Advice PLEASE!!! Why did he and what does that mean?

[lovedinflorida]

Hello everyone I'm new to the board! So hello!!

I am in need of some advice so PLEASE all opinions are welcomed!

Heres the story...

I was seeing this guy for 7 years....our foundation is based on friendship..and everyone sees that we love each other, its evident. BUT something happened, we started getting really serious as far as savings accounts, bills together, and etc etc. It was getting truly serious and we started talking about future, going over goals and etc. Well he started telling me(when it got really serious) was that he couldnt give me what I wanted and that he loves me but HE WILL NOT HURT ME, and that he was not ready for what I was ready for. We took some space because i didnt understand. Well during our space, he went and got a girlfriend that is much younger than me, has no career, dependent, childish, and nothing like me. It broke my heart. He tried to explain to me, that he didnt want to give himself 100% to anyone and he didnt want restrictions and that he didnt want a serious relationship right now in his life and that he just wants to have fun. And that he wants to be with me but he CANT! And that he refuses to cheat on me, because he cares about me too much to do that. That he was not the mongomous type right now QUESTION: So what i dont understand is WHY IS HE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GIRL??! I thought he didnt want all of that!!! People are telling me he did tell me the truth and that his relationship is "fun". He told me that it "was something to do, and something to pass the time with" WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME??????!!!!

[lovedinflorida]

Also if he is not the man that wants a monogamous relationship, then why is he with that girl?

Me and him are still best friends, and he comes to me about everything and anything, I just don't understand this whole thing!!!

My friend also told me that he sees me as future and her as "right now"..this is so confusing!

[Zukin]

I think there's two potential situations here:
(1) he's telling the truth
or
(2) he's not telling the truth

This sounds really simplistic, but figuring out which situation it is will make it easier to find out where to go from there.

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Zukin

I think there's two potential situations here:
(1) he's telling the truth
or
(2) he's not telling the truth

This sounds really simplistic, but figuring out which situation it is will make it easier to find out where to go from there.

He's definately telling the truth..he cant be monogamous..ITS DEFINATELY THE TRUTH...

Its crazy because his friends laugh at this new girl and her idea of their relationship, but I just dont get it! in my mind its like he didnt want me he wanted her, to everyone else and even him thats not it they keep saying he CANT and WON't be with you because hes not up to par and he doesnt want to hurt you..i am so confused!

[Zukin]

Does your relationship have these elements?

Checklist: four sets of ingredients for a high-nurturance relationship.

[full disclosure: While I read a lot about personal development and interpersonal communication, I have never been in a romantic relationship, so you may want to pay more attention to what others who have been in this type of situation have to say.]

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Zukin

Does your relationship have these elements?

Checklist: four sets of ingredients for a high-nurturance relationship.

[full disclosure: While I read a lot about personal development and interpersonal communication, I have never been in a romantic relationship, so you may want to pay more attention to what others who have been in this type of situation have to say.]

Thank you for the checklist!!! And its crazy because we have all of the above, people envy the type of relationship we have, i guess thats where our friendship foundation comes in, but he backed away when it got truly serious and then goes and gets a younger girlfriend with no drive, just a stagnant person..and thats whats confusing bc of his explanation of him not wanting the serious relationship, monogamous thing right now...so its like well why is he with that girl!? Its all so confusing!

Thank you Zukin!

[Shamou]

lovedinflorida! Seems to me that your friend is afraid of having a commitment with an equal... what he wants is a "toy female companion..." Lots of fun and less threatening...

I hope that I am wrong... but, if I'm right you must understand that the guy has some feelings for you and does not want to hurt you... but those "feelings" simply are not strong enough to get him to commit to a one on one relationship with you...

Right now, the only thing that I see that you can do is to set him free... and see what the future holds for you...

The very best of luck to you and much courage...
.

[Angela]

It hurts like a mf, though, I'm sure, and I'm sorry you are going through that.

After seven years together (you ever hear of the "seven year itch"?) you started to get serious: money, future, goals, etc. This was confronting to him; he realized he wasn't ready for that, he told you (to his credit!) that it was all too serious and he just wanted to have fun. Who is the perfect person to get involved with if you just want to have fun? Someone who is younger, no career, childish -- someone who is a safe bet not to push him for all the serious stuff. Then he insures himself even further by keeping you on the hook -- "I love you, you're my future, you're my best friend, I'll never hurt you...." and you fall for it because you've got so much invested in him.

