Need Ideas: How to Practice Responding to Unreasonable People

[LoudSilence]

I'm reasonably articulate and confident when verbally confronted by someone who is fair and who isn't a motormouth.

But sometimes I am stunned as what to say, especially when someone speaks a million miles a minute or is especially critical or hostile. I have an auditory processing disorder. My hearing is fine, but the part of the brain that processes speech and other sounds is a bit slow. It takes me longer to "process" what is said. Friends tell me I'm a good listener and have excellent recollection of details (I agree - probably because I work so much harder to listen and give so much more thought to what has been said), but being capable of responding to someone who is being unfair, nasty and not giving me any chance to respond is sooo difficult for me. My mother was verbally abusive/unfairly critical, and certain people also trigger some nerves in me, so that makes me also struggle. I don't stutter or stammer and no one would really ever guess that I have either of these problems unless I mention them (I rarely do -- people treat me differently if I tell them I have an auditory processing "disorder").

But I can tell that I'm really struggling and I haven't done enough to work on improving my ability to community in these situations.

What I really need is practice in dealing with an array of difficult situations so that I don't have to really focus on the exact words such unreasonable people are saying but instead I'd like to be able to "categorize" the situation and have a general feel for what words/phrases/tone help to deflate the control of the unreasonable person that I'm dealing with. -- I'm also looking for other suggestions.

Most books I've read in the past don't really give adequate scenarios on how to properly respond. And with books, you really can't "practice" unless you want to drive your friends crazy. :O

Are there any books that you recommend that I may have missed? One with lots of scenarios and actual suggested responses?

Or are there any "coaches" that could help by presenting me with particular personal and professional scenarios where they pretend to possess particular difficult traits and where I can practice responding on the fly? For coaches, how would I find one that is truly experienced (and fairly priced)?

I'm still rather new here.If there are any past threads relating to my question - please send me the links.

Thanks a bunch.

[williamkwan]

That's a tough question. I can sort of relate to what you're saying; I'm a fairly slow talker that likes to collect my thoughts, and I get annoyed when people try to force unfounded opinions through verbal barrage. I think you pinpointed your problem very clearly, which is actually quite remarkable because it's a hard feeling to describe.

Although I can't think of any resources off the top of my head that would answer your question, I think one thing you might want to consider is the fact that maybe going after such a specific approach is making it too hard on yourself. When you say you want to try and "categorize" and get a general feel for what to say, I get what you mean but I think you are focusing too much on the overall outcome rather than what you can do to achieve it. What I mean is, we all want to be smooth talkers who can speak their way out of any situation; however, there's no single direct path that leads us there.

When we speak on the fly, it can be very difficult to bring up memorized situations or phrases. Although knowledge is invaluable, practice is the only way to become skilled. Confront these unreasonable people and tell them how you feel; in your mind, it's easy to make people seem a lot harsher than they actually are.

[Arz Sra]

Hi Loudsilnce,

I do not know if what worked for me may work for you. I had the same problem. What I do now when a person is throwing so many opinions on me and being hostile is - I ask him a question about his last opinion. You'll be surprised at how the person will be stunned to silence ( because often such talk is just out of an impulse and having no rational basis) OR the person will again react in an even base-less manner. If he does, Again you have to ask a question about the last statement . Just get under the skin of his opinion by asking question. Just wait patiently ans listen to what he is saying. All you have to do is come with a question with a tone * Interesting! I need to know more about what you have just said*... The key is to leave your opinion aside for the moment and focus rather on what he is saying. Leave self-defense for the moment. Either the person will come to rational terms or he will feel so uneasy that he would rather leave the conversation.

Just to make sure you get the point - make any claim in a hostile way in few lines. I'll then ask a question. You'll see what I mean.

[bodi]

Most books I've read in the past don't really give adequate scenarios on how to properly respond.

Have you read The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense?

And with books, you really can't "practice" unless you want to drive your friends crazy. :O

Yes you can. Image each situation vividly and 'daydream' your way through it. A lot. Practice. Research has proven that such 'mental practice' is just as effective as actual practice at improving ability. (Ref Maxwell Maltz and Psycho Cybernetics.)