Possible Attachment - Sorry for the Novel but please read.

[Azrael]

Hello everyone and I thank everyone in advance for any assistance anyone can provide. This is a very strange question for me as only 1 year ago I was a convinced atheist nearly as rabid in my disbelief as Richard Dawkins. Long story short, I knew deep down in my heart that this was not true despite all the arguments which I had rigorously studied and analyzed which led to the intellectual inescapable truth that we are born alone, die alone, and that is all. I just knew that this was not right for me and I heard a voice (not mine but I think god's, just confirming it's love for me and all of us).

However, the process of getting back to a state of belief was filled with many lost years. During that time I was morbidly depressed and anxiety ridden, while on the surface appearing like a person people "admire." I am tall, athletic, well educated, decently attractive, and has essentially every reason in the world to admire myself, but I actively loathed every aspect of my being. Not that I felt ugly or stupid, but just worthless, pointless, a waste of time and space.
This led to a prolonged period of heavy drug use and addiction which I eventually beat, but still as an atheist, at which the prospect of living a drug free life at the time seemed completely undesirable, something in me told me I had to stop. Despite beating the addiction, living healthy, yoga, martial arts, weights, good clean food, I was more depressed than ever.

I began doing cognitive behavioral therapy and started taking suboxone and finally my life turned around. The depression was gone, the anxiety manageable, I left a long tortured relationship and found myself dating then shortly thereafter falling madly in love with a long time friend who I always admired and thought gorgeous. My life was/beautiful, with one minor exception, I think I picked up something bad all those years ago.

My depression and anxiety were the product of an idyllic home turned abusive and hateful due to a longstanding affair my father was engaging in, and which turned my world upside down. My young childhood led me to be woefully unprotected from the nightmare my family descended into in my early teens and it just never got better until now (about 20 years later). My depression was non-specific and just completely overwhelming. In my head there was a non-stop chorus constantly chiding me for being such a miserable failure that was a talentless fraud. I thought myself just intelligent enough to be smarter than the average person and not having the comfort of the typical ignorance, but not smart enough to do anything worthwhile, so all efforts would end in failure and futility in my head.

It also reminded me of all my other shortcomings, anything I had ever done wrong, how immoral and ethically weak I was, no courage, no convictions, etc.. When I mean it was a non-stop voice, I really mean it, I would find myself arguing with it, crying saying the things were not true, but then having it simply overwhelm me by it's (the voice) persistence and tenacity. Eventually just to find a release from the inner torment, I sought methods of silencing it, all completely futile until the day I had my wisdom teeth removed and I was given opiates.

For the first time in years my inner world was quiet, I was at peace, I felt confident, energized, and I thought that this is what it must be like to feel normal and not have something in your head from the moment you wake berating you until you finally find respite in sleep at the end of the day. It took a couple years but I found myself back with opiates and by that time I knew I could not live with the torment anymore and a full blown addiction developed. I never binged, partied hard, or really abused them for the sake of "fun", it was for me, a matter of necessity in order to not want to kill myself from the misery of my sober life. For me drugs were not the problem, they were the only solution.

Of course this soon became unmanageable due to our country's misguided moral crusade against sin, and I also knew in my heart that this was not the way I was supposed to live. As I said I got myself sober and I remained that way for years, but I was more miserable than ever and I remained sober out of raw determination and obstinancy. That became insufficient reason after about 4 years of shrinks, meds, yoga, etc, I felt not a bit better and decided to start using again. my relapse was short lived (about 6 weeks) when I finally got myself on Suboxone and back into seeing a therapist who I really liked.

I have researched enough to where I think that my opiate addiction was simple self medication due to a deficiency in endogenous opiod production as I had never experienced a runner's high despite killing myself in exercise and my base starting level of happiness just seemed to be really low. Opiods are just another neurotransmitter in your brain, no different than serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and others, and it made total sense. Suboxone was a miracle for me, as it locks onto the opiod receptors in the brain, but does not produce any high at all, and can be used long term with no negative side effects other than the need for taking the pills. It produced a stability and peace that I had never known and my life really started coming together.

On the process of recovery, my now wife, who is an energy healer and very spiritually aware yet very grounded and pragmatic, began doing cleansing work on me. We had discussed a possible attachment to me previously as a potential source of "the voice" and that it lost it voice when I was taking suboxone, but we worried it may manifest in other ways.

Sure enough, one night when she was performing a cleansing, she claims that though I was completely asleep that I was growling on and off and then I said "come on fight me." A few months later she said that we were sitting together and she was meditating and that I had drifted off to sleep and that I said "You know he has a demon inside him, do you still want to marry him?" To which she responded of course she did. She says she is not certain she did not have this occur in a meditative trance, or if it actually occurred, but to her it seemed completel real.

