Dad, can I watch TV?

[joelyle]

hi,

I am on the verge of discontinuing cable TV. Perhaps I am taking the easy way out? I believe my 10-year old is addicted to TV. When she is with her mom: she has a TV in her room. I am told she doesn't watch much TV, there. When she is with me: her first action is to ask if she can watch TV. I have asked her to wait, generally about one hour and to mute the commercials. I have encouraged her to reduce her time also. As much as I encourage selecting something of educational value: her default is "cotton candy" such as Sponge Bob; I have tried to explain that she CAN watch TV but it's not good to do too much or to make it the first thing to do in the morning. The easy thing to do would be to pull the plug, (cable) so to speak. I realize that many of us could state the benefits of no TV...what's the benefit of allowing a limited amount? It's not easy to relate the downside of too much TV watching to her mom (especially allowing the viewing of content which feeds fear..the news, etc).

[NotesMaeve]

It's relaxing.

Same benefit of any delicious treat. It's relaxing and fun. I think we should learn to balance vices rather than deprive ourselves. Life's more fun that way.

I love:

Television

Alcohol

Movies

But I don't even indulge in these things once a week.

My life is very full without them. So maybe your daughter just needs more passions in her life? What does she love? What would she like to pursue? Art? Crafts? Cooking?

[Ree]

My children are now grown, but when they were small, I had a neighbor who made a practice of limiting TV time and Nintendo time for her own children. The result was that watching TV and playing video games became incredibly attractive to her children and they constantly came to my house to sneak and watch TV or they would show up with Nintendo game cartridges stuffed down their pants to sneak and play Nintendo on my children's game system.

Rather than just saying no to TV, I always tried to suggest other activities such as "let's make slime" or "let's go skate boarding" or "I'll pitch the ball to you and you be the batter." I used to let them pull every single blanket and pillow we owned into the playroom to build forts with. Once we found a pile of huge cardboard boxes behind the grocery store and we hauled them home and spent days making a geodesic dome using the cardboard and a hot glue gun. They put glow in the dark stars all over the inside and it was their favorite place for months! Most importantly we did things together and we got fresh air and exercise. Believe me, back in those days I slept like a baby every night and so did they! We scheduled TV time just before their bath time which consisted of a couple hours of shows that I knew were kid-friendly and we all watched together.

Things have changed a lot in the last 20 years and I know it's not as simple as it used to be, but if you use your imagination and put a lot of energy into it, you can solve the TV dilemma and it WILL pay off big time. These days, one of my sons NEVER watches TV (he's 24) and the other (21) only watches sports. It's definitely worth it.

[NotesMaeve]

Ree, that's a brilliant point. My mom was the same way with television and video games. Gave us other stuff to do, but television was always there. I haven't turned the TV on since Sunday. I get the urge to play video games about every three months.

[joelyle]

thanks for the feedback; her passions are school (on the weekends her passions seem to be Nintendo DS, TV, shopping, ice cream, Corbin Blue, High School musical 2, sleeping in...) We do make a habit of getting exercise together and visiting the library.

She (and her sister, age 12) are independent; but if I turn my back: instead of two scoops of ice cream she polishing off the 2nd half of carton... it's the obsession with TV that I wonder about...

[NotesMaeve]

Oi. Joe, I'm sorry. That just slammed on my heart pretty hard, dude.

It sounds like she's trying to unplug from reality and stuff her emotions with food. I just kind of get the idea she's depressed. Seriously, what's going on with her? Will she talk to you? (I could be overreacting, but being a depressed kid at that age, it just all sounds so familiar.)

[lizthefair]

I would agree that straight out forbidding it--or making it hard to access is at best a crap shoot.

When I was growing up we had to earn TV time--for every minute we practiced the piano, did chores, etc. we would earn 1 minute of TV time.

It did help us think about what we really wanted to watch and what wasn't really worth it, but in the end the three of us ended up all over the spectrum as TV watchers, so I'd say it didn't have much of a long term impact.

The idea of having other things to do is a good one--learning to self-regulate is also really important, so if there were a way you could help her decide for herself how to balance TV with other stuff, that would be ideal........

[Lola]

Hi Joe - I had two step-daughters that lived primarily with their mom. My experience with raising kids who split time between households prompts me to ask how much time do your daughters spend at your house compared to mom's? Sometimes it's hard on kids to make that transition, even more so if they view one place as their real house and the other as a place they visit.

If she spends less time with you and/or your place is new(er) to her (total assumptions on my part) you might also want to consider if she's using excessive TV viewing as a form of withdrawal? Perhaps she's just not in her comfort zone yet? Does she have a space at your place that's just hers? And not to suggest we have to endlessly entertain our kids, but does she have things to do with dad/at dad's house that are special and unique to that relationship and place?

Ree made excellent suggestions. When we give our kids active alternatives to TV (and when we participate in those activities with them), TV usually is not so alluring. Other than that, I agree with others who said the total ban idea probably wouldn't have the desired long-term effects.

