I want to be a good partner

[Kidman]

Hey,
I just thought I wrote here what's on my mind all day lon since I'm hung up on it and it kills me. Talking to friends is not exactly going to help me because I don't think they'd understand me and of course I need some neutral advice/ opinions.
My problem is that latley I treat my girlfriend like crap. (I'm actually talking about a girl I wrote long ago click. I'm actually happy with her now and I honestly can say I love her.) But I don't know what's up with me. I feel like I'm not enough for her that's all in my head I know but I can't ignore my feelings on that subject. All she wants to do is spent time with me (which I would love to do) but it's not that easy because school started again, she lives far away (not in my town), and she has other obligations like her sports. This weekend she has no time for me and that makes me angry. I know it's not her fault and that makes it all the more stupid how I react. I push her away and talk like

"Well I don't care if we see each other, I don't care when we see eacht other again, I don't want to see you for just 4 hours a week so stay at home"

Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go to a club and I said no. Later she wrote me a short message where she was and I should come by if I wanted to. As is read that I felt even angrier and I don't know why, I know it probably sounds crazy but I guess I'm just stupid. Of course I didn't respond to that to make her feel sad. I'm such an *******.

The most stupid thing is that I wanna let her feel how I feel, I can't just let it go, which is just what I have to do to be a good partner. I should care about her feelings and make it easier for her. Even though I know that I can't do it. It's like it's physically impossible, I just react the way I described and though I feel sorry I don't behave like I'm sorry.

I really want to make it up to her... how could I change myself? Make a better man out of myself, so that she can be happy and doesn't have to stand my mood swings...

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Kidman

Hey,
I really want to make it up to her... how could I change myself? Make a better man out of myself, so that she can be happy and doesn't have to stand my mood swings...

Mood swings happen when you are tense or high-strung... or dissatisfied with your life... so, that is what you have to work on if you want to change... your girl friend has very little to do with it... she's is just the trigger that sets it off...

The best of luck to you...
.

[Angela]

Sounds like there's something you're hiding from yourself, and it's coming out inappropriately in the way you treat her. Then you watch your behavior in horror, mystified as to why you're acting like such a ****.

So, what are you pretending? Are you swallowing some resentment about the relationship? Maybe you are angry because you feel she's not giving you the best of her time and attention WHEN you want it. So you are "punishing" her without being aware of it. That's passive-aggression, and it doesn't do very much good for a relationship!

The good news is that looking honestly at what you've been hiding from yourself, and shining the light of day on it, will go a long way towards helping you create something that works better.

Best wishes!

[Michael Chui]

First, write her a letter. Something similar to this post. Or heck, link her to this post. Tell her, and let her help you.

Second, see if you can find someone to teach you how to meditate. Any of the reasonably common traditions or disciplines will do: if you've heard of it, and the teacher is credible, it's sufficient.

Third, if you have any kind of expressive art... painting, writing, singing... spend more time on that. Share it with her.

[Life Warrior]

Being honest with yourself about your actions and feelings is the first step to positive change. You seem to have taken that step by posting in this forum. Great job on finding the courage to do it, as it takes major balls to be open like this with others. The hard part about it is that you have to be constantly honest with yourself.

When you can totally accept yourself, your actions, and be responsible for what you do, you will find that it is easy to be honest with others, especially your girlfriend -- because there is simply nothing to hide, conceal, or try to twist in order to make you appear like someone else. True relationships are built on trust and honesty, so being open with your girfriend is not just good, but a necessary thing if you want to stay together.

[Kidman]

Thanks for your time, your comments put a little perspective into all of this. The day I wrote that was in the end a good one. I called her and we made up, the time after that I was all nice to her again and I treated her with respect.
But today I was off again. Thursdays is the only day during the week where she has nothing to do and where we could spend some time together. I was expecting her to visit me but she had to work, it's ALWAYS something, that bugs me. But what bugs me more ist the way she behaved like it's no big deal, so I treated her bad again, the problem is I feel like I have no control over myself at those particular situation.

