Why Do You Like Helping People?

[CroMagna]

I love helping people in this forum because I have found a kind, caring, supportive online community here. I have been so candid, particularly about my sexuality and no one has judged me. For that I feel truly grateful and indebted to all of you. Thank you so much.

But when it comes to strangers in the world, I don't feel compelled to help them. A lot of people's career goals involve helping others that they don't know, others who may not deserve it.

I have a psychological block when it comes to helping people I don't care about or who haven't supported me. This includes family. I feel it should be a give and take.

But I am interested in being a therapist, which will involve helping others. If I don't want to help society because I think society sucks, then I probably won't enjoy being a therapist.

Why do you like helping people you don't even know? Why do you want to do that as a career goal? Should I try to help people or should I just go for the money (e.g. public relations)?

[BillieAnn]

Here it is actually altruism! What is actually altruism?
The literal, аltruism is helping without expecting for return.
But if you want to discuss deeper, I asked
What is the purpose of helping without expecting anything in return?
There are more answers. Depend on the nature and purpose not every procedure of helping.
Deepest sense of helping is the same as the first, selfishness!
No, not a misunderstanding.We humans are good by nature, but also selfish.
If there was no selfishness in the human race,how we will survive?
I mean how are sincere in helping, We are so deeply selfish!
We want to make good to be good!
If we do of money means that we are accountable,we are not bad but
do not matter how good you look.

[CroMagna]

I don't understand what you're saying. It didn't come across clearly, sorry.
Perhaps you could clarify if you choose to. Otherwise, others are welcome to weigh in.

[ZephyrusX]

I like helping strangers simply because it makes me feel good. I think it is some sort of empathetic projection. I know that we are all very different from each other, but at the same time, I know we all share the same emotions, so I want to help empower people make the choices in life that will allow them to live up to their chosen potential because I know it makes me feel good. I suppose I see a little bit of my self in other people on some abstract level. What I am seeing is our shared humanity, perhaps.

Besides that, I enjoy listening to another person's story. I think that may potentially be a more worthwhile exchange for professional therapy rather than money; being given access to the insight and wisdom that other people incur over the course of their lives.

Having said that, it is not as if I don't ever despise 'society' or people. Actually, I do get into dark moods where I just despise people in the abstract. But those feelings usually fade away very quickly once I actually talk to a real person. I usually only feel that way if I'm stewing within my own thoughts and isolate my self.

[ZephyrusX]

If you want to go into clinical practice, you would be building relationships with your clients. They wouldn't really be strangers after a certain point. Do you generally enjoy helping someone one-on-one, Cro? Its perfectly fine if you don't, but I don't think therapy would be a very wise choice in that situation.

BTW: Are you still thinking about creating a blog? It might be worth while to build a blog on sex therapy for the purpose of promoting your self, researching your material and learning to communicate and connect with people while you are waiting to pay off your tuition and finish grad school. I'm not sure if you could make money off of it, but perhaps you would make some if you learn to market your material well.

[CroMagna]

For some reason, I don't get the same joy out of helping strangers. It's like there's a mental block. I don't feel a sense of empathy towards others outside of this forum.

I think I can learn to enjoy helping people one-on-one, but I'm not sure if I can, in which can therapist is not the right career choice. But it seems like the most realistic as far as me ever having a career.

I'm still interested in blogging. I just have to think of stuff to say. I could wait until I get to grad school and the topics start flowing.

[ZephyrusX]

I think knowing your motivations behind wanting to go into therapy are important. I mean, if you are only doing this because it seems like an easy way to make money given your background, I think you are doing a disservice to your self and to your potential clients.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I think I can learn to enjoy helping people one-on-one, but I'm not sure if I can, in which can therapist is not the right career choice. But it seems like the most realistic as far as me ever having a career.

What do you gain by helping people on these forums? I understand you said that this is a give and take relationship (we offer you help, and in return, you help us), but do you feel like you gain anything else outside of that give and take relationship? If you went on a 30 day period where you only gave advise without expecting to receive advise in return, would you gain anything?

