long term relationship

[sept]

i've been in denial about the state of my relationship for a while. Telling myself i did not want to be with this person and rejecting their advances. While at the same time trying to work out my own personal issues. i stayed on in the relationship and various aspects have improved. Communication is getting better between both of us, etc

however, i still have not been sexually attracted to my partner. i spent a long time fantasizing about other people. even chatting a few of them up. with each new person, i found reason to not pursue the attraction.

a few days ago, i went to visit a mutual friend. we ended up kissing & some touchy feely stuff. But, no sex. i couldn't do it. they did not spark passion in me.

so, now i have resolved to kiss my partner with all the passion i have in order to see how i truly feel about it. like i said, in the recent past i have rejected her advances. found her visually unattractive & to have unattractive habits. i won't see her for a couple days though and this is a good thing. it gives me time to release alot of negative images

any thoughts or advice is appreciated. my main question is: should i tell my partner i kissed this other person? i will not pursue anything with them and they agreed that it would be best not to tell my partner.

but, there is a certain level of remorse. i don't even know that i would call it guilt. it seems like something i had to do in order to see clearly that i did not want the sexual fling i thought i wanted.

thanks for reading.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 999GEORGE

...however, i still have not been sexually attracted to my partner.... i spent a long time fantasizing about other people. even chatting a few of them up. ... found her visually unattractive & to have unattractive habits....

should i tell my partner i kissed this other person?

999George, it is really rotten to let your "partner" believe she is in a relationship with you. Don't tell her you kissed someone else; tell her you are letting her go with love so that she can find a real partner.

Then do the work on yourself to see why you would put yourself into a romantic situation with someone you are repulsed by. Please do this before you torture another soul.

[ZHereford]

999George,

I agree with Angela.

After reading your post, I'm wondering what the heck you are doing with this person at all! It's obvious you don't have anything solid going on. Why are you putting her through the charade? Are you afraid to move on?

[wolfgang]

Things would work better if you knew what you want. It seems like on one hand you want to be in this relationship but then on the other hand you are not really attracted to this person - rejecting her advances. So your appraoch is to go through the motions to see if you can generate the attraction after the fact? Is that what you are thinking of doing? I haven't done that so I don't know how well that will work for you. I mean, usually I've been attracted to someone and I didn't have to figure out why I reject advances or try to go through motions to see if I am attracted.

Losing attraction is a different thing than not having had attraction at all with someone. Sometimes the loose of attraction is from other stresses that once acknowledged the attraction comes back. But is sounds like you don't have any attraction to even remember with your current so called partner.

Your confusion is also present with the mutual friend. Making out and petting - but then you say there was no passion? Ha? Why make out and touch without any passion?

[sept]

definitely a case of losing attraction. we had a few arguments that seemed to really bother me. i did not discuss it with her for a while & let myself stew over it. i know this was a bad decision too.

when i look at her now, i can see that she is an attractive person phyically and as a human being. but, i cannot find a passionate response to her. we've been together over 10 years. most times for the first 5-8 years were good. she was abusive to me at some points and i also had a hard time getting past that.

i know the thing with the friend seems ridiculous in retrospect. i don't want to be with that person. i'm more commited to being in a long term relationship and it would not work out with the friend.

part of the reason this is so freaking hard is that my partner has been my best friend for years. now i have treated her like ****.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by 999GEORGE

part of the reason this is so freaking hard is that my partner has been my best friend for years. now i have treated her like ****.

I didn't realize you've been in this relationship for so long. Perhaps you should consider some relationship counselling, especially if you want to be in a long-term committed one. Of course, that would include learning to let go of some of the past hurts.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by 999GEORGE

definitely a case of losing attraction. we had a few arguments that seemed to really bother me. i did not discuss it with her for a while & let myself stew over it. i know this was a bad decision too.

Then the hope is the attraction can be uncovered again. I think it's easier to work on the issues and find a way to have a heart to heart with her. Nothing like that to rediscover attraction. As opposed to just trying to do the motions physically and thinking that will turn it all around - maybe that will but it would just be a physical thing, you need to figure out how to reconnect then get physical naturally, imo.

part of the reason this is so freaking hard is that my partner has been my best friend for years. now i have treated her like ****.

Then use that feeling to guide you. As a message of what you want and don't want. Tell yourself the only reason you did make out with a mutual friend was just so you know what you don't want and don't want to do.

[sept]

Thanks for all your responses Angelea, ZHereford, and wolfgang.

My initial reaction to my behavior was the same as Angela's & ZHereford's ... Get the F*** out & don't hurt her anymore. But, as i thought about it i realized i do still care about her.

Thanks especially to wolfgang. Reading your posts i felt a calm energy and I feel like you really hit the nail on the head. Especially this part:

Then the hope is the attraction can be uncovered again. I think it's easier to work on the issues and find a way to have a heart to heart with her. Nothing like that to rediscover attraction. As opposed to just trying to do the motions physically and thinking that will turn it all around - maybe that will but it would just be a physical thing, you need to figure out how to reconnect then get physical naturally, imo.

Then use that feeling to guide you. As a message of what you want and don't want. Tell yourself the only reason you did make out with a mutual friend was just so you know what you don't want and don't want to do.

Thanks again to all of you.

namaste