Personal Development Meltdown

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Here's my delimma friends. I have been posting here pretty regularly for a while now. I've read a lot of Steve's articles and picked up quite a few books I've heard about here. I am starting to feel more overwhelmed than I did when I started PD. I don't know if trying to sort out my whole life at once is just too ambitious or if I am going about all of this the wrong way.

All in all my life is pretty great. I have a well paying job. I have my own home. I have family and friends I can count on. I am well fed and comfortably clothed. I have millions of things to be grateful for.

On the other hand, I don't like my job. My home is in need of a ton of work. I am dealing with a relationship that I can't seem to let go of, but can't seem to feel comfortable in. I miss my grandmother who died not too long ago. Many of the people in my life are dealing with some really hard stuff and I feel I should be there for them, yet I don't feel I have anything to give them considering my current emotional/mental state.

I feel like I have uncovered so many things about myself that I need to work on to the point where I feel like I am just a big mess and how will I ever get myself sorted .

I start to get dejected and down on myself when I don't live up to 'the PD model'. The thing is, I know I have no one to point a finger at but myself (thanks to realizing everything in my reality is my responsibility - doh!).

I don't want to crawl back into a hole of unconsciousness, but I guess I am just a little overwhelmed right now. I'm having a coping problem. Does any one else ever feel this way? What did you do to snap out of it? Although I am a really sensitive person, I can take whatever you have to say to me, so don't hold back. I love you guys. You've always been really supportive and helpful. I need your advice once again. Thanks.

Here's what I intend to focus on (so you can see I am trying and not just whining):

1. Physical - getting out and getting active. To combat 'depression' and look and feel my best.
2. Taking steps to quit my job or set myself up to find a new job. School. Research. Gratitude for the job I have now and all it affords me.
3. Journaling. To attempt to gain clarity on my current state and hash out new ideas for moving forward.

I feel like right now I should focus on these and let the other things hold at status quo. Maybe this would help me not to feel so overwhelmed at having to make everything work perfectly all at once.

[Akashic_Librarian]

{aspiring_to_clarity} I am like this. You know what I do? I just ignore everyone and everything and focus on what needs to be done. Its not very good. Its not very sociable. But there is nothing like spending some "me" time with yourself...its theraputic.

[aaronmp2003]

Jack,

I had some advice all lined up for you, but by the time I got done reading your post, I see that you've already told it to yourself!

Just focus on the highest priority tasks first, knowing full well that it is simply not possible for you to do everything at once. If you have chosen several areas of your life that you feel are the highest priority then those things bubbled to the surface for a reason. Honor those reasons.

Also, I have found that although ignoring problems is not good advice, putting a problem on a back burner to stew for awhile often helps. Sometimes the issue just works itself out, or - more often - you are able to look at it with a clearer mind after it has been out of your field of vision for awhile.

You will do better with each of the high priority tasks that you have chosen by laser-focusing only on them, while letting the other things sit on the sidelines for awhile.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, A_L. I have been thinking of retreating into a cave for a while! But instead of thinking of it like that I will spend some 'me time' and use it to get focused. I've been on my own a lot lately, but I think I have been avoiding actually being on my own...I've turned on the tv or avoided thinking about what I really need to do.

@aaronmp2003 - Thanks for your thoughts (and just for the record, Jack is the guy who sings the lyrics in my sig...I'm a lady ). I have been feeling like I need to just stop thinking about some of this stuff for a little while and then come back to it with a fresh perspective. But I felt guilty for 'ignoring' things that are important. I guess I've been living in a scarcity mentality, like I have to figure it all out soon and not waste any more time...hmm.

[aaronmp2003]

Much obliged for the clarification and thanks for letting me know, milady!