I have a psychological block when it comes to helping people I don't care about or who haven't supported me. This includes family. I feel it should be a give and take.

[Angela]

As a therapist, there is give and take: you give them your services, they give you their money. It's not their job to support you or refrain from judging you. It's your job, as a therapist, to support them and refrain from judging them. If you are only willing to do that if they do the same for you, I think it might be difficult to build a business, because your client pool might be pretty small. However, there are some specific coaching tools you can easily learn for letting go of what used to stop you, and that could actually be a big plus for you, because you'll have empathy and understanding -- and a really strong ability to make a difference -- for people who are in the same boat you used to be in.

But not everybody is the right match for whatever service you offer, regardless. I don't help "strangers;" I help people who want to be my client, and that involves some triage to make sure that the person is a good match for what I offer. By the time I've made that evaluation, we're not strangers anymore, whether we choose to work together or not.

This is timely, because I just slipped up on this very important step and took a client it would have better for me to refer out.

By the way, if you're going into public relations, it will also be VERY useful and effective to learn non-judgemental communication; it's pretty essential to be in rapport with your clients.

Have you gotten any training or coaching to be a therapist, or are you in the speculation stage?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

I think knowing your motivations behind wanting to go into therapy are important. I mean, if you are only doing this because it seems like an easy way to make money given your background, I think you are doing a disservice to your self and to your potential clients.

My motivations as a therapist are that I like the therapeutic setting because i find it soothing, I'm analytical and insightful, I'm open-minded and a good listener, and I'm accepting of people's differences for the most part. I just don't feel compelled to share those gifts with people who haven't earned my respect. I just don't know what else I'd do with my life if I didn't become a social worker. But social workers have to be deeply committed to the cause of helping humanity.

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

What do you gain by helping people on these forums? I understand you said that this is a give and take relationship (we offer you help, and in return, you help us), but do you feel like you gain anything else outside of that give and take relationship? If you went on a 30 day period where you only gave advise without expecting to receive advise in return, would you gain anything?

I care about the people here and I have opened my heart to them. I know it's jsut the internet, but I feel supported and cared for here. I feel like these people are vastly unique and unusual. So it gives me a good feeling to contribute because I feel like I owe it to them and that they deserve it. I could absolutely give advice without asking for anything, and it would still give me happiness to do so.

Meanwhile, offline, I'm very guarded about who I let into my world. Outsiders are not welcome. I keep strangers at a safe distance. Ever since I started seeing things this way, the voices I used to hear have disappeared. I believe it was my brain's warning signal against bullying, harassment, being offended, etc. My psyche is vigilant about keeping me safe and preventing me from repeating the mistakes of the past.

With that said, how I will be able to connect with strangers on an intimate level is a mystery. Therapists sometimes get yelled at, and they still have to turn around and give to the disrespectful, undeserving person.

[CroMagna]

I also want to make money. I could try to break into pr with my english degree and pr managers make a lot of money.
But I have no experience in that field and I don't have any suits as I hate them, and I don't know the
first thing about pr or how to enter that field.
Social workers don't need suits which is another thing I like. And pr specialists make about the same as
Social workers. Only toip execs make six figures.

I'm afraid to apply foir my MSW as I'm afraid I won't get accepted into a grad school.

I have years to find a path but it'd ben nice to hit the ground running.
To get back on topic I don't feel compelled to help others and give myself to others,
and what tyoe of social worker is that. This is a tough call.

[ChristsLight]

This sounds like an issue of beliefs. You have a belief that people need to earn your respect. Why so? Could you believe that you can help people no matter if they have seemed to do something to earn it or not? Perhaps they are in such a deep hole that they just can't earn your respect right now, or perhaps their values are so different that you won't respect them.

[CroMagna]

This is great insight Angela, thanks! I forgot that they are.paying you for your services.
That's a lot easier to wrap my brain around than giving myself freely to the outside world.

Is it sleezy to do it only with an expectation of money? Doesn't seem like that should factor in
for a helping field.

