High School

[pigsonthewing6]

At the beginning of highschool I realized that I had very little friends and couldn't get any girls

so I wanted to change and personal developement seemed the way to go

but after a year of reading books, blogs, and websites
there hasn't been much change

Iv tryed to use all of the techniques but it seems like they don't work at all with teenagers

Doesn't anyone know of some good resources or advice for personal developement in highschool?

[Shamou]

High school can be rough... and I'm sorry I cannot give you good resources or advice for personal developement in high school... but, human nature being pretty well the same throughout our lifetime, I could recommend a very good book...

It has a corny name (How to Win Friends and Influence People... by Dale Carnegie) but the book has been a classic for over 70 years... and read by countless millions of people... I think that you could find it invaluable... and find most of the answers you need in it...

Best of luck to you... and a great many friends...

.

[pigsonthewing6]

That's kind of cool,

when I asked my dad this question yesterday, he recommended I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" as well , and he gave me a copy.

I'm definately going to read that book, I think I'll try to read some of it every morning and then use the techniques during the day.

Do you think that it will help in getting girls at all?

[Dusty]

ideaGasms - The Seven Chakras

This guy is the real deal. My life is COMPLETELY morphing. I've never been as happy as I am today and my life is getting better and better exponentially.

As for the chicks:

ideaGasms - Intro To iG Consciousness

*EDITED*

ideaGasms - Girlfriend Training Program

PS: Get rid of that crappy "getting the girls" mentality. When you get the attitude of being a shameless qualifier, pickup is a joke. Ballz + vulnerability = wet puzzy.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

Do you think that it will help in getting girls at all?

The book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" will show you how to get people to like you... and since girls are people... it should certainly help...

You must remember though... that book is not a bag of tricks... whenever you use any of the advice in it... you must be sincere... if not, it will shine right through... and it will not work...

One thing that always work with girls is a little humility... they've pretty well had it with the machos... be nice... be yourself... and your chances are excellent...

Good luck to you...

.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Dusty

PS: Get rid of that crappy "getting the girls" mentality. When you get the attitude of being a shameless qualifier, pickup is a joke. Ballz + vulnerability = wet puzzy.

That's disgusting.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Lychee

That's disgusting.

I'll ditto that...

.

[Jenny]

High school is just a really tough time.

I don't have any great advice beyond noting that even in high school the guys I tended to be interested in didn't have to be the athletes or popular. Instead they were interesting, sometimes shy, sometimes not but they were considerate, treated me as a friend (i.e. would talk to me and LISTEN to what I said) and had a sense of humor. This hasn't changed much since high school.

It is also worth pointing out that girls in high school are just as insecure as the boys. You might not get the response you are hoping for because the girl you are interested in or talking to just doesn't know what the "right" thing to do or say is.

Hang in there and good luck!

[Dusty]

sheesh It's really sad people are uptight about sex. I won't go into why because I don't want to get banned. haha

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Jenny

High school is just a really tough time.

I don't have any great advice beyond noting that even in high school the guys I tended to be interested in didn't have to be the athletes or popular. Instead they were interesting, sometimes shy, sometimes not but they were considerate, treated me as a friend (i.e. would talk to me and LISTEN to what I said) and had a sense of humor. This hasn't changed much since high school.

It is also worth pointing out that girls in high school are just as insecure as the boys. You might not get the response you are hoping for because the girl you are interested in or talking to just doesn't know what the "right" thing to do or say is.

Hang in there and good luck!

Great advice Jenny... and, coming from a girl... I feel certain that pigsonthewing6 will listen to you...

.

[Dusty]

Stop seeking other people's approval. Love YOURSELF. No, I'm not talking about wacking off in front of the mirror (lol), I'm talking about only seeking your own approval. Think about it - if you validated yourself so much that you didn't worry about what other people thought, how free could you be? If you TRULY do this, you are socially FREE! People will want YOUR approval. How many behaviors do people do to appease other people's egos? Yeah... like 90%. Just a warning though - too much self love can be a very scary thing. Low self esteem people cannot understand high self esteem people, so if you do get this, you will see them project a lot of their crap onto you. One third of the people will love you, one third will hate you, and one third won't give a <thisforumhasacussingfilterdammit!> It's not for the weak, but if you plow through, you will be in nirvana.

affirmations:

"I accept myself fully as I am."
"I am truly loved."
"I am enough."

