What Do You Say To Something Like This?!?!?! (when A Complete Stranger Insults You)

[VetTechJess]

I have had it with people. In this case atleast. It happened this morning. (september 2, 2007). I was sitting in a restaurant with my boyfriend and our breakfast had just been served. I had ordered a bowl of grits, two fried eggs sunny side up, one hotcake and two slices of bacon. I was hungry.

Anyways to explain a little more about myself. I am 5 foot 3 and around 112lbs. I AM GENETICALLY SMALL my grandmother is only 4 foot 11 and 80 lbs, and I get my smallness (not in stature, but in weight) from that. I eat like theres no tomorrow, love the feeling of being full, and would rather be beat than starve myself or make myself purge...(I have never made myself throw up or anything, I honestly dont know how to and dont care to know how to believe it or not...)

People think it would be grand if they were smaller but the fact of the matter is, its more of a curse than a blessing, and the following scenario that happened this morning explains exactly why:

There I was about to dig into my meal when this gray haired woman walked up (I say gray haired so you would know about how old she is) and told my boyfriend: "shes not gonna eat all that is she? she looks like she doesnt eat anything hardly at all." then she walked away.

It has been a raw nerve for me, and when its hit, it hurts alot. I have had everything from my mother calling me anorexic to my grandmother announcing one time when I was minding my own business eating my dinner the phrase "everybody notice that even jessica is eating!"

so this is nothing new to me. I bite my tongue when it happens so that I will appear to be the adult in the situation, but there has to be something adult I can say as well to make them realize what they are saying is lack of manners and rude and hurtful. Although I would by first impulse rather smack said accusers a good one upside the head.....but law of this country has it to where I cannot....

ANY ADVICE?!?! I HAVE TRIED IGNORING IT BUT IT JUST DOESNT GO AWAY!!!

[Dan.Linehan]

Sounds like she was just making a joke / smalltalk / being friendly to me..

- A skinny guy.

[lizthefair]

This probably doesn't help, but many people are just oblivious--if anything she probably thought she was being nice. What's weird to me is she addressed your boyfriend as if he were the one in charge of your food.

If you can do so without feeling uncomfortable I'd say it's appropriate to respond in a way that makes it clear that a line has been crossed without being overly rude yourself. Something like--"This is a regular breakfast for me, what did you eat?" When invasive questions are turned around on people they sometimes realize that they've been rude and then back off.

Sometimes they just walk off in a huff thinking you are the rude one. But in either case, they leave you alone!

[NotesMaeve]

5' 3" and 112 is small?

Calculate your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator

Your BMI is smack dab in the middle of normal.

You're a very average, healthy weight. I'm not sure why you're getting accused of being deathly thin? I'd point this out if someone started in on that, nicely, that you are in the middle of the ideal weight range.

Now, I can tell you what *I* do, as a thin person who's 5' 8" and 106 lbs. When someone says, "You're so thin; you must have an eating disorder!" I smile and say, "Actually, since I follow a vegetarian diet and have an active lifestyle and genetics, it's very easy to stay thin." If they start on how I should gain weight, then I'll usually explain how it's easier for me to bike faster with less weight/wind resistance, and all there is to life is speed, baby.

Sure, I'm thin, but clothes fit great and I'm healthy. What do I care what others think?

And being thin is a power trip. I love it.

[Shamou]

“A woman can't be too rich or too thin.”
-- Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor

VetTechJess! You are blessed... don't spit on it...

.

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by Shamou

“A woman can't be too rich or too thin.”
-- Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor

VetTechJess! You are blessed... don't spit on it...

.

Oh Im not trying to I just wish I could keep others from spitting on it by their rude comments...

any ideas?

[dennis08]

I would have turned over the table and walked out.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by dennis08

I would have turned over the table and walked out.

And if I had been in that restaurant, I would have told you to get your butt back in there and clean up that mess.

I don't have a problem with people noticing me. My whole life I've resembled a vampire. I have dark, full lips, pale skin, and dark hair. People notice. I've had people ask me if I'm ill, if I have a disorder, but I've also gotten lovely compliments.

