Advice about a friendship gone haywire

[bluskygirl]

OK, bear with me, I know this is long. I have a friend who is one of my closest friends; we spend a lot of time together. He's a wonderful man. Sweet, caring, honest, etc. After being so close to him for a few years, I began to develop feelings for him. They weren't fully developed but I opted to jump on it and I told him. I had known for almost a year that he had feelings for me, so I was expecting him to be excited- and he was. We "dated" for a week. During that week, he suddenly became a different person. He was unsure of himself, he seemed to need to be with me or around me every moment possible, kept telling me how much he needed me... the best way I can say this is he was exactly like the girl who says "I love you" on the first date and is talking marriage and babies by the second.

He's 8 years younger than I am (I'm 32, he's 24), and I knew that had a lot to do with what I was seeing. He is still in a place where he is looking for approval of a significant other to define him, to determine his worth. I am not there any more, and I know that a relationship that bears the burden of a person's self-worth cannot succeed.

After a week I ended things, and I was 100% truthful about why. He surprisingly agreed with me. He said he knew that he needed those things but didn't know how to NOT need it. I explained that I was not willing to put our friendship at risk for a relationship that already had too many red flags and I wanted to just be friends again. He said that was fine, and he understood.

Sooooo, that was about 5 months ago. Instead of my old friend, he has been moody, sensitive, easily upset (for example, if I don't call him), worried if I'm angry or if he's done something wrong, and perpetually courting me, as if he can somehow change my mind. It has gotten to the point that I am so uncomfortable that I don't want to be around him. I worry about what I say, do and wear because I fear that I might give him the wrong message or mislead him in some way.

I told him all of this a few days ago and his response was that he knew he was doing these things and needed to talk to me more about his feelings. The problem for me is I am so fried from the past 5 months that I don't want to talk about it anymore. It seems like all I've done is try to manage his feelings that I just don't know how to show compassion and patience anymore. How do I move beyond the discomfort to help him?

Do you think it's possible for two people to get past this? Do you think that our friendship can ever be normal again? My sister insists that men and women can't have truly platonic relationships and after this I'm starting to wonder if she's right. I see only things on his end, in the sense of him needing to let go and move on with his love life in another direction. How can I help this process move forward? Is there anything that you think I can do to resolve this?

[Christian223]

I have an idea, it might not be a good idea but maye you can get something out of it, you should tell him that he should think on getting another girlfriend, tell him that he should move on, grow up to be a good man, and direct him to the pickup community where he could learn a few things about girls and dating and that should help him to overcome it, a nice site would be Fast Seduction 101: Art of Pick-up and Seduction there is a guide there and community, attention, im not suggesting that you tell him to become a "pickup artist", or a Don Juan, im just saying that it would be good if he could learn a thing or two about himself and dating/relationships.

Good luck.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by bluskygirl

How do I move beyond the discomfort to help him?

I don't think that once you have become lovers with a friend and stepped beyond the boundaries of friendship that it is possible to go back and just be good friends again...

You both shared something... you both did it willingly... no one owes anyone anything... what is left for you to do... is to explain to that person that he... and he alone... can find his own path... and that you staying close to him would not be doing him a service... but that it would actually complicate matters for him...

I do wish you the very best of luck... and congratulate you on being so sensitive on that issue...
.

[bluskygirl]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I guess I think you're right, in that we cannot have a friendship that will function in a balanced way now that things have gone past that. I've suggested we take a break. I apparently needed the space more than I realized because I feel much better already.

Thanks again,
Angeleen

[alexinspire]

Dear Bluskygirl,

I was the same like him before. Do you know why?

I think man who have less relatiuonship are like that. I have the same case as you but I'm slightly younger.

Many months ago, I broke up with my ex. When we are in relationship, I also message her or everyday tell her how much I need her or how much I love her. It's actually normal for guys who have less relationship experience. Here's my point of view about him:

1. When he try to tell you how much he needs you and love you all in a sudden, he is a family man. He put high priority on love and relationships. He don't know he is annoying you but he is express his love to you. He might just be young and less experience.

2. When he talk about the future like marriage or kids this kind of stuff, tell him straight that you are not looking that far and you want to just be with him at this moment. He will know what to do instead of trying harder.

3. When he became a friend of yours, he will still think that there's a high chance to be with you again. That's why he is so concern and sensitive about you.

This is a good man you can choose to be with. If you are looking for a short term relationship, he will not suits you. But if you are looking for a father, he will be the best choice.

He will make sure he take care of you and the family fully. He'll rush home after work and spend all the time he can to be with you. The most important thing is you need to start accept his weird being.

[Dharma]

To deal with this you're going to have to look at yourself. And it seems there's been 5 months of blaming life on the other guy and no self-inquiry into how you fit into this experience. What are you trying to tell yourself about you under that victimization you're feeling?

If you want a clearer picture of what is up inside you, look at him as a mirror of yourself. You probably don't want to go there, but it's where you'll find your answers.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Dharma

To deal with this you're going to have to look at yourself. And it seems there's been 5 months of blaming life on the other guy and no self-inquiry into how you fit into this experience. What are you trying to tell yourself about you under that victimization you're feeling?