Assume people love you, and most of the time they will. Give people a role... like sometimes I'll hold the frame of "everything she does only means she wants me". If you get anxious - DEEP BREATHING.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Dusty

sheesh It's really sad people are uptight about sex. I won't go into why because I don't want to get banned. haha

No one is uptight about sex... but, garbage is something else...

.

[Dusty]

Yeah... my occasional sailor language style isn't for everybody. My intent isn't to offend anyone, but I'm not going to censor myself either.

[Jes]

Wait, wait, wait. Kid, it's good that you're getting an early start on personal development, but you're bringing it into the wrong arena. High school is a very complicated place to be. It's not like college, not like a job ... not like any part of the real world at all. There's SOOO much insecurity thriving in that environment. And as a result, most of your peers can and will be pretty cruel whenever they see an opportunity to put the focus on someone else's weakness. So if I were you, I'd take it easy on the self-actualization material as it's something most adults can't comprehend, let alone the people you're trying to befriend. But don't quit it altogether.

Making friends isn't nearly as complex as half the stuff you're reading makes it out to be. You want friends? Start talking to people. What are you into? Sports? Video games? Music? If it's sports, start going to all the hometown games. If you're into video games, see who's reading gamer magazines at lunch and start talking about the hot new game that's coming out next month. If it's music, start going to all the local shows. Point is, if there's 1000 kids that go to your school, 999 of them might hate you, but there's got to be AT LEAST one who you share something in common with. And one is all you need. But even if you do approach everybody at some point, they're not gonna think you're some weirdo for trying to start a conversation. They'll just think you're friendly.

ESPECIALLY the girls. They're the easiest to talk to, really. You just can't approach them in a way that makes you look like you're looking for a date. You have to come off as a strong person. Someone who's confident, who doesn't want or need anything from a girl, but instead thinks he has something that SHE might want or need. Don't go into a conversation with a girl nervously. Whether or not you make a good impression isn't what you should be thinking about. You've got plenty of time to meet plenty of women and have plenty relationships. So don't worry about that. Worry about learning something every time you talk to a girl. 'Well, I told Jane I really liked her eyes, but I think maybe that came across too forward. Next time I'll tell the girl I like her shoes.' ALWAYS be thinking about how you can do it better next time. And then make sure there IS a next time. Start with girls you wouldn't be nervous talking to. It might be shallow, but go for the girls you're NOT attracted to first. Get comfortable having long conversations with them so you can understand how to interact with women. Then, as you get more confident, you can start approaching the girls you ARE attracted to and they'll recognize that confidence. It might take you a while to get to that point, but that's OK. If you start working now, you'll be the man by the time you get to college.

This is getting overly long, so I'll sum it up with this: personal development, whether it be for a teenager or a 50-year-old, is just about learning and using that knowledge to improve yourself. The only way you can really learn is by experience, so start experiencing what it's like to interact with people NOW. All the time, regardless of how much you get rejected, be approaching people and starting conversations. Your self-confidence will build itself naturally from this, and before you know it, you'll have more friends than you can handle. But don't stop there. Start going to the gym everyday, start taking better care of yourself, start working a part-time job, joining clubs---whatever. Always find a way to make yourself better than you were the day before and you'll be fine. Most importantly, though, focus on your education first, stay out of trouble, don't do drugs, and wear protection.

[Iksander]

whisper: (like an alpha male...)

The potency of your confidence is really up-to your state of mind. I always found it quite refreshing to go down to the mall and find out how many phone numbers I could get from super hot stranger girls.

It is sort of like playing Tetris. If you play it at normal speed everything seems, normal, right? But if you bump the speed up-to level 9 where it is coming down ridiculously fast - and play at that level for about five minutes; it will make 'normal' speed level seem ridiculously easy (its called 'over speed training' I used it more often in the Martial Arts and Track & Field then Tetris, but, it is a worthy example).

