Radical honesty

[swiftset]

I've just been reading about a theory called radical honesty which asserts that much of the stress in life is due to our departure from complete honesty with each other. Does anyone agree with this theory? If so perhaps you could answer this concern of mine.
I like the theory, I would like to embrace it as a singular and strict dictum for life. I think it has cleared up a lot of tension in certain relationships of mine and would lead to greater connectedness in others.
The only problem I have is there are certain situations it seems it wouldn't be beneficial. For instance, about 5 years ago, a drunk marine shouted some abuse at me unnecessarily one night- my honest and immediate reaction was anger at this injustice. This led to me getting my head kicked in.
A better and more universal example would be chatting up girls. If you were radically honest with a girl and told her you were sexually interested in her from the start, you would get nowhere fast. Also, in relationships, many of my male friends tell me they wouldn't dare be honest with their other half about their natural attraction to other girls.

Any way to confidently embrace radical honesty in these particular examples?
Perhaps in the marine example, I could have been calm and stated I didn't think his abuse was right etc and that might've calmed the situation down, but the other examples?

[Light Reality]

Reminds me of the movie - The invention of lying.

There's a scene where a guy and girl are on a date, and they're programmed to be blatantly honest, and the girl who is out of his league is like "I'm only here out of sympathy, I have no attraction to you" lol.

But back on point, overall I think it's a great idea, in regards to if you have something on your mind that's causing you any stress or worry be completley honest about it and I believe this a good way of solving whatever issue.

In the circumstances you mentioned about your other half, I just don't think it's necessary. Nobody tells each other their thoughts all the time, only if any are bothering you then yeah, the theory should be put in practice.

In the marine instance, perosnally I would have waited till the next day to bring it up when the situation had cooled down.

[OptimistPrime]

Personally I prefer intuitive honesty (i.e. telling the truth when my intuition tells me to do so) to radical honesty.

By the way, if you go to the bottom of the page while reading this thread, you'll see a list of "Similar Threads" which are about radical honesty. I haven't looked at them myself, but they might make some good reading if you're interested in this topic.

[meggarz]

I think I'd personally prefer to be oblivious to everything, honesty is key to relationships but radical honestly would only have you crash and burn. Maybe with 98% of women out there, we wouldn't want to hear that we could afford to lose 10 pounds or that you fantasize about other women. I also saw that movie The Invention of Lying, if everyone was radically honest we would be pretty miserable.

[Fred Tracy]

Originally Posted by swiftset

I've just been reading about a theory called radical honesty which asserts that much of the stress in life is due to our departure from complete honesty with each other. Does anyone agree with this theory? If so perhaps you could answer this concern of mine.
I like the theory, I would like to embrace it as a singular and strict dictum for life. I think it has cleared up a lot of tension in certain relationships of mine and would lead to greater connectedness in others.
The only problem I have is there are certain situations it seems it wouldn't be beneficial. For instance, about 5 years ago, a drunk marine shouted some abuse at me unnecessarily one night- my honest and immediate reaction was anger at this injustice. This led to me getting my head kicked in.
A better and more universal example would be chatting up girls. If you were radically honest with a girl and told her you were sexually interested in her from the start, you would get nowhere fast. Also, in relationships, many of my male friends tell me they wouldn't dare be honest with their other half about their natural attraction to other girls.Any way to confidently embrace radical honesty in these particular examples?
Perhaps in the marine example, I could have been calm and stated I didn't think his abuse was right etc and that might've calmed the situation down, but the other examples?

Untrue.

You can do quite well with girls by telling them up front that you're interested sexually if you do it right. It's more of a body language, tonality, and overall cool demeanor than anything. Look up Sasha daygame on YouTube.

Also, I have never hidden my natural attraction to other girls in any relationship. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I don't commit any way, but I've been seeing a girl for over a year and she's well aware that I'm into other girls. She just deals with it, and she's free to see other guys whatever she wants. It's all good.

Now, about the marine thing. I wouldn't have said anything. When it comes to being dishonest versus getting your head kicked in, I'd choose dishonesty every time. It's all about making intelligent decisions.

I think it's intelligent to not hide your true self from your partner, but some guys being an ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and you get mad, you don't have to show him that.

Show the people who are worth it your honesty. Don't worry about the people who aren't.

[Caddy]

Interesting idea. There seem to be some flaws in the system (as you pointed out).

