Help me help myself: COLLEGE SELF-SABOTAGE! Napoleon didn't do this...
 

Please, if anyone has any remedies for extreme inherited mutual inertia/melancholia - hack them up now! Help me outsmart myself, rather.

I am in my fourth 1st year, so to speak. I am beyond frustrated with the 'system', but have come here as a form of declaring a spiritual war on whatever part of my being that is a coward and a deserter when it comes to expanding or completing my fields of knowledge. If you can tell by my words here "slaughter" "destroy" ... clearly my mind is set on energies of destruction...I want to be those classy playwright characters who say stuff like 'life's a peach, buttercup'. :( But all my mind does is complain while my body withers.

It's embarassing. And more so too when I look back and remember days when I was better rounded in my thoughts. Intelligence is important to me, but some part thinks null of it! I want to work on dispelling illusions.

As far as accomplishment goes, I feel utterly shafted. I know education is difficult, and I believe in all the following advice:

1. find a buddy (but I am currently in winter-recluse mode)
2. call mom (this doesnt work, too resistant to mom-advice)
3. recall how your father enjoys procrastination, and counter (currently in empathetic mode with paternal family)
4. bring up a mental vocabulary of trigger words like "do it now!" and "work now" and "he who hesitates is lost" (I
5. employ visualization of myself working hard

Bracketed are my clever 'reasonings'. Which outweigh my objective, which is, a BFA.

Now that I've blabbed; post-college or even doctorate students;

What keeps you going when focus/speed/curiousity/rapture/persistance are low? Fish oil? Cranberries? The Bhava Gita?

Please endow with anything, any words, any names, any meditative principals, all inspiration helps!

Love and God speed
dice

(note to self: the act of writing this for an audience, you, has already helped. I just want to be able to take care of my intellect, that's all.)

To take a leap of faith, and believe that whatever I do, even if it fails, will inevitably lead me closer to The Truth. Why is existence so difficult, is there even a point in living? I take a leap of faith and say "yes, there's a reason why we're here." I want to find out what that is, so I take the best steps I can think of to reach The Truth.

Why are there so many things for us to learn? Why do we have strengths and weaknesses? I take steps toward these directions, hoping that one day I will know The Truth.

Then I find what feels significant for me to do, and do it.

I'm finding that only by excelling at your studies you can be truly at peace with your life and your conception of self. Maybe that's just me, but we all desperately want to be as special as we were once told we were.

There's no substitute for simply going for it. An hour a day, two - build up to what you find comfortable.

Try to have fun with your studies and always go that extra mile.


That being said, I'm going to the library to kick some Ancient Greek ass.