Give it a shot, you might be scared ************-less at first, but, remember that these girls don't know you and no one can make fun of you so there is A) no threat to your life, and B) no threat to your social status.

Approaching single girls is highly recommended. The clothing stores are a good bet for you too, especially since some of the employees are super hot. Pretzel stores too, girls flock to Pretzel stores!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Iksander

whisper: (like an alpha male...)

The potency of your confidence is really up-to your state of mind. I always found it quite refreshing to go down to the mall and find out how many phone numbers I could get from super hot stranger girls.

It is sort of like playing Tetris. If you play it at normal speed everything seems, normal, right? But if you bump the speed up-to level 9 where it is coming down ridiculously fast - and play at that level for about five minutes; it will make 'normal' speed level seem ridiculously easy (its called 'over speed training' I used it more often in the Martial Arts and Track & Field then Tetris, but, it is a worthy example).

Give it a shot, you might be scared ************-less at first, but, remember that these girls don't know you and no one can make fun of you so there is A) no threat to your life, and B) no threat to your social status.

Approaching single girls is highly recommended. The clothing stores are a good bet for you too, especially since some of the employees are super hot. Pretzel stores too, girls flock to Pretzel stores!

Not your best post Iksander...

Remember, you're giving advice to a high school kid...

.

[Iksander]

Eh, that is how I did it in high-school... (which was only 2 years ago)

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Iksander

Eh, that is how I did it in high-school... (which was only 2 years ago)

.

[Jes]

Originally Posted by Iksander

whisper: (like an alpha male...)

Haha. You know, I never considered myself to be an alpha male. Growing up I always tried getting girls via my "sensitive side." It worked, but later on I came across the oh-so-controversial pickup artist community and learned how to think like an alpha male. I haven't had trouble getting a date since.

[Shamou]

You guys keep that up... and when some feminist sees this... we'll all wish we were never born...

.

[Oreb]

High School is all about being yourself and discovering who you are. Its not about finding out whats right in order to get people to like you. Some people will and some people wont. You can read books and try to implement techniques all you want but it wont make you feel any better as a person.

Be yourself or be someone else (it isnt that hard), that is highschool. Trying to live it any other way and putting too much thought into it will just make the whole thing a chore.

As for women:
I suggest playing the field. Getting a girlfriend in highschool is overrated and nearly always involves heartbreak with the only benefit being sex...maybe. But you can get all that physical stimulation by just going to parties and you can get all the emotional stimulation by just being really flirty. It's better, trust me.

[Dusty]

Feminists are funny... the flared nostrils, the tensed up upper lip, the whole pretend man thing they got going on... LOL!!!

[Jes]

Originally Posted by Dusty

Feminists are funny... the flared nostrils, the tensed up upper lip, the whole pretend man thing they got going on... LOL!!!

This guy is my hero.

[wolfgang]

Funny thread. Not the thread starter but some of the responses.

Feminists are actually cool chicks, mostly. Especially the tom girls, or sporty girls. They are generally easy to read and confident and wish for equality. What's wrong with that? But then, why do women have to try to be in a man's world - where the man's world is so out of control as far as competition and non-equality goes? Way off topic, ha?

As far as "getting girls" in high school and think personal developement would turn that around - that "getting girls" statement could be a sign of thinking having a girl friend is like acquiring a thing. How would that feel to a girl? To be acquired? Then, I'd just echo on eof the posters - find the clubs and joing them or go to sports events or local band parties (or better yet get a high school band going) or work as a stage hand or audition for a play, etc... Nothing like some common interests with other's to provide an opening for meeting opposite sex people.

[Doku]

Originally Posted by Dusty

affirmations:

"I accept myself fully as I am."
"I am truly loved."
"I am enough."