Most people are well-intentioned. They make up about 99.5% and are saying whatever they have to say because they are curious or concerned. Well-intentioned people should be treated with kindness and respectfully educated. "No, I'm healthy and love my food. I just have hollow legs and love to cycle! But thank you for your concern!"

The other .5%? They're just jealous because you have something they'd kill a kitten to have. I just laugh at them.

[Lychee]

Learn not to care. It's some stranger who won't make any difference to your life in the future.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

And being thin is a power trip. I love it.

As it should be...

If you love the way you look, it glows, shines through and becomes a charismatic magnet...

There is nothing as appealing as a woman who is sure of herself... grrrrr... so sexy...
.

[Brutha]

Being male myself and having less weight than you and having a average male height, I would have simply ignored the woman and had maybe laught.

You seem to have a problem with your own self image.

[Christian223]

Really try to use EFT to get rid of those limiting beliefs you have, wich cause those ugly feelings you are trying to get rid of.
Try to use phrases like "even though my mother thought i was anorexic, i deeply and completelly accept myself" while yo do EFT, and the problem will go away, try Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique for some free videos to get started quick, remember to focus on the feeling, this is the important part, also try the link at my sig. (it looks very ridiculous, but i have been using it and it simply works, the bad feeling will go away, guaranteed).
Good luck!.

[Chado2423]

As said before some people are oblivious...

But think about this in terms of thoughts and beliefs... If you've read any of the intention articles you should be aware that in a way your thoughts create situations like this...

Obviously you are concerned about how thin you are... this concern of being thin is attributable to what you say is a curse rather than a blessing. Therefore when someone comments on your appearance, whether or not it was intentionally offensive makes no difference, because you have already pre-supposed that any comment about that particular aspect of yourself would be hurtful. I know that's alot and probably doesn't sound very empathetic, but it is the greater reality of dealing with our thoughts and beliefs, developing that awareness that matters. If instead you were happy or happier, or content with being thin, you may not have been hurt by this comment, but rather laughed it off, and taken it less personally. Or supposing you didn't care what anyone thought about your weight, you'd have brushed off such a comment, or even better never attracted it into your life in the first place. I once heard a saying that states "We are only offended by the comments we want to be offended by." When I first heard that I wanted to puke. But I really though about it, and now I see how true it is. Don't judge yourself for how thin you are, and less people will judge you for it too, or at the very least you won't be as hurt by it when they do.

This is my personal advice, which may or may not be helpful, take what parts of it help you in your life, and disregard the rest.

--Chad[/QUOTE]

btw, I don't suggest EFT like the person above me does... instead I'd suggest you'd try to weigh the issue using intellect and mental questions and answers to redevelop a new thought pattern, to rekindle feelings of self worth from within, WITHOUT having to rely on any external technique. But that's just my suggestion.

[Michael Chui]

You were quite adult. That wasn't a comment that needed to be responded to, so you didn't.

Two sentences were made:

1) A remark of disbelief, and
2) A short explanation.

The only possible response would be to dispel the disbelief. What would be the point of that? No matter her intent, she would have stayed if her disbelief was meaningful. She didn't, so there was no reason to convince her that she was wrong.

I'd suggest trying to learn to evaluate comments like I just did. Hear it, skip a beat, think about what they said, decide if it needs to be answered, and if it does, then do so. If it doesn't, then offer a smile: smiles are good for people.

[Susie]

Jess,
That wasn't an insult, she was obviously complimenting you on your fast metabolism. You need to work on removing that chip on your shoulder!

P.S. I think the table flipping comment was a joke!

[JCP]

I am sure it was a silly joke..... Your reading into it waaaay to much........OLD people say silly stuff. I could tell you some storys about my 98 year old granny.

[JimOfferman]

I agree with what the rest are saying... just let it slide!

At 176cm and weighing only 55kg, I'm thin to the point of being considered underweight by even the most conservative of BMI calculators. Heck, if I'd be any lighter I probably couldn't be allowed to go outside for risk of being carried off by the next breeze...

I've sure had my fair share of weight-related remarks thrown at me, but none of them are worse than the jokes I myself make about my weight...

Just laugh it off - and be grateful that you can munch down a huge breakfast without the worry of gaining a few pounds in the process.