I haven't gotten trained yet. I'm still in the speculation phase.

I don't know about pr but I think it's for extroverts. I don't see how I can do it well for yearsd it takes to
make good money when I don't have the passion.

Originally Posted by Angela

As a therapist, there is give and take: you give them your services, they give you their money. It's not their job to support you or refrain from judging you. It's your job, as a therapist, to support them and refrain from judging them. If you are only willing to do that if they do the same for you, I think it might be difficult to build a business, because your client pool might be pretty small. However, there are some specific coaching tools you can easily learn for letting go of what used to stop you, and that could actually be a big plus for you, because you'll have empathy and understanding -- and a really strong ability to make a difference -- for people who are in the same boat you used to be in.

But not everybody is the right match for whatever service you offer, regardless. I don't help "strangers;" I help people who want to be my client, and that involves some triage to make sure that the person is a good match for what I offer. By the time I've made that evaluation, we're not strangers anymore, whether we choose to work together or not.

This is timely, because I just slipped up on this very important step and took a client it would have better for me to refer out.

By the way, if you're going into public relations, it will also be VERY useful and effective to learn non-judgemental communication; it's pretty essential to be in rapport with your clients.

Have you gotten any training or coaching to be a therapist, or are you in the speculation stage?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Is it sleezy to do it only with an expectation of money? Doesn't seem like that should factor in
for a helping field.

Don't you think being paid should be a factor in one's career? If you're not expecting money, it's just a hobby.

Now, if getting paid is your only or predominate motivation to do ANY job, I think you're probably not going to be very effective at it or fulfilled doing it. That may especially be the case if you're doing coaching or therapy, in which case your subconscious feelings and intentions are going to really come to your client. I wouldn't say it's sleazy to focus on money exclusively, but I wouldn't say it's intelligent, either, unless you're okay feeling unfulfilled in your career - and I don't think you are, are you? Some people say just be mercenary and work for the dough, get your emotional fulfillment outside of work, and if you're in a crisis, it might be a good idea to get any work you can, temporarily, so that you're alive and well to generate something that moves you up the hierarchy of needs. I find most people, though, are interested in doing work that feels good in some way, and isn't just a source of a paycheck.

I haven't gotten trained yet. I'm still in the speculation phase.

You might want to take a weekend seminar in some modality that interests you, maybe from someone who is already doing the kind of coaching or therapy that interests you -- get a taste of it, ask lots of questions, get insights from real people who are doing it already. Plus, seminars are fun!

[FlabRoshi]

On helping people:

Sometimes, on closer inspection of my own motives I find my intent is not to help, but to correct another person's false view.
[EDIT: looking to correct other people's false views is probably quite a good thing, but a bit of a poisoned chalice, because I'm not necessarily right, it's not necessarily appreciated, and it can lead to an uncomfortable sense of inflation.]

I get a little flush of anger or distress and then I dive in to lord it about. Although I may word my post as if I'm offering sincere advice, it's often a guise.

Sometimes there is also some approval seeking. Like, I know what I'm going to say is likely to garner praise from other memebers on the board. Maybe they'll even add to my reputation, or whatever. This also ties in with being proud of my opinions. Many of them are hard earned nuggets of wisdom and I'm keen to share them.

Other times I've just learned something new, I'm excited about it and you know what they say about the zealousy of the newly converted. It's something like "OMG OMG look what I've discovered!!! Now you must know about it and think it's the best thing since sliced bread too!!!"

On this post... on close observation I think there might be a hint of wanting to demonstrate the ability to share my "dark side".

"Ooooh, you're so open and so human. I can really feel comfortable with a man who is comfortable with his own shadows."

Hmmm, there's also a rationalisation that maybe this will be healing or awareness enhancing for another person reading this.

But that view is not backed by any emotion so much as it just seeming like a good idea to be helpful where I can.

