Dear Friend Lost. HELP

[172]

Ok, so I asked if this should be placed in the lost items thread and did not receive a response. By the grace of God if there is anyone out there who is willing, will you please tell me what you see?

I have a dear, dear, very close friend (in fact, she is my first cousin). She left me. Several months ago, she just removed our friendship from her life without a warning or clue. I don't know why and I miss her terribly. Can someone tell me anything? Why? What did I do wrong? Has she really left our friendship? Does she still care? Will we be close again? Anything you can see will be respected and much appreciated.

[Nimue]

Hmm...did you try asking her? If yes, what was the result?

[172]

Originally Posted by Nimue

Hmm...did you try asking her? If yes, what was the result?

Yes, I asked her and she said she was just busy. But, we used to talk daily. We have been very close our whole lives. When I asked her, after she said she was busy, she did mention an exchange we had several months earlier in which she was offended by my response. I apologized for my response when it happened and then again when she brought it up this time. She never responded to my apology so I tried giving her space. That was four months ago. She hasn't so much as sent me an email, call nor text. She has moved on. But, our relationship wasn't toxic so I don't understand why. We were really great friends and very supportive of each other. And, I've never done anything toxic or injurious to her. She just disappeared without a peep.

[ElizabethAnne]

Has she joined any religion lately?

[Nimue]

The case might be, she was really offended by it, and thought "after all this time together, does 172 really thinks of me like that?"
Apologies might not work in this case, if you don't convince her that you didn't mean it and that you don't really think like that about her.
Same goes if you offended something important to her, like religion or family.

Since she is your first cousin, can you learn anything about her from other relatives? ( I doubt it would help, just wondering)

[172]

Originally Posted by ElizabethAnne

Has she joined any religion lately?

No, not that I know of. She has a new boyfriend and things are getting serious. I've been nothing but genuinely excited for her about all of it. She wants to get married and I want that for her. Also, she recently started a master's program. And, her daughter was getting a new apartment and starting her second year of college so when I initially asked her if she was mad at me, (four months ago), she was just saying she was really busy.

[172]

Originally Posted by Nimue

The case might be, she was really offended by it, and thought "after all this time together, does 172 really thinks of me like that?"
Apologies might not work in this case, if you don't convince her that you didn't mean it and that you don't really think like that about her.
Same goes if you offended something important to her, like religion or family.

Since she is your first cousin, can you learn anything about her from other relatives? ( I doubt it would help, just wondering)

Thing is, I didn't say anything about her. She was offended because one day back in May, she called and asked me to think back to when I was 18 and what my vision was for myself at that time and to look at myself now and GRADE myself on how well I had achieved my age 18 vision of how I would be today at my age today. I told her that part of my past problem for many years was grading myself and being too hard on myself for choices I had made that took me on paths I needed to learn from. I told her I had recently decided I would no longer grade myself because my age 18 vision of who I should be was nothing like what I really needed to grow. And, so I refused to grade myself. I was passionate when I was saying it. Not as an affront to her but because it was emotional for me as I had just had a milestone birthday and I had been reevaluating my progress when I finally realized I was really doing great and I needed to give myself more credit. Well, she took offense to this and my tone. She took it personally. She was asking all of our friends and close relatives the same question. Kind of like a nice inspirational growth thing she was doing but my response was to not play that game and she didn't like it. So, after about an hour, I called and apologized and played the game and graded myself even though I know that is not a beneficial game for my own evolution. She was cool at the time. Then, several months later in August, after I realized she wasn't answering my calls anymore, I finally sent her an email asking what was wrong and that's when she brings it up again and she said she didn't like the way I had talked to her that day. (which I apologized for...keep in mind it was in May we were now in August). So, I apologized again for being offensive and irritable and told her I hoped she'd be able to forgive that. She never responded and that was the last time we communicated (August).

I really think it's something more. We were EXTRA close. I mean talking every single day and sharing all the details of our lives and lots of laughter and love and encouraging each other. It doesn't make sense. I feel there is something ELSE I'm not seeing or do not know about that is keeping her from this friendship.

