Blocks for becoming extroverted

[coLLege kid07]

On the way to class...I finally figured out why my goal hasn't been achieved yet. I've been having some conflict regarding friends and their influence on me. I've read the article "Are your friends an elevator or a cage" a few times, but am still kind of confused. I was wondering if someone could clarify what Steve means by "loyalty to your highest self and also to the highest self of others". Also, I've been having some problems recognizing if people are trying to elevate me to the best I can be. Finally, if you've been through this same process, what were some of the blocks you may have had to go through to become extroverted...?

[lizthefair]

I'm not sure one can "become" an extrovert, so I'm going to leave that piece of your question alone, but as for the rest, it's about whether the people you hang around with encourage you to get better, or encourage you to stay where you are (or even move backwards).

One way to look at it is the difference between Survivor and Who wants to be a Superhero? . Both are reality TV shows with only one winner, but to win at Survivor in a lot of ways you need to be your worst self (be selfish, conniving, leverage the weakness of others, etc. The way to win Who wants to be a Superhero? is to be your very best self. To always think about the greater good, to maintain decorum, to help your friends, the weak, etc.

So this is a simplified version, but if your relationships seem more like something you'd see on Survivor and less like what you'd see on Superhero, than you might want to re-think their value.

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

what were some of the blocks you may have had to go through to become extroverted...?

Why would you want to become an extrovert? And we don't permanently become extroverts/introverts IMO. Just because you're an introvert it doesn't mean you are shy or whatever you are connecting to the introvert picture. I think someone being an introvert means someone who likes spending some time alone, but doesn't necessarily lacks in social skills, even though much more introverts lack social skills than extroverts, because they spend more time alone.

So your goal should be to have whatever social skills you need/want.

[Angela]

Like Sam988 says, why would you want to become an extravert? But then again, why would anyone want to be an introvert either?

What I mean is, what good does it do you to identify yourself with a label like that -- that seems to me to be a very self-limiting action.

Also, so many people around here talk as though being introverted and being shy are the one and the same -- but they're totally different things? Focusing inward sometimes is a great thing, and being shy is absolutely a great thing to let go of, in my opinion.

I was once the shiest person in the world, and now I can barely remember what being shy felt like. But I know for sure, no hesitation: my life is much, much MUCH better without shyness.

[coLLege kid07]

Sorry I guess I really don't understand what extrovert means. What I truly meant was to become more social, outgoing, and comfortable in multiple situations...

[The David]

At this point in my life, I am more introverted, but less shy, than I have ever been in my entire life. I think too many people have low standards for friendship, and the temptation for me to lower my standards has been very strong in the past. I have reached a point where I am comfortable being by myself if quality time with others is not a feasable option. Consider whether your introversion is not a strength in disguise.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Also, I've been having some problems recognizing if people are trying to elevate me to the best I can be. ..?

I'm not sure that you should wait for others to elevate you. I agree that friends should be loyal and supportive, however, it's up to you to take responsibility for who and what you want to be.

As far as being shy, that's certainly something you can work on. It takes stepping out of your comfort zone and doing it over and over until you become comfortable with any social situation.

[Jason S]

I'd like to take a shot at the building blocks for extroversion. I think it can be done--I watch people develop in this area all the time. I also think that within the context of looking for positive relationships, it *should* be done.

When I assess corporate leaders, I actually assess natural and learned social behaviors. The "optimal" combination, from my perspective, seems to be natural introversion with learned extroversion... the same thing you're looking to achieve. By natural introversion, I mean that energy comes from within--it's internalized. I prefer that to natural extroversion in leaders because when energy comes from the flow between yourself and others, it can be doubly difficult to disengage from bad relationships and/or make tough, unpopular decisions. I think the rules for leaders hold for self-development.

While the upside of being introverted is (potentially) a greater ability to make tough decisions, the downside is it can be harder to engage with others; because your energy is internalized, "networking" can drain your batteries... yet you have to, since if you can't engage others, you can't get the resources you need to grow/improve/get what you want/lead/etc. Without investing yourself in the relationship, you can't tell the elevators from the cages. So how do you make the shift? A few thoughts...

1. Everyone has a story; try to find it. Ask people where they come from; especially in America, almost all of us can trace our ancestry back to another part of the world... so somewhere in there, someone got on a boat or a plane and came over here... there's a story. In fact, anywhere someone has overcome adversity there is a story to be discovered. Reading a person can be as engaging as reading a book--a favorite pasttime of true introverts--and far more rewarding.

2. Laugh at yourself. A great way to become extroverted is to find humorous things about yourself (maybe even things that were once mortifying?) and share them. When doing so, couple the self-deprecation with a strength so people don't mistake your self-deprecation for a lack of self-respect.

3. Facilitate relationships by searching for the common thread between others. Make it a game to find reasons to bring others together.

4. Brute force. Take an improv acting class, go to Toastmasters, join a stock club. Start talking with sales clerks in stores to practice. WHATEVER. Force yourself to interact.

5. Assume that everyone else is more introverted than you. Take ownership of your interactions. Just walk up to people and introduce yourself. Try it in elevators. Extroverts won't mind. Introverts will think you're nuts, but many'll also silently appreciate your including them in the interaction.

There are two catches to all this: first, the effort must be genuine. If you don't care, don't try; No one likes a phony. And second, when someone doesn't respond well, you have to take that as feedback about you, not them. You didn't connect with them, not the other way around. This approach won't help you connect with everyone, but it will get you thinking critically about your approach, which will lead to continual improvement and a greater "hit" ratio.

Good luck... you'll do great!

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Jason S

4. Brute force. Take an improv acting class, go to Toastmasters, join a stock club. Start talking with sales clerks in stores to practice. WHATEVER. Force yourself to interact.

This really works. I'll second introversion being fine so long as one gets past shyness. I enjoy spending hours at a time doing my own thing, but it's also fun to be perfectly comfortable going out and interacting with people. I've done Toastmasters, sales, improv acting, and will be taking a stand up improv comedy class with a friend starting next week In the past, lots of dating was also useful in getting me past any reluctance to talk with anyone of interest. Now I mostly enjoy having lots of good friends.

[coLLege kid07]

Thanks everyone for your help!!! I appreciate all the feedback. After reading "One of the most important lesson that I’ve learned…" I believe I've found a solution. I don't really believe I've been failing this whole time because of being social. Rather I believe I am very social. It's just that I have never really been convinced of my "product."

You must become so convinced of the benefits of your product or service that you feel you'd be unjustly depriving
people by not doing everything in your power to get the word out.

From some reason I destroyed every effort I've had when it comes to relationships. I never TRULY believed in myself. I've never been truly convinced that people want to know me and I can give a tremoundous amount back to the world. I've learned I must search within myself to find answers and hopefully become the person I dream about. As for being more social I've found adapting the belief of non-duality and steve's articles about extroversion ect. to be very helpful.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

From some reason I destroyed every effort I've had when it comes to relationships.

I hope you don't think that introverts are worse than extroverts in building close intimate relationships. Because it really isn't true.

Where extroverts clearly excel over introverts is building a large number of not-very-close relationships, with a large number of people.

I never TRULY believed in myself.

This is neither a particularly introverted problem, not a particularly extroverted person. Extroverts and introverts can equally lack self-belief.

I've never been truly convinced that people want to know me

Have you asked yourself if you really want to know people? Of course you want to know SOME people but seriously you probably don't want to know EVERYONE or even MOST people in your school / workplace / community / neighbourhood. (It's a phenomenal waste of time, really).

and I can give a tremoundous amount back to the world.

There are no doubt introverted as well as extroverted ways of doing that.