Missing a benevolent entity

[Kelethin]

I've hesitated to open up about this to complete strangers for years. I never thought I would speak of something so sacred to me on a public forum but I am desperate and lurking around awhile there seem to be people willing to help someone like me.

I think I should start at the beginning.
At least 5 years ago I was accosted by a spectre of sorts if I fell asleep without falling into a dream(astral projection?) It would project an aura of soul crushing fear which forbade me to make any movements or feel anything but dread and got to the point where I was terrified of going to sleep.

This went on for months, maybe even over a year. It never got too close to me, just watched, and I watched back as I seemed forced to, I couldn't move, and forcing myself awake would take minutes. One such episode it appeared right next to me with a twisted expression on its face scaring the life out of me like never before. This time was interrupted by a commanding voice and a light, as the light grew closer it took a humanoid shape and I felt the fear gripping my entire body melt away. This tiny fairy/angel radiated a strong calmness and it was easy to rest for once.

I saw it once more the following night in a strange dream where I was swimming or floating around in an endless pool of light. The benevolent entity was enormous and radiated every positive emotion I can think of. I basked in it and frolicked around this titanic fairy/angel.

Following that night however I didn't see it again for a while, and the spectre returned to harass me, only this time I didn't feel worried and with good reason. The goddess from before drove it off violently and swiftly(as she seemed to deal with any malevolent entity) and it has never bothered me since. After I woke up I felt this benevolent entity still with me, following me around at all times. When I would go to sleep it was there too, and there I could speak with it easily (on the rare occasions myself in a dream desired to do so). It seemed to prefer singing to english, although I could interpret it perfectly.

For weeks or months it continued like this, never leaving my side for a moment. I looked up similar phenomena online and it seemed to fit various roles like guardian angel, spirit guide, familiar... and so on. I gave it a name I thought fit as a gesture of friendship, I felt like I knew it from very long ago.

With it came other blessings as well, the headaches I suffered in great number and severity were gone completely. I would communicate with other benevolent entities as naturally as I would another person. Animals seemed aware of it too.


I had told close friends who I thought might enjoy the story about it, sometimes they seemed jealous which saddened me.
At some point I started to have dreams where people or things were out to destroy it. I often thought about this, was it my own worries that it would be taken away from me? jealousy of friends made manifest? Did it draw unwanted attention to itself from the nasty creatures that she would deny a meal of fear? That's what was on my mind.

The whole thing started to fade out, In waking life I couldn't make out a presence or communicate with it and in a dream it would only be around when called upon specifically, eventually it even stopped responding to that which is when I got seriously worried. Sometimes it would still make its presence, less than once a month. A good percentage of my dreams I spend wandering around looking for her to no avail.

I feel like I've lost my closest friend and have spent years trying to resolve this. I don't know where the issue even lies and I've tried tackling this issue from countless angles. From chakra work to cleansing rituals I feel like I tried everything.
Is it a failure to communicate on my part? Have I offended my friend or has she abandoned me? Could something so immense and powerful be assassinated by evil spirits for being a troublemaking do-gooder?

I'm tired of this chase but I am not a quitter, especially when it comes to friends.

[Nimue]

I am a little confused. You mean the bad entity stopped coming, but so did the angel? Then maybe she just decided you don't really need her anymore, and went to help others with the same problems.

[Kelethin]

I feel like the root of the problem lies with me "somehow". All the research I've done would indicate that being such as herself would be unfettered by restrictions like time or only being able to be in one place at a time.
I also would hope that if time and space are an issue that she would be considerate enough to warn me and save me tons and tons of worry, or not get too close in the first place.

[Xionel]

Sounds like you've been through the mill Kelethin...

I'm in the same mind as Nimue; did they both disappear? And maybe if the bad entity went, she felt your problem was sorted.

I can understand the feeling of loss after experiencing something like that, I feel it very strongly over another still, but I never regret having that time with them at all.
I suppose you can think of them like doctors or nurses; they are there for you while you're in hospital, making sure that you have everything you need and are well looked after. Then the better you get, the less they come round until you're well enough to leave hospital. That doesn't mean that you have left their care forever. They'll still do house calls
You just have to remember that, like doctors, they also have a load of other people to look after...and yeah, time and space may not be an issue, but she could be saying you just need to get on with your life, and that you can do it without her help maybe.

Also, with the consideration factor, doctors have to leave without any notice whatsoever if they are faced with another emergency, and so don't always have time to apologise.