In fact, he has told you the truth, so believe him. He is not ready for the kind of relationship you want. There is nothing you can do to change him, and figuring him out will not profit you.

My advice to you is: Let him go with love. Stop being his "best friend" -- stop seeing him entirely, at least until he is 100% clear of this new girl-toy. But let go of the hope that you'll get together again, too. Immediately find three fabulous men and allow them to ask you out on dates, and then investigate and revel in whatever it is that attracted them to you.

Waste as little of your life as possible singing the Chicken Opera (Braack! Why did he Why won't he How come he Why wouldn't he.... braaack! braaack! braaaaaaaaack!!!!)

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Angela

It hurts like a mf, though, I'm sure, and I'm sorry you are going through that.

After seven years together (you ever hear of the "seven year itch"?) you started to get serious: money, future, goals, etc. This was confronting to him; he realized he wasn't ready for that, he told you (to his credit!) that it was all too serious and he just wanted to have fun. Who is the perfect person to get involved with if you just want to have fun? Someone who is younger, no career, childish -- someone who is a safe bet not to push him for all the serious stuff. Then he insures himself even further by keeping you on the hook -- "I love you, you're my future, you're my best friend, I'll never hurt you...." and you fall for it because you've got so much invested in him.

In fact, he has told you the truth, so believe him. He is not ready for the kind of relationship you want. There is nothing you can do to change him, and figuring him out will not profit you.

My advice to you is: Let him go with love. Stop being his "best friend" -- stop seeing him entirely, at least until he is 100% clear of this new girl-toy. But let go of the hope that you'll get together again, too. Immediately find three fabulous men and allow them to ask you out on dates, and then investigate and revel in whatever it is that attracted them to you.

Waste as little of your life as possible singing the Chicken Opera (Braack! Why did he Why won't he How come he Why wouldn't he.... braaack! braaack! braaaaaaaaack!!!!)

Thank you so much for your advice Angela! One thing though you said "Then he insures himself even further by keeping you on the hook" why do that and what for? If he doesnt want to be with me, why does he still feel that we should remain so close? I thought if man doesnt want you then they are done? Why is he still around so heavily?

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Shamou

lovedinflorida! Seems to me that your friend is afraid of having a commitment with an equal... what he wants is a "toy female companion..." Lots of fun and less threatening...

I hope that I am wrong... but, if I'm right you must understand that the guy has some feelings for you and does not want to hurt you... but those "feelings" simply are not strong enough to get him to commit to a one on one relationship with you...

Right now, the only thing that I see that you can do is to set him free... and see what the future holds for you...

The very best of luck to you and much courage...
.

Thank you Shamou!! Hmmm "a toy companion"..I think you might be right... You said " but those "feelings" simply are not strong enough to get him to commit to a one on one relationship with you..." which I can understand bc he is not monogomous and doesnt want to be right now in his life so why get in a relationship? I thought he didnt want one, so i guess he wanted to be one on one with the *toy companion*?...*scratching head*( I sometimes I hate my thought process)

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by lovedinflorida

I thought he didnt want one, so i guess he wanted to be one on one with the *toy companion*

A toy is not a relationship... it's a possession... I know... I'm a guy... been there...
.

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Shamou

A toy is not a relationship... it's a possession... I know... I'm a guy... been there...
.

Whoa Shamou! So are you saying its a one-sided relationship? You being a guy, you're saying its a possession? Why possess something that is a "toy" and why is it that he is still trying to be in my life if he cant be with me bc of the monogamy and doesnt want to hurt me...etc etc blah blah..

Originally Posted by Shamou

A toy is not a relationship... it's a possession... I know... I'm a guy... been there...
.

And if he cant commit to me when we share much more, why can he commit somewhere else? I hope im making sense..lol

[emeraldbaby]

what made you think he's committed to the 'girl-toy'? unlike serious relationships, such girls/relationships are interchangeable.

as for why he chose one girl instead of opting to be single and swinging? sorry to hurt you but isn't sex on tap better and easier than going out and looking for different girls all the time? He isn't 'committed' the way you define it, he's just having his cake and looking out for a different flavour, while keeping his old favourite (you) around just in case.

