found the block, now what?

[pattycakes]

I posted a while back about anger blocking my psychic abilities. My stepdaughter was recently diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. What that means is that basically she spends all her time thinking up ways to disrupt our family because she's very unhappy, and she's been sending me hate vibes for the past several years. As an empath, I've been soaking all this up and my psychic abilities have gradually become weaker as I've become more and more distressed.

I try various blocking and grounding exercises, but I feel like I live in a war zone. What can I do to shield myself effectively and get my abilities back? I still have moments when I'm 'on' but I'm not 100% myself, and I haven't been for a long time. I feel drained the minute she walks into the room.

[amixa]

is your daughter seeking therapy? any family therapy?
also you become more susceptible to these 'vibes' if you have experienced them before earlier in your life and carry part of it with you. it is to my knowledge (i'm still new to all this) that until you clear all of that out of you you can easily build it back up.
unless you change your situation it may always creep back to you.
i live in .. not the best household but my financial situation keeps me here. i have been seeing a reiki practioner who is helping me but even she says it will be a longer tougher road unless i can move out.
there are things here and there that may help you. i cannot change my family, however.. my reiki practitioner and shaman both use white sage (sometimes called desert sage) (use it as incense) as a way to heal the atmosphere etc. the first time it was used on me no one told me what it was but i felt immediate results before they did.
its helpful to smudge it in your room every month. it is quite powerful. i first did my room. then when no one was around i did my upper floor where most of the bedrooms are. make sure no one is home for at least 45 minutes to allow the smoke to settle. i even snuck it in people's closests but only for a few seconds.
it seemed to work. as my father had been getting quite easily irritated partially because of his bad leg but after i smudged the second floor he hasn't had an outburst since.
but definitely do a little more research on this maybe at a place where you purchase it ask more questions etc. i only recently started doing this myself.
if you can perhaps meet with a reiki practitioner and see what they can do for you.
it is also in my experience and other observations that it is never soley one person in the family that is 'bad'. yes it can happen, but it can also help if you can meet with a therapist to see how to handle the situation yourself as well.. any way to help the 'healing' go smoother.
best wishes

[pattycakes]

We have found a therapist who specializes in RAD, yes.

Read up on the disorder before you judge me.

Yes, it is possible for one person to have this problem when they have the background she has. RAD stems from early trauma and neglect, and in her case the death of a couple of close family members when she was very young. Attachment disorders are extremely disruptive to families, and when you are an empath, which I am, and not good at shielding, which I am apparently not, it's a recipe for disaster.

For several years I have felt my energy drain as I have knocked myself out trying to help this mixed up, damaged child. We finally have a diagnosis and an explanation for the lying, stealing, crazy behavior and complete lack of reason that has had both my husband and I baffled, frustrated and desperately searching for the magic disciplinary method, reward or even bribe to get her to be normal.

Nothing has worked. We tried 'regular' therapy for a year and a half before we found out what was actually going on, and we paid a lot of money for her to sit and lie to 2 different therapists and laugh at all of us.

I have knocked myself out trying to understand her and help her, and it's going to take more than I have left because I have been sucked dry.

In the process, I've lost the ability to tune in psychically in an instant, which I used to be able to do anywhere, anytime. I know it's stress related, and the daily barrage of hate vibes is a factor, too.

I've tried meditation, that used to help, but it isn't helping now. I don't think I ever get to really relax, because with a RAD child you have to be on a constant alert. As I said, read about attachment disorders before you are so quick to judge me, then maybe your advice will be different.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel like I have been under psychic attack for several years. The entire problem with the RAD scenario is that she wants her dad for herself, resents me as an interloper, and feels like I somehow am responsible for her mom's death, which is all ridiculous, but as I said, there is no logic. I may have to smudge my house daily for it to have any effect.