One thing I can say is that she will never abandon you Trust me on that.
Whenever you feel downtrodden or alone, just focus on the good times and the feelings you had - and don't regret having that in your life. With my guide work I've had a few that have come and gone. I miss them to bits but I'll always have that bit in time where we worked together, and that's what I remember.

I hope this helped in some way (and sorry for all the medical similes, I've had all the jargon 'rammed' down my throat since I was born hehe)

[desertrat]

I think your benevolent entity is still there , just not on an astral plane you can see it. desert rat

[Kelethin]

I love analogies, they're some of the most abstract but easy to understand forms of communication.

Oh I'm sure she assists other people, I remember encouraging her to do so, and she used to bring me along on these things in a dream, I remember helping console a young child who was forced to work in a mine.

There's a handful of problems assuming she wants me to move on. Supposedly we have more than one guide or guardian and I haven't been able to contact anything else and my dreams have returned to being dull or nightmarish.

I'm pretty sure something inside me just switched off at some point. Thinking back on it I remember having dreams of sabotaging myself in this regard! Why? I don't KNOW! I swear my subconscious mind has gone stark raving mad or has some issue of self loathing that hasn't surfaced on me yet. Or maybe "it" (my'self'?) doesn't entertain the idea of being assisted, a boneheaded pride issue.

I'll admit, I'll hang on to things and people long after its healthy to do so, but I've always persevered and in the long run it works out for the better Troublesome friends finally maturing, ever grateful for sticking by them during turbulent times.(Yes multiple people like that I'm huge on loyalty and seeing things through to the end) I never entertained the idea of getting over things that aren't hopeless just to prove to myself that I'm strong.

I'm sorry.. I don't mean to appear ungrateful, disagreeable or hostile. I just don't feel that this good things time has come to pass. I will admit to you I spoil myself every opportunity I get but I don't think myself incapable of getting over things. I just prefer to persevere rather than move on. I can't give up just cause it got harder!

I'm frustrated, I don't know how to tackle this. It's an issue with mind and soul which our 'lovely' ancestors suppressed for so long. While I've been lucky enough to have more experience with it than most folks I'm still inept and aimless. Please, whoever has the expertise/experience, tell me what I must do to reach my goal. I have all this willpower to see it through but I don't know what to do with it.

Originally Posted by desertrat

I think your benevolent entity is still there , just not on an astral plane you can see it. desert rat

I think I'm subconsciously tuning her and all those helpful spirits out. It used to feel so natural, and then it got more difficult. I want to undo that harmful process and I don't know how.

[yamayama]

I think you stopped hearing/seeing her because you got filled with doubt and fear of her going away. I'm not sure how that works except that in my experience the things that i focus on tend to happen. I don't think she's gone, I think maybe you just aren't in tune with her.

I would suggest getting into a very relaxed medative state, draw white light and love into yourself, and then call her and draw her to you the same way you did the light and love. Know that she is with you.

If you are in a relaxed enough state, and receptive and not fearful or worried of the outcome then she will come to you. Call her name and know that she is there. You may sense her very vaguely at first but if you did this, say every night before bed I feel that she will become clearer to you. She may not come right away, she might come to you later in a dream or the next day or maybe make something happen that is weird or coincidental but meaningful to you.

Good luck, stay positive and if you do manage to contact her again please post?

[Midniteshowers]

I believe that 'she' started making her presence known to you at a time in your life that you needed her the most, and when you became fully aware of the fact that you are not alone, she decided to let you live your life experiences with her sitting in the sidelines. I don't think that she has left you, she just isn't making her presence aware to you. We all have spirit guides, but most people will never become aware of them in there lifetime here on earth. Don't worry, I really don't think she has left you, perhaps she felt that you were becoming to dependent on her and thought best that you should live this life experience without the dependency of her? It seems to me that you really needed her when you first became aware of her. So she made her presence known to you to comfort you. Take comfort now knowing that she is still with you, she is just hiding herself from you.

[Orca]

Hi Kelethin,

I get the same impression, that she was there when you needed her, and now her job is done. Spirit guides can come and go throughout our lives. Some stay around long time, while others come through only for a reason or a season.

I understand you miss her. But I don't think you did anything wrong that would have sent her away. I think she probably just knows you don't need her anymore. Whether she decides to come by again isn't something you can control. Hope you don't feel rejected or abandoned by her, because I really don't think that is her intention here.