As to attacking things with a fresh perspective, I highly endorse that behavior! I live in Florida now, but I used to live in Seattle, WA, near the mountains. When I would start feeling confused or overwhelmed, I would simply take a day off and go hiking. The farther, higher, and harder the hike, the better. By the time I got back down to sea level, I always had a better perspective on things!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

No problem. Another poster thought I was a guy before I had that in my sig...I am not sure what that means

I feel like you are right about fresh perspective. Breaking patterns...shifting focus...

[albertlee25]

Hi Jack,

I have this experience before, more than once!

Just put down everything for one day (a few more days if you are really mentally exhausted), and just do things that you enjoy and relax.

Personally I like to go to the beach when my mind is exploding, or watch little children playing in the fountain of a shopping mall near my house, when i see those children getting so excited with the gushing water, getting themselves all wet while playing with the water, i just feels GREAT!

As what aaronmp2003 said, take the day off and.. (fill in the your own activities)

There is this Chinese proverb, "Resting is so that I can walk further", I sort of paraphrase it!

Cheers

Albert Lee

[Angela]

Might as well face it, you're "Jack" now.

[Chet]

I think we all hit that overwhelmed feeling once in a while. My cure is different - don't think about it. I just get myself busy doing other things. What seems to happen is that my mind needs time to work on things while not directly trying to solve. After a while I'll get one of those great moments of clarity where a lot of stuff falls into place all at once. Obviously I was thinking about it, in the background all along, just not forcing things.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

@ albertlee25 - I think you are right. I am going to take a break and refresh. Thanks for that proverb too. It's good to remember.

@ Chet - That makes a lot of sense...maybe I am just actively trying to figure this stuff out too much -- analysis paralysis -- I will let my subconscious work on it for a while and go about my business. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Angela

Might as well face it, you're "Jack" now.

I've been called worse .

I wonder how else I could put it so it doesn't look like it's my name?

[The David]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Here's my delimma friends. I have been posting here pretty regularly for a while now. I've read a lot of Steve's articles and picked up quite a few books I've heard about here. I am starting to feel more overwhelmed than I did when I started PD. I don't know if trying to sort out my whole life at once is just too ambitious or if I am going about all of this the wrong way.

Welcome to the club. No, you aren't going about it the wrong way. You've just discovered the dark side of Personal Development: It's pretty damned hard.

All in all my life is pretty great. I have a well paying job. I have my own home. I have family and friends I can count on. I am well fed and comfortably clothed. I have millions of things to be grateful for.

You sound a lot like me.

On the other hand, I don't like my job.

Now you're really sounding like me.

My home is in need of a ton of work.

Okay, now it's just getting scary.

I am dealing with a relationship that I can't seem to let go of, but can't seem to feel comfortable in. I miss my grandmother who died not too long ago. Many of the people in my life are dealing with some really hard stuff and I feel I should be there for them, yet I don't feel I have anything to give them considering my current emotional/mental state.

I feel the same way. However, you're dreadfully wrong (and I could learn a lot from the advice I'm giving you). It is good to help people, yes, but until you become strong yourself, they will only drag you down if you invest too much of yourself in them. They need to learn the same lesson you seem to have learned: that they are responsible for their own success. Now, would you really want to keep them from a learning, growing, experience such as this?

I'm not saying you shouldn't be there for them. But your resources are limited.

I feel like I have uncovered so many things about myself that I need to work on to the point where I feel like I am just a big mess and how will I ever get myself sorted .

Well, maybe you are. But you're in the majority. Give yourself some credit for being one of the few who actually realizes it. Then, take practical steps to improve. When improving yourself, take only one or two steps at a time, unless you're an arachnid.

I start to get dejected and down on myself when I don't live up to 'the PD model'.

Then you're becoming a PD fundamentalist. Remember what happens to fundamentalists. Also remember what happens to their victims.

The thing is, I know I have no one to point a finger at but myself (thanks to realizing everything in my reality is my responsibility - doh!).

LoL.

I don't want to crawl back into a hole of unconsciousness, but I guess I am just a little overwhelmed right now.

