My Story *Long*

[itsmeddc]

Just like to share some experiences I had a number of years ago that has had a profound impact on my life. I will preface the story with the fact that it did involve drugs and I know this casts a large shadow of skepticism on things, but bear with me anyways. I'll try and describe the experience to the best of my recollections; I don't expect anyone to take it for anything other than a psychotic break being the circumstance, but maybe there is someone who knows something more about these things that could shed some light on what may have happened, etc.

Sorry this is very long, the whole story makes more sense than the few experiences by themselves.

During the years of 2002 to 2004 or so, my college friends and I had been using a drug called Dextromethorphan HBr (DXM) in it's pure powder form. At high doses, DXM acts as a strong dissociative and hallucinogen. These traits make for a very mind opening experience, closer to the stream of consciousness brought on by LSD or Psylocybin (mushrooms) than the stoned euphoria of marijuana. My friends and I considered ourselves rather experienced with psychedelics and saw DXM as a new way to journey down the rabbit hole to view the world through a different shaded looking glass, rather than a cheap high. We would usually dose late at night and wander out in the neighborhood and have conversations on the different insights we would have on any and all topics. Many times we would notice strange sychnronicities and other wink's of the universe and share them with eachother only to find out that everyone else noticed it and it seemed odd to them, but we always just dismissed it as we had ingested a psychoactive drug. Often I would find myself with a song stuck in my head that I haven't heard for a long while and don't even like, then one of my friends would start humming the same song, sometimes the exact part that was stuck in my head.

One particularly strange time, we (there were three of us) were walking through a park at about 4 in the morning, coming down from a nice but rather uninteresting trip. The conversation we had been having had died down and we were walking in silence, thinking to ourselves. After a few moments of silence I began hearing the notes of some classical music. At first I didn't think much about it as it was very faint, and I had figured it was coming from a speaker somewhere. Only when it started increasing in intensity did I really take notice. What I heard was the most beautiful piece of music. Very lush stringed orchestration, no percussion or anything just the sound of violins, cellos, harps, etc. Only when I asked my friends "where in the world is that music coming from?" did I realize what is going on. "What music?" they replied. "That classical music that's playing... I don't know why there's classical music playing at 4 in the morning but it's amazing!" They both stared at me with furrowed eyebrows and one said "...Dude, there is no music playing anywhere around here. It's all in your head." At first I didn't believe them but upon focusing closer, I realized this to be true. My first thought was that I was going crazy; this was the first time I had ever heard music in my head so clearly and furthermore, I seemed to be composing it! I would think of an instrument and all of the sudden it would make it's entrance into the mix. I sat down in a chair* away from my friends, determined to see where this was going. Soon I had an entire symphony going on, complete with woodwinds, horns, percussion and choral vocals. My thoughts at the time were not on how insane I must be to be to be 'conducting' an entire orchestra in my head, but on how divine the music sounded and how I could somehow record what I was hearing for someone, anyone else to hear. After about 15 minutes of this, I stood up to go join my friends who were on the other side of the park having a conversation at a picnic table. The music gradually became subdued- only a single violin playing a very somber piece but by itself I was able to really see how this was working. I thought joyful thoughts and the tone of the music turned quickly to a energetic jig, the notes seeming to spring from my subconscious right to my 'mind's ear' or whatever would be percieving this. As I walked over to my friends, the music gradually dimmed down until there was silence again. I tried to think of what I could tell my friends, but ultimately I decided not to. They probably thought it was crazy enough that I was hearing music that wasn't there. There was no need to bring it up further being that I knew no one could explain it beyond the DXM. Even if it was just the DXM having a lingering effect ,(I had been 'down' or baseline for a few hours) what an amazing effect it was! I had never experienced anything so profound in past and it left me feeling euphoric (not a side effect of the drug, but a feeling of joy in existence.) Not until about a year later did I have another experience that way.