Which is why I'm asking if anyone who has the ability can see or feel anything. I have no idea what it is. We didn't have an abusive relationship. We never borrowed money from each other so there is nothing to do with someone owing anyone anything. And, we have always worked and supported together each other on our goals and dreams. So, it's not like I was the toxic friend full of negativity. We have even worked together on encouraging each other in LOA for our dreams and everything.

I have no idea what happened.

[172]

Originally Posted by Nimue

The case might be, she was really offended by it, and thought "after all this time together, does 172 really thinks of me like that?"
Apologies might not work in this case, if you don't convince her that you didn't mean it and that you don't really think like that about her.
Same goes if you offended something important to her, like religion or family.

Since she is your first cousin, can you learn anything about her from other relatives? ( I doubt it would help, just wondering)

I guess, I could ask family members, but I really do not want to put pressure on anyone else or put them in the middle. We were close enough that I feel any discussion about this should be between the two of us. I mean, we are both only children, our mothers are sisters and we grew up like the sisters we never had. My mom knows we aren't speaking but she doesn't have any input. And, that is her neice. I wonder if she has spoken with her about it but I don't know.

[Nimue]

Ok, now I see why this is the right thread... I agree that your disagreement doesn't look like a big deal.
Let me get this straight, she doesn't even talk to you about her news, just tells you she's busy and closes the phone? She does sound like she's a little freaked out by all the stuff that happens in her life...I have a friend who is on a master program, no bf, and we still barely find the time to talk.
What's the most strange, though, is that she still seems to keep that time in mind...She shouldn't give any credit to that moment by now... Were there any more moments like that?

[172]

Originally Posted by Nimue

Ok, now I see why this is the right thread... I agree that your disagreement doesn't look like a big deal.
Let me get this straight, she doesn't even talk to you about her news, just tells you she's busy and closes the phone? She does sound like she's a little freaked out by all the stuff that happens in her life...I have a friend who is on a master program, no bf, and we still barely find the time to talk.
What's the most strange, though, is that she still seems to keep that time in mind...She shouldn't give any credit to that moment by now... Were there any more moments like that?

Ever since that last email in August when I apologized for a second time, I have not heard from her at all. She had already stopped calling and answering my calls before that....and that email exchange was my asking her what was going on. There has been no more contact since. I waited a while to give her time to get through whatever it was and she never reached out again.

We went from talking and laughing daily and being a permanent fixture in each other's lives to literally not having spoken like that since July of this year out of the BLUE.

There are no other incidents difficult exchanges. When we disagree we agree to disagree and keep going. That's why none of this makes any sense to me.

[Lamusa]

I would just confront her even more. Call her everyday. Go to her house. Tell her you miss her and love her - in person if possible and be open-hearted about it. Tell her how much she means to you. This might get her to open up and cry a bit to release the tension she's holding there. It seems like you are letting the walls she's put up keep you too tentative when dealing with her. This is a typical pattern with co-dependent relationships or relationships heading in that direction. think of a romantic relationship. Things can seem really wonderful for a month or two when you are both putting forward your best selves and then you hit a snag because you've bumped up against that person's deep seated issues. With close friendships at times this could take more time(yes, even years) because the romantic aspect of it is not there so intimacy, the real intimacy that brings up people's warts and thorns can show up in unexpected ways. Believe me, I've been right where you are now and right where your cousin is. So what I am telling you here is the stuff that I wished I had done and for the most part didn't.

I've let more friendships than I'd like to admit slip away because of apparently little misunderstandings like this and just went in circles around my head because of it. My sense is that their is an aspect of your relationship (or her life) that's bothered her that she's kept quiet about for some time and the tone you took was the last straw for her. This of course in reality has nothing to do with you although it sucks because it's affecting you but has more to do with the way she someone must have spoken to her as a child.

At the end of the day, no matter what situations like this make us look deep within ourselves and some friendships as much as we want them to last forever or stay in the same way they were change but always allow these changes to really enrich you and bring you more joy in your interactions with people.

I have more to say but gotta run right now. Good luck!

