Friendship unbalanced?

[Sanity Panda]

There is a good friend of mine who I've known for five years, never in my mind did I entertain the thought that we might drift apart since I promised myself that I would always keep in contact. School has started once again for my friend, and it is really important to her so I would expect the level of contact to drop down close to nothing.

It has sort of been 5 weeks and I haven't heard a single word from her despite sending her e-mails, no threat here, maybe she would rather prefer another form of communication. However I haven't also seen her online during the weekends either.

What makes it worse is the fact that occasionally during the weekends I would see her using things such as facebook but not appearing on messenger. Granted, it could be that they are really busy with school work that they only have enough time to browse these websites but not enough to talk. I want to believe this is the case, but I'm afraid that I might just be deluding myself here.

Today I was tempted to send a short e-mail "Hello, How are you?" to see whether that would get a response from her as opposed to my longer e-mails which talked about whats been going on. Should I send the e-mail though? I mean I'd prefer it if they actually sent me something, cause they wanted to rather than send something cause I basically forced them (such as the e-mail above.)

Where do you think this friendship is heading honestly?

I'm sort of annoyed with myself cause I mean I'm basically doubting the strenght of our friendship but that idea of the other person not wanting to hang out anymore keeps reminding me every couple weeks or so. At the end of the day, I'd like to keep my offer of friendship as unconditional but I realised thats actually rather difficult.

[JimOfferman]

If she can't even be bothered to write a very brief "Hey, I'm ok, but very busy - talk soon!" kind of answer to your e-mails, then you are clearly not a priority in her world. No one is so busy that they cannot spare a few seconds to write a quick reply to a friend.

I'd suggest you send her that short e-mail - in doing so you'll give her one last chance to respond. If you again hear nothing, I'd say your time is better spent nurturing other (more rewarding) friendships...

Good luck,
Jim.

[Addict]

My fiancee complains of this constantly. Many of the friends she knew in high school don't work as hard as she does at maintaining their friendship. She always tries harder to go see them and keep in contact. It frankly pisses me off that these people are so selfish. At the same time, I can't really sympathize because I'm surrounded by all of my best friends and it's really easy to get together with them all.

My response is always that she's a better person and not to waste her time. Look for new friends if that is possible. I know it's not easy for some people.

[Boreas]

I think we have all been there. Try not to focus your attention so much on what they are doing, how much they have logged onto facebook etc. The more you think they are ignoring you, the more you will focus on it and ignore the other great relationships you have. (Including the relationship with yourself)

It is sort of like a Murphy's law: The amount of traffic is always inverse to the amount of time you have to reach your destination.

In other words, sometimes it is just appearances brought to us by our minds.

On the other hand though, sometimes people are trying to "start over" and make a clean break. Or maybe they feel really guilty about something and don't know how to tell you, so they just ignore you. This can become a vicious cycle, where the more they ignore you the more guilty they feel, and the less they want to contact you, etc...

I think an interested thread to contrast to your question is the one on ending friendships:
Ending friendships

Sometimes people just change, and maybe they can't relate anymore. People are never the same, and you should not blame yourself.

Also have a sense of abundance about the relationships you do have. If you come across as needy, people are less apt to want to hang out with you again. Think if you ever had a friend who seemed needy. So the best thing to do now is focus on the good relationships you have, and I bet you that this person will contact you. Don't be angry when they do, as anger will only hurt the both of you. Instead, talk about the good times you had, and all the things you have done in your life.

Become a person who is happy alone or with people, who doesn't really need anyone, and I assure you people will start to contact you all the time. I am not saying to be unfriendly, in fact, be more friendly, and confident about who you are and the relationships you have. I know it isn't easy, I struggle with it everyday, but it can be done, and I think one feels better for it. If you think about it, you focus on this friend because they ignore you, and they might only be ignoring you because you focus so much on them. Switch these two things, and everything should be fine. Good luck!

[Matthew Shea]

Written communication can take a lot of your time away. Much more so than a phone call. I understand if she doesn't have the time to respond to a long e-mail. And she could have always written a short answer to a longer e-mail.

I wouldn't bother e-mailing. I'd call.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

I wouldn't bother e-mailing. I'd call.

Me, too. Also I would focus on the "I miss you, and I'm here for you when you are ready" (giving) approach, as opposed to the "you don't call, you don't write, don't you want to be my friend anymore?" (taking) approach.

[Sanity Panda]

Thank you for taking time to read & giving advice, I really do appreciate it.

I've kept silent about the whole issue for a while now, believing and trusting that this lack of contact is only a temporary thing that will only last a short period of time. I'd be happy if I knew we weren't drifting apart.

However like some of you mentioned... The logical side of me is finding it difficult to believe that one of my closest friends can't find any single time for a reply at all. I know that their priorities have changed in regards to our friendships (they don't see me as a romantic interest anymore) so they probably won't contact me as much. But not a single reply at all when I've sent over three e-mails...?

It's actually rather sad that I'm so dependant on this one person, since I whole heartedly agree that one should be able to find happiness within themselves.

Originally Posted by Boreas

So the best thing to do now is focus on the good relationships you have, and I bet you that this person will contact you. Don't be angry when they do, as anger will only hurt the both of you. Instead, talk about the good times you had, and all the things you have done in your life.

Originally Posted by Angela

Me, too. Also I would focus on the "I miss you, and I'm here for you when you are ready" (giving) approach, as opposed to the "you don't call, you don't write, don't you want to be my friend anymore?" (taking) approach.

I'm really interested in whether I should just continue living my life like above, or letting them know that I'm there for them.

As I was considering if I should bring the issue up with them but the way Angela described it... It sounds as If I'm more likely to push someone away. Is it really that bad though, I thought that this method (honest talking) would work most of the time...