What do men want in a relationship?

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Angela

I swear, Lola, you sound so wonderful you make me wish we were both lesbians.

And if you ever worked your magic "silent treatment" on me I would be!


edit: oops - sorry - it's a "technique" not a treatment.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Lola

Being decisive and changing decisions are not mutually exclusive in my mind. I see possessing the flexibility to consider new, enlightening information and altering decisions when necessary as a positive attribute. To refuse to do so, even in the face of irrefutable evidence indicates rigidity and an allegiance to right/wrong thinking. (That and the "will not tolerate" phrase).

I agree. I also disagree.

If new information comes along that sheds light on why a decision can and should be changed, then by all means change it. But to change decisions on a whim based on nothing in particular, well, that's something else entirely, especially when the decision has a bearing on a number of other people.

Originally Posted by Lola

I'm a female anomaly. I hate shopping. But If the woman is financially secure in her own right, what do you care what she does with her money? (Or as the MAN are you claiming the right to be in charge of everyone's money? Hmmm. I don't know many independently financially secure women that will put up with that.)

I care what my partners does with her money just like I expect her to care what I do with mine. Control? No. Joint input on major financial decisions? Yes.

Originally Posted by Lola

Surely you are referring to making personal, individual decisions that affect no one but yourself, right? Not decisions that affect the woman or the two of you as a couple. Right? Surely you don't mean you are the sole decision maker in your relationship with an intelligent, independent woman. Right???

Right. Point is, tears don't work. Want to sway me about a decision? Use facts. I promise to keep an open mind.

Originally Posted by Lola

This sounds like "I've had my say now sit down and shut-up" but maybe I'm putting words in your keyboard.

There comes a time in every argument or discussion when it's all been said and more talk talk talk just means more trouble. It's not "sit down and shaddap" it's more like, "I understand your point. Yelling at me isn't making things any better."

By the way, the lead on this thread is "What do men want in a relationship?", it's not, "Men, put down what you want in a relationship so we can dissect and criticize it."

Yea, maybe my "list" came off as a little harsh; that's my fault, but I'm not going to go back and change it now because that would be dishonest.

[Lynni]

Originally Posted by songwriter

... behave like two equals not like a relationship game with two roles that seem to come from a movie. Like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara or whatever...

I agree, songwriter. But... When a man (around here) is attracted to me I feel like there is an expected approach I'm supposed to take to let him know I reciprocate. Like giggle or bat my eyes or brush up against him suggestively. Which is not me, and I'm not going to do those things. Smiling at him and letting it show that I'm glad to see him and asking interested questions doesn't seem to be enough. Giggle...what am I, a ten-year-old? I think rural areas are infested with immature men. Someone please prove me wrong.

OK, gentlemen, What's the best way a woman has ever announced her interest in you? A way that made you feel appreciated, respected and good about yourself?

Another question for the menfolk - if you're really interested in a woman and not just looking for something easy (I know where you're coming from Isis) you let her know in a direct, respectful way, right? You don't just hint around ambiguously do you?

[ripcurly]

unfortunately i havent the slightest idea of a tried and true method (if there is one), and being straightforward about my feelings and what not dont seem to work. also those who i really care about, i am always afraid to lose the friendship by making a move onher and creeping her out if she isnt into me. a big problem for me is i am only attracted to those i feel strong feelings for, which i equate with love. i dont say love, but i guess my actions may show that. but what am i gonna do? its not needy im gonna die if im not with you love, it is just respect, and well, love. but i cant pervert the moment by acting like its not a big deal. then i find out later that i should have madea move. it is driving me F""""ing crazy.

also it seems like girls act like they only want meaninnngful, loving relationships, and then when i proceed to give them something of the sort, they freak out.

[Amandaaa]

i think a guy wants his girl to be the one who stands by him...who supports him and adores him and admires him.

i've heard that being "independent, but nurturing" is a good mix, too.

(and there are probably a lot of other things... like a girl with a brain, a girl who's attractive, a girl who won't start screwing the pool boy, blah blah bla..)

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Amandaaa

i think a guy wants his girl to be the one who stands by him...who supports him and adores him and admires him.

Yes on the standing by and support - though I feel that should go both ways in a relationship. Adoration and admiration are cool, but only up to a point. If she starts to idolize him, things get kind of out of balance. Maybe some men like their women to be totally dependent on them, but I don't. I prefer women who can mend for themselves.

I like to be able to leave her at home, knowing that both she and the home will still be there and in one piece when I return.

Jim.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Lynni

OK, gentlemen, What's the best way a woman has ever announced her interest in you? A way that made you feel appreciated, respected and good about yourself?

Her telling me she enjoyed my company and always looked forward to spending more time with me. And joking around with me in a flirtatious way. And then turning the flirting up a notch or 7 (which means no, not just giggling and batting her eyes at me). That's an approach which actually led somewhere, and worked out well for both of us, for a while. Though admittedly I told her I was interested in her first.

