feeling tired

[Oklahoma82]

I'm very upset with myself today; I let the past horrors of some things I've experienced, and something horrible that happened to me by someone else's doing that led to a very violent awakening inside of me, affect me to the point of ruining my day, and it's only just started.

My life right now is very much still out of my control. It's hard for me even to take a walk and feel comfortable, or like I am not going to pass out or fall down. I have a lot of sadness inside of me over the loss of my father, who passed away many years ago when I was a child, but it's still fresh and hurting inside of me, along with many other things. I really feel like I have failed at life and there is little hope for much of anything in the future for me.

I just turned 27 and am not sure how I feel about this. Ive lost some of my twenties to some very dark depression, and have spent the past two years trying to heal myself but it's been hard and people will always be there to try and drag you down. I don't make that much money and am trying to not let it affect me, and it mostly has not, but it hasn't really been easy, either.

I've had a lot of my finances mismanaged by family members whom I believed were investing properly and it turns out were either not or spending it for themselves, and withholding some from me. I tried to bargain with one of my sisters with this, but she barely budged, and by the time I finally had gotten something from her, I was completely worn down and lost a lot of my control, and spent time in rehab for about a month. Another family member took me home with her and I've been living where I am for the past two years, working most of the time, but despondent internally, with really little or no joy, and feel like I am worn at the end of the line. I just feel like there's nothing.

[themaster]

If you look for depression.. you’re going to find it..

You know deep down that life is not nothing..

You need to really do your best to pick up a optimist attitude.. (this is a suggestion) you should take control of your reality through experiments that will prove themselves via loa..

The easiest way to transition to see life as fun and joyful.. is besides maybe using/understanding LOA is to follow your highest excitement in any moment.. if you can do that every hour, every minute.. believe me life will not be glum it will just get better and better..

Today my grandma died..

Do I feel glum?
Nope.. I feel fine.. doing my best not to get dragged down by beliefs/definitions/fears about death.. I know the truth.. my grandma is a much better place.. assuming she's not already back here in another form on top of which technically she is still alive since time is illusion..

I tend to think we (family) should celebrate my grandma's leaving.. she is in such a better place now

but yah know like most people on the planet.. my family mostly believes death is a bad thing..

[SarahJaynee]

Oklahoma. Grasp at the little lights that you have. You say you feel like there is nothing yet there must be, and you must sense that for here you are on this forum sharing your despair.
We only change our lives when we feel the srtongest of emotions - anxiety, depression, disgust, hate, despair. So what you are feeling right now is a huge GIFT. Many people live in the much worse state of intertia, complacency, boredom and this just compels then to stick with the stautus quo and not move up to the next level of development.
You however are majorly moved. You feel depressed, betrayed, poor, exhausted, despondent. you know what? That is FANTASTIC! You are in the greater position to really make a change, a positive one.
So I've copy/pasted your text and inserted some things that come to mind when I read them. I'm sure it will help you... I've wrote mine in CAPS, not to shout but to make it easier to see.

Originally Posted by Oklahoma82

I'm very upset with myself today;THIS IS THE FIRST HINT THAT IT IS YOUR EGO THAT IS DAMAGING YOU AT THE MOMENT. YOU TALK AS IF YOU ARE 2 PEOPLE, THE "I" AND THE "MYSELF". iT IS THE "I" THAT YOU MUST PAY MORE ATTENTION TO. LET THE "I" BE THE OBSERVER ALMOST AS IF THE "I" IS THE WISE PARENT OF A SILLY CHILD.
I let the past horrors of some things I've experienced, and something horrible that happened to me by someone else's doing that led to a very violent awakening inside of me, affect me to the point of ruining my day, and it's only just started.
WHEN THIS HAPPENS JUST STOP. SIT SILENT AND ALLOW THE FEELINGS TO COME AND GO. NOTICE THEM, BECOME AWARE OF THEM, DONT JUDGE THEM AS EITHER GOOD OR BAD, THEY JUST "ARE", AND YOU WILL EVENTUALLY RECOGNISE THEM FOR THE SYMPTOMS OF GREATER FEELINGS. ANGER IS FEAR, BUT YOU MUST BE IN A QUIET PLACE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO TRACE BACK THE ROOT OF THE FEAR.