I'd have guessed that the whole point of his relationship with the girl is that it gives him what he wants (sex, companionship etc) but doesn't require real commitment from him.

May be he still loves you. That's what you want to hear. But it could just be that he likes familiarity and companionship; that's partly why people won't leave their ex's alone. I've had one friend say to her ex she doesn't understand why he needs space after she dumped him, that if he thought "logically", he'd see that they can be friends "just like before" and she should be able to call up anytime etc etc.

I don't know your ex, so this is my most cynical, hard-nosed conjecture based on what I've seen in my own life. If he loves you he will come back, in the mean time, try not to hurt yourself with theories that you can't prove.

All the best.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by lovedinflorida

And if he cant commit to me when we share much more, why can he commit somewhere else? I hope im making sense..lol

Again, I hope that I am wrong... but the reason that he does not want to commit with you is precisely because you share so much more... sharing can be seen as an entanglement... a place where you lose some of your freedom... a place where you must let go a part of who you are in order to become a part of a couple... it can be damned scary if the person does not care enough...

There is always that nagging feeling... "what if I can find something better down the line..." if, I'm stuck... I won't be able to jump on that opportunity...

In a "toy relationship" you have none of those issues... you can always get rid of a toy as easily as you have acquired it... so, no feelings of obligation there...

However, I honestly hope that I am wrong... and I do wish you the very best...
.

[Cassie]

I agree with Angela. Your man freaked and bailed - he's going through a phase that unfortunately is very destructive to your former shared relationship.

Forget about him and find a man who will value you properly.

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

what made you think he's committed to the 'girl-toy'? unlike serious relationships, such girls/relationships are interchangeable.

as for why he chose one girl instead of opting to be single and swinging? sorry to hurt you but isn't sex on tap better and easier than going out and looking for different girls all the time? He isn't 'committed' the way you define it, he's just having his cake and looking out for a different flavour, while keeping his old favourite (you) around just in case.

Interchangeable? wow. I can understand the choosing one girl and not opting to be single (he told me he needed something stable, but I took as I "oh so you cant be STABLE with me, and he told me I was all wrong) but doesnt that mean that he can be monogamous? Or am I misunderstanding?

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

I'd have guessed that the whole point of his relationship with the girl is that it gives him what he wants (sex, companionship etc) but doesn't require real commitment from him.

I think you may be right..

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Again, I hope that I am wrong... but the reason that he does not want to commit with you is precisely because you share so much more... sharing can be seen as an entanglement... a place where you lose some of your freedom... a place where you must let go a part of who you are in order to become a part of a couple... it can be damned scary if the person does not care enough....

So thats what he meant when he said "you are my best friend and I tell you everything and thats why I cant do that to you, because im not ready for that right now"..when I got upset at him, he told me that I was taking it as a negative, but its not, its just that he cant be that person right now

Originally Posted by Shamou

There is always that nagging feeling... "what if I can find something better down the line..." if, I'm stuck... I won't be able to jump on that opportunity....

Keeping options open...

Originally Posted by Shamou

In a "toy relationship" you have none of those issues... you can always get rid of a toy as easily as you have acquired it... so, no feelings of obligation there...

Got you, he explained this somewhat to me, I think thats what he meant by "something for right now and to pass the time away while he gets himself together". That's another thing, he is not quite where he wants to be in life, he has so much more he has wants and needs to do, and at his worst point thats when he decided to be with "the toy" as you say..

What is a "something to do, or something to pass time away" ?

Originally Posted by Shamou

However, I honestly hope that I am wrong... and I do wish you the very best...
.

Shamou, I think you right, thank you for the well wishes, and thanks for deciphering this for me!

[lovedinflorida]

Originally Posted by Cassie

I agree with Angela. Your man freaked and bailed - he's going through a phase that unfortunately is very destructive to your former shared relationship.

Forget about him and find a man who will value you properly.

Thanks Cassie!!! I think he freaked too, but also he isnt ready for all that bc truthfully he has alot of growing up to do, and he knows it.

[lovedinflorida]

Does anyone have any more advice or suggestions about my situation? How do you asses it?