What if you just send her lots of appreciation for how much she helped you throughout that time. And then let her go...

Orca

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by Orca

I get the same impression, that she was there when you needed her, and now her job is done. Spirit guides can come and go throughout our lives. Some stay around long time, while others come through only for a reason or a season.

lol you should have seen me when my first spirit guide announced he'd leave. I was like, "WHAT? Now? You're not kidding me are you? Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't you leave me alone in this cruel world!" *soul grabbing his leg and getting dragged on the astral plane's floor* Ok, not exactly so disgracefully, but you get the idea. In the end he agreed to drop by sometimes

[Orca]

Oh how human is that!

Yes, I do understand what you mean.

I think it's because they have their things to do too. They may have a job to do, and once they do it, they move on. Angels work a bit differently I think. I get the feeling they are always there, at everyone's beck and call. But with entities likes guides, I think it's a bit dfiferent. It can be more what we need vs. what we want.

Just my .02.

[Kelethin]

I would understand if that were the case, if she wanted me to move on, but I've spent more time dwelling on it and worrying than I would have had we not been 'cut off' from eachother. Moving on doesn't always involve abandoning things, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by yamayama

Good luck, stay positive and if you do manage to contact her again please post?

Well you've put me in high spirits and I have had slight success in this area, but no more than slight.
Sleep paralysis right? Or hypnagogia/pompia? Well it's not a projection in any case if I can't move is it? I just lied there in my bed, it felt like I was tied to it by a thousand rubber bands, for it was difficult to move, and if I did manage, I would snap back to where I started out.

Once in a while in this state I will be interacting with someone else in some way, usually they're nice, sometimes they help me unshackle myself, But I can never see or otherwise recognize them.

I remember there was a time where my movement in that state was free, yet I was still unable to make out the different entities. And at some point without consciously thinking it through I thought it would be a good idea to install these 4 huge machines above me. The purpose of these machines was to lock myself.

I feel blind, deaf and powerless in a psychic way, yet I feel safe. It's not worth the secure feeling though. I wish to socialize with all the beings of light and nature again, not only my precious guardian.

[bluestar]

She's not gone. She has moved back, and may not be manifesting on the ordinary levels of consciousness, but not gone.
Whatever, whoever, she is, you both have an obvious soul-bond.
Higher Beings cannot interfere with our freewill, our lives have to be lived by ourselves. They can come to comfort, heal us, show us they are there, connect, share....but not be there constantly.
She has stepped back to allow you to live your life in your own way and follow your destiny, and form other soul bonds, and be who you are.

Remember that, please. Continue to send her heart-love. Make sure you set a time each week -a prayer/meditation-time when you honour what she brought you, and what she is. And send her that love. Then smile, and return to your life.

You will meet again.

[Kelethin]

May I ask for benefit of the doubt? I've never been called an optimist but what if I'm right and I don't have to move on alone, but must restore an ability that somehow diminished?
I'd like to ask what are likely causes that would interrupt conscious interaction with higher beings?

This is my own theory:
I would imagine the only thing that could cause this much hassle is myself, and the only reason that makes sense to me that I would somehow create a mental barrier is fear.
But why would I fear? What have I to fear but fear itself? Nothing right?
I'd like to think I know this, and even still there is the protection of this guardian I seek.

It stops making sense to me right there. Having no reason to fear whatsoever I still kind of do. Howcome I can't overcome this? I've done it before! And now I have seemingly created a snowball of problems. One worry leads to another.
And then it makes even less sense, if I know all this and I know how unnecessary it is to fear, shouldn't that dispel it all and bring everything back under order? So that makes me wonder if that's really the problem.

The other thing I can think of which makes far less sense to me is that I subconsciously wish to make myself miserable. That makes no sense to me because I've no reason to dislike myself.

Can anybody else think of other reasons I have overlooked that seem likely, or may have been your own personal roadblocks that you have overcome or are overcoming currently? Perhaps some fouled up chakra (I'm not entirely familiar with working with them but I'm willing to try almost anything)

I think I'd like to move this thread in that direction, being overcoming spiritual or psychic hindrances.

I would like to state once more that I strongly feel "moving on" so to speak, to be not only unnecessary but illogical, and that the problem is not just being unable to reach her, but the entire spiritual/psychic experience. It would make sense for my abilities to remain intact if it were merely a case of her taking a more passive approach.