If you want a clearer picture of what is up inside you, look at him as a mirror of yourself. You probably don't want to go there, but it's where you'll find your answers.

I think that your views are more biographical than anything else...

The relationship is no longer nourishing for bluskygirl and she decided to put an end to it... what's wrong with that...??? And, why should she feel guilty about it...???
.

[Dharma]

I never said she has to feel guilt.

"I wanted to just be friends again." <--- the tone of her first post was of making a course correction, not severing ties. My answer is following that post. To keep the friendship and make it nurturing again she needs to look at herself and not the mirror.

Yeah ending the relationship is fine. But if I spent 5 months being uncomfortable I'd want to get something out of it. Maybe she wants to dig a little deeper. Maybe she'll tell me to go away.

[Magnatolia]

Personally I think the OP is being a little bit harsh. You should really look at it from his point of view. Okay so he has a problem of being too 'sensitive' when in a relationship.

Do you really think breaking up with him after a week was the answer? You should have sat him down and discussed these issues with him. Told him what he was doing wrong, and offered advice. As the other poster said, he probably doesn't have a lot of dating experience and was over-the-top to compensate.

Now the problems with the last 5 months aren't that strange. He's confused - he likes you as a dating partner, but also as a friend. And, as you were the one that dumped him, he is most likely scared that he's going to lose you as a friend, which is why he gets upset easily. He thinks that if you don't call him then he must have done something wrong.

That's why, before you dated, he was comfortable and happy. Now he's afraid that the friendship will fall apart.

And I disagree with your sisters thoughts on guy/girl friendships. I have a few female friends that I'm attracted to. It only becomes a problem for me if I've been dating the girl (developed an emotional connection).

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by bluskygirl

OK, bear with me, I know this is long. I have a friend who is one of my closest friends; we spend a lot of time together. He's a wonderful man. Sweet, caring, honest, etc. After being so close to him for a few years, I began to develop feelings for him. They weren't fully developed but I opted to jump on it and I told him. I had known for almost a year that he had feelings for me, so I was expecting him to be excited- and he was. We "dated" for a week. During that week, he suddenly became a different person. He was unsure of himself, he seemed to need to be with me or around me every moment possible, kept telling me how much he needed me... the best way I can say this is he was exactly like the girl who says "I love you" on the first date and is talking marriage and babies by the second.

He's 8 years younger than I am (I'm 32, he's 24), and I knew that had a lot to do with what I was seeing. He is still in a place where he is looking for approval of a significant other to define him, to determine his worth. I am not there any more, and I know that a relationship that bears the burden of a person's self-worth cannot succeed.

After a week I ended things, and I was 100% truthful about why. He surprisingly agreed with me. He said he knew that he needed those things but didn't know how to NOT need it. I explained that I was not willing to put our friendship at risk for a relationship that already had too many red flags and I wanted to just be friends again. He said that was fine, and he understood.

Sooooo, that was about 5 months ago. Instead of my old friend, he has been moody, sensitive, easily upset (for example, if I don't call him), worried if I'm angry or if he's done something wrong, and perpetually courting me, as if he can somehow change my mind. It has gotten to the point that I am so uncomfortable that I don't want to be around him. I worry about what I say, do and wear because I fear that I might give him the wrong message or mislead him in some way.

I told him all of this a few days ago and his response was that he knew he was doing these things and needed to talk to me more about his feelings. The problem for me is I am so fried from the past 5 months that I don't want to talk about it anymore. It seems like all I've done is try to manage his feelings that I just don't know how to show compassion and patience anymore. How do I move beyond the discomfort to help him?

Do you think it's possible for two people to get past this? Do you think that our friendship can ever be normal again? My sister insists that men and women can't have truly platonic relationships and after this I'm starting to wonder if she's right. I see only things on his end, in the sense of him needing to let go and move on with his love life in another direction. How can I help this process move forward? Is there anything that you think I can do to resolve this?

Be totally honest about what you want with him.

When you love someone, and they don't return that, it's painful. You have to respect that. I'm not quite in his position, but I understand. Slamhot asked me to not shut the door, but to take it slow on him because he doesn't believe I can manage the ramifications of his disease and doesn't want another heartbreak. And while I know me, I understand his doubts. I don't lie and obscure my feelings: If his divorce was finalized tomorrow and he said, "Let's get tickets to Vegas and marry," I'd entertain it.

Another thing: It's not bad or wrong to fall in love quickly. Slamhot said he loved me on our third date and I returned the sentiment without batting an eye. Just because you didn't return those feelings does not make them bad or make them less true. And that's not exclusively true of young people wanting an S/O to define them. Some of us have quite strong identities.

I've broken up with one person, to date, and remained his friend. The relationship was technically the longest I've had, and we knew it could not last. Almost 2 years, and it was rife with scandal. Now we can laugh about it, but when he ended it, I was hurt. I'd say it took me six months.