marry yourself first

[openeyes]

A few years ago I came across the thought that before marrying or deeply committing to anyone else, for a more fulfilling union you must first marry yourself, becoming comfortable in your own skin and no longer feeling a need for anyone to complete you. Until I was about 20 I put a lot of energy into dating relationships, but I finally realized that most of what I was hoping others could do for me, I had to do for myself (it's the same with religion, I have to create my own meaning).

From then on, other people simply became a nice bonus. Surprisingly, things became much easier after that. You stop leaning on others so much, neediness fades, and suddenly other people are sought out largely to share fun experiences, rather than in a grasping attempt to fill some void. You may also find that suddenly you can love people more for who they are than for who you need them to be. It may take a while to fall for yourself and learn to really enjoy your own company but it's worth it.

[Livgivare]

True but hard to do. But to love yourself is so important otherwise you just get depressed and ask for help and get nothing for it...

Love Leelene

[Dan.Linehan]

Yeah, I've just realized that too, in the last year or so.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, openeyes. This is something I've concluded as I've worked through my first relationship with all it's problems. I was grasping instead of generating (gotta love Angela). Now that I do my best to take care of myself and share that, things are much better. It's a tough thing to do, but so worth it. It prevents you from having to analyze and disect everything for it's hidden meaning. You can accept the other person for who they are instead of trying to make them into a machine to provide what you're missing.

[Flyingwithoutwings]

Originally Posted by openeyes

It may take a while to fall for yourself and learn to really enjoy your own company but it's worth it.

I like it, and I think I can do it even though I'm in a relationship already.

[lizthefair]

This is exactly the advice I give people on my "Relationship Advice that Doesn't Suck" Lens.

If you don't love yourself you will change with the wind to become what other people tell you to be--and you'll be miserable.

[Shamou]

Getting to love yourself is what is called, "The Ultimate Seduction..."

Not easy to do... but once you've succeeded... you are happy for life...

.

[Chinese Dragon]

Well remember everyone, Adam married his own rib.

[Michael Chui]

Nicely put.

[elliot]

While I do realize it is several months after this post was originally made it, I can definitely relate to it. For a long time, I felt as though was a void in my life, yet when I was in a relationship or my perception of being in a relationship, it seemed like the person I was with also was in a similar situation. Except in many ways their void was so vast and deep that I could not help them overcome it.

Marry yourself first? It sounds kind of silly but if you are not attracted to yourself and are not putting your best face forward, how are others going to? For me personally, I'm still working on that area. Of course there are different reasons why you feel a void some of them outside your circle of influence some of them within it. However I strongly believe an individual's own perception makes the greater determination.

[Life Warrior]

Originally Posted by elliot

While I do realize it is several months after this post was originally made it, I can definitely relate to it. For a long time, I felt as though was a void in my life, yet when I was in a relationship or my perception of being in a relationship, it seemed like the person I was with also was in a similar situation. Except in many ways their void was so vast and deep that I could not help them overcome it.

Elliot, very timely for you to revive the thread, as I have finally come to terms with this. I was in a similar situation in my previous relationships. As an escape from a relationship with myself, I would try to help someone else fill their void. No wonder things didn't work out. The idea of generating happiness just from a relationship with yourself and your higher self seems quite scary at first. But realizing that without being in alignment with who you truly are, that you cannot properly share your creative flow the rest of the world, does make a lot of sense.

[LifeFirst]

So basically this is the same notion that you have to be accepting of yourself, truly love and understand yourself before you can be with someone else. Meaning that you choose to be happy now whether you are single or not, just be in a happy mindstate regardless of the situation surrounding you.


But that is a pretty hard process, I know, for a lot of people. So for those who might take a long time to fix the errors of their ways, the flaws in their thinking and behavior, you guys are saying that they shouldn't get in a relationship at all during that time? What if it takes someone 10 years to fully understand him or herself?? They should just walk in a invisible tunnel all by themselves for 10 years until they see the light? All this stuff I do understand to a certain degree, but wouldn't it be better to grow with someone as well? Someone who can help you along the way?


I mean, I have never been in a relationship before, but I'm not completely clueless. I take care of myself, I exercise a lot, I like doing it. I think I'm pretty attractive, I can attract people, talk to them. But.....what? I have a positive attitude most of the time, try to be in the moment, use law of attraction, be happy. I never complain about not being in a relationship or whatever. But I see this as an never-ending process, I'm always going to be improving myself, I probably won't be 100% satisfied with everything I do, I'm always going to improve myself, but I think it's all a process that we have to master along the way.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

So for those who might take a long time to fix the errors of their ways, the flaws in their thinking and behavior, you guys are saying that they shouldn't get in a relationship at all during that time?

Though not an absolute rule, I'd said "before marrying or deeply committing to anyone else". I have plenty of great people in my life right now, and being around them often helps to deepen my love for myself. Interactions with others simply get easier the more I've loved and worked on myself.

With people serving as mirrors for each other, dating can be a great way to bring out insecurities that still need to be worked on, but you may need to actually focus on yourself a bit to really work past those insecurities, rather than simply have them keep flaring up.

[Aurora]

Yep, a couple of weeks ago I bought myself a Right hand ring as a symbol of me nowadays not placing my focus and wellbeing into a relationship with someone else than me. I married myself, got "off the market" so to say .

Nowadays I acutally feel much more at ease meeting other people (esp. men) since I'm more reaxed in just being me and not being keen on trying to validate my own worth by being noticed, dating or being in relationships.

Excellent thread, and hooray for all the ones that realize that loving and valuing one self is the way to go! Actually I thing its the best way to create a long lasting relationship with someone else overall.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

All this stuff I do understand to a certain degree, but wouldn't it be better to grow with someone as well? Someone who can help you along the way?

