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| Personal Effectiveness Goals, productivity, time management, motivation, self-discipline, overcoming procrastination, habits, organizing, problem-solving, decision-making, intelligence |
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10-25-2011, 03:12 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Somewhere in the cycle
Posts: 200
 |  Constantly Settling For Less?
I just realized today, as I was offered yet another substandard job that is below my experience and education level and below my salary requirements and painfully below anything I've ever done in the past 15 years, that I have set up this habit of constantly settling for less. I've done the same in relationships. The facade is excellent and the relationships teach me something but the reality is piss poor and nothing to really speak about in terms of commitment or security or growth. If I get a job, it's always waaay less than I actually want to make. The level of responsibility is non-existent or too little. There is little or not room for my actual talents. In my relationship, it has consistently been unsatisfactory to me for 80% of the time I've been in it. Mainly because we don't want the same things and I've known this the majority of the time....but I've refused to demand more for myself by standing up for myself. If I get anything, it always tends to be JUST enough or not enough. There is never any surplus, rarely is there comfort. It's like I'm addicted to struggle. As though being long-suffering gives me some sort of special virtue that makes me wise. Only I just feel ridiculous and as though my growth has been stunted. Does anyone else experience anything like this? How did you get over it. I'm not even sure it's a low self esteem thing...in fact, I think it quite feeds my ego quite well to be able to say I've been long-suffering. It's ridiculous! I want to change my mind! Suggestions? |
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10-25-2011, 03:36 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Yeah, I've had something similar for a while now. Not sure what it is or how to get over it. I always thought it was self-esteem issues, though I thought my self-esteem was quite sound and realistic, as I'd worked on it for a while. It might also be a fear thing...like of success. If you succeed and start really going after what you really want and deserve then you will have to give up all that struggle. |
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10-25-2011, 04:11 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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For me I know that I enjoy having more responsabilities, although in my twenties I did go through a phase where I wanted as little responsability as possible and that felt aligned with my values of freedom and the carefree hippie lifestyle. I've been feeling for a while though that I want more now. I'm not that twenty something anymore, and the job I do now...well, I can definitely do better, and I love a challenge, which this isn't. The only challenge I have in my job is maintaining my sanity...and I'm not sure I do the best job of that?  I want to be making the kind of money I deserve to make, and to have more responsabilities. I enjoy the feeling I get from this but I am afraid that I'm so used to the opposite that it will take a while to adapt to a different rythmn, but that's life I guess. |
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10-25-2011, 05:25 AM
| #5 (permalink) | ||
| Banned Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4,885
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Ha! Yes, the carefree lifestyle can be nice. Quote:
If you really wanted to, you could come up with all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't demand more. I think in a way, society teaches us not to be too demanding. It makes us 'bad' people. Sometimes I almost get a 'martyr' feeling from some people as if they feel 'good' only when they make them selves continually flexible for other people. In other cases, especially in work, I get a fatalistic attitude from others. They think that the employer calls all the shots and that there is nothing that they can do about it. Neither scenario shows a healthy attitude. I think the back bone of any healthy relationship, whether it is workplace oriented or romantic, is mutual respect and partnership. Interdependence, not dependence. Quote:
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10-25-2011, 06:14 AM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Somewhere in the cycle
Posts: 200
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10-25-2011, 06:17 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Somewhere in the cycle
Posts: 200
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Your responses are helping guys. And, anyone else who may comment, feel free to give it to me straight. I don't mind you being brutal. As I read over my initial post, I cannot believe how lazy and depressing and negative it is! Good grief. I really do know better....yet, applying what I know and overcoming my subconscious programming has proved to be a serious odyssey!
