How do you deal with Gold Digger Relatives?

[VetTechJess]

I often think of this scenario when I am thinking of business owners that went from rags to riches based on a great business idea. In this case I will use Donald Trump as an example:

Lets say for the sake of argument that Donald Trump built his massive empire he has today, along with the millions and billions he has today--from scratch. I am pretty sure he did but Im not for sure so thats why I put that.

My questions are how do ppl like him (and you) deal with gold diggers?

Mind you we are not talking about spouses here, we are talking about ppl who you cannot get rid of: Relatives.

Either Biological Adoptive or In Laws, theyre the type of ppl for the most part you cannot get rid of with a simple pre nup.

I was wondering how one would deal with a relative, or group of relatives that, before you struck it rich with your "diamond in the rough" Idea, were acting towards you with such a high degree of toxicity that it just blew you away. My question is how they would act if your idea took off like a rocket ship to the stars making you wealthier than your wildest dreams...?

would they try to be all fake and ass-kissey, or would they think theyre somehow entitled to part of your hard earnings simply because theyre somehow related to you (despite the fact that in the past they treated you like the scum of the earth???)

How would you deal with it in those situations??

[RT Wolf]

Is this a hypothetical question or motivated by something in your life?

Thankfully, I don't live near any of my relatives, but if any did try that, I'd give them a copy of some book on success and tell them that that's all they're going to get from me. Maybe The Wealthy Barber or Automatic Millionaire, or Goals! by Brian Tracy or something. On the cheaper side, I might just recommend either this site or give them a link to something. They might recognize that I might have given them a gift greater than money (a la give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime), or they might not, but then I'd just wash my hands of the matter.

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

Is this a hypothetical question or motivated by something in your life?

kinda both...

I do remember having the discussion when I was younger with members of my own family if the subject came up....

Also I do have some iffy relatives that may try to be gold diggers should I strike it rich...

So I would need some advice just in case...Better to be atleast prepared for the possibility with the right things to say and do than be wedged between a rock and a hard place, proverbially hit blindsided like a sitting duck not knowing what the hell to do...

[Dan.Linehan]

I would just ask them what they want to buy and buy it for them if I considered it worthwhile.

*shrugs*

[seeker5]

Lets say for the sake of argument that Donald Trump built his massive empire he has today, along with the millions and billions he has today--from scratch. I am pretty sure he did but Im not for sure so thats why I put that.

Good thing you said "for the sake of argument."

Just for your info, he didn't build his empire from scratch. His father had built a very profitable apartment renting company that I think was worth tens of million of dollars or maybe even $100M. I remember reading from a bio that they had thousands of apartment complexes all over New York City. What Donald did was take the helm of the business and dramatically expand the worth of the business by building skyscrapers inside Manhattan, something his father had avoided doing. Nevertheless, what Donald Trump did is still a great success story.

[Nelson]

Would you be willing to give any of your wealth to the poor and homeless people of this world?

If you answered yes, then you shouldn't have a problem giving your money to relatives.

Giving your money to charity is essentially givign your money to someone you don't even know. Poor people and homeless people are not neccesarily any nicer than your "gold-digger" relatives.

So why give away your money with a judgemental attitude? Your relatives are just as deserving as any homeless person no matter how nasty they have been to you.

There will probably be a time in the future when you will need the help of your family. Invest your time and money into your family in the NOW so that you may reap the benefits. You will enjoy the giving just as much and you will gain something for it as well.

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

I was wondering how one would deal with a relative, or group of relatives that, before you struck it rich with your "diamond in the rough" Idea, were acting towards you with such a high degree of toxicity that it just blew you away. My question is how they would act if your idea took off like a rocket ship to the stars making you wealthier than your wildest dreams...?

How would you deal with it in those situations??

I wouldn't give them a single penny. Unless they are from my close family(mother, father, sister, brother), i wouldnt give them anything, unless they were starving to death; in this case i wouldnt bother more than to feed them.


If they got all bitchy at you saying you are very selfish, i would be straight with them and tell them to go screw themselves because you have no obligation to give them anything (theres no legal obligation to even feed them but do it just for charity). They would be trying to make you feel guilty, therefore trying to manipulate you (they would be accusing you of being this and that).


btw the idea above of buying them a self development book is good. If they dont change after that then they really dont deserve anything

[RT Wolf]

^ Read Ayn Rand? The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, sounds like what you're saying.

