Unwanted Introversion
 

Greetings people, I'm happy that i have found this forum.

I've always had this ongoing problem of introversion. since mid teen years I've seemed to cast myself away from social groups, or when participating in social conversation, and i hear people talking i have nothing constructive to say, unless I'm knowledgeable of whatever they are talking about, which seems to be this way in many peoples cases, whether its small talk from the less knowledgeable, or big talk (back to back interest). I'm not sure if there were any past occurrences or turning points in my life that coulda brought this on me, and its not really a problem of feeling lonely, its more of a problem wanting to verbally express myself. I'm not really introverted when I'm around my couple of friends, that I've grown up with, who i share interests with, but when I'm around my older brother, I'm totally introvert . i think its because he is more intelligent than me, because when we're talking I'm usually in "passive" mode the whole time, it feels like a defense mechanism that switches on so i dont sound stupid if i say something outta context, he lectures me about a lot of things that i read about on the internet, religion, spirituality, how the world works, government, etc... i feel as if I'm a smart person myself, because I'm able to express my research and findings to my friends , but its just totally different when I'm around my brother. Whenever we're riding, or sitting and chatting,i want to deeply accommodate the social response but i find myself mentally scrambling for things to say, and usually I'm like " yea" " thats true man"... "yeea" after each statement.. We hardly don't hang around much but we're still close.. Hes 28, and I'm 21.. I'm just so amazed at how intelligent and articulate he sounds when he speaks.. Hes a funny guy, and we went out las night because i wanted to get out the house,we were going to a little club area, but heh, iforgot my i.d.

The whole time we were driving he was talking about the psychology of men and women, and why we're attracted to one another** went much deeper than that** Prior to us going out thats a subject i've been researching for a while, and I've came to my conclusions as well, but i just found myself saying "yea" "thats true man"... after every statement.. i was just sitting there very quietly since he doesn't have a radio, and he says " COME ON MAN!! GET HYPE WE'RE GOIN' OUT TONITE!" all i did was nod my head and smiled, but i really wanted to shout out tooo.. i feel like i offend him when i don't say anything, and i think its sad. I slept over his house after we got back, and just sat on the couch the whole time, I'M REALLY NOT SURE WHY.. he would come around and say a degree of things, like regular chat, and i may say a sentence to compliment what he said, and thats it. I feel like empty luggage when i'm around him because i have nothing to contribute,or rather, i don't know what topics to bring up .

I've come to a conclusion that maybe the reason why I'm introverted around him is because sub consciously i fear his intelligence and whatever i contribute will be of no value...to him during the conversation..Heck, i'm even an introvert on many forums.

Is this a natural trait that all humans have? in regards to the intelligence of older siblings and their longer life experience?


Thanks for your time.

We're glad you found us! :) (I'm fond of Bens! Yay!)

You mean you're shy. Introversion has nothing to do with being shy. I am a SUPER introvert. All this means is most of my focuses are inward, as opposed to being focused on external things, as in being an extrovert. I am totally my number one priority and have a very rich internal world, and am more interested in the feelings and thoughts I derive from external reality than the external reality itself.

Older siblings lecture. It's the nature of the beast. I'm the baby of three and I get it from two big brothers. Of course, I am quick to remind them: When's the last time YOU asked Mom and Dad for money versus the last time I asked? :D If you want to feel better about your position in your family, become more successful than your brother.

So do you just have nothing to add or are you afraid of looking stupid?

Honest question: What do you mean he's smarter than you? Higher IQ? Better test taker?

Thanks for your response

"You mean you're shy. Introversion has nothing to do with being shy. I am a SUPER introvert. All this means is most of my focuses are inward, as opposed to being focused on external things, as in being an extrovert. I am totally my number one priority and have a very rich internal world, and am more interested in the feelings and thoughts I derive from external reality than the external reality itself."

I don't think I'm shy at all. I've broken that mold a while ago, and i also derive my energy from being in my comfort zone *Totally comfortable being isolated without needing to feed off of other peoples aura; not so loquacious when around friend's friends, don't care to really seek other people's approval, etc.. A characteristic of being an introvert entails always thinking before talking and evaluating/reevaluating your statements/responses, as opposed to being an extrovert whereas he/she doesn't. Maybe i probably still am shy to a certain extent though, so you're right in that respect.



So do you just have nothing to add or are you afraid of looking stupid?

honestly I'm not too sure, maybe be a mixture of both. I often over think how to approach the angular scope of whatever hes elaborating on, only to find myself not saying anything at all.