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10-25-2011, 06:54 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Down the infinite rabbit hole
Posts: 1,575
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I do this. I'm not sure the specifics of why, but I think, in my case, it's just a matter of learned behaviour. My parents were very "make do with what you can get, because you don't know when you'll get something better". My response was to develop a bad habit of hoarding, i.e., hanging on to all kinds of crap I never use, "just in case" it's ever somehow needed. I've been known to wear shoes that hurt my feet, clothes that chafe, all kinds of stuff that I shouldn't settle for, because of an underlying concern that if I throw out the ouchy shoes or the chafing pants or that box of cords and plugs and chargers (most of which are outdated by many years!), then I might not be able to get more. Better shoes that hurt your feet than no shoes at all, right? But all this does is fill my house up with junk I don't need, hurt my feet, and cause me chafing... It's not the same as taking jobs that are below your requirements and qualifications, but it's a similar mindset, I suspect. Take the job because you might not get a better offer, and better a poorly paid, uninteresting job than NO job. At least, that's what it would be in my case. Other people probably have other thought patterns that lead them that way. |
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10-25-2011, 09:53 AM
| #9 (permalink) | |||
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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I get that this was their issue and opinion they imposed on me, and I always questioned it, but still felt impotent to demand more until I really started to understand the way the universe and loa work and how it has more to do with your level of self-esteem where you just know you do deserve to get whatever you want and not only that but you can have whatever you do want, as long as you are brave enough to ask for it. It makes me feel like I'm a bit wimpy when I don't demand more. Like I am somehow lacking something for not...but also, self-esteem is something that fluctuates, depending on your circumstances in life at any given time, and that is always changing. It's always interesting to look around at my reality and recognize when the external is not matching up to what I'd prefer, and it usually coincides with some setback I've had, which has caused my self-esteem to plummet. Quote:
I have been overcoming passiveness and cultivating assertiveness for about 10 years now, but when it comes to demanding more, I really tend to just drift along with whatever comes my way. When it comes to being flexible to others though, I think I am pretty good at just saying no if I really don't want to do whatever is being demanded of me. My primary goal in my early twenties was to over come passivity and people pleasing so that I would not be such a target for emotional blackmail...and I think I have successfully achieved my aim. I don't care who thinks I'm mean now if I don't give in to them, especially when I know they are being rude and unreasonable and not caring a damn about me and my rights as a human being. I am a self-confessed "wanderer" and this suited me fine in my late teens early twenties...but I'm in my late thirties now. I feel like I want to know what I want. I thought it was more virtuous to not want anything, when I was going through my zen phase, but perhaps that was just another way of justifying my extreme habit of never demanding anything better or asking for what I want? It makes sense the more I think about it. I really want to change this. Do you think it's possible to become more demanding, given the conditioning we've all had imposed on us? Quote:
Last edited by elucidate; 10-25-2011 at 10:57 AM. | |||
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10-25-2011, 10:29 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 173
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what about starting in the small? not settling for less than the shoes/clothes/food/furniture you actually want? the friends? maybe it could be like a mind training in not settling for less. I think Steve wrote an article on that some time. hope it works out for you  |
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10-25-2011, 10:46 AM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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10-25-2011, 10:48 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Somewhere in the cycle
Posts: 200
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10-25-2011, 10:58 AM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Somewhere in the cycle
Posts: 200
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I'm on it, Elucidate....it's funny because I actually started doing this with personal beauty care over the past month. I used to pinch pennies or deem certain makeup lines, salons, massages, body treatments out of my league because of price. I would always opt for the least expensive route to personal upkeep. I've always done the same with jewelry. And, I ADORE jewelry but, do not own any pieces of consequence as a result of my "settling" mentality. Well, about a month ago I began changing my mind about taking greater care of myself and I started slowly building a regimen that included things I've always wanted to have done and never felt I "should" pay for it. Maybe that process is making a small change in me which is why I'm having such cognitive dissonance about this job and my tendency to settle today. I'm looking forward to doing this with shoes, jewelry, and furniture too! Finally! A self improvement project that is actually FUN! | |
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10-25-2011, 01:37 PM
| #14 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4,885
| I don't have the time to respond to other posts; just wanted to say that this made me laugh. Have fun, 172! Quote:
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10-25-2011, 07:08 PM
| #15 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4,885
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Yes, I think it is possible to change, though it might involve fleshing out multiple strains of learned behaviour that reinforce our tendency not to expect more from our lives. Before I went back to school this semester, I more or less managed a post office because my actual manager lacked the skills and time to do the work. I sort of informally got the responsibility and was never compensated for it. But then, I never demanded more for my self. In this case, I don't think it was fear. I didn't bother asking as I didn't believe my employer would give me the raise that I felt I deserved for the amount of work I did, which I think reflects negative attitudes I have towards work. I think it was Aelle who said this, but hearing the idea that work ought to consist of mutually beneficial relationships between employees and employers was a real eye opener for me. I just saw work as exploitive (I have a Marxist background  ). If internalized in the wrong way though, that idea can stop employees from negotiating on their own behalf; they become defeated and apathetic. I suppose this boils down to a feeling of powerlessness. Quote:
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10-25-2011, 07:20 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4,885
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Coincidentally, I've self-identified as a 'wanderer' as well. I think you are right. Self-identifying as someone who is very flexible and unattached can be used as an mechanism to deal with an environment you perceive to be unfulfilling and dissatisfying. It sort of ties in with the feeling of powerlessness and making the best with what you have, which CPW brought up. If you are highly flexible, you can simply leave if conditions deteriorate beyond a certain point, but the consequence of that attitude is that you may never take a firm stand, negotiate and fight for the higher conditions that you actually want. You may simply give up and accept the conditions or leave, which is fine because you'll be perfectly 'fine'. Quote:
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10-25-2011, 07:23 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4,885
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If you can get away with it, I think this is a good idea. I've accepted jobs (and am in a job) that makes me feel dead inside, but then rationalize it with ideas like, 'I need the money! I might be able to find a better job else where.', 'This is only a temporary thing, so it is no big deal!'. The idea is always to find a better job later on, but then, with the time I spend at work, at school and doing household stuff, I find my self too tired to look for another job. All of a sudden, finding a better job is always pushed out of the way. Quote:
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10-25-2011, 09:53 PM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mississauga, On Canada
Posts: 1,502
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I use to settle for less early in my career just to have a job and to get my career started. But during the last ten to fifteen years of my career, I made a shift where I no longer settled for less that much. In this economy, it's totally understandable if many of us are taking jobs which are way below what we want. After all, we have to do something to keep the income flowing in. Like somebody else, said, it's better to have a job than no job. However, the big difference between those who will get stuck and those who will be able to move onto better things in the future is what happens when one settles in a job. Most people once they get a job, even a dead end one, just go through the motions - they work, they go home and watch TV, sleep and then they go to work again the next day. These folks are the ones who will get trapped. Other folks who refuse to settle for less in the long run, have a different strategy. If they are caught in a dead end job, at least they are performing it well enought to keep it as long as they need it for both income as well as to ensure a positive reference. During their spare time, they are upgrading their skills and/or actively networking for better opportunities in the future. They are not coasting just because they have a job in the meantime. Once better opportunities come, they have the luxury of leaving the dead end jobs. This is the strategy I took during the last half of my corporate career. The dead end job was just temporary and was always viewed as such. Too many people who lose their jobs without any cushion or opportunities elsewhere end up taking the next dead end job to get some money in and the cycle keeps repeating. The key is to always upgrade and network so that there are opportunities elsewhere when you need them. As for the relationships thing, this has been a little slower for me as I also have to admit that I often settled for less too. But it's the same thing. We often settle because we don't think there are other options out there. It's the stance that we get what we can even though we will not be satisfied with it. |
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10-26-2011, 01:05 AM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 9,613
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10-26-2011, 01:34 AM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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10-29-2011, 01:09 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 623
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I've taken a job that is beneath me, as part of a short term plan to get back my financial life on track. However, I'm about to lose it, for reason that have nothing to do with performance. This is a dead -end job: nobody gets promoted up. The money is really good, so basically it's a trade off. However, in order to keep that job, I have to play dumb. I have to be in an environment of stupid gossipy females. The few times I showed my value, the ideas I presented were used by management to make themselves look good. This is not the settling for less that is the most damaging, because you can decide at any time that you deserve better. But it's constantly putting yourself in environments that do not nourish you but drain you, constantly putting yourself in front of a mirror that mis-reflects you. In my case, I know I deserve better, I know my value,but it's constantly negated by my environment, and keeping my self esteem and integrity protected by a social mask and an armour of apparent stupidity and passivity hurts me in the long run because it tires me and makes me physically and emotionally sick. As far as romantic relationships, I've definitely settled for less and given the time of day to men who were beneath me. But I think everything is linked and that if you have work that is beneath you, are in an environment where people have no awareness or discernement, struggling for crumbs, you are bound to only meet people who are of "lesser quality". Basically, if you sell yourself short, you'll have someone buying you for cheap and not respect your value. Just like if you bought a diamond for 10 dollars even though you knew this was a precious stone that had much more value than 10 dollars, you would always see that gem as the bargain that you made. The value of the gem will be transferred to you, for being a shrewd buyer, when the diamond will have lost value in your eyes. You might even look at it closely to see if it's a fake or if it has flaws. It doesn't change the nature of the diamond. But it does change the way it's perceived and "treated". Would you care for a diamond you bought for 10 dollars the same way you would as a diamond you bought for 1000? As far as environment, the diamond sold for 10 dollars won't be in the same hands as the diamond sold for 1000. The 1000 dollars one might be in nice box in a store, the 10 dollars one might be wrapped in newspaper, in the pocket of someone who is so poor he has to sell something precious very low.Or maybe the diamond has been stolen...and is in the hand of a thief... The thing is, the diamond in the store is a luxury item in a luxurious setting, the diamond sold for a pittance is in the hands of people who have the value of cheapness, getting value for nothing, profitting of people's misery, etc... |
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10-29-2011, 01:29 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |||||
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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I know I am better than that and deserve better, so it's not something I have chosen because I think I'm ♥♥♥♥...I just needed to get my life back on track after a period of recovering from other life stuff, so it's served it's purpose, and I chose it, no one forced me to work there. Quote:
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I knew I was doing this, but didn't seem to be able to stop it from happening...like someone else was living my life and I was watching from the outside going "what is she doing...and why?"  | |||||
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10-29-2011, 03:31 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 127
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10-30-2011, 11:31 PM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Michigan
Posts: 10
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Hey there 172! I don't think this is a self-esteem thing at all! Personally, I have always thought I'm about the best thing on the planet (in a very humble way of course!). lol... But I used to struggle with this same thing. Looking back on it, I think it had more to do with my comfort level! The comfort zone is truly the freakin danger zone! It's a place you don't want to stay for long. Isn't personal development an amazing thing? It takes so much time and energy, and yet we all do it! Ahhh, I love my life... Tis gooood... |
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