Alertness/ too much downtime

[Jross22]

I need to become more alert, for reasons of self defense. I am a night clerk at a gas station, have many years experience. I do, as an ingrained personal trait, avoid paying attention to my environment. For safety, I have tried many times to fix this, to pay attention to my environment.

When I try to be alert, it's usually by thinking about "Who could be hiding in wait for me?" and I become paranoid, even almost PTSD. Begin to see everybody as threatening. I even sometimes start making threats to the odd noises.

If anybody has advice on how to get to "condition yellow", to be vigilant, while still maintaining my peace of mind?

[Caddy]

I don't have any ideas - but sympathize with your predicament. That would be a hard job (and often scary).

I actually served on a trial as a jury member recently in a case where a gas station clerk was murdered during a robbery. 3 men with 2 guns charged in and robbed the store. It was difficult to tell if the clerk lunged at one of the gunmen or not (video evidence but hard to see where that took place).

If I were in your position - I'd be asking my employer to install a system so that the front door is always locked and I have to buzz people in - or install a safe window system for night time where people wait outside and I collect their stuff for them.

Wouldn't you be safer by practicing controlling your emotions and fear so that you can fully, fully comply with a would be robber as the most likely means of staying safe? Also - if you have any police offers who frequent your store - asking them for advice would be a good first step as well.

[Jross22]

Of course your statements are correct, and most of them have been implemented to the best of my ability. (The equipment upgrades have been asked for, to no avail; and when a robbery has been announced, I respond calmly and correctly.)

The main chink in my armor is alertness, which was a major mental block for me, wasn't it? (NLP pattern there, LOL.) So I just need to skip the part where I think about what might be out there, and go straight to noticing when I am paying attention.

And I need to consider attending the possibility of a job in line with my nature rather than just gravitating to the one nobody wants.