[Maya2066]

Hi Cro,

You have to be careful about your motivations for helping people as well as your preferences. I used to be a social worker who helped parents regain custody of their children after they were removed because of abuse or neglect. After 2 years of doing that, I got burned out because I became overwhelmed about so much negativity. I enjoyed helping the parents but part of me no longer had the empathy to continue. I decided to change career and I'm now a certified life coach. To me life coaching is much more positive as people hire you because they want to achieve some positive goals in their lives. And the better you are at helping people achieve their goals the more money you can make. I do enjoy helping people remove their blocks and see them grow in the process. I guess my motivation is that I've been through those processes successfully and I'm still learning and growing. Sharing your experience is very enriching.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Angela

Don't you think being paid should be a factor in one's career? If you're not expecting money, it's just a hobby.

Now, if getting paid is your only or predominate motivation to do ANY job, I think you're probably not going to be very effective at it or fulfilled doing it.

Money is my sole motivation for my interested in PR. I can already see myself underperforming due to lack of passion and not rising through the ranks.

Originally Posted by Angela

That may especially be the case if you're doing coaching or therapy, in which case your subconscious feelings and intentions are going to really come to your client. I wouldn't say it's sleazy to focus on money exclusively, but I wouldn't say it's intelligent, either, unless you're okay feeling unfulfilled in your career - and I don't think you are, are you?

No I'm not ok with feeling unfulfilled in my career. I would be crawling into work on Monday and living for the weekend. I've done it before and that's not a good feeling.

Originally Posted by Angela

Some people say just be mercenary and work for the dough, get your emotional fulfillment outside of work, and if you're in a crisis, it might be a good idea to get any work you can, temporarily, so that you're alive and well to generate something that moves you up the hierarchy of needs. I find most people, though, are interested in doing work that feels good in some way, and isn't just a source of a paycheck.

I think that sounds wiser. Most of the week is spent at work so getting emotional fulfillment outside of work isn't enough.

Meanwhile, I feel a grudging feeling about helping others. I feel like society doesn't care how I feel, so I shouldn't care how it feels. Little things get to me, especially when it comes to women's issues. For example, Bill Maher called Sarah Palin the c word, and I took personal offense to that to the point where I will no longer support his shows. Why did it affect me personally? Because if anyone had called Obama the n word people would be up in arms and ignore free speech. Racism is taken a lot more seriously than sexism, which is an example of something in society I don't like. How can I open my heart and help others when I resent it?

Originally Posted by Angela

You might want to take a weekend seminar in some modality that interests you, maybe from someone who is already doing the kind of coaching or therapy that interests you -- get a taste of it, ask lots of questions, get insights from real people who are doing it already. Plus, seminars are fun!

That sounds great. Do you know of how I can get into one of these seminars?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Maya2066

Hi Cro,

You have to be careful about your motivations for helping people as well as your preferences. I used to be a social worker who helped parents regain custody of their children after they were removed because of abuse or neglect. After 2 years of doing that, I got burned out because I became overwhelmed about so much negativity. I enjoyed helping the parents but part of me no longer had the empathy to continue. .

Oh no! I've heard that the burnout rate for social workers is high.

There was a lot of negativity? Can you elaborate?

I can't afford to go back to school and accumulate 50K in loans only to quit after two years.

Outside this forum, I'm not a very empathetic person, so I don't know if I'll be any good at this.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Meanwhile, I feel a grudging feeling about helping others. I feel like society doesn't care how I feel, so I shouldn't care how it feels.

I started out with hypnosis and NLP as a tool for dealing with my own gunk, not with the intention of being a hypnotherapist. I think it makes a lot of sense to find a modality that works really, really well for you -- I mean that works to resolve your own stuff powerfully -- and be your own first walking, talking testimonial. Or, maybe you'll find that after doing your own self-work, you're done, and you don't feel drawn to use it to make a difference for others -- but perhaps you have resolved your gunk to the point where another path shines like a beacon of light for you.

That sounds great. Do you know of how I can get into one of these seminars?