"Because I'm good enough; I'm smart enough; and gosh darnit, people like me." (sorry. Just had to get that in there for the old SNL fans of the forum)

I also have to recommend "How to win friends and influence people".
I also have a bit of dating advice, both from my experience in high school, as an adult reflecting back with the insight that I now have.

1) If you are looking for a... life partner/wife, don't. Once you both go off to college in different directions, it won't last. Don't kid yourself. (yes, there are the extreme minority that actually do work out, but it's folly to believe that you are in that minority)

2) Ignore the average. Everyone else is persuing the average. Go for either the hot chick, or the dog. You will have equal success with both. Why? Boredom. Nobody wants to date the dogs, so they don't. Therefore the dogs are bored. Everyone wants to date the hot chicks, but are too afraid of rejection, peer pressure, etc. and don't even ask. Therefore, the hot chicks are bored. If you go for the average like everyone else, there will be tons of competition. Aim high. sounds counter-intuitive, but it's actually easier.

3) When asking someone out, make sure they are alone when you do so. That way her decision is her decision, not a peer-pressure decision.

4) Don't sweat rejection. Seriously. If you ask them out and they turn you down, say something along the lines of, "Just so I don't misinterpret, are you already busy tomorrow night, or are you just not interested in me?" If you get the brush off again, respond along the lines of: "Thank you for your honesty. I'm sure you'll make someone very happy some day." And then go on your merry way, and try someone else. If she does say anything about you to her friends, it will not likely be "Can you believe that he actually asked me out? How stupid does he think I am?" It will more likely be along the lines of "Can you believe that he actually asked me out? I can't be seen with someone like him. He does seem like a nice kid 'though." So, even if she does somewhat make fun of you, she will likely compliment you as well.

5) Be genuine, and have fun. Go to a movie. Play board games/card games. (Yes, chicks like board games too... but avoid the geek stuff like M:tG, chess, etc. unless they request it) Hang out at football games, etc. Invite them over to watch a movie. Invite yourself over there to play games/watch a movie.

5a) Talk to her parents. Shake her father's hand and introduce yourself. If the parents don't like you, you won't get far... or at least it will be MUCH more difficult.

6) Hug, and hold hands often. Kiss when you can. I'm guessing that you don't want to fall into a "good friend" category, but would rather prefer to be in "boyfriend" territory. Once you are in the "good friend" category, you are more like a brother to them than a potential mate.


er... that was a long rambling post... I'll stop now.

[pigsonthewing6]

Sorry if some of you got offended by the term "getting girls"

what I really mean by this is just meeting girls and learning how to make them happy and make myself content

A Few Other Questions:

1)It seems like all of the "popular" kids arn't very smart and that girls go for dumb guys. Why is this? And how does an intelligent guy become popular and get interest from girls?

2)Also, how do you have a good time in highschool while avoiding drugs and alchohol?

3)Its almost summer now and I still don't have too many good friends or whatever, so what do I do during the summer?

4)Over the past year I've picked up some "friends" who are really just social rejects that follow me for comfort, wht do I do about them?

5)what are some good blogs for advice in highschool and building confidence like what the posts have mentioned?

6)What's the best way to truly find and do what you enjoy most?


I know these may be difficult questions, but your answers will be much appreciated

[Peter S C]

Well I sucked at high school (socially, not academically) but for what it's worth my advice is this: focus on being the sort of person you would want to be friends with. Don't be mean, listen to what people say, be interesting and be positive.

High school can be tough, and depending on your environment this advice might not get you very far. It is, however, the best thing you can do in the long run. An amazing thing often happens after high school finishes. The popular kids often get stuck reliving their "glory days" and do nothing with their lives whilst the uncool kids go on to bigger and better things. All the best.

[Doku]

Sorry, long-winded response. I can't seem to keep things short. :/

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

1)It seems like all of the "popular" kids arn't very smart and that girls go for dumb guys. Why is this? And how does an intelligent guy become popular and get interest from girls?

Personal experience (as one of the smart kids): Everyone likes to feel needed and wanted. When I used to "help" people by teaching them things, everyone avoided me like the plague. Once I realized that I was "lecturing" and generally being an ass and stopped it, then things got much better. Be the one asking the questions, not the one offering unwanted answers.

