way to find true love inside this relationship. However, looking for it is much harder when I feel forced to do it.

You sure there are only two paths? You might get some insight, or get counseling, or find out she wants out too, or you might even be able to save the relationship.

Why don't you guys talk to a third party and see if you can communicate yourselves to a resolution that works out for the best for everyone?

Hi mage,

It seems to me that you're focusing on the bad things at the moment. In a smart book I read this advice : don't leave a relationship because of its negative aspects. you would attract the same negative aspects in your next relationship... Don't focus on this negative side. Write down what you find wonderful about her and what you like in the relationship. concentrate only on these positive aspects. Every morning write down more positive things about this (or about everything in your life). The relationship will improve (yes it will, I tested this method, it worked wonders with my bf). THEN, you can decide to stay or to go. Maybe you'll still want to go. But you will be able to take a free decision and won't attract more pain later :)

Best wishes to you! We're with you :)

Without external help (see below) -- how do I do that? I can't just ask this kind of question. Was deciding to break up together the third way you thought of?

I tried to convince her to do so but she doesn't want. She says she won't talk to strangers about our problems. I tried telling her these are professionals, that it's normal to have problems, even serious ones... :(

That's basically root of all problems -- we can't constructively talk about our relationship. I try very hard to talk about solutions, leaving accusations and grievances out, but that's extremely hard. She believes in things getting better by themselves. Well, after two years together nothing got better by itself :/

But, back to the original question: do you have any idea about any way out of this situation that wouldn't hurt others so much? Or am I doomed to choose between fight I don't really believe I can win and being cruel?

If you can't communicate in your relationship, then you don't have a relationship. If she believes that not communicating (letting things get better by themselves) is the best approach, she's not ready to be in a loving, mutually beneficial relationship.

You sound like you're really scared of causing her pain. But you are not doing her any favors by avoiding causing her pain, thereby trapping both of you in a communicationless, loveless, freedomless situation.

Don't let fear run your life. Do the loving thing. I think you should see a therapist on your own about this.

Huge thanks! :) Actually you're right -- I do concentrate on negative things. I feel like I jumped in to help someone out of dark water but now I'm the one that frantically grasps for bits of air. I'm the stronger one in our relationship but I guess I've been too gentle in rescuing and that made me weaker. Problem is, trying to get out of water forcibly may separate hands holding together... damn, it's all so cold and intellectual to talk about it :/ But without being stronger again I won't be able to do anything -- save myself, save anyone. Kudos to you, Rose of Cairo for most thought-provoking post! It's not a solution but a light shining on all paths! :)


All you wrote is true... and also makes me think :) Scared... I never thought that I'm scared of causing pain. Thank you very much Angela!

Hi mage,

to be strong, concentrate on positive things and on all thoughts that make you feel good and happy! I can highly recommend this method of writing down the positive aspects of a relationship. I know I'm just repeating the same now, but it's because I want to convince you that it's really efficient. You'll see, wonders will happen. My bf, this lazy macho ;) , even began to do some housework, by himself! As long as I was concentrating on him doing nothing, nothing changed at all, despite all constructive communication. Then I focused on how gentle and funny and sexy he is, what a great sex we have and how wonderful it is that he leaves me in peace when I am home, and suddenly out of nowhere, without me saying anything, he took a broom in his hands :D Try it, maybe you'll leave anyway, but in a different state of mind.

About helping, Steve wrote this for you. And Erin wrote this nice little thing that may help you :)

Have a wonderful day! today is great. :cool:

mage,

I think it is great that you love her and that you are willing to sacrifice yourself in order for her to be happy. I am no expert at relationships, but I will tell you from what little experience I have, that self sacrifice in a non-mutual relationship will not bring much benefit.

I was in the same mindset as you during my previous relationship, and did not wish to hurt the girl I was with by leaving her alone and releasing all my attachment to her. But if the relationship is not mutual and beneficial for both parties, loving the person unconditionally and moving on is the best that you can really do. Every situation is different, so you must judge it for yourself, but don't let a relationship that doesn't serve you drag you down.

Thank you all for your responses! I won't write much today since I've got a lot of thinking to do but I want to tell you that what you wrote is important. Thanks.