Open yourself up -- do some research. Trainings that have made a difference for me have been hypnosis/NLP (of course) and Landmark Education (HIGHLY recommended). Many people like Tony Robbins and Byron Katie. You might want to contact a coaching certification board and ask for some recommendations for more traditional coaching -- there are lots and lots of different coaching approaches.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Angela

I started out with hypnosis and NLP as a tool for dealing with my own gunk, not with the intention of being a hypnotherapist. I think it makes a lot of sense to find a modality that works really, really well for you -- I mean that works to resolve your own stuff powerfully -- and be your own first walking, talking testimonial. Or, maybe you'll find that after doing your own self-work, you're done, and you don't feel drawn to use it to make a difference for others -- but perhaps you have resolved your gunk to the point where another path shines like a beacon of light for you.

I feel like when it comes to the career search, I'm all out of options. I just don't know what else I'd be doing besides being a therapist. I've read the Occupational Outlook Handbook twice, been to four different career centers, taken the Myers Briggs and Strong Interest Inventory, etc.

[FlabRoshi]

CroMagna, in my limited life experience, sometimes you have to start doing things before you find out what works for you.

Sometimes you don't want to do something and then you discover it to be very fulfilling once you get into it.

That said, all paths have their ups and downs. Realistically, there is no road you can take where it's always going to be a cakewalk all the time.

[abcbac]

Humans help people but due to selfishness not selflessness. If I give a homeless man a dollar, I am not going to an award but I am going to be happy and feel good about myself. People help others to feel good and happy. This is selfishness at root. There is nothing wrong with this though because it is our nature. Some people donate money because of pride and they want to feel superior. Even when we donate, we expect to be thanked.

[Maya2066]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Oh no! I've heard that the burnout rate for social workers is high.

There was a lot of negativity? Can you elaborate?

A lot of negativity in the sense that parents were mandated to work with me in order to have their children back. A lot of them were just going through the motion and not really changing or learning something new. When you work as a life coach, people hire you because they need help changing certains things and working on new goals. Their motivation is different.

I can't afford to go back to school and accumulate 50K in loans only to quit after two years.

I agree with you. That's why you have to follow your passions. The book The Passion Test might help.

Outside this forum, I'm not a very empathetic person, so I don't know if I'll be any good at this.

I don't quite understand. If you are empathic here, it means that there is a part of you that is capable of being empathetic. You just have to determine in what settings you want to work and with what types of clients.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by FlabRoshi

CroMagna, in my limited life experience, sometimes you have to start doing things before you find out what works for you.

Sometimes you don't want to do something and then you discover it to be very fulfilling once you get into it.

That said, all paths have their ups and downs. Realistically, there is no road you can take where it's always going to be a cakewalk all the time.

Great advice FR! I just need to start doing something and then I'll see if I like it by doing it. I don't need to make a hard and fast decision in advance.

There is no perfect path. There will always be drawbacks to anything I decide to do.

The question now is, what do I do first? Try to break into PR or go back to school for social work?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by abcbac

Humans help people but due to selfishness not selflessness. If I give a homeless man a dollar, I am not going to an award but I am going to be happy and feel good about myself. People help others to feel good and happy. This is selfishness at root. There is nothing wrong with this though because it is our nature. Some people donate money because of pride and they want to feel superior. Even when we donate, we expect to be thanked.

I see myself as a fairly selfish person, but for some reason, my selfishness doesn't manifest itself in a desire to help others. I used to want to change the world. In high school, I imagined myself doing development work in West Africa. But I came to realization that I just wanted to do it so that I could feel a sense of power to get the countries to be the way I wanted them to be and impress the world with our improvements. I haven't been like that since.

[CroMagna]

Hi Maya,

That's the thing. With social work, you are surrounded by people who aren't motivated to make real changes in their lives. That sounds incredibly frustrating.

Follow my passions, got it. Right now I feel like I don't have a passion except sex related things. It's too obscure. I don't have a passion for writing, I don't have a passion for helping strangers with their mental health problems, I don't have a passion for anything I could turn into a career. Thanks for the book suggestion.