I read a marriage book by a guy named Harley (his needs, her needs) and he advocates total honesty between husband/wife. He makes a very compelling case for it.

[Dynamist]

I'm not going to say to someone, "I think you're ugly" simply because I think they are. What does that do? Nothing. :/

Edit: Sorry. I completely forgot to add the rest. lol I say take your beating with pride. lol At least you stood up for yourself and even if your got your head kicked in, at least you know you told the truth. OR, you could just choose your battles. That works too.

[The Cloud]

Sometimes a truth is a fact, and sometimes it's self-fulfilling. For example, you told the Marine how you honestly felt slighted. That honesty created the fact of you being offended. You didn't have to feel that way, that's not the way things had to be. You decided to be offended and to believe that his actions required rebuttal. It was real and honest, but only because you made it real. If I say "that guy is a Marine," I'm stating a fact. If I say "I hate that a**hole," I'm creating one.

[Brutha]

A better and more universal example would be chatting up girls. If you were radically honest with a girl and told her you were sexually interested in her from the start, you would get nowhere fast.

I don't think that's true. At least, I know someone who meet his girlfriend by doing an exercise of making 30 approaches that were being the realm of what counts as socially expected communication.

Communicating with total honesty and without fear of the reaction communicates confidence. Confidence is attractive.

You will annoy some girl but others will be attracted.

Also, in relationships, many of my male friends tell me they wouldn't dare be honest with their other half about their natural attraction to other girls.

There are guys who won't do anything that invites disapproval from their girlfriends. They don't have any power in the relationship.
On the other hand there are guys who rather decide on being authentic even when it results in disapproval.
There are girls who find the confident and authentic guy sexy even when he sometimes does things that annoy her.

If the guy who always does what his girlfriend tells him to do suddenly decides to be authentic and speak about attraction to other girls he will have trouble.
Once the power relationship is settled there a good chance that challenging it will destroy the relationship.

As far as I'm myself concerned I decide against practicing radical honesty. For me it's not important to be always aligned to the feelings of a moment. I rather try to always life according to my general principles.
Mostly I still don't look at the specific outcome of a situation when I act.

Telling someone that they are ugly would violate my principles and it's therefore not something I will do.
At the moment I don't have the confidence to go up to a woman and directly declare my sexual interest to her.

I'm however in the process of building this skill through doing Demonic Confidence. Today I'm at day 11. It a lot of pain and being outside of my comfort zone but I already changed a lot. A friend of mine achieved that goal at day 19 so I'm confident that I will achieve it as well.

As a sidenote most immature guys who say "Nice tits" while standing next to girl they don't know aren't authentic. They play some role that includes being a player and hide behind that facade.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by swiftset

A better and more universal example would be chatting up girls. If you were radically honest with a girl and told her you were sexually interested in her from the start, you would get nowhere fast. Also, in relationships, many of my male friends tell me they wouldn't dare be honest with their other half about their natural attraction to other girls.

Actually I think that done the right way, this is as good a place to practise radical honesty as any.

The only trouble is that men often mix manipulation into their interactions with girls. For a lot of girls, getting into their pants requires lulling them into a sense of security, and letting them know their interest won't work. So radical honesty means that you have to make a serious change in your way of doing things. You have to stop seeing relationships as a "me vs. you" thing and start seeing them as something you co-create.

In some cases you may also have to be with people who are cool enough to understand you and not reject your desires out of a childish desire to feel power over you.

Once I said straight out to a girl who I'd only hung out with twice, "I really like you!" the context was that I was basically admitting to being seriously infatuated.

She not only stayed interested, but seemed to become more interested from then on.

Of course she might not have been interested in me, but that would have been okay too. Do I need to run from the possibility that he doesn't like me?

Any way to confidently embrace radical honesty in these particular examples?
Perhaps in the marine example, I could have been calm and stated I didn't think his abuse was right etc and that might've calmed the situation down, but the other examples?

I think in a few rare occasions, lying is necessary.

My interpretation of radical honesty is to only use lying in extreme situations and always to aim to build a life where it is not necessary in general. Specifically, this means surrounding yourself with the most emotionally mature, high vibration people possible. They don't need to be lied to.

With these provisos, I practise radical honesty - I never read the book but it's almost a compulsion or a strong attraction or instinct. I definitely recommend it. Even the trouble it gets you into is usually good trouble.