Good luck! You sound like an observant, caring dad who's engaged with his kids. I'm sure you'll come up with a plan.

[joelyle]

hi,

This situation is not as desperate as perhaps it sounds.
My daughters are with me 20% of the time. They are great/well-rounded. As we can all appreciate: whatever state of well-being they are in: we want them to be the best they can be (this is what we want for ourselves..that's why we are here/in this forum, pursuing lives with purpose and intention.
They (my girls) are not overweight. As a child: I was allowed to do whatever I wanted: watch TV endlessly, wake up whenever I wanted, not brush my teeth, believe whatever I wanted to believe; I am trying to teach my daughters to lead a conscious life. It requires more attention on my part as their mom is not "in the same place" I am regarding consciousness/purpose. This is a testament to the purpose I have in my life (not meant to be a knock on their mom). I don't see my girls as being depressed; more that they need some direction. I am doing a good job. I intend for them to be aware child/adults. I used TV as a way to escape reality. Having become aware of this: I cut way down on my viewing and am very particular about what I watch (accept). It seems we can get education/entertainment from videos/books/internet...what is the attraction of having commercial TV? Mostly I would like to help my daughters with addictions (though they can not see them as such).

[Brutha]

Hi Joe - I had two step-daughters that lived primarily with their mom. My experience with raising kids who split time between households prompts me to ask how much time do your daughters spend at your house compared to mom's? Sometimes it's hard on kids to make that transition, even more so if they view one place as their real house and the other as a place they visit.

I don't think that the amount of time I'm at one place make that place a "visit".
When I switched from being 85% at my mom and 15% at my dad to 50%/50% that didn't change the fact that I still identify my mom's place more as my home.

It seems we can get education/entertainment from videos/books/internet...what is the attraction of having commercial TV?

Under children peer pressure is an important factor. In addition watching TV requires very little energy.

How does she spent her time when she is at her mom's place? What prevents her from doing the same things at your place?

Does she has something to read when she is at your place?

How about encouraging her to adopt a new hobby?

[joelyle]

Originally Posted by Brutha

How does she spent her time when she is at her mom's place? What prevents her from doing the same things at your place?

Does she has something to read when she is at your place?

How about encouraging her to adopt a new hobby?

Good Morning,
When I call to speak with her, she is usually watching TV (this would be about 9 PM). My interest is not so much the amount of TV/video game playing but how it is automatic for her. How it is the first thought she has when she wakes up. We do interact through playing games, exercising at the park, reading at the library. She has several books to read (she loves to read). I like the idea of creating a new hobby... thanks

[Brutha]

If I understand right she is with you at the weekends?

How about suggesting her to go to the baker after she awakes and buy fresh biscuit for your breakfast?
You should sell it to her as giving her more responsibilty.

A lot of people have a default way to fill time when they are bored, but that isn't the same things as addiction.
I would say that I have had both things to different times with video games.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Ok when I was younger, I lived and breathed for my TV. I mean I honestly watched it whenever possible...mostly Power Rangers and Wizardora but you know Ahh those where the days...oh and Reboot, Super Human Samurai Syber Squad...damn that was good...alas I go off topic...

My point is, it messed my head up a bit, I became over-weight (Still am over-weight), my social life went to crap and I basically reverted into a fantasy world.

Luckily I am coming out of it, but it was touch and go for a bit.

I also became mildly depressed, nothing serious...

However on the flip-side, I read alot which counter balanced it...and my imagination is mental because of it, I sometimes lie in bed and i can play television episodes throuh my mind that I make up! Its brilliant...

My advice as a victim of televisual ODing, make sure the kids watch either mentally engaging programs, or programs with super-heroes on. Sport is good if they like it. Avoid the news, avoid soaps (urgh) they really do reinforce a negative attitude towards life. In fact avoid programs that present a negative view of modern life.

And get them into reading...start with harry potter and move onto things like terry Goodkind, A series of Unfortunate Events, His Dark Materials...Stuff that is not only fun, but it also engages the brain a bit...

[Zukin]

Like other people have hinted at, the key is getting your daughter so excited about something positive that she is obsessed with it and doesn't want to watch TV because she is devoted to something (or somethings) that are important to her.

[Ree]

Young children love to spend time with their parents. When we suggested an activity with one or both of us, our children NEVER turned us down in favor of watching TV. And we made a point of making it real together time, giving them our full attention. Children know when you're only giving them half your attention or when your mind is really on something else.

Not saying this is your situation, but I've seen families where the TV is the focal point of the household. Not only do they watch it constantly, but children AND parents talk about it all the time as well. We never made it completely forbidden, but we also put it way down on the priority list. TV was that thing you do when there's nothing else to do and you've got 30 minutes to kill, or that one hour a night when your family gathers together to laugh at Inspector Gadget.

I think the suggestion to give your daughter an early morning distraction is an excellent idea. Maybe you could start a new tradition of an early morning walk together or going for the paper and a bagel first thing. Or maybe she'd like to cook breakfast?