Was I dumb in these situations? Analizing past social encounters...

[SuperDuperDude]

I have social phobia, and I have a way of thinking about past things i've said, and wondering if it was dumb or offensive or something.

So, I was wondering if you guys could help me determine if I was dumb:

First situation: I was about 18 or 19... I was at a doctors office... well, more like an orthodontist... I was seeing a lot of different dentists to determine if a government organization would pay for my braces.

One of the dentist came in and asked me "Why are you here?".... to this I was speechless... I didn't know what to say, I turned to my Mom... and after a brief moment of silence she started to answer for me... she said something like "he needs to.." then the dentist interrupted with "He NEEDs to talk" I was so embarrassed

What he was doing was seeing if I had a speech problem, by getting me to talk....


Second situation: My sister brought a friend over. I came downstairs to do something... then I stopped at the bottom of the stairs to say something to my sister... before I turned to go back upstairs, I said to the guy "hey man"... you know, just to say hello.... he didn't reply.. or maybe he did and I didn't here him....

After that I got to thinking about if it was dumb to say "Hey, man"....

Am I being to hard on myself or did I really act weird in these situations?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by SuperDuperDude

Am I being to hard on myself or did I really act weird in these situations?

I think that's what is called being "inhibited" or shy... a very common occurrence... most of us have been the subject of it...

My advice to you would be to get the book, "How to Win Friend and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie... It sound corny I know... but in it you will find some invaluable suggestion on how to deal with people... so, next time one to those situation comes up... you'll have some reference points to guide you...

The very best of luck to you...
.

[emeraldbaby]

Hi there,

I'd say you're a bit too hard on yourself. "Hey man" sounds like a perfectly fine greeting to me. Maybe the guy nodded and you didn't see him. As for being silent at the dentist, perhaps you felt you were put on the spot? I don't have social phobia but I can imagine being put off and perhaps a bit silent if i get a very abrupt question. I don't think what you did was dumb or weird at all.


Half the time, we carry the things we did and said with us for a long time, when the person we interacted with (dentist, sister's friend) have forgotten all about it already.

The important thing I can see is that you did not have bad intentions in these situations, in fact you tried to be friendly. What other people do in response is their responsibility. If they are mean, unfriendly, indifferent etc, those things reflect their inner state, not you as a person.

anyway, all the best to you :-)

[SweetMelissa]

I think you're being too hard on yourself. I know lots of people second guess themselves the same way you've described, but it's really not healthy to obsess over encounters like that. That worrying just exacerbates your issues in my opinion. Just try to relax and be able to laugh at yourself when you're flustered.

[Freelancer]

Let me break this down for you;
It is absolutely redicilous that you are still thinking about these occurences to this day. I probably make more stupid blunders in social interactions on a DAILY basis (mostly regained by 'oh crap thats not what I meant' lol) than those two...



Its interesting but the more comfortable you are the more comfortable other people will feel. Also interesting that if you say something dumb but pay no real attention to it yourself (just keep talking or ask a question or something) than nobody will think twice about it. The moment you start apologizing or internally worrying about what you said is the moment other people will pick up on it. What you think about yourself is reflected in the behavior of the people you interact with on a daily basis. You feel uneasy, they feel uneasy, you feel anxious, they feel anxious etc.

I understand this is NOT an easy thing to change at all, hell I'm not even there yet (its a journey and although I'm moving forward rapidly now there is never a end), but in this society you almost have to be comfortable interacting with people to be able to function properly.

Also forget about social phobia, don't put a label on yourself that limits you in any way. Social phobia is simply thinking habits that you can change, its not a disease thats untreatable. Even if you DO have it you should still forget about it, if you HAVE a disease than you automatically feel that you cant change the situation even though improvements are always possible. So stop putting a self depreciating label on yourself...




Ps. I might sound a bit harsh but its all in good spirit to help you, I've come from a similar place (although probably not as bad) so I know where I'm coming from...

[Matthew Shea]

SuperDuperDude, I've done awkward things too that stand out in my mind for whatever reason. If you sit there and analyze them over and over in your head, all you'll do is continue to beat yourself up. The best thing to do is come to terms with the fact that, like everyone else, you've made mistakes in the past and will do so again in the future. Despite that, though, you have no reason to be hard on yourself because you're no different than anyone else and in the big scheme of things, little incidents like that mean almost nothing.

In my opinion, you're engaging in depressive thinking. I fall into the same trap, especially when I'm overtired. It's really best not to beat yourself up. Move on and do your best, knowing that whatever happens, everything will still turn out the way it's supposed to.

[Christian223]

Hi SuperDuperDude, i had to reply to this because i had/have the same problem, although i overcoming very rapidly with the help of EFT (link at my sig), visit also Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique for some free videos to get started quick, i looks ridiculous, but it really works, what it will do for you is that it will set yourself free of those limiting beliefs that make you feel anxious in social situations, it did wonders for me, and it will do that for you to if you get doing it, i strongly recommend it to you, it will change your life.

But i belive that is only half of the battle, you still need to learn a few things, the book that Shamou recommended is awesome, i recommend it to you too, also try searching for more info about social skills, or charisma, that will help you learn those skills that you havent learned from lack of practice.

You know, what you say about the dentist is pretty similar to something i had lived, i went to see my psycologist to thank her for the help she gave me for overcoming my school problems with study and socializing, and i went with my mother, when we arrived my psycologist started to talk to me and my mother replied for me, and my psycologist told my mother that she needed to let me do the talking... it doesnt matter the causes of why we arrive at beign social phobic, the important thing is that we can do something to overcome it.

Something called "affirmations" also helped me. Before i got into Affirmations i also changed my mind about feeling dumb, so instead of beign worried about looking dumb, i accepted it, i embraced it, so no matter what i did i allways assumed that i was allready making the ridicule of myself, this helped me to see my clumsyness in a very relaxed and worry-free way, and it had the effect that i started to see and also accept the imperfections and clumsyness and dumbness in others, wich made me feel more comfortable and confident. I also heard this way of thinking no so long ago in a TV show... weird...

I have come a long way with the help of EFT, thats the most powerfull thing i encountered, but even if i have still a little of fear left, i am still pretty stupid in social situations, for example just a few minutes ago i had to open the door to the girl who cleans my house, and she said "oh the climate is so hot!" (something like that) and since im so retarded the only thing that went through my mind was "yeah?"... and then awkard silence... the good thing is that i dont worry about this anymore, i find it funny now, but it also means i have to learn some skills, because all this years of not socializing made me stay at the conversational level of a 5 year old , but i can overcome, i have no doubts.

Good luck, dont forget to try EFT, it will change your life.