Well, you probably can't. Once you've expanded your awareness, it is awfully hard to shrink it. Which is good. Otherwise, we all might wimp out when we realize how hard it really is.

I'm having a coping problem. Does any one else ever feel this way? What did you do to snap out of it? Although I am a really sensitive person, I can take whatever you have to say to me, so don't hold back. I love you guys. You've always been really supportive and helpful. I need your advice once again. Thanks.

I don't think I've really held back, have I?

Here's what I intend to focus on (so you can see I am trying and not just whining):

1. Physical - getting out and getting active. To combat 'depression' and look and feel my best.
2. Taking steps to quit my job or set myself up to find a new job. School. Research. Gratitude for the job I have now and all it affords me.
3. Journaling. To attemt to gain clarity on my current state and hash out new ideas for moving forward.

1. Yes, it's very good to start with the physical. Especially exercise. I neglect this area far too much.

2. Good luck with this one.

3. This is also very good. And I also neglect it myself immensely. Your journal can also be your best friend, especially if you're like me and don't know many people who share your views and goals. Don't just write it, reread it.

I feel like right now I should focus on these and let the other things hold at status quo. Maybe this would help me not to feel so overwhelmed at having to make everything work perfectly all at once.

You're absolutely right. Go at the pace you feel is best to achieve your goals, even if it isn't fast enough for the PD fundamentalists.

Edit: Wow, that was long.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Wow, The David. I thank you for your encouraging and humorous post. I like your style of writing. It's genuine and straightforward...with some fun thrown in. Everything you had to say was very helpful.

I definitely don't want to become a fundamentalist...

I am going to re-read your post again. Thanks.

[Shamou]

Hello {aspiring_to_clarity}…

Passion is the secret word… if you can get passionate all else will follow…

World class athletes are passionate, financial icons are passionate… great artists are passionate… no one can succeed or lead a happy life without being passionate…

Get passionate and all those ugly mountains in your life will become specks of dust that you can destroy by simply blowing on them…

And the fantastic part is that it does not take anymore energy to be passionate than it takes to lug all that baggage behind you…

So, if you want to turn your life around… start sounding and acting like someone who is passionate… convince yourself that you are passionate… all let all that pent-up passion loose… you’ll amaze yourself…

The very best of luck to you...

.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Shamou

And the fantastic part is that it does not take anymore energy to be passionate than it takes to lug all that baggage behind you…

It would be nice to carry something worthwhile around besides all that baggage.

Thanks, Shamou.

[John Hill]

I can relate to how you feel, personal development can be quite overwelming and sometimes the more you get into it the more complex life becomes.

I wrote an article related to this a while back, Becoming Aware of the Real World. You are always in the right place at the right time, in fact there is no where else you could possibly be.

John

[SeriousKidding.com]

Reminds me of an excellent book by Jon Kabat-Zinn: Wherever You Go, There You Are

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks guys. I am doing a little better. I decided just to not freak out. It's better than freaking out .

[bradb]

If you eat enough crumbs, the cookie will eventually just disappear.

Remember that saying, for example, "I'm going start a web-based business", is just a convenient way of saying "I'm going to come up with a business idea, then I'm going to register a domain name, then I'm going to sign up for web hosting, then I'm going to configure the web server...etc."

Even the hairiest problem is just a named collection of much smaller, simpler problems that ultimately lead to the solution.

If you want to know that you've gained something from this thread, and really gotten out of the meltdown, you might try coming up with a concrete way to measure it. For example, fix one thing that needs work on your house, or send out 5 CVs a day for at least one week.

It all comes down to output.

[Iksander]

I experience a similar thing once in a while - generally when I experience significant growth.

A mentor of mine used to call it 'Dark night of the soul' - a time of confusion, because your consciousness expands, thereby distancing all of those internal complexes that you have been so used to having in close proximity (sometimes rewriting or discarding outgrown ones too).