Now tonight we have been listening to a guided cleansing which is supposed to remove attachments and I started having weird side effects after. Tonight for instance, my entire leg just cramped up like a charley horse and stayed that way for about 30 minutes. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, I eat well, exercise, stretch, am generally fit and this was just out of the blue and rather terrifying as I would not go away and the pain was unbearable.

During the process, she came over to do some energy work on me, and she put of the guided cleansing again and I passed out almost immediately, despite just a minute earlier being fully awake and in dire pain. When I woke I noticed that the cramping was moving throughout my body, it moved to my other leg, up my right arm, into my hand, back up, into the side of my face, then back down and finally dissipated.

Also, during the cleansing, I had just fallen back asleep when I was startled awake because I heard a loud hissing noise, like a huge reptile was really pissed off. I asked Sarah if she just made that noise and of course she said "what noise?" So now this has me a bit concerned and I am wondering if anyone can make any suggestions as to possible sources of information, methods of removal, how to know if I really do have something etc..

[Jestr]

I can't help you too much, but from what happened to me a few days ago, they definitely get really annoyed and upset when I invoked the name of Christ. They gave me a dream vision immediately afterward that said "F*** OFF!!!". They are so immature. Even now I don't know if I am free of them either. I will watch this thread. Good Luck

[Silwer]

Considering what you wrote in the last parts of your post I think it would be strange if there would be nothing wrong o.0
But I was impressed that you managed to get up from all those down slopes you described, being able to do that I believe you somehow will be able to get through this too.

I have no idea of how to fix your problem thou, if I did I would get rid of my own nightmare stalker >.>

stay strong!

[Azrael]

Thanks for the kind words. My life has definitely been filled with it's share of misery, but I have no idea how I could have developed the insight I have gained nor be the person I am today without the past I have lived. It does seem that our adversities in life are the primary catalyst for meaningful growth and self awareness. I actually love the person I have become and I would not trade a single day of it (well a day here and there would be alright )
Now if I can just figure out how to get rid of this spiritual parasite my life would be just about perfect.

[bbmiche]

I do hope you find the insight you need to rid yourself of this attachment. I believe they can remain dormant for some time and things go along swimingly, that is until something reawakens them. I am dealing with this sort of situation as well, but with my husband. He does not know, I don't believe, but he has started to have outbursts of yelling which are not like him and a few times, his eyes go completely black or flicker from normal to completely black, like he is fighting for control over his body. I used to see this before, when we first started dating, which scared me at the time, but then it disapppeared. I thought that was the end of it. Until recently. I am looking into getting help for my husband, but first I have to approach him about what is happening to him, as he does not realize he still has an attachment. Opening this conversation with him may not be that easy. I am hoping for the best with this first step.

[Jango]

Find an experienced Shaman. They can help you! Don't try to fight off a Demon by yourself, you will just make it mad!

[Fellforit]

I can certainly emphathize with you, Azrael. I always grew up agnostic, never thought about spiritualism at all - thought it was all touchy/feely granola ****. LOL Made my way through depression and the negative voices, found some meds that helped (but they really took away the symptoms and didn't help the underlying problem). Got therapy, did CBT on myself, etc.

Until a few years ago... when God found me. Not in a religious sense, but in a spiritual and clairvoyant/psychic communication sense. With the help of the lovely people on this board, I'm trying to understand it.

A few months ago, I believe that a negative entitity tried to get a hold of me through my energy and dreams (it's not like I saw a ghost or anything). Something weird and scary was happening.

Although I am not a professional in these areas, I thought I could share what worked for me and maybe it can help you somewhat.

Have you tried shielding yourself for protection? It may help to daily shield yourself with white light and ask Archangel Michael for protection. I had to add "today and every day, and please just get rid of this thing forever - I don't need to know that he's even here before you smite him!" Ha ha

Before I added the last part, the entity would come to me in my nightmares and I would try to fight him off, sometimes successfully. But he always came back. Then I believe that Archangel Michael came to help when I asked for it, as I saw the entity get blasted away in a big swath of white light. When I asked AM to just get rid of him entirely without me having to know about it, everything stopped. I now am totally free from its influence.

It couldn't hurt to try, right?

I do believe that we can be succeptible to negative energies, whatever they are. They look for weakness. Try to be as healthy and strong as you can, and believe that you can fight this with your wife's help. Raise your vibration by being as happy, loving and joyous as you can even in the face of this fear.

Lastly, I was told by a psychic last week that I was to help people with addiction/self-medication issues. As soon as I read your message I wondered if this was a message to me to try to help.

While you get on top of whatever this negative energy is, continued therapy might help. Perhaps one that has an existential theory base would be helpful. You might also like to read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. We definitely are products of our suffering as well as our joys.