I guess

Originally Posted by Angela

Maybe you are angry because you feel she's not giving you the best of her time and attention WHEN you want it. So you are "punishing" her without being aware of it.

that's pretty much it. Well she doesn't call... I guess I just call it a night and I will talk to her tomorrow...

Thanks again.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Kidman

... so I treated her bad again, the problem is I feel like I have no control over myself at those particular situation.

Kidman, when you feel like you have no control it's easy to slide down into feeling like you have no responsibility. And then you're powerless (not to mention destructive!) If you want to have a great loving, mutually beneficial relationship, you have to take 100% responsibility for your life.

AND ... taking 100% responsibility for your life gives you all the power in the world.

Please don't let yourself slide on this. If you do, it's going to creep up in every relationship you have until you deal with it.

Lots of love,
Angela

[Christian223]

Hey Kidman, you know my Father is/was like that all the time when i was a kid, allways angry at us for no apparent reason, if you dont fix your issues you are going to make the life of many people who love you miserable, im sure you dont want that, but you have to really work on your un-resolved issues, because i think thats the reason for why you mis-treat your gf, dont avoid your inner-personal problems, accept them so you can change them.

My father for example suffered a lot when he was a kid, he worked at a farm with his grandparents, he started to work very early in his childhood, he didnt have a father, her mother was never there for him, it was very tough, i can only imagine what other things he suffered, the thing i am sure of is that he allways tried to avoid dealing with his issues, because beign angry was/is not his only problem, he is also extremely distant, quiet and defensive, wich makes it imposible to help him change, but you are different, you are accepting and wanting to change, thats great, your going to change but only if you work towards becoming a better man, its hard, i know, it takes time, but remeber you are not hurting yourself but the ones who love you...

A quick and powerfull way to change and become a better person is to use EFT and TAT, you know that beign angry is just a symptom of a core issue of yours, EFT and TAT are techniques that help you get rid of those core issues so that you dont present those ugly symptons of being angry, sad, or any limiting belief that you may have, i have personally tried it and its a blessing, its incredible how much can it change you in a short period of time.
It looks very weird, but it really works, you have to give it a few tries because it WILL change you, it changed me, and millions of people around the world, just dont be decieved by how ridiculous and easy it looks, it simply works. So what you have to do is concentrate in your core un-resolved issues and limitinf beliefs, for example limiting beliefs like "im not good enough for her", you use EFT or TAT on that and you wont feel that any more, it will change you from the inside out. Try the link at my singature and visit Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique for some free video to start quick.

Good luck, you are on your way to be a better person and a better man to your gf, you just have to do something about it (use EFT and TAT! )

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Kidman

But what bugs me more is the way she behaved like it's no big deal

Maybe she doesn't know that it is a big deal for you? Have you told her it's a big deal?

We tend to communicate under the assumption that what is clear to ourselves must also be clear to others, when in fact, quite often, that is not the case.

Jim.

[Kidman]

Thanks again for your words I think I can use them to change myself a little at least for the sake of my girlfriend.

We spent the weekend together and I actually confronted her with my feelings, that I feel she has no time for me and all. She doesn't feel that way at all and she made it clear to me: she always calls me after school (even though it might be for just a few minutes), she always asks me how I feel and so on.

I guess she's right and maybe I want to much, and it's probably because I don't have anything to do the whole day so I just sit around doing nothing while she has lots of work to do.

Angela: thx, I will try that

Christian: thx, I will try that

Jim: thx, you're right

[JimOfferman]

That's great to hear... good for you! Be sure to keep talking to her about how you feel - since she calls you daily, you ought to have ample opportunity for that! :P

Oh, and do try to find something better to do with your time than wait for her to call you again.

Best of luck,
Jim.

[Kidman]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

That's great to hear... good for you! Be sure to keep talking to her about how you feel - since she calls you daily, you ought to have ample opportunity for that! :P

Oh, and do try to find something better to do with your time than wait for her to call you again.

Best of luck,
Jim.

Yeah, that's a whole different story but I start working october 1st, I hope it'll be better then