[amixa]

ahh
i'm sorry. i definitely missed the 'step' in front of the 'daughter'.
ok well first off. i didn't mean to come off as you are the problem as to why this person acts this way.
you do sound really stressed, for good reason and sometimes a therapist can give you some pointers on how to go about dealing with this type of condition within your house (if you haven't already).
ok so i realize your daughter was wounded at a young age. hmm. what i meant by all of that, well i'll give you an anecdote so hopefully you can understand what i meant.
my dad was wounded before he started this family. moving up to this day and age he has issues about money. my eldest sister, likes to spend a ton and talk about expensive things and in the presence of my dad and it tends to upset him. now, she's not doing anything wrong by talking about things like this, but it definitely sets him off. i'm just saying she likes say he's the problem when perhaps she could take the time to understand his issue and be more careful as to when she talks about these things. there's obviously more stuff to consider like her spending habits but anyway.
i'm not saying its as two sided as your problem, or that you are the reason why she acts this way i just suggested it to see if there was anything perhaps you could do besides smudging to ease the stress that you experience.
but i am saying that for all these negative vibes you could use if not a therapist to get it out of your system, then yes a reiki practioner to work with you on the negative energy you have collected over the years, remove it and ask if there is other things besides white sage to protect yourself.
i also used to have a hard time meditating and it helped when i started attending these sessions at a buddhist temple. it did include chanting, however you don't have to pay any attention to what you are chanting, its more the experience of chanting that puts you in that meditative state, keeps your mind off things and they have their own incense that helps too. however sometimes what you are chanting is really positive so it can help too. if that's not possible, i suggest calming music with headphones or even tibetan sound bowl tracks (which is what i used).

[pattycakes]

ah. Yes, the ultimate would be if I could actually get some distance. Right now, unfortunately, that isn't possible. I'm the primary, stay at home parent, and we live in a rural area. Very isolating, and I get little respite from the behaviors. I have no support system and we live far away from any resources such as a yoga studio, meditation center, etc. Anything I do, I have to do at home, which doesn't give me physical or emotional space.

RAD itself is so emotionally exhausting and isolating, because you have a child you can't fix with love, and then you have every person you encounter placing you into the evil stepmother slot because these children are so good at acting like you abuse them when you are in public. Strangers think RAD parents are Gestapo-like when they watch their children for every move, but they don't realize that our kids will steal anything that isn't nailed down, and they will lie to other adults and convince them they are being locked in a dungeon and fed fried rats if they are out of earshot. Public outings with a RAD child can be anything from embarrassing to terrifying Sometimes they will attach themselves to a complete stranger who could be anything from perfectly harmless to a dangerous predator...we have no way of knowing. I talk to other parents in a support group who keep psych files on hand for when the cops show up so they won't get hauled off to jail when their child calls 911 for the umpteenth time. My stepdaughter has been so sexually precocious since she was 6 that I'm actually thinking we'll have to get her depo shots soon, which is just horrifying to me. I hate the idea of forcibly doing something like that, but the idea of a pregnant 13 year old is even worse, and she's just too easily led and defiant to take the chance.

My husband was in denial for so long, he's just now gotten the idea that this is really a problem, and now that he gets it, I'm still not sure he understands all of it. He's mostly concerned with the sexual side of it, where I'm more concerned that she doesn't grow up to be a sociopath, which is the ultimate outcome of this disorder when they don't get help. I'm a little afraid it may already be too late for her because it took us so long to find out what the problem was.

And I'm so angry at her mother for doing this to her, for being so apathetic and crazy that she felt abandoned and ended up this way. I know something happened to make her mother the way she was, but I'm still furious with her for what she did, and for all she did in front of my kid to screw her up, because I'm dealing with the fallout. And to be honest, I'm PO'd at my husband for being so blind that I had to do all the research and keep hammering at him for so many years before he finally realized that yes, she does have a problem that goes beyond the normal blended family adjustment hiccups.