Shamou's advice is wonderful - camaraderie within the psyche is developed when something passionate gives focus, thereby drawing those complexes together and allowing them to grow - occupying the space that is now your new consciousness.

[aabukar]

dear friend ...
i relate to you ... i have been there and actually i am now feeling the same way.
i am overwhelmed by my job , my relationship that i can not understand , my family and friends and above all myself ...

too many things to change and I am not quite sure where to start so what i did is that i am re-reading a book i have "Today matters" for Maxwell ..

the idea is as follows :-

we need to define the key areas in our life (maxwell said narrowed them to 12 ) and then make a decision on each one of them once and then discipline them daily ... the cool part is that you don't have to work on the 12 all at once ... it is not recommended actually

start with the first one for me it is "Attitude" think about it ... make a decision on how you want your attitude to be ... practice the discipline daily until you feel you mastered it then go to the next one and so on ...
in this case you will have one thing to concentrate on and hopefully you wont feel overwhelmed ..

jee look who is talking ... and i have made my July challenge to know myself this is how much overwhelmed i am

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for your input and encouragement guys. I have been taking all of everyone's advice to heart. I appreciate the continued support.

[SeriousKidding.com]

Well, you deserve the best!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks. I agree.

[chris614]

Hi Aspiring,

I hope this helps, and I hope it doesn't sound too blunt - I mean in it a supportive way!

I am starting to feel more overwhelmed than I did when I started PD

PD, much like most things in life can be good and bad, helpful and harmful. Be careful.

I don't know if trying to sort out my whole life at once is just too ambitious

I think it is too ambitious. What do you think?

I don't like my job

What don't you like about it?

I am dealing with a relationship that I can't seem to let go of, but can't seem to feel comfortable in

If you aren't comfortable in it, why can't you let go of it? What is keeping you in it?

I feel like I have uncovered so many things about myself that I need to work on to the point where I feel like I am just a big mess and how will I ever get myself sorted

Do you think that an overload of PD stuff maybe contributes to you nit-picking yourself too much and looking for more and more things to fix about yourself? Wouldn't it be nice to give yourself a break and realize you're human and not perfect and that you don't need to be? Take a minute right now and imagine how that would feel - to give yourself that break.

Start with one thing and focus on that until it is changed. The success you get there will make other things in your life easier to change.

I start to get dejected and down on myself when I don't live up to 'the PD model'

There is no model for you to live up to, it's just your life. Stop listening to PD and start listening to yourself. You will never find what you are passionate about in a self-help book. You will never find the strength you need to make changes listening to an audio book. You will never experience the amazing joy and pride that comes from radically improving your life by making a major change and knowing that it was you that did it, by watching a DVD that tells you that the universe operates like your own personal genie in a bottle.

PD is a tool, that's it. Don't expect a tool to do more than it was designed to do (even if it promises you the world). This is like expecting a hammer to build you a dog house. The hammer can help you pound the nails into the boards that fit together to make the dog house, but you must build the dog house, and you must build it to your specifications, not the hammer's specifications, and not the specifications of the person who made the hammer.

Here's what I intend to focus on (so you can see I am trying and not just whining):

Trying is overrated - take a break from it, and what's wrong with whining once in a while? Stop being so hard on yourself - you are allowed to whine and cry and fail and get sick and be lazy and angry and nasty and depressed. Allow yourself to be human.

I know this is a PD forum, but jeez, we should all go hang out with a surfer, or a forest ranger, or our grandparents for a little while.

Life is not all about self-improvement - these people will attest to this.

1) Physical - getting out and getting active. To combat 'depression' and look and feel my best.

2) Taking steps to quit my job or set myself up to find a new job. School. Research. Gratitude for the job I have now and all it affords me.

3) Journaling. To attempt to gain clarity on my current state and hash out new ideas for moving forward.

I feel like right now I should focus on these and let the other things hold at status quo.

This feels like a lot to take on. Didn't you just say you were overwhelmed?

