Homesick

[Ninja]

I'm trying not to go into "post-teenage angst mode" here, but I'm not making any promises.

I've been having these strange moments that I feel like I've woken up... but not quite. I know it makes about as much sense as a purple banana in a bunnysuit, but what I feel I don't know how to describe with words. I don't think it's possible anyway.
When that happens, almost nothing matters. Not college, not my health, not money, nothing. Some maniak could threaten to run me over with a bus and my plea would probably be "please don't do this to my parents". Because with "almost" I mean that love still matters. But really, that's about it. But it's a positive feeling though, very peacefull. I don't feel depressed, suicidal or detached.

These 'episodes' last very short, five minutes tops. But they feel much longer. After they are over, I'm empty and feel what could best be described as homesick.

I'm actually a bit worried about this. I feel like my soul is sleeping and trying to wake up when it's not supposed to. I don't want to remember what existence was like before I was born. I'm very happy now, but if I knew what 'real' happiness was like, I might be tempted into doing something stupid or (most likely) 'doing my time' and never know happiness again.

Do we only learn the things we are able to handle or can 'the universe' overestimate us? Should I be worried? What's going on?

I hope no one is thinking I'm making this up. I'm not and this has been bothering me for years. I've never told anyone because I don't want to worry them. I'm afraid they'll think I'll bail out before my time is up and I would never EVER do that to them. Even if I do end up miserable, I only have about 60-70 years left to go. That's about one cosmic blink or so.

[Erin Pavlina]

And here I thought I was the only person who knew about the purple banana in the bunnysuit. Boy was I misguided.

I totally know what you're talking about. It hit me in high school and college. I really wanted to go home. Nothing here mattered. Nothing here on earth was as wonderful as what I remembered back where I came from. And I felt that way for years. Until I met Steve. Until I realized what my purpose was. Until I remembered why I bothered to come here in the first place. It sometimes feels like I had to get out of a nice warm toasty bed and step out into the snow without boots. But living has its own charm, its own purpose, its own pleasures. Find your purpose, your pleasure, your reason for being and then you can be awake AND happy at the same time.

[Ninja]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

And here I thought I was the only person who knew about the purple banana in the bunnysuit. Boy was I misguided.

I totally know what you're talking about. It hit me in high school and college. I really wanted to go home. Nothing here mattered. Nothing here on earth was as wonderful as what I remembered back where I came from. And I felt that way for years. Until I met Steve. Until I realized what my purpose was. Until I remembered why I bothered to come here in the first place. It sometimes feels like I had to get out of a nice warm toasty bed and step out into the snow without boots. But living has its own charm, its own purpose, its own pleasures. Find your purpose, your pleasure, your reason for being and then you can be awake AND happy at the same time.

I'm crying now. No seriously, I am. Not bawling my eyes out, but tears are running over my face and I can't stop them. Weird as it may sound, I feel like I'm apparently 'normal'. It's a big relief to know the universe didn't glitch on me. I don't care what happens, as long as it was meant to happen. The idea of my current existence on Earth being nothing more than a system bug is beyond terrifying. If you used to feel like me and found your purpose, I may have one as well. I thought I found it in writing, as nothing gives me greater joy. Maybe there's something else, though I can't possibly think of what it could be. Writing is my bliss and when I write, everything makes sense. I get an 'episode' again (which does last longer than the 5-minute random ones).

[Erin Pavlina]

Writing may be your talent and passion. Add a way to draw an income to it and also find a way to make a contribution with it and you'll be all set!

Read my blog entry, The Path to Purpose if you haven't already.

[Ninja]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Writing may be your talent and passion. Add a way to draw an income to it and also find a way to make a contribution with it and you'll be all set!

Read my blog entry, The Path to Purpose if you haven't already.

I actually have written thee books when I was 16, 18 and 20. The first two got published in a "Jong Talent" series (Dutch for "Young Talent", I live in the Netherlands), but my publisher wouldn't publish the third manusscript. That was my first rejection and I'be been having a writers block on my fourth attempt (an entirely new series, to make matter even more difficult) ever since. I thought I got over it, but maybe I haven't let go of my third 'baby' yet (and I can't find another publisher for it, since it's part of a -failed- trilogy).
The money I earned wasn't enough to build my very own Playgirl Mansion and retire at the tender age of 21, but it's a start. I'm not writing for money, buy the money could buy me more time to write