How do I stop comparing myself to others?

[Wozzzaaa]

Hello
Ive recently made HUGE progress in achieving my goals, and in personal development. I need some advice dealing with a particular issue.

I work in an average paying job, and financially we are doing OK. We live frugally and well within our means.

The problem is I can't stop comparing my income / social status to my peers who all seem to earn more then me. I look at their nicer houses, nicer cars and feel jealous which leads to some unhealthy behavior such as.

- Working myself into the ground, long overtime hours.
- Depression
- Stress

Now, I have developed personally to such a stage, that I am aware of these triggers and have awareness of when i get myself into such a state. I haven't yet managed to find a fuse which stops this train of thought.

I can rationalize that

- I already have everything I need for happiness
- I have a loving family
- I am better off then most of the world's population

Yet I cant stop wanting something better.

SO how can I stop comparing myself to other people? How can I find a fuse to stop this affluenza?

Thanks!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Wozzzaaa

SO how can I stop comparing myself to other people? How can I find a fuse to stop this affluenza?

I think that's kind of a myth, that you as you define yourself can stop an obsessive belief the same way you lift a weight or blink an eye. In my experience, I don't actually get to choose when I get the choice to stop believing something, I only get to make the choice when it's presented to me by my mind.

Applied to your situation, you don't get to choose when it will become possible for you to stop comparing yourself to other people. The processes that bring a choice like that into existence are convoluted and difficult to understand, and not subject to direct rational control.

Think of yourself as a farmer of your mind; you can plant the seeds, and you can harvest the fruit, but you can't make your crops grow. I believe that the seeds are planted when you make consistent, direct, and honest observations of your beliefs and behaviors. Right now, you have no fruit to harvest, i.e. you have no ability to make the change to the automatic processes that cause you to compare yourself to others. You will make the comparison, because you can't stop. No use getting frustrated that you can't do what's not possible.

What you can do is to honestly recognize the times you are comparing yourself, and the mechanism and purpose behind that behavior, i.e. plant more seeds and dump on the fertilizer. Why do you compare? What do you hope to accomplish by it? What benefit is your mind trying to obtain? Don't let your brain get away with doing it unobserved or covering it up with rationalizations. It's ok that you can't stop, because it's not your choice yet, and no amount of force or willpower will make it so. Be patient, observant, and understanding.

[Wozzzaaa]

Hi
I am think I am comparing because I feel regret. I did not complete my uni degree in my youth, so I can't easily advance in terms of job position & pay. So every time I look back I feel bitterness & regret at my previous poor choices, and I mercilessly blame myself.

As for finding a fuse, this is the strategy I have successfully used to personally develop & counter some of my other bad & destructive habits. By been aware of triggers, and then been aware of my mental response, I am successfully controlling my extreme negativity, stress, and procrastination. I was hoping to use the same technique to stop myself comparing to my peers.

I am a very logical person, so this sort of emotional awareness is still very new & strange to me.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Wozzzaaa

I am a very logical person, so this sort of emotional awareness is still very new & strange to me.

Logic still applies to emotions, in a way, it just doesn't work when you start with the wrong assumptions or apply it to the wrong issues.

For example:

Originally Posted by Wozzzaaa

I am think I am comparing because I feel regret. I did not complete my uni degree in my youth, so I can't easily advance in terms of job position & pay. So every time I look back I feel bitterness & regret at my previous poor choices, and I mercilessly blame myself.

In this, the assumption is that regret has an external cause; the lack of a degree. But is that where regret really comes from? I think that regret is an action you take, just the same as the comparisons. At some point in your life, you chose regret. So ask yourself this; what function does your regret serve when you generate it? Perhaps you use regret as a mechanism to cause yourself to improve your usefulness to others.

And don't just ask whether it works or not; ask whether you feel it could work. Faulty mechanisms like that are kept around not because they function, but because you have the impression that they could function and the fear that you'll never know if you stop trying. You'll never get rid of a feeling that doesn't work unless you come to believe that it will never work or that it will never be worth the cost.