Maybe take some off your plate and don't expect so much of yourself.

Maybe being overwhelmed is your way of telling yourself, "Hey look, you're doing too much right now. You need to chill and take one thing at a time. And, please, give me a break, you are expecting WAY TOO MUCH of me."

Maybe this would help me not to feel so overwhelmed at having to make everything work perfectly all at once.

You're on the right track - you don't need everything to work perfectly all at once. But taking on more is not going to help you realize that.



Again, hope it wasn't too blunt, but you brought up a lot of really good issues that I have and I think others have also, so I wanted to speak up on them.

Sincerely,

Chris614
The Philosophy of Change.com

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you, Chris. You have not been too blunt at all. I appreciate the time you took to respond so thoughtfully. I will try to reply in kind.

First, I do think I was trying to take on too much. It makes sense that when feeling overwhelmed, one should stop and take a little break. I was being really hard on myself thinking a break would be like giving up...failing at PD. But the real failure would be not listening to myself.

As for my job, it's not that its some horrible job. The people I work with are really nice. I make a decent salary. The problem is the work does not inspire me in the least. I sit in a windowless office all day and shuffle papers. But, I am the only one who can do anything to change that.

My relationship is similar. There are of course good things that keep me going back. I love him and we have lots of fun together. On the other hand, we have very different ideas of what a relationship should look like and what each partner should do. I don't think it's sustainable long term (without both of us making some concerted effort), but I also like some of the things it gives me now. This really is the biggest area of discordance because I am balancing loving someone and enjoying being with them with standing up for my standards and needs. Again, though, I am the one who is making it this hard. I have continually 'made up my mind' to quit it for good only to go back time and time again. I am now wondering whether I should just stop fighting so hard and coast for a while. Another problem here is that I tend to go on feedback expeditions...I tend to get everyone's opinion to the point I am not even sure what I really think or feel sometimes.

Your advice about PD being a tool and that I need to listen to myself more is helpful. I have been listening to and seeking out opinions from everyone about my life. All it's gotten me is frustration. I do believe that there are wise people out there who've been in similar situations and have a great deal of knowledge to share. Still, at this time, I think it's to the point that I am unable to absorb anything new until I sort through what I've already got and put it into practice.

I would love to take a break. I would love to stop trying so hard for a while. It's summer and I haven't been to the pool once. I haven't enjoyed the swealtering heat or sat directly in front of the air conditioner.

I do have a lot of things to figure out, but right at this moment I don't feel like it. I thought that meant there was something wrong with me. Now, I am thinking maybe my body and mind were trying to tell me something with this 'meltdown' - give it a rest!

I'm not sure of much of anything, but I have started taking the path of least resistance. If something causes a big conflict in me I just let it go for a while. I figure that there will always be time for freaking out and feeling hurt and life altering questions. Right now, I just need a little comfort and escape.

I guess it boils down to starting with the physical. I can always add that other stuff back in later. Back to basics.

[jaludwick]

I have the same feelings/situations.
Listening to your thoughts is like looking in my mirror - it's making me exhausted! Let's both take a break.

On the 7th day God even rested!

Jaludwick

[silicon toad2000]

baby steps
lots of little changes will amount to big changes, little changes can be easier to implement, lots of little changes give you room to move within your goal, if you have 10 little changes and you fail at one of them you are still 90% sucessful.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

@ jaludwick - Good idea! I have been giving myself a break and it's felt really good. I needed to stop thinking so much...that was my problem. I was constantly trying so hard to figure everything out and have it all perfect in my mind in order to get moving. Stepping back, I realized I needed to just implement small actions as I saw fit. I've been much happier this way. Like a lot of people have said, find what works for you and go with it. Good luck on your journey!

@silicon toad2000 - I am now a big proponent of baby steps. This approach has worked pretty well for me. Thanks for your input.

I really appreciate everyone's sincere and helpful advice!