I get angry at her for doing such stupid things. Stealing things she has no use for, putting wet clothes in the drawer with her clean clothes, lying about things that don't even matter when she knows she will be caught. I don't understand why she would do this when she knows she will get in trouble.

I think back to the most psychic time in my life, and I was happy, relaxed, and had very little stress in my life. The more stress I have, the harder it becomes for me to tune in, and when I moved in with my husband and started taking care of my now stepdaughter, things started drying up. When I became a stay at home mom the only time I could tune in at all was when we had company and I had a couple of drinks, which most people say blocks them.

I have to be happy and relaxed and it's hard to be happy and relaxed when you feel like the warden in juvenile hall.

[amixa]

ok well i'm not sure what to tell you other then what i told you...
would your husband understand if you took a vacation by yourself?

perhaps it will help you relax, figure out what's most important in your life..
i.e. your happiness?

just had a thought.. would your stepdaughter be open to seeing a reiki practitioner?

[pattycakes]

I'm sure she would, but at this point, if I can scrape up any money for any extra, I will be doing something nice for me. After all the money and effort that was wasted on her in the past year when she was completely jerking everyone around, I think it's time I got a break. We spent a small fortune on traditional therapy and just a few weeks ago got the diagnosis after getting our insurance provider to admit they don't even treat attachment disorders.

Not only was she treating therapy like it was a big joke, our psychiatrist and psychologist were not even telling us the truth about what services were available through our insurance. We're emotionally and financially tapped out. Under ordinary circumstances I could go to work for a psychic line and make some extra money for our family to help out, but with the stress and my waning abilities, I can't even do that.

I'd love a vacation, but who's gonna pay for it? We can't even afford a sitter so I can drive to the nearest town for a normal job. So my husband takes any overtime he can get and I'm alone with the RAD child who hates me. Ironically, she is one of the reasons he's never home, and all she wants is him.

I'm just so tired of it all. We moved away from friends and jobs and now I don't have any kind of support system or way to relieve stress or socialize. If I took a vacation I might not come back.

[amixa]

well how is your resume looking lately.. other then psychic practises?
if she wants her father. perhaps you can sit down with your husband and discuss the fact that you need more time out of the house.. therefore you'd like to get a job too, so he can spend more time with his daughter. i don't think that if all she wants is him and he avoids her can be a good thing either so i think you should take a step in taking care of yourself, get a break from staying at home, and just work *somewhere* to keep you out of the house just for a bit.
if he can't understand that then there is a problem there.
do you live near any sort of park? what about waking up early morning and going for a nice run in the woods.. going back to nature is always reviving.
about you taking a vacation and not wanting to come back -- i just know you need to take care of yourself at this moment in time before you can do anything for other people. my mother was kind of in the same situation when i was growing up, (i wasn't a horrible child though) but she avoided going back home to visit family because she knew she would be happier there and probably wouldn't want to come back. so she stayed, never went back until her mother had a stroke and died. by not taking care of herself, she faded and she definitely isn't as joyful as i remember her when i was little.
so it is so important to tell your husband you do need a break -- if a job can help then you should get one. once that starts and helps.. perhaps the situation won't be as bad so you can take a little vacation with any extra you have made and return home feeling much better.
if a vacation still is out of a question i do suggest the reiki practitioner for both you and your step daughter. i'm sure if you talk to one and tell them your situation they could probably afford a small discount for you both.
i wish my mother would be open to one...

[pattycakes]

I have been out of the workforce for about 3 years now, other than self employment. I have chronic migraines and fibromyalgia that were in remission for a while until I started staying home and dealing with my stepdaughter full time. We moved to a new state, in a rural area and now if I go back to work I'm looking at a minimum of a 1 1/2 hour commute both ways for anything. I don't know if my health is even reliable enough right now to make it possible for me to keep a job. I have multiple chemical sensitivities so prolonged contact with other people's colognes and air fresheners, cleansers, etc. makes me sick, which makes working from home ideal, except for the isolation.