[172]

Originally Posted by Lamusa

I would just confront her even more. Call her everyday. Go to her house. Tell her you miss her and love her - in person if possible and be open-hearted about it. Tell her how much she means to you. This might get her to open up and cry a bit to release the tension she's holding there. It seems like you are letting the walls she's put up keep you too tentative when dealing with her. This is a typical pattern with co-dependent relationships or relationships heading in that direction. think of a romantic relationship. Things can seem really wonderful for a month or two when you are both putting forward your best selves and then you hit a snag because you've bumped up against that person's deep seated issues. With close friendships at times this could take more time(yes, even years) because the romantic aspect of it is not there so intimacy, the real intimacy that brings up people's warts and thorns can show up in unexpected ways. Believe me, I've been right where you are now and right where your cousin is. So what I am telling you here is the stuff that I wished I had done and for the most part didn't.

I've let more friendships than I'd like to admit slip away because of apparently little misunderstandings like this and just went in circles around my head because of it. My sense is that their is an aspect of your relationship (or her life) that's bothered her that she's kept quiet about for some time and the tone you took was the last straw for her. This of course in reality has nothing to do with you although it sucks because it's affecting you but has more to do with the way she someone must have spoken to her as a child.

At the end of the day, no matter what situations like this make us look deep within ourselves and some friendships as much as we want them to last forever or stay in the same way they were change but always allow these changes to really enrich you and bring you more joy in your interactions with people.

I have more to say but gotta run right now. Good luck!

Thank you. This was very helpful. You're right, my ego has not allowed me to just say what is on my heart. I really do wish her the best and love her dearly. I want her to know that. I hope we can work it out. But, if not, I don't think I would ever be at peace about this if I didn't at least share that much with her. I really appreciate your sharing. Much joy and peace to you.

[172]

One more question....

My cousin and I's grandparents died. Our grandmother died last year. She was very close to my cousin. I adore her too. Anyway, do you think it's possible to ask for her insight? (my grandmother) I don't know really how to contact those that have passed over other than to just pray and call them. Is it possible she can shed some insight into what is going on?

[Lamusa]

Originally Posted by 172

One more question....

My cousin and I's grandparents died. Our grandmother died last year. She was very close to my cousin. I adore her too. Anyway, do you think it's possible to ask for her insight? (my grandmother) I don't know really how to contact those that have passed over other than to just pray and call them. Is it possible she can shed some insight into what is going on?

Since your Grandmother is coming up in this instance I would trust your intuition and ask her for insight.

It's also possible that your cousin is still struggling with grief over the loss of your Grandmother. Grief can manifest in so many different ways and take awhile to heal. I think we take these things all in stride, to be honest. Sometimes we transfer those feelings onto other people.

Ask your Grandmother for guidance if that feels right. It could help to have your Grandmother's picture or at least clear picture in your mind of her.

The best antidote for any kind of discordance is to radiate love from your heart to that person. That helps to heal what that person might be holding onto as well as yourself. It also makes it a bit easier to deal with the pain of the absence of not only your Grandmother's bodily presence but the relationship you had with your cousin. It's also possible that you and your cousin can come together again and be a much tighter more close unit than before. So many possibilities.

Lamusa

[Lamusa]

Originally Posted by 172

Thank you. This was very helpful. You're right, my ego has not allowed me to just say what is on my heart. I really do wish her the best and love her dearly. I want her to know that. I hope we can work it out. But, if not, I don't think I would ever be at peace about this if I didn't at least share that much with her. I really appreciate your sharing. Much joy and peace to you.

I've had some real dark nights of the soul over these situations. And I still struggle not to let my ego get in the way because what builds is resentment and the heart closes a litttle than a little more, the friend or cousin senses this then they stay away and then this builds more resentment. It's a harrowing cycle but what it has taught me and still teaches me is not to just focus and obsess over what might be causing the person to act this way or what I did wrong but to where in me do I feel unloved. As strange as it sounds, I am grateful for the lesson because I had no idea how unloved I truly felt and incapable of receiving love until I started to get really, really close to people. Because at the very heart of it I always feared they would leave(through death or other circumstances) so the moment it appeared that way I pushed them away further.

Now, I keep trying and healing and doing the best I can but it's not easy, though it's getting easier through forgiving them, myself and just opening myself up to greater and deeper love.

Much Joy and peace to you, too!


Lamusa