[swiftset]

Great answers, guys. I'm really glad I've joined up to this forum as there are lots of very interesting thoughts provided here- I'm not used to it!

It does display confidence to be honest about oneself against social norms. Why not be more honest; that it's off putting (quite forward) is an assumption that needs questioning!

[Brutha]

Great answers, guys. I'm really glad I've joined up to this forum as there are lots of very interesting thoughts provided here- I'm not used to it! It's not so much the fear they won't like you that would be the cooler wrt being honest with girls, more that I've assumed showing interest so early is in itself off putting to them (I don't know why, maybe because it's threatening, or just unusual and so shows a lack of social intuition or because they expect a display of creativity via indirect seduction). From what you've all said though, perhaps it's time to question this assumption!

It depends largly on your own emotional state.

If you feel desperate for female attention and say to a woman: "Do you want to have sex with me?", that might go poorly.

Another scenario would be that you feel really great inside. You go to a woman and say:
"Hey, I just noticed you and thought to myself, your really amazing I have to get to know you..." a lot of woman will be receptive. A lot of those who won't be interested will give you a nice rejection like "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend".

As a general rule, when you do something that will make yourself uncomfortable than there a good chance that the approach will fail. It can be still good practice.

[elucidate]

It always feels better to be as honest as possible, so yeah, radical honesty can be a way to eliminate stress from your life. Always lying is stressful.

It helps to find people who are aligned with this way of living though, because many many people are compulsive liars and prefer to be lied to, so being radically honest with those types won't get you very far.

I also don't think it's a bad thing to be honest about sexual attraction with women IF they are the sort of women you think will appreciate it...it's always hard to tell though, until you try it. I guess be prepared to get rejected if you do practise it in this context.

[James81]

One thing I've learned is that radical honesty need not be tactless honesty. You don't have to hurt the other person to be completely honest with them.

A lot of people, I think, tend to think of radical honesty as more of a brutal, "I'll tell it like it is with no apologies", kinda brash free-for-all. And it's not that at all. To me, it's the ability to say exactly what I'm thinking in a way that expresses exactly what I feel or think in a way that is courteous, yet direct with the other person. I don't need to use brash language to be radically honest. In fact, the brash, "I don't give a rip" is not an expression of honesty. It's an expression of internal discontent or pain that the person exhibiting it is feeling. I see it as an unconscious cry for help.

Being radically honest is being secure enough in your opinion that you do not need to get emotional about whatever is happening or react in a negative way (or a lose-lose way).

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by swiftset

.
The only problem I have is there are certain situations it seems it wouldn't be beneficial.

I can think of many situations where it wouldn't be optimal, that's for sure.

[irfan]

Originally Posted by Brutha

As a sidenote most immature guys who say "Nice tits" while standing next to girl they don't know aren't authentic. They play some role that includes being a player and hide behind that facade.

That's true! A lot of times what might superficially look like an "open expression of sexual interest", when it's expressed crudely and poorly, is anything but. When you see someone act like that, it's interesting to imagine how the guy would respond in the highly unlikely case that the the woman responded by expressing a sexual interest in him. It's far more likely to be posturing for a seen or unseen observer. And women usually sense that. It's a double insult, vulgar AND insincere.

But a genuine, sincere expression almost always receives at least a slightly positive response: not ripping clothes off to copulate, necessarily, but it's a recognition of being attractive. Love evokes love! And genuine attraction is very, very often - always? - mutual.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by irfan

That's true! A lot of times what might superficially look like an "open expression of sexual interest", when it's expressed crudely and poorly, is anything but. When you see someone act like that, it's interesting to imagine how the guy would respond in the highly unlikely case that the the woman responded by expressing a sexual interest in him. It's far more likely to be posturing for a seen or unseen observer. And women usually sense that. It's a double insult, vulgar AND insincere.

Yes, that's a definite no-no, unless you secretly like being rejected.

But a genuine, sincere expression almost always receives at least a slightly positive response: not ripping clothes off to copulate, necessarily, but it's a recognition of being attractive. Love evokes love! And genuine attraction is very, very often - always? - mutual.

Often it doesn't even need to be verbalized if it is mutual, it's just known.

[Acting Like Godot]

Here are examples where I would not practise this thing you call "radical honesty".

