Question about goal-setting

[anton23]

I do have a question regarding goal setting:

I would like to set a goal for having a girlfriend. Now I know goals must be VERY clear and precise but I am not sure, whether I should specify every single character trait or physical attribute she should possess or if I could just trust my subconscious in these matters by specifying that she is perfectly suited for me.

For instance
"By XX/XX/XXX I have a great relationship with the girl who is most perfectly suited for me physically and personality-wise and who loves me sincerely."

If I were to specify every single character trait or physical attribute, I would fear, that there may not be a person with this exact combination of characteristics. Also I would be afraid that what I consciously think I want is not what I _really_ want or what I am really attracted to unconsciously. For these reasons I would prefer to trust my subconscious by just saying she is perfect for me.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Jack

[Angela]

Welcome, Anton23! I hope you have fun on this forum.

I think it would be a good idea to specify the perfect woman for you, and the woman that you're perfect for. (hopefully, altogether in one woman!)

When you start getting specific about hair/eye/skin color or small preferences, you'll tend to "drive" in the direction of women with those characteristics, and you might pass right by an accident of melanin.

In matters of the heart, I think you'll attract the best person by being specific about how you want the relationship to feel for both of you, and letting the Universe pick the details.

[Tuumble]

Originally Posted by anton23

"By XX/XX/XXX I have a great relationship with the girl who is most perfectly suited for me physically and personality-wise and who loves me sincerely."

Jack,

I personally feel this is a goal that is virtually impossible to meet because love doesn't work like that. Apart from anything else you are putting enormous pressure on yourself and any girl you try to date will almost certainly pick up on it.

Love often happens when you least expect it. It's a two way thing and has to be something that develops naturally.

I met my now wife through the newspaper back '98 after previously having gone on six different 'dates' in the space of three weeks. It was a fun time and I would recommend it to anyone. My social life was great and I really got buzz from the experience.

I also became more adept at the art of conversation so it stood me in good stead for when I met Jo. It doesn't appeal to everyone but it worked for us.

I don't know how old you are Jack but I'd say you should just put yourself 'out there' and see what happens. It could be at a bar or at an evening class or even at the mall.

People are everywhere - see someone you like, catch their eye and if they seem receptive to your look try and strike up a conversation.

If it doesn't work out first time look again elsewhere. It's all practice.

What have you got to lose?

[Ak47]

Nah, you're approaching it wrong. It can be hard finding someone meant for you first of all- so setting a date could be either demotivating in the long run because you wont find the one for you. Or worse, you could end up with a bad choice without realizing it.

The best type of person you can pick for having a girlfriend that you'd like to keep long term is picking the one girl who is your best friend. "You've gotta marry your best friend." This is true. Now, it may not be right, easy, or appropriate to approach your best friend-girl to have a serious relationship with you. However, the ideal girlfriend candidate is a girl who'd fit the criteria of being a best friend, not the criteria of a 'girlfriend.'

Take my word for it, you'll be a lot happier if you follow that guideline.

[Angela]

Hey, Tuumble, sometimes it happens! A girlfriend of mine decided she wanted to get married to a wonderful guy and have a baby. So she set a deadline to meet the right man -- a really short one (short deadline, I mean, not man). Then she went out and took every adult education class, tile-setting, auto maintenance, language, you name it, everything she was interested in that she thought her perfect man would also be interested in.

We laughed. We scoffed. We thought she was kind of a nincompoop for thinking you could just make love happen on her schedule.

Boy were we surprised when she introduced us to her wonderful new boyfriend, right on schedule! In fact, they were even engaged before the deadline she had set. They got pregnant and married at about the same time. This was around 15 years ago, and they're still one of the happiest families I've ever known!

[Tuumble]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, Tuumble, sometimes it happens!

True. Notice I said VIRTUALLY impossible.

A girlfriend of mine decided she wanted to get married to a wonderful guy and have a baby. So she set a deadline to meet the right man -- a really short one (short deadline, I mean, not man).

Then she went out and took every adult education class, tile-setting, auto maintenance, language, you name it, everything she was interested in that she thought her perfect man would also be interested in.

Notice I also suggested 'putting yourself out there' with many the same ideas.

We laughed. We scoffed. We thought she was kind of a nincompoop for thinking you could just make love happen on her schedule.

I don't think I've EVER seen nincompoop written down - thanks for introducing me to a totally new experience!

Boy were we surprised when she introduced us to her wonderful new boyfriend, right on schedule! In fact, they were even engaged before the deadline she had set. They got pregnant and married at about the same time. This was around 15 years ago, and they're still one of the happiest families I've ever known!