It was June 14th, 2003. The semester had just ended and I was at my friend's place. We had decided that it was a good night to head out and have a good high level (3rd-4th plateau as they are refered to) trip. I was a bit nervous as for whatever reason, the last couple trip had affected me different than normal. I had intensely uncomfortable jitters for a few hours of the trip, and I was worried this one would be no different. Deviating from the plan, I decided to have a very low dose trip, and enjoy the conversation from the outside of my two friends high dose trip. This was a common thing as oftentimes enjoyed watching the trip from a (more or less) normal state of mind to see how it differed. This night was not to give me that opportunity. After we had dosed, we wandered out to the backyard to talk and listen to music while the drug kicked in. This was more for my friends benefit than mine, as my dose was similar in strength to having a couple beers. About 45 minutes in, I began to feel a familiar feeling in my stomach, almost a flighty feeling with jolts of nervousness running through me. I braced myself for the debilitating jitters and nervous tics that had plagued my last trips, all the while wondering why this was happening with such a low dose. I told my friends of this and we decided it would be best to smoke some marijuana to calm my body down. I did, but to no avail. For the next 30 minutes I had the worst feeling ever going through my body. It was like I couldn't move, but I couldn't sit still. I tried all sorts of techniques to calm my body down but nothing worked. I laid down on the grass and told my friends to wait it out with me. They were in a hurry to head out but due to my obvious discomfort, they stayed by me and listened to music on the stereo. As I laid there, all I could think about was a way to get it to stop. My body felt like it was full of so much energy that the slightest twitch of my finger led to the movement of my entire limb. While I was laying there I was overcome with this thought of energy trapped inside me. Where was this energy coming from, and more importantly, how could I get rid of it? Gradually I began to breath deeply and focus on the feeling. It felt as if lightning was pulsing through my body. As I focused more and more, the energy seemed to shift from my legs and arms to my chest, where it seemed to pool causing me to worry. I thought I may be having a heart attack or some other problem. All my thoughts focused on getting the feeling out of my chest once again. For reasons unknown, the feeling slowly started chaning to a hot pressure or weight on my chest. As I thought as to what that could mean physiologically, something strange happened. I began to imagine this burning pressure in my chest not as burning pressure in my chest but as a hot aura of energy around me. No idea why.. it just made sense at the time. For reasons unknown, this seemed to work. The convulsing stopped, and I felt a calm throughout my entire body, save what felt like a radiant aura of heat/energy around my body. Soon I was able to stand and I was amazed by the feeling. I had never felt better in my life! I felt like I could run for miles. I didn't understand what had just happened, but I was very eager to leave the backyard. I motioned to my friends that I was doing fine and that we could leave. This was the beginning of the strangest night of my life.

[itsmeddc]

We journeyed to the aforementioned park, to the very site of my last described experience. By the time we arrived, my friends were both deep into their trips. Their heavy dose led them to a more introverted trip, with less conversation than the average. After about an hour, one of my two friends decided he wanted to head back to the house to lay down for the remainder of the trip in order to get the most out of it. My other friend decided to stay out, and we had some conversation for awhile before moving to the very chairs I described sitting on in my previous experience. As we sat there, the conversation died down and again we were silent. Not really tripping myself, and feeling absolutely great, I began to admire the beauty of my surroundings. The chairs sit right at the end of a small peninsula jutting out into a manmade pond. In the middle of the pond is a geyser fountain that is usually active during the daytime. Everything was still, other than a slight wind rippling the pond. The moon was at it's peak and was completely full, casting a bright, almost unnatural light on everything. The air smelled of plants and flowers which were planted in the many gardens surrounding the pond. As I sat there, relaxing in my chair, I thought of how beautiful the night was. Even though it was close to 4 years ago, I can still remember every last detail from that night. I started to drift off into deep thought. I started to wonder why I felt the way I did, full of unusual energy and happyness. My thoughts seemed to flower off on a million other tangents, each full of possibility. I decided I wanted to achieve this state of bliss all the time, and sober. I had read much on eastern religion and philosophy, and though I am not religious nor spiritual, reading about how some people attained a constant state of joy and happyness despite their surroudings and other conditions really intrigued me. I believe much of what is attributed to gods and such can be explained by the power of the mind or the consciousness, and though it cannot (yet) be explained or measured scientifically, someday it will be understood. I set a goal that someday I would achieve that grace, unaware on how to do it, only knows that it was possible. I wanted to discuss this idea with my friend, as these types of ideas were always great conversation. He had been silent with his eyes closed for a good while now, and I turned to him, wondering how he was doing. Then the unspeakable (literally) happened. Without opening his eyes or moving from his position at all: "Fine."

