A thought on "taking control of your life"

[Abuela]

As I browsed through various posts, and certainly in a lot of other contexts, I often hear or read folks say "I'm taking control of my life."

I just wanted to put out a lesson that I'm slowly learning, and find out others' take on it: That what I'm also needing to learn is where it's in my best long-term interests to either share or relinquish that control.

It has to do with a combination of things. To borrow from the serenity prayer, part of it is learning to accept the things I cannot change. Another part is the necessity to compromise in all of our relationships, and to sometimes sacrifice self for another or for a relationship, without crossing the boundary into co-dependency, martyrdom, or being a doormat. Another is accepting others' wisdom even if emotionally I'm set on doing something that wiser people are saying I shouldn't do.

So, what do other folks think of this - do you really need to be, and is it even possible to be, in control of your life in all ways all the time?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Abuela

So, what do other folks think of this - do you really need to be, and is it even possible to be, in control of your life in all ways all the time?

If you are not in control of your life... you are like a robot being controlled by outside influences... or worst yet... being controlled by your passions...

And yes, it is possible to be in control of your life if you are evolved enough to have the resources at your disposition that will allow you to have many options available in any situation...

Self-control... and self-mastery are the ultimate quests... and the ultimate victories...
.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Abuela

So, what do other folks think of this - do you really need to be, and is it even possible to be, in control of your life in all ways all the time?

I totally agree with you. It's not possible to control everything that happens to you in life, however you can control how you choose to react to what happens. I also agree that acceptance is a big part of coming to terms with what is not in your power to affect.

[Abuela]

I'm very good at writing quantity without making my point clear, so I need to clarify some things.

In my experience, many folks have confused "being in control of my life" with either or both "doing it all myself to prove that I can" or "thinking only of my own personal best interests."

I have learned that I can be in control of my life and, using that control, make decisions that outsiders may interpret as not being the "right" choice because I've consciously chosen to put someone else's or a relationship's needs above my own personal desires.

I have learned that I don't have to be superwoman - that being in control of my life can and should involve sometimes asking for help and accepting it when offered, whether it be for something as mundane as lifting heavy objects or as emotionally charged as asking for financial or other deeply personal help. On the flip side of that, my offering help doesn't by default make me a good person or demonstrate that I'm in control of my own life enough to be able to help others - sometimes the best choice for being in control of my own life is to sit on my hands, bite my lips, and NOT offer or say yes when asked to help.

I have learned that being in control of my life doesn't mean that I have to make every decision about every little thing that affects me - there is tremendous freedom and personal power sometimes in saying "YOU decide."

[ken nubo]

Speaking of taking control of your life, go watch FIGHT CLUB. That movie had a positive impact on me

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Abuela

I have learned that being in control of my life doesn't mean that I have to make every decision about every little thing that affects me - there is tremendous freedom and personal power sometimes in saying "YOU decide."

Right. It's the difference between thinking to yourself, "I have to act directly or I'm not in control, let me do it" and, "I don't have to be involved, you can take care of this, it's under control."

[Maguru]

You cannot be compromising of self and self-sacrificing and not cross the boundary of martyrdom, unless you have expectation of a return, which then becomes co-dependency. Co-dependency isn't so bad if all parties are aware.

But please don't compromise yourself or sacrifice yourself, but if you must then do it because it is who you are and not for them. Just be yourself and embrace your humanity. Allow yourself the pain of not being the best person you want to be. But let it guide you into who you want to be, not who others want you to be.

This is controlling your own life.

Originally Posted by Abuela

As I browsed through various posts, and certainly in a lot of other contexts, I often hear or read folks say "I'm taking control of my life."

I just wanted to put out a lesson that I'm slowly learning, and find out others' take on it: That what I'm also needing to learn is where it's in my best long-term interests to either share or relinquish that control.

It has to do with a combination of things. To borrow from the serenity prayer, part of it is learning to accept the things I cannot change. Another part is the necessity to compromise in all of our relationships, and to sometimes sacrifice self for another or for a relationship, without crossing the boundary into co-dependency, martyrdom, or being a doormat. Another is accepting others' wisdom even if emotionally I'm set on doing something that wiser people are saying I shouldn't do.

So, what do other folks think of this - do you really need to be, and is it even possible to be, in control of your life in all ways all the time?

[Maguru]

Absolutely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by Abuela

I'm very good at writing quantity without making my point clear, so I need to clarify some things.

In my experience, many folks have confused "being in control of my life" with either or both "doing it all myself to prove that I can" or "thinking only of my own personal best interests."

I have learned that I can be in control of my life and, using that control, make decisions that outsiders may interpret as not being the "right" choice because I've consciously chosen to put someone else's or a relationship's needs above my own personal desires.

I have learned that I don't have to be superwoman - that being in control of my life can and should involve sometimes asking for help and accepting it when offered, whether it be for something as mundane as lifting heavy objects or as emotionally charged as asking for financial or other deeply personal help. On the flip side of that, my offering help doesn't by default make me a good person or demonstrate that I'm in control of my own life enough to be able to help others - sometimes the best choice for being in control of my own life is to sit on my hands, bite my lips, and NOT offer or say yes when asked to help.

I have learned that being in control of my life doesn't mean that I have to make every decision about every little thing that affects me - there is tremendous freedom and personal power sometimes in saying "YOU decide."