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

^ Read Ayn Rand? The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, sounds like what you're saying.

Are you asking me? If so, nop, i've never heard of any of these.


What i said is just the way i think i would handle the situation

[Lynn 007]

For me, I know who my friends are and I know who my close family are. I would not feel obligated at all to become a bank dispensing machine and offer free handouts. If relatives don't have the time for me now when I don't have 10M in the bank but all of a sudden they want to become my bff when I do have 10M..........it wouldn't work for me.

I recall when I was in my early twenties and my grandfather was very sick, My mum and aunt (who is a nurse) took turns taking care of him at the house he lived in for the past 60 years He was 101 when he passed away and he wanted to die at home. Between the two of them they had him on 24 hour watch. The day he died we called the funeral home to get the body and within 2 hours, two of my aunts, who hadn't even called or offered to take a shift from either my mum or aunt arrived with post it notes in hand. Their names were on the post-it notes and they went around the house attaching the notes to the antique furniture they wanted. The body hadn't even left the drive way and they showed up looking for a handout. I was shocked at the cheekiness of it. These were two of my favourite aunts but when that happened I could never look at them the same. That day had a profound impact on me, not only because I lost my granddad but the disrespect his own kids had was an eye-opener. It was also a bit creepy knowing a dead person was laying in the bed down the hall.

I wouldn't see anyone living on the streets but unless you're my close family or close friend now, you won't be retiring or having any major lifestyle change compliments of me.

[RT Wolf]

Sam988, Steve recommended them, too. I'd recommend checking them out, at least look up Rand on wikipedia. I don't necessarily agree with it, but it is food for thought.

[kaushal1]

I would surely give many to my relatives if i get rich as i think after all they are our relatives and if i can offer any kind of help to them then it would be my great pleasure.

[Ree]

We actually had a relative hit us up for handouts several times. Once we helped with some small expenses. Then the requests got bigger and bigger and we refused. This individual is a grown man who was at that time in his 30s. Finally, we offered to take this person into our home and give him a place to live rent-free and utility-free while he went back to college to finish his degree. Our offer was good only until he got his degree and we also made it quite clear we expected him to find a part-time job for spending money. He very quickly said, "No, thanks." He didn't want to improve his lot in life. He just wanted to mooch.

Obviously, anyone can get into a financial bind and need help once or maybe even twice in a lifetime. But for someone who repeatedly has his hand out, no sympathy.

[Lynn 007]

I would open my wallet to anyone wanting to help themselves BUT I could not with a clear conscience help family or friends looking for a handout.

I have to be realistic I have people like that in my family. I would rather give my money to a kids camp or donate to a worthy cause then give to someone I haven't heard from in years.

[Keith]

VetTechJess,
Your scenario is vague and hypothetical so it's hard to give any useful concrete advice. I would say to just judge any request for money (from your relatives or otherwise) on its merits.

It sounds like you're fretting about a problem that you don't currently have and may never have. Why not make your millions and work out who deserves a cut as you go?

Originally Posted by Nelson

Would you be willing to give any of your wealth to the poor and homeless people of this world?
If you answered yes, then you shouldn't have a problem giving your money to relatives.

Giving your money to charity is essentially giving your money to someone you don't even know. Poor people and homeless people are not necessarily any nicer than your "gold-digger" relatives.

They may not be nicer, but they are more needy. You essentially seem to be saying that all people, all needs and all giving is interchangeable. This is just completely off the beam.

And, if you know that your relatives are of below-average niceness then, by definition, strangers are likely to be nicer.

[JudyR]

Originally Posted by Keith

It sounds like you're fretting about a problem that you don't currently have and may never have.

I agree with that, Keith.

VetTechJess, the issue you're grappling with reminds me of Steve's blog entry entitled, The Dark Side of Financial Abundance. One of the potential concerns that he acknowledged people might have was the potential for family members and friends to treat them differently if they acquired wealth. He described in some detail how much more complicated his own tax situation had become since his income had increased and the measures he had put in place to minimize his taxes. But he said that expanding his horizons to handle the issues that accompanied more money was part of the process of "growing into" the role of a more affluent person (or words to that effect). I thought this bit of his blog entry was especially relevant:

As I explained in a previous article called Manifesting Intentions Without Resistance, for an intention to manifest, we must accept the entire package of anticipated consequences without fear or resistance. If A causes B, and you intend A without B, you get neither A nor B.

