Birthday Self-reflection

[Meldread]

I don't promise that this post will be coherent because it is simply a mass of thoughts and rants that I am simply letting flow.

Today's my birthday. I'm twenty-five years old and I have spent most of the day in self-reflection, completely unhappy and unsatisfied. In fact, I've been rather sad. Things haven't turned out as I hoped they would, like I've envisioned. Really, it's my entire fault because of lack of clarity. I'm like a drunk driver on the highway of life, wandering around lost and aimless with only the vaguest sense of where I should be heading. I hate it.

No, really I hate it. I am a capable person. I am intelligent and emotionally strong (well in all the important ways, at least). I know in my heart that I have the capability of doing and becoming anything that I want. I don't doubt my capabilities, because I firmly believe that if I work hard enough I can accomplish anything. However, hard workers are passionate, and if passion is equated with fire, I am a block of ice.

It is not that I don't want to make something of my life; it's that I don't have a clear path to where I want to go. To make matters worse, even the places I want to go, I am not completely sure if I would really like it there when I arrive. As a result, I sit back and just keep riding the ride I'm on and time passes. Life passes. Nothing. I am achieving absolutely nothing.

Of course, it isn't just about achievement it's about challenge as well. I like to be challenged. I like to feel empowered, but in some ways I am really weak. I lack emotional support of friends and family. I have a hugely introverted personality and yet when I picture myself in my minds eye that is not how I see myself at all. (But that is how I am in reality.) Really, this is why I am so down in the dumps. I have mental images of myself that do not match who I really am in reality. No, I don't mean something along the lines of self-delusion; I mean something more along the lines of who I would LIKE to be as compared to what I really am.

It seems as if these two things are completely out of sync. When I look in the mirror and see what I am, I dislike it because I want to be something else, always something more. I am an introvert, for example, but I crave the ability to be extroverted, yet seem to lack the ability to achieve it. I simply don't feel comfortable, it is as if there is something emotionally stunted in my personality that prevents me from doing what I want. It is as if there are subconscious controls that sabotage me at every turn.

I have the ability to feel passionate about things, but when I feel passion, it is always too much. I work too hard and I burn up all my "fire" before I am finished. Then something else takes my attention and I ultimately abandon what I started. It wasn't that I lacked passion; it's just that I burned myself out. Really, that is a common theme in who I am - a flaw. I am an extremist. I seem to gravitate toward the ends of the spectrum in everything I do. When I work, I work hard; I throw everything I have into it. I don't like to stop until I am done, but when something takes a long time I simply can't manage it. I burn up all my enthusiasm in the beginning, because when I want something, I want to make it manifest as soon as possible. When I am passionate about something, I seem to lose all realistic perceptions and begin to get discouraged when I run into obstacles that prolong achievement whatever goal I've set out to accomplish.

Of course, there is just so much more. I've allowed myself to be paralyzed by indecision because I want to be "responsible" and make the right choices. In the process, I end up making few if any. It seems silly, yes, but I know I am not the only person who does this - a lot of people do. I am afraid of taking risks because I am both afraid of failure AND success. With success comes responsibility and I fear not being able to handle it, even as I crave it, even as I long for it.

I feel like I'm being unduly punished. Everything I want in my life seems within my reach, but I seem to lack the ability, for one reason or another, to simply reach out and take it.

It is easy to say: "Well you don't want to be introverted anymore? Well stop it!" If I could stop, then I wouldn't have a problem. All of the problems I have are exclusively my own fault and rest upon my own shoulders, and are within my power to fix and correct, but I seem to lack the ability to do so. I seem to be emotionally trapped and I don't know how to get free.

[Angela]

Meldread, you're so busy trying to get somewhere, you're overlooking the most important thing of all: You Are Here.

You are alive, in this moment, and this moment now is all you have. That will always be true.

Don't squander your Now, trying to get something or do something or go somewhere. As Maxie Power says, "Now is where it's at!" You are being given the best birthday present of them all Right Now -- accept it, and say Thank You to the Universe. Generating gratitude is something you will NEVER regret.

Happy stinkin' birthday, and welcome to this forum!

Lots of love and candles and cake,
Angela

[Ree]

Hey Meldread, happy birthday to you and many more! Today is my birthday, too. I've had twice as many birthdays as you've had. Reading your post made me smile, because I remember being at a point in life when I had no idea where I was going or how to get anywhere. I'm happy where I am now, but if someone had told me 25 years ago that this is where I would be, and this is what I would be doing, I wouldn't have believed them.