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

2)Also, how do you have a good time in highschool while avoiding drugs and alchohol?

Simple. You don't. Highschool is America's introduction to the prison system. Simple as that. You grin and bear it, and have a good time once you get back home. All you really need are 1-2 like minded friends. If you are broke, just sit and talk about whatever. (college plans, career plans, etc.) You could also play cards while you talk, or some kind of board game, or ... You could take up weight training, or martial arts, or some other sport that doesn't need a large group. (I'd suggest weight training if you are over 16. Not to get so big that you can't wipe your own butt, but to get fit and healthy, and not be either a tub of lard or a scrawny twig. If you're under 16, your body isn't done growing. stick to aeobic things like running/swimming/... and avoid the weights) If you have money, you could add things like going to the movies, taking trips to museums, etc.
Another thing that I had fun with was talking with people that were in the career field that I was interested in. This did two things for me: (back to your question #1)First, it made me realize that I was lecturing and being an ass. Second, it got me over the fear of adults, fear of authority, etc. the sooner you get over the fear of authority/adults that most kids have, the better off you are. You will do much better in college if you realize that the proffs are genuinely interested in helping you do well, and helping you learn. You will get promoted much faster in the real world if you are your boss's friend than if you fear them.

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

3)Its almost summer now and I still don't have too many good friends or whatever, so what do I do during the summer?

Depends. How well do your parents trust you? If they trust you w/o question, and you have a few hundred bucks, you might consider getting with a friend or three and going on a trip to the beach, or to a historic site (gettysburg, williamsburg, rushmore, etc), or for a little less money, go camping and visit a national park.
You can also get a job this summer... although I wouldn't suggest doing the standard "Would you like fries with that?" like everyone else does. Do something more interesting. Work as a tour guide somewhere (parks/historical sites, museum, etc.) this will get you interacting with lots of people and build your confidence, as well as get you some cash. It will also be much more rewarding having people look up to you than down at you. You could also look into being a lifeguard at a pool, or a camp counselor at one of the various summer camps, etc.

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

4)Over the past year I've picked up some "friends" who are really just social rejects that follow me for comfort, wht do I do about them?

Depends on how mature they are, what their ambitions are, etc. You might want to drift apart from them, bring them along with you in your future vision, or just go off and do your own thing and meet up with them once or twice a week. If your visions/goals align, you can work together to keep one another on-track, motivate each other, etc.
If all of the stars align, looking back, here's the advice that I would have had for myself as the social outcast geek that I was in high-school: 1) get a job where you are forced to interact with people, preferably adults. (this would be the tour-guide type jobs). 2) Fix your diet. Don't "go on a diet", just change what you eat so that you are eating healthy. (no sodas, no chips, etc. And yes, I still have problems with this... it's kinda like being an alcoholic... one day at a time) 3) Actally DO HIT training. Don't do it 80-90 percent of the way. Suck up, deal with the pain, and do the training. (Again: do NOT do weight training if you are under 16. it can seriously mess you up later in life) You will then return to school confident, able to talk to people, and looking great to boot!

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

5)what are some good blogs for advice in highschool and building confidence like what the posts have mentioned?

I don't think that you are going to find blogs on confidence/PD in high school... mainly because very few kids that age are smart enough to care. You're going to have to stick with sites like this... OR if you are ambitious enough, start your own!

Originally Posted by pigsonthewing6

6)What's the best way to truly find and do what you enjoy most?

dumb luck. Ok, seriously, there is a test of sorts Strong Interest Inventory. Your school guidance councelor should be able to give you info on it. Other than that, here's one of the best methods that I have heard, just beware that it will take a while... Step 1) Get a notebook, and write down (one per line) every book you have read, and every movie that you have watched. Step 2) Go back through and think about what you liked and did not like about the book/movie. Step 3) What themes do you see developing in what you did/did not like about everything you have seen/watched? Step 4) now go to the tv shows that you watch often and do the same thing. Still not clear what you truely enjoy? go through places that you have been, people that you know, etc. Still not clear? Talk it over with your parents. Still not clear? Get the two books 101? 1001? things to do before you die/places to see before you die. use them as another source of "I like this, I don't like this"

Again, sorry for the long-winded response. I hope that it was at least somewhat useful to you.