1. A stupid, incompetent colleague comes to me for advice on a work matter. I will not say, "You are doing it wrong, how stupid and incompetent you are."
instead I will say, "I'm glad that you are working on this project. I think it will be a great learning experience for you. Now, there are just a few issues I want you to pay attention to. Have you considered X, Y, Z ....".


2. The person I am talking to is very angry, upset or emotional. I will not say anything "radically honest" to him. First I will calm him down, get him to feel composed etc. Then we can talk properly later.

3. The person has strong beliefs which I do not agree with, but it is none of my business (eg he believes in some version of God that I do not). I do not feel compelled to tell him that I think he is very wrong. I just leave him alone, and depending on context, may even feign agreement.

[russianrocket]

Originally Posted by Light Reality

Reminds me of the movie - The invention of lying.

There's a scene where a guy and girl are on a date, and they're programmed to be blatantly honest, and the girl who is out of his league is like "I'm only here out of sympathy, I have no attraction to you" lol.

But back on point, overall I think it's a great idea, in regards to if you have something on your mind that's causing you any stress or worry be completley honest about it and I believe this a good way of solving whatever issue.

In the circumstances you mentioned about your other half, I just don't think it's necessary. Nobody tells each other their thoughts all the time, only if any are bothering you then yeah, the theory should be put in practice.

In the marine instance, perosnally I would have waited till the next day to bring it up when the situation had cooled down.

I despised that movie. If everyone was programmed to be blatantly honest, then their way of thinking would change. Everyone wouldn't just become super ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Obviously some people would be ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, but I highly doubt that honesty would bring out such things. You wouldn't put yourself in situations where you'd have to tell the truth, if the truth would get you in trouble. Nor would not being able to lie, mean that you would say every single thing that pops into your mind. You have 1000 thoughts a minute. Eventually, you are gonna stop judging people.

[Self Exploration]

Radical honest without the intervention of love won't work.

It all depends on the recipient and where they are at with the subject matter.
But how would one know if they are ready to hear it.

So the only other way to deal with it is based on the "agreement" one has with others.

Have they agreed to hear the brutal truth?

In the end it is where we are coming from.
Are we being loving by telling the truth,
or ... are we being loving when were are telling the lie.

[tod]

Radical (but tactful) honesty works for me, even though it pisses people off. Interesting things happen when you say what's really on your mind.

Not too long ago I was being belittled by a family member for my skydiving, i.e. you're an idiot / adrenaline junkie / suicidal / etc. None of which is true. So I replied with what was really on my mind: at least I don't spend my free time watching TV like you. Which is completely true of that person. But the anger it caused was unbelievable -- this person just couldn't handle the truth. Which brought new clarity to our relationship, as in, why am I spending any time at all with someone who can't face basic truths about their life?

This makes me an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in the eyes of some, but I am not. An ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ would get joy out of being tactless. He would make it a point to hurt. He would say, "You waste your life watching TV because you're stupid and ignorant and you'll never change." All I did was state a simple truth. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have said anything.

It's strange that people who find it very easy to tell you how to live, and lob insults and untrue accusations at you, often can't deal with a simple truth about themselves -- and call you a tactless prick for bringing it up.

Try radical honesty. Find out where you really stand with the people in your life.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by tod

Radical (but tactful) honesty works for me, even though it pisses people off. Interesting things happen when you say what's really on your mind.

Not too long ago I was being belittled by a family member for my skydiving, i.e. you're an idiot / adrenaline junkie / suicidal / etc. None of which is true. So I replied with what was really on my mind: at least I don't spend my free time watching TV like you. Which is completely true of that person. But the anger it caused was unbelievable -- this person just couldn't handle the truth. Which brought new clarity to our relationship, as in, why am I spending any time at all with someone who can't face basic truths about their life?

This makes me an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in the eyes of some, but I am not. An ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ would get joy out of being tactless. He would make it a point to hurt. He would say, "You waste your life watching TV because you're stupid and ignorant and you'll never change." All I did was state a simple truth. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have said anything.

It's strange that people who find it very easy to tell you how to live, and lob insults and untrue accusations at you, often can't deal with a simple truth about themselves -- and call you a tactless prick for bringing it up.

Try radical honesty. Find out where you really stand with the people in your life.

I've had the total same experience with my family members, with friends. I consider a friend a true friend if they can call me on my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and challenge me, not have some friend code where we are never allowed to say anything remotely honest to one another and must lie always to prevent feelings from being hurt.

