Relatives Inviting Themselves To Our House....help!!!!!

[VetTechJess]

Hello

I have a huge problem. I just got done talking to my bf's sister online via PM. She told me to tell my bf to call her when he gets home from work because she told me that she and her mother (my future MIL) are coming over to visit when my bf gets home from work.

Our house is a wreck with laundry and other things on the floor mainly due to the fact that we are attempting to remodel the house. His family are under the influence of the idea that its the womans job to keep the house clean no matter what the man does.

Ive made it clear to my bf when we got together that I wasnt gonna play the role of the housemaid. Keeping an obsessive compulsive spotlessly clean house hasnt ever been on my list of top priorities. That being said we dont live like white trash neither, we're just relaxed...and have loads of laundry on the floor of our bedroom to prove it lol

Anyhow everytime theyve visited in the past, theyve always had the audacity to publicly outright blame me for the reason the house is dirty saying that thats what I am there for--to clean house and clean up after my bf.

I bite my tongue for my bf's sake, cause he KNOWS that I would just as soon rake his relatives asses over the coals and kick them out of our house for saying that to me. He respects that I am not the housemaid. Besides, in our house, the rules go that I am in charge of the dishes and HE is in charge of the laundry.

His problem is he cannot stand up to his family when they put him on the spot. Like when they invite themselves over. They dont put it in an asking way. Basically they TELL him that theyre coming over to visit and he just caves in every time. Now I have gotten after him about this before but hes the type that doesnt wanna step on anyone's toes. this is a good and a bad point.

For example, last time one of his family from his mothers side came to visit it went almost the same way. his youngest sister basically called him and told, not asked, that she was gonna be at a restaurant and basically wedged my bf into a corner so that he would go and let her follow him to our house. We were coming home from doing something, I forget what at the time...but his response to me was to drop me off at home and have me clean as much of the house as I could before him and his sister got there. (I refused to do that strictly out of principle)

He gets home from work at 5PM EST (Eastern Standard Time). I have from now till then to think up of something.

ANY ADVICE?!?!?!

[silicon toad2000]

my standard response to any relatives like that is that I think we already have plans.
Short term solution might be to ring you bf and tell him you already have plans and he'll need to tell his sister and mum that you guys are busy and won't be available, go out for a meal.
Long term you and your bf are going to have to deal with the issue, there is no easy solution. I'm sure there will be plenty of advice but in the end, you guys are going to have to make the decision.
My inlaws and my parents have learned what they can say, if they cross the line they get a chuckle and are light heartedly told to sod off. But that's me and as Steve says with his decision making article, is it you?

[seeker5]

Are you sure you want to live your life with a man who doesn't have the spine and strength to stand up to his family?

[Max Power]

Your BF and his family are in your life by your choice, you manifested them into your life and now you have to deal with all of it. The best way to do that is to realise you created the situation and handle that situation for your benefit. We you make it good for you, it will good for everyone involved.

Focus on you, that's all you can ever do and that's all there is.

Max

[munish]

dealing with difficult relatives-


http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ult-relatives/

[Steve Pavlina]

If you and your bf have already worked out and agreed to clear boundaries for relatives' visits, then it's up to your bf to enforce them. If he's allowing them to violate those boundaries, then he's breaking his commitment to you and to your relationship. If your relationship has real value to your bf, then he must put you ahead of his family. Otherwise, he's making it clear that you have no future together, and that's a clear signal to you that it's time to move on if you want to retain your self-respect and be with someone who values you enough to keep his commitments to you.

If, on the other hand, you and your bf never established clear boundaries in this area and committed to them, then it's nobody's fault per se -- your problem is a result of poor communication. In that case you can rememdy it by working through it with your bf and agreeing to reasonable boundaries that are acceptable to both of you. That may require sucking it up and allowing this visit for now, but afterwards you should work to make sure that kind of thing never happens again.

In either case it's not your responsibility to enforce these boundaries with your bf's relatives. It's entirely 100% his responsibility. But it is your responsibility to work out those boundaries with your bf and come to an agreement on what you're both willing to live with.

Hope this helps. I can certainly relate to what you're going through.

[VetTechJess]

last night my BF did call his family and when they asked him to come visit over to their house, he said it was too late. That he had to get up early for work the next day.

Looks like my 2½ years of persistant work with him on standing up to his family is slowly starting to pay off!!

On another note, I read steve's article on dealing with difficult relatives...we plan to run, always have. I am originally from GA and moved up to OH to be with my bf...we now live in KY which is only about 30 mins away from his mothers house. for those of you who are wondering, we live in what is called a tri state area, we live in the areas bordering KY, WV, and OH easily.

On a happier note, my bf should be finished with his bachelor's degree by this time next year. He then applies to pharmacy school, and since theres no pharmacy school in this tri state area that isn't more than an hour away (thank the Gods!!!) that means we will be moving out either way.

Im making sure that he applies to all the pharmacy schools in GA so (and Im using the LOA here) when he gets accepted into pharmacy school in GA thats where were gonna move to. GA is over 500 miles away from said relatives that like to barge in, so it will be a welcome change!!

[RT Wolf]

I would recommend taking control of the visits and perhaps inviting his family over every once in a while, on your terms, giving both of you ample time to get ready. It sounds like they're going to try to come anyway, you may as well be in control of when they do.

On that note, try to see it from their perspective as well. They aren't visiting to bug you, they're visiting their son/brother...and his gf. It might take some getting used to on their part that he's not just their son anymore, but part of a couple, and that's something you might be able to help them understand.