[RT Wolf]

My recommendation is going to be a little different, don't try to "get girls", focus on doing the stuff that will make you a better person and they will come to you. And not in the sense of being cool and getting hot girls, but finding real friends and developing good relationships, no matter how long they last. So, basically, attack the problem from the side, as it were.

Many posters have given you great advice (espeically Doku) on doing that. Improve your physical, excersize, diet and sleeping patterns. Improve your self-discipline. You will start to find (assuming you don't do that stuff already) that you'll start gaining more self-confidence. Many people don't really know that regular excersize improves mood, self-esteem and confidence.

Think about the kind of person you would like to be friends with, and try to emulate that. Someone you would reallly trust. Someone with integrity and a strong character, probably.

It's pretty easy to skip out on the alcohol and drugs in high school and still have a good time. I did, for one. It's a matter of attitude. It's not necessarily wrong to do drugs or alcohol (depending on your personal philosophy), its just your choice not to. You can go to the movies, or watch movies at friends' houses. You can go for picnics of just wander around for a few hours in an interesting part of town. Go for walks in parks and stuff. Play video games/games together, if you're into that.

And lastly, this is perhaps the most important thing. You craft your experience of life in general and high school in particular. If you think that you need to have a girlfriend to have fun in high school, I can tell you that that's not the case at all. That's an example of a limiting belief.

Remember, your social life doesn't have to end when the bell rings. Get out there and join groups and local clubs. Smile at the person working at the shop, male or female, just to help you become more comfortable with other people. That's one of the problems of your situation is that high school is essentially a closed population. If something goes awry, you might very well see that person every day. So I'd recommend stepping out of your current high school more, if you can, and just make friends other places. Get a part-time job, if you can handle it. it's not just good experience a bit of extra money (INVEST IT TO BE RICH), but like Doku said, it's good for getting over social anxiety.

Relax and enjoy yourself. I know this isn't something you want to hear (or really grok), but it won't matter much in five years, no matter what happens, because you'll be able to change whatever you want to change later, too. So just relax, cause it doesn't really matter too much. Try new things. Improve yourself and your social situation will also improve, because all things are connected in your life.

Another thing, most people care less about you then you're afraid they do. Put yourself in other people's shoes. Say someone you know does something stupid, you don't really think about it much at all (unless it was realllyyyy stupid). It's that way with other people, too. They just don't care as much as you're worried they might. Most people also forget most things the next day, so relax. It doesn't really matter much.

[Doku]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

It's that way with other people, too. They just don't care as much as you're worried they might. Most people also forget most things the next day, so relax. It doesn't really matter much.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Right on the money. (And don't take offense to me calling you a kid). Kids are very fickle. They can turn on you faster than a pitbull. They change opinions more often than they change their underwear. If you do something stupid today, you're going to have to deal with the consequences today. Tomorrow, it will be someone else doing something stupid. The good thing is that high school is temporary.
The only way that you can screw up highschool is if you start doing illegal things. (drugs, alcohol, vandalism, rape, murder, etc.) Go to school, serve your time, go home, and live your life.
At this stage, the thing that you really need to focus on is being the person that you want to be. (actually, figure out the person you want to be first) Work on becoming that person... Hopefully by freshman year in college you will be most of the way there, and by your sophmore/junior, you will be that person. Junior/senior year will be spent finding your wife. (You have much more free time in college to do this. once you hit the real world, dating and matchmaking is WAY harder.)

The MAJOR thing that you have going for you is that you seem to have your parents interested in what is going on in your life. This is a BIG help to becoming a successful person. Best approach is to go through all of the advice that you have gotten from here and elsewhere, and boil it all down as it applies to you. Write a plan for the summer out on two or three pages, and take it to your parents to see if they can help you get on track and stay on track.