My in-laws are buying a house here, which may give me some relief soon and enable me to go on a job search without worrying about rushing home to meet the school bus. It's just so irritating that I have a natural gift that I used to be able to rely on, and when I need it the most it comes and goes. I don't understand why I was led to this situation if it was going to make me sick. The way things happened I truly believe the universe put me in my husband's path so we would be together and I would be in this child's life, but I honestly have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing if all that happens is I'm sick and miserable all the time.

It doesn't make any sense.

[amixa]

hmmmm
sounds like a very delicate situation.
what about searching for a company or a nonprofit organization that helps people find jobs? tell them your situation.. perhaps something like working from home that *isn't* a scam.

other then that.. perhaps you have to wait for your inlaws. or.. maybe invest in reading with erin? maybe she can help to clarify things..

[pattycakes]

yes, I'm on pins and needles waiting for them to get here for good.

I believe getting out of the house for a few hours a day is the only thing that will get me back on track. Even the most menial job would give me a sense of accomplishment I'm not getting from feeling trapped in the middle of nowhere.

It was different before we moved, I had a support system and could go out for a night with the girls, or drive to various places. Here, it's a major trek to go anywhere, and I have nobody to go with.

Sometimes I think the reason I'm in this position is because I'm supposed to be teaching my husband something...but what if he doesn't get it? Am I allowed to give up? Maybe this isn't my lesson and the reason it's making me sick is because they're sucking the life out of me and it's time to go.

[carenkh]

pattycakes, The whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking - WHY would you focus on your psychic abilities right now, when it's apparent this child in front of you needs your full attention? It's hurtful to me to see the way you talk about her - and I AM familiar with RAD. I'm an unschooling mom, and many, many radically unschooling families have dealt with these sorts of diagnoses - it's the reason why many of these kids aren't in school. But the cure for it is NOT to push the child farther away, and judge her more harshly. It's to connect further. It takes an incredible amount of maturity on the part of the parent - in other words, it's time to think of the child! Not that you can never get breaks or do things to give yourself energy - but the focus really, absolutely, has to be on the child.

Here's an article you may find helpful. Here's an excerpt:

Shawna has come a long way but when I notice even the smallest sign of old behaviors, I increase my interactions with her. Time outs, grounding, punishments, etc, does not work with RAD kids. What I do is limit the number of adults she has contact with and the number of outside activites she has and spend more time with her.

There are some e-mail lists that offer support - not the kind that will just commiserate with you, but the kind that will challenge you to be the best parent you can be. I know it's hard. I also know you can do it!

You can ignore this post if you'd like. But the information and support is there if you wish to transform the relationship you have with your stepdaughter.

[pattycakes]

Mainly because with the commute problem, my psychic abilities are the easiest way for me to make a living and still be here for her. My husband is a workaholic, and I have been here for her 24/7 for years. She has pushed me away, that is how attachment disorders work. She wants her dad. I need to contribute financially to our family, and because of the demands of my husband's job, (I have to work around his schedule too)working psychic lines is the best option for me, but with the stress, I'm finding it more difficult to get tuned in, and my chronic migraines are coming back worse than ever. I spent the first year trying to fix everything while my stepdaughter thought maybe I was just temporary. The last few years have been absolute hell, but rest assured, I am not pushing her, she is pushing me away because she does not want a stepmother. If you really understood attachment disorders you would not say that. I want her to grow up to be successful and functional, but I fear she won't be, and it terrifies me to see some of the things she does.

I belong to support groups, and we are working with a therapist, but in the meantime, if we do not survive financially, we won't be able to pay for therapy at all. I know the constant turmoil is what has caused my health to take a downward turn, and I know it is what is causing me to be unable to relax enough to get into a meditative state.