Good for them! Like you say it does happen but I can also point to my own situation of meeting my wife through paper because I had people scoff at me when I originally placed the advert.

The point I was trying to make was being too specific about it with dates may ultimately lead to disappointment. As AK47 said you may find yourself with a bad choice just so you can meet your deadline.

Put yourself out there Jack and do all the things you like to do and someone matching your criteria will undoubtedly appear but just be aware that it may take a little while.

Good luck!

[Max Power]

Originally Posted by anton23

For instance"By XX/XX/XXX I have a great relationship with the girl who is most perfectly suited for me physically and personality-wise and who loves me sincerely."

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Jack

Jack,

Usually with relationships, you will get a person that has the attributes that you lack of that you admire and mostly that means s/he won't be perfect or seemingly perfectly suited. Everyone is a part of you, so a long term relationship will be with someone who will probably not be perfectly suited on every level or any level.

My partner is very opposite to me because those are the qualities and attributes I lack, so I'm drawn to them, to complete me.

As far as intending a partner or setting a goal to find the right one, decide what kind of person you need to complete you and that doesn't always mean the hottest, most attractive person

Max

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Tuumble

The point I was trying to make was being too specific about it with dates may ultimately lead to disappointment.

I agree. Also I think being attached to specific preferences eliminates the possibility of a wonderfulness you can't even begin to imagine, because you only want the wonderfulness you can imagine.

That's for sure true of me and Danger Man. My "type" was always short, Jewish, and balding. I almost overlooked Danger Man, who is a tall, hairy, recovering Catholic. Good thing, though; he had to jump through hoops of real fire to make me revise my "type" -- that's always good for a relationship!

[anton23]

Originally Posted by Angela

I agree. Also I think being attached to specific preferences eliminates the possibility of a wonderfulness you can't even begin to imagine, because you only want the wonderfulness you can imagine.

Exactly for this reason I wanted to refrain from defining specific characteristics and just relying on my subconscious to attract the perfect mate. She might not have the characteristics or physical attributes I consciously think I want or require, but still be the ideal mate for me.

I was unsure because in goal workshops it is usually being said you should define in minute detail what you want. I do know that Anthony Robbins defined in detail what he wanted his future wife to be like and got exactly what he wanted. But I guess it's a better idea to be more open about it and just trusting your subconscious. After all it has access to way more resources and can make better judgements.

[justfiverules]

Originally Posted by anton23

Now I know goals must be VERY clear and precise but I am not sure
Jack

Anton23, another option might be to simply look for SMART opportunities where the odds of you having a good time and possibly beginning a "girlfriend experience" are increased.

In my case it was international business travel in the early 1990s...without such, my better half and I would still be 6000 miles apart and oblivious to each others existence.

[Uplift]

Gidday Anton23, the biggest thing that I reckon and notice in successful goal setting and visualising/creating is imagination, creating excitement, humour, certainty, peculiarity and a high level of involvement. A lot of people worry, and are really serious, which shuts them down to openess, and then they escalate the situation with mundane, ordinary subject matter which is naturally dismissed. Finally there is no sensory engagement, so not much of a picture is created. The present beliefs will easily override that sort of goal setting.

For instance say you wanted a new car, just an every day model. Normally, you mightn't pay attention, give much energy to cars driving past. But if an ordinary car of the model you wanted came down the street, on two wheels, with the most amasing sound system, and as you looked it veered out of control straight at you, skidded to a halt in front of you and Jessica Alba got flung out, lobbed on top of you, and you were both enveloped in a cloud of exhaust fumes, causing her to apologise profusely and beg you to drive her outa there, ending in her giving you the car as a gesture of apology and thanks, it would stick in your mind forever, and easily attract energy. You could continue to focus on it in a myriad of new interesting ways. Jessica's left her wallet in there and you have to drive over and return it. She invites you to bring your mates and go to lunch in thanks. She explains that despite being loaded she loves that model car, and it helped her be inconspicuos. You find that you love the car, but need to change the seat covers as the smell of her perfume is bugging you. She starts ringing, asking if she can go for rides with you in it sometime, but you are often too busy so have to decline...preferably in front of your mates and a heap of eligible girls you are interested in.

I would focus on and create how you and your girlfriend are both feeling, and interacting together, in a funny, but awesome way for both of you, and an out of the ordinary way, so that your visualisation is something that attracts energy, attention. Then just pour yourself in, paying attention to how you feel. If it's getting boring, spice it up, change it around, make it funny, involve all of your senses and being. Imagination is our gift. Go for it.