Angela gave you some excellent advice. All you have is this moment, right now. There's an excellent book entitled "The Power of Now," which might be helpful to you.

What I would say to you is don't take yourself so seriously. You sound like a very serious individual and I hope that you find time, and reason, to laugh out loud every day, several times a day if possible It's especially helpful if one is able to laugh at oneself.

I would also say to you to take care of yourself. Treat yourself gently with kindness. Indulge yourself with a day at the spa or a fabulous lunch at an exclusive restaurant or maybe just a day to devote to reading something for pure pleasure. There is pleasure to be found in life, but I'm afraid you're so busy and so distracted that you're overlooking it. In fact, you may be overlooking life completely.

This isn't a dress rehearsal, you know. This is it!

[Meldread]

Thanks both of you. Your responses actually made me feel quite a bit better. Also, a special happy birthday to you as well Ree.

I really should have spent the day better, instead of moping I should have enjoyed myself more. Instead I treated it like any other day, and was sullen for most of it. It's just that I feel that I've reached a point in my life where I should be able to more clearly see the future, and realize where I should be going.

Although, I suppose you're right Ree. I am perhaps an overly serious person, but I do enjoy myself from time to time. Of course, I could stand to have a few more laughs.

When I made the original post it was mostly my attempt at expressing how I was feeling. I needed to just somehow find a way to vocalize what I had been feeling all day and I'm glad I did. I just wish I had both of you as little voices in my head to whisper encouraging thoughts.

Even so, I still need to focus. I need to make some decisions in my life, and deal with whatever consequences result. Most of my fears and feelings are irrational, but that doesn't make them any less difficult.

[Ree]

Originally Posted by Meldread

Even so, I still need to focus. I need to make some decisions in my life, and deal with whatever consequences result. Most of my fears and feelings are irrational, but that doesn't make them any less difficult.

I can absolutely relate to that! I was a champion worrier when I was younger. It really prevented me from enjoying life and enjoying the things I had already accomplished and accumulated.

Looking back, I am able to see now that 99.9% of the stuff I worried about never even happened..... and the tiny bit that did happen was easily handled, not so much by my own doing but by fate or kismet or ..... LOA

I firmly believe that the universe falls into place for us when we let it.

[Ilya]

Meldread,
I wish you a happy birthday, and I should say, that your description fits me, when I was younger. Angela and Ree have given you wonderful advices.

I don't promise that this post will be coherent because it is simply a mass of thoughts and rants that I am simply letting flow.

This is good, like journaling it can make us feel better.

Things haven't turned out as I hoped they would, like I've envisioned.

Is is something specific that haven't turned out like you've envisioned? You don't have to answer here, but just try to make a list of what you don't like.
First, it will vent your frustration. Secondly, it will create a list of written down goals to work on, or a list of project in GTD sense. Finally, at some point you will realize that you have nothing else to write about. And however long this list would be, it will not be your whole life.

Really, it's my entire fault because of lack of clarity. I'm like a drunk driver on the highway of life, wandering around lost and aimless with only the vaguest sense of where I should be heading. I hate it.

It might not sound right to you, but you are still young. Not as young as a 16 year old, but still young. And it is ok not to reach your goals at your age yet. "Yet", being the word here. You are already on your way. It may seem confusing to you at the moment, but you are already going. Some routes take some time, and the road to ourselves is among the longest.

No, really I hate it. I am a capable person. I am intelligent and emotionally strong (well in all the important ways, at least). I know in my heart that I have the capability of doing and becoming anything that I want.

Ok, you don't want to become anything. You want to become someone very specific. You want to become the best you. It is not the same as being everybody.
When we are kids, we have this illusion that we can be best in many things simultaneously. To be a Nobel Prize winner in literature, an astronaut, a great composer, a painter, a traveller, a physicist, a chemist, the wealthiest guy in the world, a catholic priest and a buddist monk.
We can be many of these things by the end of the life. Some great people were great in many areas. But it does not happen overnight, and it does not happen in 25 years. Even when we choose our occupation, we can expect to achieve mastery in about 10 years. For you, 10 years is a huge amount of time, it is almost half of your conscious age.
I'm not much older then you, I'm 27, but I can say that the rate of my development is not slowing down, it is increasing. In my last two years I've done and achieved more then I did in the previous 25 years. But I needed those first 25 years, to have these last two years.
I remember that at some point, I thought that I'm going to be alive in 10 years and in 20 years and much longer actually. I don't mind for some things to take time, if time is needed to do them right.