I've pissed so many people off with being honest with them, not in hurtful ways but just by turning their attempts at projection onto me around and putting it back where it belongs...with them, by pointing out how THEY are the ones being selfish, not me, and they are the ones being whatever they are accusing me of, which happens a lot to me. They don't like it and usually they can't be bothered with me after that...even my own mother. It leaves my life nice and peaceful though when I'm not constantly being harassed for behavior that isn't even mine!

Radical honesty has helped me gain a birds eye over view of what is actually going on in reality, not just the persons version of reality, which often is very distorted. Of course, diplomacy at certain times is useful too, but with family and friends, I have no qualms showing them where they could also look at themselves, especially when they are criticizing me...and yes, it's really funny how they have no problem stomping on others but turn into little cry babies when the tables are turned and their own lives are reflected back to them. I have to admit, I do get a kick out of it at times.

If that makes me an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ then so be it, but I don't think I am...just honest. Many people find me totally annoying though at how honest I can be. I'm too honest at times. People don't like that.

[Bradshaw]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I've had the total same experience with my family members, with friends. I consider a friend a true friend if they can call me on my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and challenge me, not have some friend code where we are never allowed to say anything remotely honest to one another and must lie always to prevent feelings from being hurt.

I've pissed so many people off with being honest with them, not in hurtful ways but just by turning their attempts at projection onto me around and putting it back where it belongs...with them, by pointing out how THEY are the ones being selfish, not me, and they are the ones being whatever they are accusing me of, which happens a lot to me. They don't like it and usually they can't be bothered with me after that...even my own mother. It leaves my life nice and peaceful though when I'm not constantly being harassed for behavior that isn't even mine!

Radical honesty has helped me gain a birds eye over view of what is actually going on in reality, not just the persons version of reality, which often is very distorted. Of course, diplomacy at certain times is useful too, but with family and friends, I have no qualms showing them where they coiuld also look at themselves, especially when they are criticizing me...and yes, it's really funny how they have no problem stomping on others but turn into little cry babies when the tables are turned and their own lives are reflected back to them. I have to admit, I do get a kick out of it at times.

If that makes me an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ then so be it, but I don't think I am...just honest. Many people find me totally annoying though at how honest I can be. I'm too honest at times. People don't like that.

I like it.

My girlfriend is like that. She pisses off people from time to time.

Personally I find it hot.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Bradshaw

I like it.

My girlfriend is like that. She pisses off people from time to time.

Personally I find it hot.

Thankyou.

It's not to everyone's taste, but then, I don't do it to turn anyone on.

[pinky3]

Interesting thread. It's something I;ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I looked at a few of my friends and found that the people I feel closest to are the ones I can be honest with. The ones I can be honest with are the ones that are straight up with me.

A close friend of mine makes people REALLY angry because she's really honest to the point of rudeness (which doesn't always help... but in any case). With her I always know where I stand and I love being around her because I don't have to act or think about what I say I can just speak.

How many people can you not say things to because you feel they'll be offended or disagree. So you just have a completely non-genuine interaction with them... what's the point :/ ?

[irfan]

Originally Posted by tod

Not too long ago I was being belittled by a family member for my skydiving, i.e. you're an idiot / adrenaline junkie / suicidal / etc. None of which is true. So I replied with what was really on my mind: at least I don't spend my free time watching TV like you.

Your response doesn't strike me as "radically honest", it strikes me as defensive and retaliatory: he said something mean about me, I'm gonna say something mean back. I agree with Elucidate's reply to your comment about good friends being able to call you rather than merely pander to your ego, that's good.

But "radical honesty" starts with yourself. Why didn't you just listen to the family member's comments and consider whether they had any validity? Maybe he or she had legitimate concerns about what would happen to your children (for example) if you kill or maim yourself. Could you have raised the television some other time instead of feeling the need to defend yourself by attacking?

I remember keeping a journal when I was going through a bad patch (divorce, etc.). At first, I used to pour out self-abuse, accuse myself of weaknesses and flaws in the most scathing tone. Then I thought about it: I thought I should try to be as polite and constructive with myself as I would be with another person. I should find a way of criticising myself that wasn't belittling. And I think you should treat other people the same way, too.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by irfan

Your response doesn't strike me as "radically honest", it strikes me as defensive and retaliatory: he said something mean about me, I'm gonna say something mean back. I agree with Elucidate's reply to your comment about good friends being able to call you rather than merely pander to your ego, that's good.

