Defusing Arguments and Dealing Negative People

[Scumbag]

It seems that I've been getting a lot of negative people and arguments brought my way lately. Maybe it's the image or frame I project. Over the years I've gotten better at dealing with these traps but still fall victim to them occasionally.

IF anyone has any tried and true tactics for defusing arguments and/or dealing with negative people who try to bait you into their negative frame I'd be interested in hearing them.

[Shamou]

Negativism is highly contagious... when I'm exposed to it I try to run away from it ASAP...

However, if you cannot run away... and want honestly to turn that person around... the only way that you can do it is to give the impression that you agree with the person (to create a connection) and then slowly, very slowly... try to lead to conversation toward the positive aspect of the subject...

Good luck to you...
.

[Erin Pavlina]

Two things work for me.

If someone is baiting me and I know they aren't really interested in my viewpoint but only want to ram their's down my throat, I say, "I'm not interested in discussing this with you." and keep repeating that until they go away, or I walk away.

I think this is a Ben Franklin technique but you say something like, "Some people would say (insert opposite viewpoint of the one the person is expressing)" thus taking no ownership of the opinion thus defusing the other person's ability to argue with you. They have to argue with "some other person" who is not there to defend themselves.

[lizthefair]

Assuming you aren't being baited for the sake of the fight (which is sometimes the case) Asking questions about their point of view is sometimes a helpful way to find some common ground. A stock phrase in my vocabulary is "Hmm, that's interesting, tell me more about that." It works for me 1st because it gives me more time to react from an intellectual rather than emotional place, it helps me understand where the other person is really coming from--which isn't always where I assume they are coming from. Last, asking people questions about their opinion often ends the adversarial nature of the exchange so that real dialoge is possible.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Scumbag

It seems that I've been getting a lot of negative people and arguments brought my way lately. Maybe it's the image or frame I project. Over the years I've gotten better at dealing with these traps but still fall victim to them occasionally.

Do you think you might be creating for yourself opportunities to test your point of view lately? Is there something you've been generating or thinking about that you're looking to prove for yourself? Putting it out into the world could be your way of throwing down the gauntlet -- subconsciously challenging others in order to challenge yourself. What do you think?

[Scumbag]

Originally Posted by Angela

Do you think you might be creating for yourself opportunities to test your point of view lately? Is there something you've been generating or thinking about that you're looking to prove for yourself? Putting it out into the world could be your way of throwing down the gauntlet -- subconsciously challenging others in order to challenge yourself. What do you think?

Realistically this is probably the case. I need to focus more on positive endeavors and projects that help me avoid these negative situations.

[Peleke4]

Originally Posted by Scumbag

It seems that I've been getting a lot of negative people and arguments brought my way lately. Maybe it's the image or frame I project. Over the years I've gotten better at dealing with these traps but still fall victim to them occasionally.

IF anyone has any tried and true tactics for defusing arguments and/or dealing with negative people who try to bait you into their negative frame I'd be interested in hearing them.

Here's an example of how I dealt with a negative co-worker.

I started working in a new career. All my co-workers were cool for the most part, but I did have one co-worker in particular who I just couldn't get along with. He was a seasoned worker who held a position that paid much less than what I was earning. He probably was a dick to me because he resented the fact that I was a younger person getting paid much more; and yet the work we were both doing wasn't substantially different.

The job was already demanding in itself. I really didn't want to put up with this guy's negative energy. I noticed he seemed to be close to another co-worker. So the opportunity came where I was chatting one on one with this co-worker. I told him something along the lines, "You know negative co-worker? He's a cool guy. I like working with him. Tell me about him."

It was obvious that this guy told negative co-worker that I spoke of him positively. Since that conversation, negative co-worker was no longer a dick to me. In fact, we actually became cool with each other. And it makes sense; how can you hate on someone who speaks positively of you?