Honest question: What do you mean he's smarter than you? Higher IQ? Better test taker?[/QUOTE]

When i say he's smarter than i am,I'm not second guessing when i think it has to do with his analysis of the world and how it operates,maybe he just has a better understanding of things that hes learned through experience. .. Typical things we converse about he expands on so extensively, and maybe i aspire reach that caliber of wisdom.

No problemo. That's what I'm here for until the boyfriend gets here for dinner!

I'm that way myself, regarding not needing others.

But you obviously need your brother's approval for whatever reason.

Why not voice it?


It sounds like your identity is hugely based around being the younger brother. Go get your own, boy! When you seek out your own world experiences independent of your brother, you'll find yourself with new insights.

I'll let you in on one of the greatest secrets of my life: Truly striking it out on my own with no family, friends, or anything in a new town. When you truly step away from all your old roles, and begin fresh, you're free to do anything. Sure, I kept in touch, but I left my ex and started TOTALLY fresh. And when you become that single (in a romantic and familial sense) confident person, THAT'S the person who gets invited to the party and everyone is jealous of.

And you'll find in that real fresh start in a new scene, be it a new bar or a new town or taking new classes at your friendly community college, you'll start to see that person and how awesome you can be. And when you go back to those relationships, you'll bring that experience and confidence with you.

Thanks for your response once again,

i read your response ending with a smile :)

But you obviously need your brother's approval for whatever reason.

maybe because i want to prove to him that I'm knowledgeable on his interests, which are also my interests? i don't want to seem like the boring non nonchalant little brother, i want to be able rejoice when he rejoices ,but can't harness the energy to SPEAK ALOUD.when I'm around my couple of friends who are my age, I'm totally wild and comical. When with him, i seem boring i feel, and overly quiet.. While we're riding around i think of things to say in between the quiet zones, after hes through talking, only to come up empty. Is it an age difference/ inferiority complex issue on top of other speculation maybe?



Why not voice it?


I think thats my problem, I become so overwhelmed that I'm speechless, lol


i should just disregard these sentiments as a whole and get on with my life..

I didnt read much, but you say you didnt do things you wanted to do, i think this means that you have limiting beliefs that are an obstacle for doing what you really want, and i have a tool for you to get rid of this limiting beliefs, its a weird tool, it looks a little weird, and it promises much, but its easy, fast, and free, and i strongly recommend you and encourage you to try it, it may change your life as well as it did with mine with a similar problem than yours, this tool is called EFT, try the link at my signature, and visit Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique for some good free videos to start really quick, good luck!.

Your problem isn't introversion, as noted, but what is called the "fixed mindset", by Carol Dweck. You're more interested in proving yourself, showing your own brilliance, and when you can't you close down and turn inward to avoid having to allow yourself to be seen as ignorant or uncertain.

The reverse is the growth mindset, which is based on the assumption that it is always possible to get better at anything, and as a result, it's okay to make mistakes and look stupid, because then you have opportunities to learn.

Learn how to say, "I don't understand," and "Could you explain that?" Learn how to say stuff that sounds stupid to you: it takes some impulsiveness, but it can be done. If you're dead wrong, you'll find out. If you're right, you'll look good. If neither of you have any idea, hey it's more to talk about.

What is the earliest incidence of this happening with you and your brother? Can you remember something happening before you were eight years old or so where you felt this defense mechanism switch on? See if you can remember something even earlier -- 3, 4, 5 years old.

Christian/Michael/Angela... Thanks for your replies...

I will try the tapping method as suggested Christian

Angela, i can't recall anything significant that has happened between us,, (except when i got maad at him, started calling him names n stuff a long time ago, and he lifted me up to the ceiling and threw me on the bed- but it wasn't emotionally damaging or anything) i mean i love him, it just feels funny when I'm around him because he overwhelms me with so much information, not in a sense that its hard to understand, but in a way which i wish i could add on to what he says.. Not sure if that makes sense or not.. The fixed mindset which was explained by Michael seems to identify my stance on this issue. I tend to close up, to avoid sounding ignorant if i have nothing to say (which is my defense mech.) Aside from that issue, i normally, just, don't, have anything interesting to say to him except our discussions about the current state music which seems to be a redundant topic i bring up.. Otherwise, its quiet time unless hes talking to me..

Ben, there was a first time you had this response to your big brother. During that incident, you decided something about yourself and ever since then all of your interactions with him have been run by that decision. That is the fixed mindset.

So I wasn't asking you to remember a significant incident, but rather, the earliest time you can remember feeling this feeling of -- what is it -- freezing up, shutting down -- with your brother. Something happened and it might not strike you as a significant memory, except that you'll be able to "feel" the memory.

You up for that?