However the best feeling I've ever had after a woman told me she was interested in me was because of a woman on the other side of the world. She was honest and direct right from the start, both via IM (of course it's very difficult to know if someone is being honest via IM) and on the phone (which makes it easier, but still not as certain as face-to-face). However when she told me she really enjoyed our conversations, felt certain we'd get along great in person too, and wished we lived in the same country, the way she said it left no doubt she meant it.

Originally Posted by Lynni

Another question for the menfolk - if you're really interested in a woman and not just looking for something easy (I know where you're coming from Isis) you let her know in a direct, respectful way, right? You don't just hint around ambiguously do you?

I have, and it worked out well that once. Other successful relationships started through a gradual process of exchanging steadily less ambiguous signals; every other direct, respectful approach has been equally respectfully rejected. And just about every woman I've spoken to has said she feels uncomfortable when a guy tells her he's interested in her without first showing it in some way (or without her being incredibly turned on, which is equally incredibly rare at that point before a relationship has really begun). None the less I will continue to be direct, open, honest, and respectful, because that's what I want not only in a romantic relationship, but in general, from everyone.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

By the way, the lead on this thread is "What do men want in a relationship?", it's not, "Men, put down what you want in a relationship so we can dissect and criticize it."

Oh, not criticizing - just stating (and seeking clarity), again For What It's Worth, that at least one card-carrying certified smart gal noted some incongruent points in your post (as well as in your follow-up but I'll refrain from further dissection).

Originally Posted by Lynni

When a man (around here) is attracted to me I feel like there is an expected approach I'm supposed to take to let him know I reciprocate. Like giggle or bat my eyes or brush up against him suggestively. Which is not me, and I'm not going to do those things. Smiling at him and letting it show that I'm glad to see him and asking interested questions doesn't seem to be enough. Giggle...what am I, a ten-year-old?

Lynni - did you check out Angela's technique in the what women want thread? May be worth trying out.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Lynni

I agree, songwriter. But... When a man (around here) is attracted to me I feel like there is an expected approach I'm supposed to take to let him know I reciprocate. Like giggle or bat my eyes or brush up against him suggestively. Which is not me, and I'm not going to do those things. Smiling at him and letting it show that I'm glad to see him and asking interested questions doesn't seem to be enough. Giggle...what am I, a ten-year-old? I think rural areas are infested with immature men. Someone please prove me wrong.

OK, gentlemen, What's the best way a woman has ever announced her interest in you? A way that made you feel appreciated, respected and good about yourself?

Another question for the menfolk - if you're really interested in a woman and not just looking for something easy (I know where you're coming from Isis) you let her know in a direct, respectful way, right? You don't just hint around ambiguously do you?

The best way? Definitely not by sending signals or something... at least for me. Kind of what you say, nothing ambiguous... I guess spoken words are the best tools we have to comunicate. What you don't like to do is something I don't like in women either... so, for instance I would like your way more than others woman ways...

Yes, but you have asked for the best way that has really happened... mmm...
I'm not successful with that... not much to say... (I don't count the ones that I showed my interested first) a girl in a disco put her arms around me... around my neck... but when I talked with her, she was ambiguous... so it's not such a good way... but it's the closest thing I've had...

[ripcurly]

the biggest turn on for me, which is not just sexual, but intellectual and emotional (really these mean vastly more than sexual), is for a woman whom i respect and admire to respect and admire me. there are plenty of those who are, for a lack of time to think of a politically correct way to say this, inferior or less developed than me in terms of philosophical logic, spirituality, and intelligence. to be recognized by my equals or superiors is the highest form of achievement and love i can receive. to feel love and admiration because of my qualities, not because i have a bunch of problems but am somehow still "lovable"... i know i sound like ayn rand but its true.

there is nothing more meaningful to me than an incredibly deep, intelligent, intimate conversation followed up by a night of passionate love making, followed by a good night of cuddling. give me some good waves the next day and i am in utopia (so far at least. i am sure it is not that unattainable)

[openeyes]

I just finished watching “Score” on netflix and it fit the ideal relationship for me at the moment: two people who love sex/physical interaction and enjoy creating situations where they introduce others to just how much fun it can be. The people who do best with me are either men or bisexual women. The woman I feel closest to right now generally considers herself a lesbian, yet that hasn’t stopped us from greatly enjoying each other’s company and doing more than friends generally would on occasion. I mostly enjoy people who are very open, highly intelligent/creative, in good shape, not jealous, and seeking new experiences.

[ripcurly]

thats a pretty cool way of looking at things openeyes. i disagree with you only because i am scared of stds. if i lived in the 60's i would be all over that. not saying you are irresponsible or anything. i just dont wana take the risk.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by ripcurly

i disagree with you only because i am scared of stds.

Indeed. That's the one aspect (plus concern about pregnancy) that keeps me fairly careful in exactly what I share while having fun.