But if I can't get past the block, that isn't possible. And if I go looking for a regular job, I'm looking at 4 hours of commute time with gas at almost $5 a gallon where I live, so I'll essentially be working just to pay for gas and not accomplishing anything. I'll eat up my paycheck getting to and from work, but I will be getting a mental break.

It's an impossible situation. I feel like I've been under psychic attack for years now and it's made me physically ill. I've been backed into a corner where my only choices are to bail to save myself, or stay and watch everything crumble anyway.

I have spent countless hours searching for therapists who treat this disorder and have finally found one, but in the meantime we have to survive financially. Treatment for attachment disorders is not cheap, and we are not wealthy. We aren't considered poor enough for the state to pay for it, so what do we do? We struggle. My husband works all the time and I have tried to work from home so we wouldn't have the added expense of sitters and more commute costs.

Because of her behaviors I can't leave her alone while I walk outside to do yardwork, even. It's incredibly stressful, and I feel more like the warden than a mother. The stealing, lying and bizarre behavior is a constant thing that keeps me on edge at all times. The second I let my guard down, there is a disaster I have to deal with because I did. It's neverending. I am I prisoner in my own home, and I am expected to earn a living while I deal with all of this. When school is in session, there is an early day once a week and we have so many holidays here it isn't even funny, so I would need extra days off work that every other working parent in my area also wants.

My psychic abilities are the only asset I have that is marketable from a rural setting when I can't leave for 8 hours a day. If I can't relax enough to tap into them so I can work, I'll have to go to the nearest town 2 hours away. I have to wait until I drop kids off for school, then drive 2 hours , so I would not be able to work before 10. Then I would have to be off by noon to be able to pick them up by 2. It would cost me more to get to and from work than I would earn, anyway. Then, wherever I'm working, if someone walks in wearing heavy perfume, I'll get a puking migraine and be unable to work or drive. Who is going to hire me to work with all my limitations? It's crazy.

Now, do you see? The whole reason I started working from home was because it is something I can do without worrying about getting fired for getting sick or having to take off because of my kids. When you are chronically ill you have to think about these things.

And I don't think you understand the full scope of the ER visits. We have gone to have a ring removed that was bought when she was 6, and she forced it on when she was 9 and left it on overnight until her finger turned blue, we purchased expensive platinum custom made earrings for her because she has very thick earlobes and is sensitive to most metals, and she removed them and put what we think were rings from a 3 ring binder in her ears at school and they became infected and irritated, she picks at any minor injury until it becomes larger, and we've been to the ER so many times I think they suspect we are doing these things to her. When we shop, she will trip on her own feet and then cry hysterically if she has an audience. When checked out, there are no sprains, bruises or swelling to be found that day or the next. On 3 different occasions she has either been carted around a store in a wheelchair or had one offered because she made such a scene, and in the end there was absolutely no injury.

I'm not the wicked stepmother, but she sure makes people think so. I am worried about her, but I am also cracking under the strain of dealing with her.

It's funny you link an article from Gregory Keck. I've actually spoken to him personally about my stepdaughter, and he agreed that it may actually be necessary for me to divorce and leave just to save myself. Staying and continuing to fight for this child and my marriage is an act of love, whether you believe it or not.

[carenkh]

Wow! That is SO much to deal with! I'm so sorry your husband is not more available to help.

There are so many details about your personal situation that make it so complicated, and impossible-seeming. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make solutions appear!

Have you spoken with Dayna Martin? She is also a radical unschooler, and while she has not dealt with RAD, her "specialty" is radically unschooling and the Law of Attraction. I have no idea why I'm mentioning her, except she popped into my mind, and I've learned to follow those prompts. Maybe because - it seems like what you can use is some hope, and she offers that in spades. It's possible that because you're not unschooling, she might not be able to help, but she may know of other resources.