I mean, I have never been in a relationship before, but I'm not completely clueless. I take care of myself, I exercise a lot, I like doing it. I think I'm pretty attractive, I can attract people, talk to them. But.....what? I have a positive attitude most of the time, try to be in the moment, use law of attraction, be happy. I never complain about not being in a relationship or whatever. But I see this as an never-ending process, I'm always going to be improving myself, I probably won't be 100% satisfied with everything I do, I'm always going to improve myself, but I think it's all a process that we have to master along the way.

Originally Posted by openeyes

Though not an absolute rule, I'd said "before marrying or deeply committing to anyone else". I have plenty of great people in my life right now, and being around them often helps to deepen my love for myself. Interactions with others simply get easier the more I've loved and worked on myself.

With people serving as mirrors for each other, dating can be a great way to bring out insecurities that still need to be worked on, but you may need to actually focus on yourself a bit to really work past those insecurities, rather than simply have them keep flaring up.

Good points all 'round. Since growth is a continual process, it seems what we're talking about here is not growth, but self-acceptance/self-love. Mature, wholesome self-love, not the narcissistic kind.

But I do believe that there are some aspects of self-love that are impossible to truly attain unless you're in a relationship. As you said, openeyes, dating can bring out insecurities. I'd take it further and say that unless you're in a situation which brings out those insecurities, you won't be able to deal with them. You won't be able to discover those hidden issues and integrate them into your awareness of your self.

So suppose you do stop dating for a few years, learn to love yourself completely, then once you start dating again realise that there are parts of yourself which you had missed. No doubt you'd be in a far better position to deal with the newly revealed parts of yourself, but unless you are far more self-aware than most highly self-aware people, you won't escape this necessity for dealing with the issues of continual re-integration.

I think it's more important to consciously work on self-improvement in all aspects of your life, than to try to work on various aspects separately. So I have no intention of waiting until I completely love myself before getting into a relationship, but likewise I have no intention of getting into a relationship to 'complete myself' or any such nonsense

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

Since growth is a continual process, it seems what we're talking about here is not growth, but self-acceptance/self-love. Mature, wholesome self-love, not the narcissistic kind.

Just a nitpick, but

Isn't self-acceptance something you grow into?

Or rather, something you grow out of when puberty strikes, and back into when your head fits better onto your neck?

[Mark Lapierre]

Heh. True. Ignore that sentence. We're talking about the whole package

[MidasGirl]

Sorry to unbury a totally old thread --but it was referenced elsewhere and I think it's relevant to current discussions.

Good points openeyes -- I never quite warmed to the idea of "the other half" myself. I think it gives the impression that 2 incomplete people must come together to make one whole. While what I've seen is that the most admirable relationships are ones where the 2 people are completely whole, and they come together to play.

[Carolina Robin]

I call it living in my truth, not the truth of another. I have found that if I put my truth first, things usually just fall into place. A place of happiness.

[Karanime]

Agreed.

Though it's dangerous living around unconscious people. Society is filled with people telling you what a relationship "should" be, and it's never right.

I spent years thinking my relationships should be something else. They shouldn't. They just are. Take 'em or leave 'em.

/<3

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Sorry to unbury a totally old thread --but it was referenced elsewhere and I think it's relevant to current discussions.

Good points openeyes -- I never quite warmed to the idea of "the other half" myself. I think it gives the impression that 2 incomplete people must come together to make one whole. While what I've seen is that the most admirable relationships are ones where the 2 people are completely whole, and they come together to play.

The idea comes from Plato, who was literally talking about people with four arms and four legs. -_- Sometimes I think, "If only he had started at 8; then we'd know we need three soulmates to complete ourselves."

[Futhark]

I think marriage is whatever you make of it. You don't need a white dress and fancy party. You don't need to follow strange quotes like "the other half of me". You can be just as much of an *******. Whatever you want, just like non-married life. I believe it is natural, a rite of passage. I am very strongly pro life and pro marriage goes hand in hand.

I can understand other people's viewpoints, wanting to explore and improve from a solitary perspective. Life just seems so throwaway though if you can just hit the restart button though?

Feel free to check out my newest lifehack, the reason I visited this thread:

Futhark Lifehack: Why Marriage is a Lifehack

[Weena]

Originally Posted by openeyes

A few years ago I came across the thought that before marrying or deeply committing to anyone else, for a more fulfilling union you must first marry yourself, becoming comfortable in your own skin and no longer feeling a need for anyone to complete you. Until I was about 20 I put a lot of energy into dating relationships, but I finally realized that most of what I was hoping others could do for me, I had to do for myself (it's the same with religion, I have to create my own meaning).

From then on, other people simply became a nice bonus. Surprisingly, things became much easier after that. You stop leaning on others so much, neediness fades, and suddenly other people are sought out largely to share fun experiences, rather than in a grasping attempt to fill some void. You may also find that suddenly you can love people more for who they are than for who you need them to be. It may take a while to fall for yourself and learn to really enjoy your own company but it's worth it.

Oh i couldn't agree more!!!! That is when i was in that place that i met my husband. I was just very okay with myself and with my "loneliness", i mean i had a job i loved (and i gave most of my energy into that) and friends i loved, so i wasn't "lonely" in a social sense but in the love department i couldn't have cared less what would happen. I was just happy being a lone wolf and follow my own path. I went backpacking alone and there was the other lone wolf, my soul mate appeared on my path.
I've noticed that when people obsess on finding their soul mate yet not enjoying their own company they have difficulties manifesting a balanced relationship. I guess people can feel their neediness, as in seeking fulfillment through an other human being. That can't work. Nobody else can fill the void inside you. It could happen, but would it be an actual relationship, or a relationship where one of the partners is drained by the other?
Anyway... just wanted to tell you that i agree a hundred percent .