Jim.

[Nelson]

You could always insult her in return.

Hit 'em where it hurts, be sinsiter and ruthless - for an old person you might use: "Oh I'm sorry miss, I was just trying to enjoy a nice meal so I don't live a cold life full of haunting regret, where dreams of a what could have been follow me to a shallow grave."

Or you could try to intimidate her - "I don't normally eat this much, but I just got out of prison...for beating the sh*t out of a 93 year old woman for commenting on my weight."

Anyways, you get the general idea. Basically, if you think anyone is trying to give you attitude then just become a nasty, vicous, cold hearted b*tch. It can be a very satisfying approach.

[Angela]

It's interesting that so many folks are advising Jess to let it slide, don't let it bother you, buck up, etc..... As most of you know, when something really pushes your buttons, things don't slide off, they stick! You can pretend to shrug it off, but you're really just pushing your resentment, etc. deeper into yourself where it will fester and implode again stronger next time.

I think when you're really bugged by something, it is a little gift from the cosmos -- a special neon sign that is pointing to something in yourself that, if you look boldly at it and take inspired action, it can lead you to the next big step in your life. Things that bug you can show you a way of being that is holding you back or getting in the way of your getting what you want. And -- the act of confronting them and taking 100% responsibility for them is the pathway to paradise.

Jess, if you were to look at all the things that bug you, little things, big things, and pay attention to why they bug you -- what way of being it triggers inside you -- you would be free to see that that triggered way of being is habitual. Once you look boldly in the face of how you habitually Be, then you can choose something that works better. But as long as you (anyone) remains unconscious about how they're being, they're kind of stuck being that way! You know how it's so easy to see when someone's being a butthead, and when you tell them they're being a butthead, they get all confused and resistant? It's difficult to look at one's self, easy to see it in others.

Not that you're being a butthead! I'm just suggesting you look closely at HOW YOU ARE BEING when your button gets pushed. I don't know what it is for you, but it sounds like maybe you're reminded of a childhood feeling and are reliving it: worthless, maybe? Did you often find yourself defending yourself when you were little? Whatever it is, examine it, and see if it works for the life you want to live, and generate something new that gets you where you want to go.

These tiny little annoying signposts can be huge billboards pointing you to a life you love.

Best wishes.

[JCP]

Yep, I couldn't have said it any better..... Internal emotions are like the engine in our car... When the red light goes on you can either pay attention to the signal, or ignore the check engine light and run out of oil and blow up your car...........

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by JCP

Yep, I couldn't have said it any better..... Internal emotions are like the engine in our car... When the red light goes on you can either pay attention to the signal, or ignore the check engine light and run out of oil and blow up your car...........

you saying that happened to you....?

[JCP]

Yeh I blew someone up before... hahah I might have diced and sliced someone up before with my tonge.... It was an allegory... No, something I learned thru 4 years of therapy though... I do have the oil chaged when red light goes on though.... hahah But I know you were joking. Weren't you? hahah

[Lychee]

The engine is not the only thing in our system. We also have a brain. It's not about ignoring, it's about control. Controlling yourself and reflecting on internal emotional responses are a mature way of evaluating a problem.

If a boss critiques you and you become angry by the "insult", it makes sense to keep quiet and not act on your impulse. Think back and try to understand why you had that particular emotional reaction. Use your reason to see if the emotion is justified. If it is, then there really is no problem and you need to learn how to express that emotion constructively. If it is not justified, correct it. Emotions are a tool, we are the handler.

[Bitsy]

The lady and those people are not insulting you. I believe it only has to do with your perception and opinion of yourself.

I am 5 ft (153 cm) and 110-115 lbs (50-54 kg) and all my life people have said similar things to me, especially my older relatives. I can't imagine it ever bothering me. Why? I like it. Or at least I don't mind being told I eat like a bird or that I eat slowly or that I am "small." (Despite my height-weight proportion, I am small--it's a question of where you carry your weight.) I like being this way. You must not like being the way you are and when people highlight it, you get offended and upset.

[Chinese Dragon]

Just decide it's not worth your time thinking about. When someone says something insulting to me I just say "whatever" and they never do it again. I don't care what others think about me.