I know that looking at feelings as actions rather than effects might be hard to swallow, but try it out. Things make a lot more sense when you see your feelings aren't coming from an external source.

[Steve Boyd]

I felt the same way when I was working bum jobs after getting my degree and all my peers were all doing better

(well not all of them, but you of course you only focus only on those who are doing better than you)

After a while I made strides and now I'm the one who's doing better than most my peers. Funny thing is I don't care about status anymore, social status used to be something that made me really stressed and now it's a nothing.

People generally only care about themselves, so I can pretty much guarantee you that you're peers simply don't care that you're beneath them. If they genuinely like you, then your status is irrelevant to them, cos you're just a swell person. If they don't genuinely like you and you're "just another person" then you won't even register on their radar.

So if it helps, you may view yourself as some sort of 'failure', but you'll be the only person on earth who thinks that way. Most people don't know/don't care either way, though a few enlightened souls will think you're really cool.

[Clint Cora]

Of course you hit it on the nail that you should not be worrying about the others since it is stressing you out. Trying to keep up with the Jones' has never been a healthy way.

However, it's okay to want to become more successful. But instead of just working yourself to death, you might want to look at those who are more successful than you are in a different way. Instead of just looking at their homes and cars, maybe you would benefit more by studying them to find out how they got there.

Instead of just working more, perhaps they have found ways to work better (which is a difference). Maybe they did things they you are not doing which made them more successful.

Instead of seeing them as competition to rate yourself against, see them as possible teachers so you can follow some of their success habits and apply them to your own life.

Hope this helps.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

Of course you hit it on the nail that you should not be worrying about the others since it is stressing you out. Trying to keep up with the Jones' has never been a healthy way.

However, it's okay to want to become more successful. But instead of just working yourself to death, you might want to look at those who are more successful than you are in a different way. Instead of just looking at their homes and cars, maybe you would benefit more by studying them to find out how they got there.

Instead of just working more, perhaps they have found ways to work better (which is a difference). Maybe they did things they you are not doing which made them more successful.

Instead of seeing them as competition to rate yourself against, see them as possible teachers so you can follow some of their success habits and apply them to your own life.

Hope this helps.

you give greaT ADVICE !

and I totally agree !

every monday I go to the bookstore and read a new book written by someone that has been successful in some way -it really opens your eyes to possibilities

worrying about what others think is not wrong it's just not useful or healthy and I know from experience that it's wasted time

so be the best that you can be !

[lifetimelearner]

oh and hugs !

[Matthew Cluff]

When you think thoughts that put you in a lower position than your co-workers, naturally, negative feelings are going to come and unless your thoughts change, you're going to be "stuck" there.

Think of new innovative ways you can contribute to the company and how you can improve your individual performance. Money comes in compensation for the value and service(s) we provide, and if you're able to raise those, you should naturally be compensated monetarily for it.

Use others success as inspiration for you to thrive, and realize that if someone else has done something, you can too!

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

every monday I go to the bookstore and read a new book written by someone that has been successful in some way -it really opens your eyes to possibilities

Hey folks - notice this about reading. It is one of the best things you can ever do for success. Keep learning and apply to your life. That's what successful people do!

[dogstar]

Originally Posted by Wozzzaaa

I look at their nicer houses, nicer cars and feel jealous which leads to some unhealthy behavior such as.

- Working myself into the ground, long overtime hours.
- Depression
- Stress

I'm guessing these people are far from perfect in other ways. I have friends with nicer houses and nicer cars - but they think I have a nicer husband, nicer child, better workday than they do. I think I have better end of the stick.

A loving family is way better than a nice house or a fancy car. Who wants silly, expensive things at your death bed?

I will admit it though - sometimes I get jealous of those silly, expensive things too.

[raykilleen]

Originally Posted by Wozzzaaa

SO how can I stop comparing myself to other people? How can I find a fuse to stop this affluenza?Thanks!

Perhaps one's ego needs to be investigated through skillful techniques and methodologies.