Initially, I was suprised that he would say this with no impetus. I began to wonder if I had asked how he was doing outloud. I was confused, but played it off as coincedence. I sat back and thought about the possibilities of communication without talking for a little bit, as I had heard of it, but never believed in it past the realm of science fiction. Nevertheless, I was intrigued. I decided to try a few experiments. The first thing that popped into my head was "can you hear me?" "Yes" came his reply. The response was almost immediately after I thought the question, and it came a low pitched tone, like someone talking in their sleep. Equally amazed and perplexed, the next question came to my mind, "what color am I thinking of?" "Blue." "Are you serious, you can hear this?" was all that I could think of. "Yes." I was dumbfounded. I thought "This changes everything." "Agreed." I was unable to think. I figured it was indeniable this was happening, due to five brief answers to questions I didn't ask outloud. I had to get up a walk, the excitement I was feeling was palpable. I decided to walk around the park and ponder the ramifications of this. The first thing that came to my mind was how to use this ability (if you could call it that) to my benefit, especially monetarily. Next thought was how I could reproduce it in the future. The next was how I would be viewed as insane if I told anyone I could speak to them using my mind. These ideas cycled through my head until I had finished walking the perimeter of the park and found my way back to the chairs. I had decided to talk to my friend again and maybe discuss what was going on, but when I neared the chairs, I noticed he was no longer there.

I decided to look for him around the park and the surrounding area for awhile, but failing that, I went for a walk to collect my thoughts. There was so much to think about, it was overwhelming, but I knew that I was on the verge of something big and had to get it straightened out in my head before I could go back to the house and maybe discuss it with my friends. As I walked around the neighborhood, I was in the best mood of my life. I was still full of energy and the future seemed so bright it was blinding. The sun was coming up and the city was starting to come alive with people making their morning commute to work and such. I wandered around noticing all sorts of things I wouldn't normally notice. The world seemed so vibrant and I felt a connection to every person, animal and object around me. I cannot describe it better than I felt a oneness with life like I have never felt before. In my mind the whole time though, I was futilely trying to determine how this was even possible. Dozens of explanations ran through my head, but figuring which, if any were correct was a fool's game. I made my way back to the house to see if my friend was home, hoping he could shed some insight into what happened. Upon arrival, I was happy to see that he was home, though sleeping. My other friend was there as well, crashed out on the couch. I wondered if it would be a good idea to wake them and try and get some answers or at least information. My excitement got the best of me, and I woke them. As they came to, a million words came out of my mouth. Surely my friend would be able to answer some questions as to what happened.

"Dude, you had a large dose of DXM- it was all in your head. I don't remember anything from last night, but I would have remembered that." I reminded him that I didn't have even one tenth of what he had, and it was barely recognizable as a dose, much less a trip. "Sure but even so, that never happened. You were probably just tripping and didn't know it." Suddenly, my excitement turned to dismay. Not only did I not have the only witness who could corraborate the whole experience telling me that I didn't know the difference between tripping to the point of delusion (something that had/has never happened before) and being the equivalent of tipsy, he stubbornly refused to believe anything like that was possible despite not being able to remember anything and my describing the state he was in. I felt like a fool. My friends likely thought I had gone of the deep end, and maybe I had? They always say that insane people don't know they are insane, and if you think you are insane, you aren't. Where did that leave me? I was confused, but I had to know the truth. I tried to communicate just as I did in the park, but the energy I felt wasn't there anymore and I just got back silence and awkward stares. I decided to take off and go for another walk to collect my thoughts. Thousands of questions popped into my head. They were the ones tripping, I was pretty much baseline. Maybe he was just too far out of it to form any memories or recollections. That would explain him blacking out and not remembering how he got home. The thoughts ranged from logical to just plain paranoid. Finally, I found myself in front of the county library. I decided the best approach would be to research my experience and see what other people have written. Logging onto the internet, I found a trove of information on the subject of telepathy and all sorts of related ideas. I was immediately uplifted by the fact that so many other people have similar stories and experiences, though my one desire was how I could reproduce it. Unfortunately, though logically, there weren't any solid ways to do so, but I was very relieved that if I asked any of these people about the subject, at least they wouldn't think I was crazy. By that time, the feeling of intense energy had disapeared from me, and I was left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I started the long walk home, taking a nap on a bench in a park, where I had a dream (very possibly lucid, though I didn't recognize it at the time) where I was back in the chair, having mental conversations with all sorts of people I had never met before, all the while a halo of fuzzy energy, similar to heat waves emitted from my skin.