Had I been negative back, it wouldn't have resolved anything. It'd only make my job more difficult than it already was. My best friend had a similar scenario when he started working. I explained this technique to him and it worked wonders for him as well. I really don't know how I came up with this, considering I wasn't into PD/self-help at the time. Hope this helps some of you here

[ken nubo]

I ignore them.

And if they insist on berating me, I do a flying round house kick to the face!

Ha ha.

Just kidding on the last part.

[SweetMelissa]

Originally posted by Peleke4
It was obvious that this guy told negative co-worker that I spoke of him positively. Since that conversation, negative co-worker was no longer a dick to me. In fact, we actually became cool with each other. And it makes sense; how can you hate on someone who speaks positively of you?

I'm glad this approach worked for you, but I have tried the same thing and the person still reacted negatively towards me. I bit my tongue when she acted rudely, I tried to give her face-to-face compliments and create a real kinship with her and nothing worked. Eventually, I let it all out and she didn't like what I had to say..being lost in her delusions and afraid of truth. Now, she and I never speak or see each other because she felt my retaliation was rude, but all her negative, overly-competitive and rude remarks weren't. Some people you just have to walk away from.

[Peleke4]

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

I'm glad this approach worked for you, but I have tried the same thing and the person still reacted negatively towards me. I bit my tongue when she acted rudely, I tried to give her face-to-face compliments and create a real kinship with her and nothing worked. Eventually, I let it all out and she didn't like what I had to say..being lost in her delusions and afraid of truth. Now, she and I never speak or see each other because she felt my retaliation was rude, but all her negative, overly-competitive and rude remarks weren't. Some people you just have to walk away from.

You're definitely right. This approach won't work with everyone. It seems that for some people, being negative is just their nature. When I encounter people like this, I don't fight it. I simply do what you do and walk away, keep my distance.

[andrew]

I know very little of it, but I learned a bit in a gathering a few times. It's called NVC (non-violent communication). It basically deals with this exact thing. Pretty interesting.

[lizthefair]

It's funny you should mention NVC--It's one of the books I recommend on my "Relationship Advice that Doesn't Suck" page. There are also a couple of other good resources on dialoge (for any relationship, not just romantic ones) so if the kick-boxing doesn't work out for you you might check them out.

[Jason S]

One of the things I do with people I can't avoid is to use arguments to seek feedback from others. I assume that the negativity is a reaction to me, not an unprovoked aggression. Right at the outset, when I see a negative reaction come my way, I'll say something like, "OK, the look on your face tells me that you're angry/upset/etc... did I put that there? Because I didn't mean to, and if I did, I'd like to know what happened so I don't repeat it."

One of two things happens... either I get "No, sorry, I think I'm reacting to something else that I was just dealing with..." or "As a matter of fact, you did." If I get the first reaction, the person generally makes the leap to positivity-land or we mutually agree to postpone our conversation. If I get the latter, I clarify what I hear and immediately take ownership of making the change. I don't explain my side, I don't argue, I simply restate my question/position within the parameters given. If I think the feedback I get is off the wall, I'll come back later--after letting at least a day or two pass, if not a week or two--and say something like, "I've been thinking about our interaction and the feedback you gave me, and to be honest, it doesn't seem to fit. Can we talk about it for a second so I know I'm understanding it right? Things just aren't adding up for me." This gives me a chance to push back at a time when emotions aren't running high. It also signals to the other person that I've thought about things (which I have by then), and I find most people are willing to let me disagree with them if they think I've at least considered their side. Moreover, they're more willing to listen to my side if I've already extended them the same courtesy.

[lizthefair]

That's a good strategy Jason. Especially the part about checking out if the negativity is really directed at you or not. We so often start conversations when we are upset about something else and have no idea that the person we are talking to thinks we are mad/negative towards him/her.

That moment of "wow, you seem upset, Have I contributed to that?" goes so far towards defusing the negativity. Where as getting defensive and/or assuming the person is mad at you without checking it out just ups the ante.