To me, it feels like you have backed yourself into a corner. You have specific ideas in your mind about what will work, and because those specific things don't appear to be working, you don't know what to do! There are many places I see you're "stuck" in your beliefs, and a little perspective on that would be really helpful. (That's not meant to sound snarky, I mean - someone that's not you, looking at your situation.) I'm not able to offer that at this time - I should be working right now! and my mind is not fully present for you. Would you be willing to post some of this in another section of the forum? Or - actually just a link to this thread would suffice, so you don't have to write it all out again. Can you pick one of the others? Either "emotional mastery" or "personal effectiveness" or which ever one grabs your attention. There are people who might not read in the psychic thread who can help with that stuckness, and lack of perspective.

I admire your willingness to be open! I know it comes from a place of not knowing what else to do.

And a note: I wasn't linking to the Keck article - I know that was linked to in that blog entry. I was linking to the blog entry. How much have you connected with other parents going through what you are? Because the change in kids I know with RAD didn't come from doing what 'experts' said, it came from listening to the kids. It came from connecting with other parents dealing with the same issue, who want to parent differently. Other people who are experts, not because of the letters after their names, but because they've lived it. Radical unschooling is a major, major shift in how to look at children and parenting. I think that's why I keep coming back to it. It's that type of shift that can engender a perspective change on your work situation. There's a yahoo group linked to on Dayna's page - but again, it's an unschooling group.

Just remembered - The consensual living group also has parents that have dealt with RAD through deep connection and change in parenting styles. It is not just for unschoolers. Joining that group & posting your situation WILL lead to solutions - just not the ones you've considered.

Breathe deeply ~
Peace to you.

[pattycakes]

I'm not connected to anyone, that's the problem. I'm in a new state, I don't know anybody, and I've been isolated in the middle of nowhere dealing with these bizarre behaviors as my family falls apart.

It was someone here who clued me in to RAD and got me started on the path to even getting her diagnosed.

[Mr_A]

I believe psychic abilities are a result of being deeply connected to your feminie side.
Feminie energy is about expressing and connecting but you’re in a situation where there is a limited amount of people to express to. Your main channel of expressing and connecting is your husband but I’m going to make a calculated guess being core masculine and say,
After your husband comes back from working hard all day he just wants to relax but you being a core feminie being you want to express the good, the bad, and the ugly to him. Either he doesn't want to hear it or you’re suppressing your expression, you’re suppressing your feminine, you’re suppressing the channel your physic abilities come through. What your actuality doing here is increasing your masculine side of yourself by being strong, taking the heat, taking command and control of what to express and feel.
When I read your posts all I see is a girl that wants to express, unload and feel, you want to heard and understood. I bet your felt great after that large respond you gave.
You need to express all this feeling to someone, Anyone
If your husband had a real strong masculine side he would open you up so that you could pour your soul out to him.
Only when you find a reliable channel to express your feminie energy will you start getting back your physic abilities.

Now your step daughter
Ever tried to be a kid again with your step daughter?
Play 'hide and seek' with her, play dress up with her, play a game with her any game, be a kid again.
Get a cheap book of magic and amaze her with magic tricks. Kids love magic tricks its like chocolate for women.

So my advice
-Find a reliable channel to express your feminie energy
-Get a cheap book of Magic

[pattycakes]

Well, we had a bit of a breakthrough today with the therapist.

We each have behaviors to modify. He has to stop undermining me, I have to work on letting the past go so I only focus on today's behavior, meaning I don't expect her to do the same things she did last week and remind her about past wrongs. She has to keep trying.

I got a book today When Love Isn't Enough-I've been told it's full of good advice so I'll give it a whirl. I also read some posts in another forum from women who lost their mothers as children and it gave me another perspective. The therapist shared some of our daughter's thoughts with us, and while I wasn't surprised, my husband definitely was.

Overall, when we came together as a family, nobody had taken a good look at what was going on with her and when I brought it up he didn't think I knew what I was talking about because he had already raised on child to adulthood and I hadn't. He's learning the hard way, and now she and I have to work backwards from all the anger because it went on for so long.