To this day, I have never been able to repeat this experience in the slightest, though my interest has continued. I tried many more times to duplicate the conditions of the night (down to scheduling a trip for June 14th the next year) but the feeling of nervousness and the jitters has eluded me, as has about everything else. I have since quit all drugs, save the occaisonal drink, deciding if it were to ever happen again, I would want to be completely sober to enjoy it. The experience has led to me being a voracious reader of anything that could help me reach that state of joy and energy, which ultimately is down a long path of self improvement and personal development. Which is why I am here now. After reading Steve's blog for the past year and pretty much devouring every word written on this site, I decided to post (for the first time) the story of that night. I know there are other web sites that deal more exclusively with this sort of thing, but I have gained more insight, information, and inspiration from this one than years of pouring through other resources. Hopefully by posting this I will help someone else in the same way I've been helped.

[itsmeddc]

Thanks for reading this through, and good luck on you road to personal developement.

Also, thank you Steve and Erin Pavlina, you are true inspirations to what is possible. Thanks to your writing, I have grown considerably over the past year.

[andrew]

I enjoyed your story, and I agree with you that I don't want to be dependent on anything to be able to do these things. But maybe these drugs ARE a way to open certian pathways in your brain, but then again who knows if they just end up trpping you out.

[TheColonel]

Cool story. I believe it's very possible. I think some people can do this without drugs.

[TimDineen]

We are unlimited.

There have been moments, though I've never been able to reproduce them, where I felt as though I could hear someone speaking very clearly, and yet they had not moved their lips at all.
Sometimes in a state right before sleep, my consciousness will drift and I'll start hearing voices. One at a time, a person speaking, always sounding familiar, and usually just one line. As if it were one part of a conversation. Then another and another, continuosly. I know they aren't my mental voice because I'm not controlling what they say.
Then sometimes I'll get this feeling like something is about to happen. I don't know how to describe it. Like a focus of energy that's about to pop. It's happened the most with posters on the wall. I'll get that feeling, look up at the poster, and then it will fall right at that moment. I don't think I'm moving it with my mind. Really I think it's more that I'm sensing potential energy or something like that. I can't duplicate it, it's just something that happens in the moment.
I don't really know how this may help you, but I definitely know this stuff is real. I don't really think it is so much about harnessing or controlling an ability as it is about how everything is connected. So we aren't really seperate from anyone or thing. In our natural state, all is one.

[starseed]

Possibilities open up, when you are open to the possibilities. Drugs throw all of your preconcieved notions of impossible out the window therefore it becomes possible. You can get there without drugs, it takes alot of work and practice, developing the technique and the state of mind. But even just being open to the possibility of being able to do it starts to manifest this. WE are all one unified consciousness and it seems like you were both in a place where you tuned into this source and were able to communicate. very beautiful!

[Liara Covert]

This thread discussion caused me to think of the hypothesized links between LSD and the Salem Witch Trials. Whether or not the bizarre behavior and visions claimed by the accused witches were actually drug-induced states remains a mystery, at the same time as an intriguing possibility:

Ergot Poisoning (LSD) - the cause of the Salem Witch Trials - PBS Secrets of the Dead
Ask Erowid : ID 2167 : Were the Salem Witch Trials drug induced?

[CFPurpose]

Hi Itsmeddc. Nice story. It was an interesting read and you write well. I think that with any drug, our minds could very well be able to access other energies within ourselves but at the same time, it really could all be a hullicination. This is really why ones experiences while under the influence can either be looked at seriously or not so seriously.

As I do not take drugs any longer, I definently had my days in my late teens- early 20's. I never did or have ever heard of the drug you speak of however my d of choice was cocaine. Not a hallucinant but it does spike your awareness. I could hear people talking from miles away and could hear the radio when turned off. I'd turn it on to hear the exact song or person speaking as I could hear when the radio was off. Now wether or not this sprang from the drug, I don't know. I still to this day, WITHOUT THE DRUGS, will have moments where I can hear the radio and it be off. I always check myself and low and behold the same song is on, ect. Maybe there is a part of our brain that is more in tune to sound waves that I inadvertantly opened up? Who knows.

Nevertheless, your story was a very good read.