Originally Posted by Maya2066

I don't quite understand. If you are empathic here, it means that there is a part of you that is capable of being empathetic. You just have to determine in what settings you want to work and with what types of clients.

I think I would like to work in a sex-positive setting helping young girls to become sexually liberated. Other than that I don't compelled the need to empathize with strangers. So I'm not sure if I'm cut out for social work.

[Clint Cora]

I think you already know it but need validation from others -- if you pursue something solely for the money, you won't last or be happy with your career. I was a six-figure income corporate executive for years but was never really happy with the environment I was working in. When I finally changed to something that I was more passionate about, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.

In my case, helping others, even strangers, helps me with my purpose. It also helps me use some rather bad experiences I had to a more productive way that can benefit many other people out there. Some of this is found in the first video of my 3-part Personal Development Video series that I offer to folks.

[Marger]

CroMagna, I haven't seen you respond to ChristsLight. Perhaps you missed that reply? I will quote it here, because I think it raises some important questions for you.

Originally Posted by ChristsLight

This sounds like an issue of beliefs. You have a belief that people need to earn your respect. Why so? Could you believe that you can help people no matter if they have seemed to do something to earn it or not? Perhaps they are in such a deep hole that they just can't earn your respect right now, or perhaps their values are so different that you won't respect them.

I was struck by this remark of yours:

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Therapists sometimes get yelled at, and they still have to turn around and give to the disrespectful, undeserving person.

The word 'undeserving' would seem to indicate a certain judgment on your side, if I interpret your text correctly. As if a person who yells at a therapist is undeserving of the therapist's respect.

If you hold judgments over most strangers, you will not be very inclined to help them. However, people who believe that every stranger deserves help, no matter their background, usually want to help others. From what you write, I gather that you don't see most strangers as deserving, so wanting to help them is not on the menu for you.

If somehow you were to change your beliefs, then your desire to help might change.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

I think you already know it but need validation from others -- if you pursue something solely for the money, you won't last or be happy with your career. I was a six-figure income corporate executive for years but was never really happy with the environment I was working in. When I finally changed to something that I was more passionate about, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.

In my case, helping others, even strangers, helps me with my purpose. It also helps me use some rather bad experiences I had to a more productive way that can benefit many other people out there. Some of this is found in the first video of my 3-part Personal Development Video series that I offer to folks.

Thanks Clint. I didn't already know it. I figured if I couldn't figure out what my passion was, I must not have a passion and therefore should just go for the money. I know now that that wouldn't make me happy.

I don't feel compelled to help strangers. I don't like people I don't know. I feel like they're jerks who don't deserve help. I'm very guarded about who I let into my world. It helps me keep the voices at bay. I think the voices try to warn me against letting new people get close to me or getting close to them so I won't get harassed, bullied, or annoyed in the future. My best friend is a counselor and she seems like more of a people person. I wonder what kind of therapist I could be if I don't like people or helping them. Either I need to regroup and find another path or I need to change my perspective so that I can be a resource for others, even strangers.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by ChristsLight

This sounds like an issue of beliefs. You have a belief that people need to earn your respect. Why so? Could you believe that you can help people no matter if they have seemed to do something to earn it or not? Perhaps they are in such a deep hole that they just can't earn your respect right now, or perhaps their values are so different that you won't respect them.

I don't know why, maybe I'm influenced by Ayn Rand, the objectivist philosopher who had a conviction that we must love those who deserve it and not waste love on ingrates. It resonated with me. I think people know exactly what they're doing when they behave in a disrespectful manner and therefore have forfeited the privilege (not the right) of getting help.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Marger

I was struck by this remark of yours:The word 'undeserving' would seem to indicate a certain judgment on your side, if I interpret your text correctly. As if a person who yells at a therapist is undeserving of the therapist's respect.

Receiving help isn't something to which people are entitled. It's a privilege, not a right. Some people have a sense of entitlement about receiving help, they demand it rather than expressing gratitude once it's received. I think that's sad. If someone disrespects me and doesn't even care about my dignity, why should I continue to be of service to them?