My life right now is very much still out of my control. IT MAY BE HARD TO SWALLOW BUT YOU HAVE CREATED A LIFE FOR YOURSELF THAT IS SEEMINGLY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL AND IN THE HANDS OF OTHERS. IT IS YOUR CREATION SO YOU CAN CHANGE IT.
It's hard for me even to take a walk and feel comfortable, or like I am not going to pass out or fall down. I have a lot of sadness inside of me over the loss of my father, who passed away many years ago when I was a child, but it's still fresh and hurting inside of me, along with many other things. I really feel like I have failed at life and there is little hope for much of anything in the future for me.
YOUR FATHER IS SOMEWHERE ELSE. TIME IS ALSO AN EGO CREATION AND THUS DOES NOT EXIST, SO YOUR PAIN AND LOSS IS ILLUSORY ALTHOUGH IT MAY FEEL REAL TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE HURTING.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A POSSIBLE ROOT OF THE FEAR AND THUS THE VIOLENCE AND ANGER YOU FEEL. YOU FEEL BETRAYED BY THE LOSS OF YOUR FATHER AND FEARFUL OF FACING LIFE WITHOUT HIM. BUT REALLY THIS IS AN EXCUSE BY THE EGO (ANOTHER BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW I KNOW). BY LIVING IN FEAR AND PAIN IT GIVES YOU A GREAT EXCUSE TO NOT SHOW UP TO REAL LIFE. WHILST YOU ARE THE VICTIM YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR PURPOSE AND LISTEN TO YOUR TRUE SELF, INSTEAD YOU HAVE A COMFORTABLE NEST OF PITY AND DESPAIR TO WRAP YOURSELF UP IN.

I just turned 27 and am not sure how I feel about this. TURNING 27 IS AWESOME BUT YOUR EGO IS TRANSLATING IT INTO SOMETHING TO REGRET, LOSS, LACK. Ive lost some of my twenties (SEE WHAT I MEAN?) to some very dark depression, and have spent the past two years trying to heal myself but it's been hard and people will always be there to try and drag you down. PEOPLE ARE ALSO THERE TO DRAG YOU UP BUT IF YOUR BELIEF IS THEY DRAG YOU DOWN THEM YOU WILL ATTRACT PEOPLE INTO YOUR LIFE WHO DO DRAG YOU DOWN JUST SO YOUR EGO CAN BE RIGHT I don't make that much money and am trying to not let it affect me, and it mostly has not, but it hasn't really been easy, either.

I've had a lot of my finances mismanaged by family members whom I believed were investing properly and it turns out were either not or spending it for themselves, and withholding some from me. I tried to bargain with one of my sisters with this, but she barely budged, and by the time I finally had gotten something from her, I was completely worn down and lost a lot of my control, and spent time in rehab for about a month. Another family member took me home with her and I've been living where I am for the past two years, working most of the time, but despondent internally, with really little or no joy, and feel like I am worn at the end of the line. I just feel like there's nothing.

OK I'LL END THE CAPS NOW. The last paragraph about your family struggle is just another form of victim behaviour.
You are at a crossroads. You have had years of darkness. There is light and you do know it as you have posted here. Whether you take the initiative and use this opportunity to make some lasting changes is purely down to you.
I would recommend reading lost of uplifting material, staying away from all negative influences (magazines, newspapers, tv, bad food etc). Work on your true purpose and look for love and light in everything that you do and everyone that you see.

There is a new moon on Sunday and this is a perfect time to "start again". Use the power of the influence to write down some changes "wishes" that you want to occur and you should feel the differences immediately.

yOU CAN LOVE AND YOU ARE LOVED, JUST LOOK AND YOU WILL FIND.

[Oklahoma82]

SarahJaynee---
Thank you for your insight---it definitely helped a bit! Inspirational literature does help a lot, I tried seeking some out today---it's hard work to free yourself of depression, but I have made some progress with it, you're right---the power of change could work out? I hope--things could smooth out in time with work