I have been doing an exercise described in Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. The purpose of the exercise is to become increasingly comfortable with the idea of abundance and to increase your confidence in your ability to handle money.

On Day #1, you write, "$1,000" in a notebook, and you write down how you would spend it if it fell in your lap.

On Day #2, you double that amount, write "$2,000," and record how you would spend it.

On Day #3, you double the previous day's amount, and you itemize how you would spend $4,000.

By Day #4, you're up to $8,000.

By Day #5, you're up to $16,000.

Apparently if you do this every day for a year, you'll get up to $66 million.

I've only been doing it for a few days, and I've reached an amount just over $2 million. Although it's only imaginary money, doing this exercise really has changed my perspective.

[Mammon]

Without reading the entire thread to check if someone answered similarly...

If I became filthy rich I would start a company and hire any relatives that wanted part of the wealth. They have to do something useful to get part of the money. The good thing for them is that they should be able to pick whatever they enjoy doing and I would try to make it profitable. If I did not succeed they would get paid anyway. Good for them. Good for me.

[Ilya]

This is a serious topic. In culture where I grew up, the children were considered to be eternally indebted to their parents. This is supported by the argument, that the parents had to give up a lot to bring up their children. For the most part of the century this debt was repaid by care to parents in their old age, providing the place to live, and all that is necessary for life, really.

This culture is the result of the twentieth century history, which lead to the death of more then 60 millions of people due to wars, hunger and political repressions. The surviving people lived in conditions close to poverty, when retirees could not support themselves and working people could not afford their own homes. In those conditions, denying financial help to parents meant literally trowing them out in the streets and starving them to death. I'm telling this to illustrate the difficulty of the decisions I had to face.

Over the last 15 years the situation changed in a strange way. The people gained the chance to earn money with their labor. Unfortunately, time is needed to learn how to deal with this chance. Some people - 3-5% of the population made huge fortunes. At the same time, more then 30% of people live below the poverty line. My father and my last living grandmother are among them.

As some of you may know from my other posts, early in life I started my quest for financial freedom. At the time of this decision, I was a student with a part-time job, that was earning me $300 a month. With the cost of living that was not too different from the cost of living in the US, I had to make a very difficult decision that I was not going to help my relatives. I decided that the scarcity in my family has to end and it should end with me. I had to sacrifice the interests of the previous generations, for the sake of the future generations.

Fortunately, this decision didn't lead to any tragic consequences. All our family managed to survive the difficult years. Most of my relatives - close and far managed to maintain their standard of living, while I have reached the goal of financial independence. At this moment, neither of my relatives needs urgent financial help, but if they do, I have dedicated funds to help them out. Now I'm confident that when my parents retire, I will be able to support them financially. This somewhat reduces the guilt I feel from my earlier decision. Now, when I know what I know about personal finance, it is clear to me, that I could afford helping my relatives and still reach my goals.

So my advice is do help out your relatives, to the extent you can afford. Having financial projections will help you to know how much you can allocate for this, without compromising your future. While helping, do encourage the people to manage their finance better, to think about the future.

[Angela]

It's interesting to me, Jess, that many of your posts have been about making fast money with minimal effort on your part -- selling your bone marrow, posing naked -- and here you are expressing anxiety about what you're going to do when iffy relatives possibly someday hit you up for your possible someday windfall -- fast money with minimal effort on their part.

Sounds like two sides of the same coin. Fear and Lack.

Have you considered how it might be for you if you created overflowing abundance, generosity and gratitude in your life right now? Are those things that you want?

Just wondering.

[elainevdw]

If your family already was toxic towards you, it wouldn't change if you came into money. It would just shift. Instead of you being a no-good worthless nobody, you'd be a no-good selfish nobody. People won't necessarily go around begging for cash, but they will take offense at little things -- if you go out to dinner and you, as the "rich" member of the family, don't pay for everybody else. (Why should you? Because you've got cash to burn, apparently!)

If you come into wealth and you have a loving family with their heads on right, things like that wouldn't be as big of a deal.

[Steven Moros]

How to deal with gold digging relatives?

Well, here's what I would do. Turn around, do an 'about face' and run like the wind, and don't stop until you've crossed the horizon.

[Chinese Dragon]

A trick that never fails...

When a gold digger asks you to lend them some money, and they don't understand "no", do this:

Reach into your wallet, take your hand out without any money in it and after as smile comes to their face open your hand and say "No money" Then watch them frown. Then walk away and they won't bother you again.