I digressed somwhat. What I wanted to say is that you didn't find you purpose yet. Purpose is a big word, but it is simple - something you like to do unconditionally. And since we have so many options these days, it may be really frustrating and time consuming to tune into your purpose. You may need to try the things out, you may need to do "nothing" and listen to yourself. This is one of the core questions of PD, really, so don't consider the time you spend searching for your life purpose a waste.

It is not that I don't want to make something of my life; it's that I don't have a clear path to where I want to go. To make matters worse, even the places I want to go, I am not completely sure if I would really like it there when I arrive. As a result, I sit back and just keep riding the ride I'm on and time passes. Life passes. Nothing. I am achieving absolutely nothing.

Life is not about the destinations. It is about the process. This is the other way to state "live in the now" idea. There are a very few destinations out there, that justify miserable route. On the other hand, if you are happy while on the go, you can go anywhere and still have a worthwhile life. So, try to enjoy your current moment.

Of course, it isn't just about achievement it's about challenge as well. I like to be challenged. I like to feel empowered, but in some ways I am really weak. I lack emotional support of friends and family. I have a hugely introverted personality and yet when I picture myself in my minds eye that is not how I see myself at all. (But that is how I am in reality.) Really, this is why I am so down in the dumps. I have mental images of myself that do not match who I really am in reality. No, I don't mean something along the lines of self-delusion; I mean something more along the lines of who I would LIKE to be as compared to what I really am.

Now, that mental image you see, is your goal. It is ok to acknowledge the difference between your desired self and your current self. But it is more useful to focus on the ways how you change to become your desired self, rather than to focus on the fact that you are not there yet.

I am an introvert, for example, but I crave the ability to be extroverted, yet seem to lack the ability to achieve it.

Now, I don't know what you call introvert, but I have to say that this is an invented thing. As any binary division of people, the division between introverts and extroverts is hugely inaccurate. Thinking about it this way forces you to be one or another, without any transitional area.

Even if we think about introvert it does not mean "a shy person", it is not even a synonym. Introvert is a person, who gains energy, when he is alone, and loses the energy when around other people. Being introvert is not good or bad. However, since introverts tend to spend a lot of time with themselves, they have a lot of practice thinking. So it is said that introverts make 60% of gifted people, while they make about 30% of general population.

Being introvert is something that would be hard to change, but there is no real reason, why you should do it. Being introvert does not prohibit anyone from having great social skills, be a star of the parties, speak publicly and so on. And while being introvert may be a given, but all the rest are skills and you can learn them gradually.

I'm an introvert, but I've developed my social skills over time and can be very effective with people. I can conduct seminars, speak in front of people, make girls laugh at the parties, and attract attention of the people when I need it.
So can you. I won't go into details, there are a lot of skill development resources in this area and on Steve's site. Have a look at it.

When I work, I work hard; I throw everything I have into it. I don't like to stop until I am done, but when something takes a long time I simply can't manage it.

I picked this part of the passage, because it is the key here. Some things are not sprints, they are marathons. And sometimes, most of the time for the serious goals, you have to go slower, but steadier in order to succeed.
When I was younger, I've discovered, that I wouldn't start any task if it could not be finished in less then one waking day or a day plus an all nighter. It seriously limited my options. And I had to practice, taking a task and doing it in short daily sessions. It is tough, but can be done.

Of course, there is just so much more. I've allowed myself to be paralyzed by indecision because I want to be "responsible" and make the right choices. In the process, I end up making few if any. It seems silly, yes, but I know I am not the only person who does this - a lot of people do. I am afraid of taking risks because I am both afraid of failure AND success. With success comes responsibility and I fear not being able to handle it, even as I crave it, even as I long for it.

Practice, practice again. There are no bad decisions. If the decision is not obvious straight away, then all outcomes are acceptable. There is always a second chance to fix stuff, if you've messed up. It is better to make more quick decisions then one monumental. It is again about the destination and the route. There is no solution to life and no ultimate decision to be made. It is just the torrent of small relatively unimportant decisions that make up the life.

I feel like I'm being unduly punished. Everything I want in my life seems within my reach, but I seem to lack the ability, for one reason or another, to simply reach out and take it.

True, I've been there. In fact, some of the things you think are easy to get, are not that easy to get at all. And your subconsious may be protecting you from this realization, but not letting you try. This way it puts all things hard and easy outside your reach. If you practice piecemeal execution, I've described above, it won't matter if do not get the result fast. You well get it eventually, while having fun along the way.