It did seem a bit 'tit-for-tat.'

But "radical honesty" starts with yourself. Why didn't you just listen to the family member's comments and consider whether they had any validity? Maybe he or she had legitimate concerns about what would happen to your children (for example) if you kill or maim yourself. Could you have raised the television some other time instead of feeling the need to defend yourself by attacking?

Here's where it can get tricky.

I tend to mull over lots of things, and sometimes it can take weeks for me to fully feel as though I have completely mulled over what someone has said to me. I like to be as honest as possible with myself as well as others, so it is important, to me anyway, that I do take on at least a certain amount of what people tell me, unless I know that it is straight up nonsense.

What can get confusing, and even dangerous, is discerning whether that person is really giving honest feedback to me, or whether they are projecting their own stuff onto me? If they aren't being honest and just projecting, and I take that on, then it means I could waste literally weeks of my time and head space trying to look at where and how I am the way that person has told me, when in reality it's not even about me...it's their stuff!

Tricky business.

I remember keeping a journal when I was going through a bad patch (divorce, etc.). At first, I used to pour out self-abuse, accuse myself of weaknesses and flaws in the most scathing tone. Then I thought about it: I thought I should try to be as polite and constructive with myself as I would be with another person. I should find a way of criticising myself that wasn't belittling. And I think you should treat other people the same way, too.

Easier to think about than to implement, I can vouch for that. But yes, it's important to watch our inner dialogue with self, and be constructive yet gentle with ourselves. I'm still learning how to be this way with myself. I can be terrible to myself sometimes.

[ButterflyWoman]

Some of my thoughts on the issue.

Brutal honesty is usually more about brutality than about honesty.

Dishonesty is about deception. Honesty doesn't have to mean that you blurt out every thought that occurs to you to say. It's actually possible to simply say nothing and still be entirely honest (unless you're under some sort of oath or you're deliberately lying by omission). In other words, I don't have to tell the waitress that her backside looks really fat in her uniform, nor do I have to volunteer to my co-worker that her new hair colour is really unflattering. If they ASK me, well, I have a reputation for being straightforward, but I have learned to ask people if they want my honest opinion or not. If they say, "Yes, be honest," then I tell them, though I try to do it in ways that are not brutal (see above).

I certainly am under no obligation to tell the obnoxious drunk on the train that I think he's an idiot, and doing so could prove to be foolish.

There's this pervading idea that "honesty" means you have no social filters and, basically, no common sense. That if you're "being honest" that makes it okay to offer unsolicited opinions, to be unkind or brutal, to blather any and every thing that appears in your mind, all in the name of 'being honest".

Well, I spent many years without filters, being brutally honest, and blurting out whatever came into my head, and I can tell you, it may make you feel better, but it's hell on relationships, work relations, and social settings in general. Honesty is absolutely my preferred mode of operation, and I can't remember the last time I told a lie or attempted to actually deceive someone, but I very much appreciate keeping my thoughts to myself when appropriate. There's nothing dishonest about that.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

Some of my thoughts on the issue.

Brutal honesty is usually more about brutality than about honesty.

Yeah, I'm with you on that note. People who are brutally honest, enjoy being brutal, not honest. Men I've known who are like this then seem to be genuinely perplexed and confused when people around them disappear one by one and don't want to know them anymore...and they usually can't handle it when someone is brutally honest with them

[irfan]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Easier to think about than to implement, I can vouch for that. But yes, it's important to watch our inner dialogue with self, and be constructive yet gentle with ourselves. I'm still learning how to be this way with myself. I can be terrible to myself sometimes.

A journal is quite a good tool for that. I often used to write something negative and then tried to rephrase it until I was happy with it. On the other hand, sometimes I used to use it just for cathartic blurting.

Haha. Once that had nearly catastrophic results when I was having a terrible time with a major client over a project I was working on, with lots of tricky negotiations: I almost left the journal in their office! And I was freely fantasizing about tying them to an anthill, castrating them, pouring honey in the wounds and leaving them to die! Luckily, it turned out I left in the car of my partner's wife. She was sort of giggling when she gave it back to me, but she swears she didn't read it.