It is easy to say: "Well you don't want to be introverted anymore? Well stop it!" If I could stop, then I wouldn't have a problem. All of the problems I have are exclusively my own fault and rest upon my own shoulders, and are within my power to fix and correct, but I seem to lack the ability to do so. I seem to be emotionally trapped and I don't know how to get free.

I hope some ideas, I've wrote about, will show you that most of the problems you are facing are skill-based. It was very empowering for me. You'll still have to do you own stuff, but it helps to know, that the problems you are facing can be solved. And the solution has the beginning, which can be easily started.

[Meldread]

I want to thank you all again for your replies. I've read each of them and have taken them to heart. After contemplation I've decided that I needed to examine myself closer and really search for the root of my various problems. Even if I fail in finding it, some self-examination is always helpful and should lead me toward at least some improvement. (And through finding improvement hopefully happiness.)

One of my core problems is time management. I don't know about other people, but I imagine others who are poor at managing their time might feel the same way. I'm afraid of really trying to properly manage it because I know when I look down at how I spend my time I'll notice I waste most of it. I want to be an effective person. No, it's not only that. I want to be a PRODUCTIVE person.

To that end I've downloaded a Desktop Calendar and Personal Planner. My goal is to not only try and fill my days with productivity, but to also have a way to track how I spent them. Think of it as the cliff notes of my life. I also want to try and eat healthier and to that end I want to use the planner to schedule my meals out ahead of time. It'll also have the side benefit of helping in grocery shopping.

My second major problem is past emotional scars that just never seem to heal. I carry around a lot of emotional baggage from my early teens and twenties. I've come to terms with most of it, but the pain it causes still lingers. I am not sure how to overcome it, and really it is probably the most critical issue I have in my life - the one thing that holds me down the most. It is the literal root of my problems, and I think if I can find a way to overcome it the sky is the limit.

I've never been a big fan of taking risks, but I feel that I need to let go of the fear holding me back and take more chances. I would like to learn more about the stock market and do some minor investing. I'm insanely frugal with money. No, really I squeeze good old George Washington until he begs for mercy. Learning more about the stock market, doing some minor investing (penny stocks - nothing huge) should help me learn to take risks. It's hard for me to let go of money, and really if I end up making money as a result that'd be a good thing. However, that really isn't the goal. The goal is to help myself learn to take risks. It's something I can do from home, without taking a lot of time (hopefully), and could be potentially beneficial. If nothing else, I will have learned about the stock market and that should always be helpful to me.

Those are just three things that really came to my mind. I'll likely expand and alter them later on, but I feel it's a good start.

[Angela]

Meldread, what do you want to BE?

If you were being productive and eating right and healing your past scars and taking risks,

.....what would you be BEING? Can you narrow it down to one positive, inspiring, invigorating way of being that would light you on fire?

[Meldread]

Honestly? I don't think I can. I just can't name a single thing, because I have a large amount of interests and almost none of them compliment each other very well. I think I've managed to find a middle ground, because I enjoy the idea of potentially running a business and the opportunities it could afford me to branch out into multiple areas of interest.

The problem I've always run into is that of being unable to take large risks. I can't really be effective in -any- sort of business without taking risks, and as a result haven't really been able to put in the effort required. Part of my hope is that I'll be able to overcome this problem, and use my productive time by possibly taking courses that will lead me in that direction.

[Angela]

I didn't mean to imply that if you pick one, it eliminates any other possibilities. Are there ANY ways of being (one of an infinite number of others you could also choose, in addition) that inspire you, invigorate you, and light you on fire?

What would you be being, if you could be anything you want?
What would you be being, if you were having everything you want?
(I'm talking about a way of being -- a personal quality or condition, not a thing to be like "a time management specialist" or "successful businessman")

[Meldread]

I would be in a successful relationship with someone who can inspire me to grow as a person in all aspects of my life. I would have enough money set aside where I would not have to worry about taking risky ventures, and I would have the knowledge to take risks wisely. I would be challenged and be seeking a way to achieve my full potential (whatever that might entail), which would all, combined together in the end, ultimately make me happy.

If I had all of that I would certainly feel invigorated, inspired and on fire. In fact, I don't think I could ask for much more.

[Max Power]

Originally Posted by Meldread

I would be in a successful relationship with someone who can inspire me to grow as a person in all aspects of my life. I would have enough money set aside where I would not have to worry about taking risky ventures, and I would have the knowledge to take risks wisely. I would be challenged and be seeking a way to achieve my full potential (whatever that might entail), which would all, combined together in the end, ultimately make me happy.

If I had all of that I would certainly feel invigorated, inspired and on fire. In fact, I don't think I could ask for much more.

Mel,

The secret is in the way you reference your life.

I would like this, I would do that, I would not have to worry

Creative source only knows two things.

1. It exists right now
2. It exists right now

Whatever you're observing........you're creating. Every single thing in your life is the sum total of everything you observe and to observe is to think (choose) and to think is to create.

There is no such thing as passive witnessing, it's all creative observation.

Observations are thoughts and all thoughts are choices and all choices manifest. So choice/observation are the same thing and they output into your life immediately. Imagine creative source as the most powerful manifesting machine in existance, but it has one flaw (it's actually a good thing) it cannot the tell the difference between reality and observation.

Whatever you're observing, it renders into reality and if you look at your life, then that is what you are observing.

Enjoy!
Max

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Meldread

I would be in a successful relationship with someone who can inspire me to grow as a person in all aspects of my life. I would have enough money set aside where I would not have to worry about taking risky ventures, and I would have the knowledge to take risks wisely. I would be challenged and be seeking a way to achieve my full potential (whatever that might entail), which would all, combined together in the end, ultimately make me happy.

If I had all of that I would certainly feel invigorated, inspired and on fire. In fact, I don't think I could ask for much more.

Ok, I get that if you had a successful relationship, had security and knowledge to take risky ventures, had challenges and were seeking a way to fulfill your potential, you would be happy.

It sounds like Happy is the way of being that would invigorate you, inspire you, and light you on fire, right?

So, are you sure you have to have all that stuff BEFORE you can be happy? I'd like to invite you to skip the middleman and generate what you really want -- Being Happy -- right now.

"Tomorrow is too late. Don't defer your happiness to some nonexistent tomorrow. Let yourself be happy today." -- Stephen Pollan, "It's All In Your Head"

[carenkh]

A question I asked myself many years ago was, If I had infinite money, infinite time, and infinite energy, what would I do with my time? What would I want my life to look like? Then figure out a way to get that with what I have now... which appears limited, but really isn't. You may find that question helpful in your quest!

Gassho ~

[Ilya]

Meldread, this is scary.
I'm reading your posts and it is like listening for myself a few years back. You know what? Everybody is going to tell you to be happy, to change in one way or another. I'll tell you - keep going. Keep doing what you are doing.
I know this is painful. When I was in the situation like you describe, I didn't have a friend or a close person for 15 years. The last five years at school people used to tell me "Get lost!", whenever they saw me. I was a walking joke. I had just emerged from a devastating experience of first and unanswered love. Nobody who would understand or support me. I had to live on $300 a month and can tell you some frugality horrors from that time. I was alone and lonely.
And I was scared. Insanely scared, that the path I was walking almost on a hunch could be wrong. I was in doubt, if I should quit the low paying, but loved job and start building a profitable career. I received disapproving looks from my parents and relatives. I saw my classmates earning 20 times more then I did at the moment. And all I had to my defense is a book from Kiyosaki and a gut feeling that there is something to it.
I'm not boasting here, I just want you to understand that I really understand what you are going through.

And you know what, It all turned out great. I'm financially free, socially adapted, married and happy. I've passed my classmates in terms of wealth and happiness, although I don't aim to compete with anyone. And it did take me many years of figuring out what I want to be. I had many false "revelations", many dead-ends. And it turned out to be something that I never expected.

You are doing great, my time-management was in such a mess, that I didn't do anything about it until just a few years back. You are really doing something.

Emotional scars do not heal themselves. You need to deal with fear and accumulate some positive experience. I had to find people who would accept me as I was. They were also marginals, and I outgrew them by now. But it was an amazing feeling of warmth after the years of winter in my soul, when I could open up to another person and not be stabbed in the heart. It gave me enough resources to go on and start adapting in the society, to trust people and to discover that the world is not as cruel as it seemed. Later came friendships, love and happiness. Don't forget that the ability to feel strong pain it the other side of feeling strong joy, strong compassion to others and strong happiness.

I fully support your pursue of the financial freedom. It starts slowly and painfully, but it will get you there. Stick to it. Learn about stock market, learn about index mutual funds, they should get you going. I still remember the time, when I've invested my first $1000. It took me almost a year to save it, i've invested it and earned my first $10 of passive income. I was ecstatic.
Last week I've made $3000 and my first $10 are still working for me and will work for may years to come. I'm no financial guru, my secret is simple - ruthless frugality and relentless investing. And you are already doing the hardest part of it.

So good luck to you, you are doing great and your life is going to become great. And it will happen soon.