epiphany about time and identity

[A.K.Light]

I've always been analyzing too much and not doing enough. I've sort of had this cycle going on for a long time.

1. Possibilities are endless! Anything can be done! Everything is so interesting. This is a lot of fun.
2. Wait. I should actually do something and turn one of these great ideas into reality!
3. If I'm going to do that, I better make sure I pick the very best thing to dedicate myself to. I wouldn't want to waste my time!
4. Crap, I'm wasting my time! It seems that I've just gone back to number one!
5. I should just pick something and do it. It doesn't have to be perfect. Let's be practical here...
6. Wait, if I'm going to do that, I might as well not be dumb about it and do something at least somewhat worthwhile.
7. Even though I'm starting small, now that I'm actually going to start, I better make sure that I do the right thing.
8. Oops, I just restarted the whole cycle!

I've made the mistake of identifying myself as my "great ideas". I certainly think big, but those thoughts are not me. Those ideas, dreams, and goals that I constantly toss around in my head are not something that I must struggle to live up to. They do not own me or control me. They work for me! I come first! It's so weird and it might sound incredibly silly, but I've never thought about it like this before. I've been trying to live my life in the future. I've always seen myself as a more ideal version of myself - in the future. I've never actually realized that I am here, right now, and that THIS IS LIFE. I mean, of course I knew that already, but I didn't understand it in the way that I needed to until just recently.

I came to this realization early in the morning after being awake all night thinking. Sometimes I'll think so much about a particular thing that I completely stop myself from functioning! And this was one of those times. You see, I am expecting one of two things to happen eventually. Each outcome will entirely change the direction that my life is headed, so I was obsessing about it. I was analyzing everything when suddenly, it just hit me. My life isn't Path 1 or Path 2. My life is right now. I can't put my life on hold while I figure things like this out! I've got to put things like this on hold while I live my life! I laugh as I type that, because it seems so obvious, yet I'm glad that I finally understand it.

[InJoy]

This is an awesome post. As much as I concern myself with the present moment, reading this inspired me. Thank you for sharing.

So, what are you doing today?

[Sunnybayes]

i like

[A.K.Light]

Thank you, InJoy and Sunnybayes. I love to see the positive responses!

Originally Posted by InJoy

So, what are you doing today?

Great question! In short, I'm going to fill out some online applications since I'm looking for a new job. I've got a couple of places in mind, plus I'll go ahead and get connected with a couple of employment agencies too.

Also, I've decided to spend about 45 minutes a day cleaning my apartment. It's already very clean but I'm doing everything. I'm doing the things that usually would only get done once every six months. This place will be completely spotless and I'm purging much of my junk.

I'm doing a few other things. They are not big, but I am satisfied that I'm doing things most of the night instead of just wasting my time reading, thinking, and sleeping. The weekend will be much more fun since I won't have to work all day long. And now for some elaboration on the job thing...

I am completely unsatisfied with my job, and I have been for a long time. It's not fulfilling and I don't make enough. I cringe when people say "At least it pays the bills." It's true, it does pay the bills. I just get mad at myself when I hear that, because it reminds me of how I've settled for something much less than what I wanted and wasted too much of my time going nowhere just to pay the bills.

This whole time, for the last two years, I've not liked my job yet I've only managed to apply to one other place! And that was for a position I wasn't qualified for... I've been looking for the perfect opportunity. I've wanted to choose the right job. I didn't want to waste all the time and effort in getting a new job and then not liking that one too. Plus, I knew there was a chance that I would be moving very far away so I didn't want to waste the effort of starting a new job and then leaving it behind. Little did I realize that the entire time I was trying to save myself, I was forcing myself to suffer by holding myself back. I was placing more importance on landing the ideal job than I was placing on myself - the guy who actually has to deal with all of this every day. The job doesn't matter more than me. The job is there to serve me, not the other way around! If I had actually taken the plunge two years ago and went for something new, who knows where I could have been by now. I do know one thing though, I probably would have at least had more money and been happier the whole time. And I might have even gotten much farther than that!

For some strange reason I've always been able to easily overlook everything that I'm not happy with day to day, because I was always so concentrated on my amazing future. I'd actually buy dinner for my friends even though I was basically broke, and I would say "Don't worry about it. I'm a future millionare. Being broke now doesn't matter." That might not sound too terrible, but it just goes to show how detached from the current day I actually was. If I am going to be rich some day, eventually there's got to be a day when I start moving towards that goal. I have to plant those seeds because unfortunately no matter how they special and great they are, they don't seem to grow out of thin air.

I'm off! Thank you, thank you.

[Stu]

I recognize a lot of myself in what you describe A.K.Light. For me, I try to balance the here and now with the future me. I think both (present living and future living) are too important to ignore. It's a constant balancing act though, and there are definitaly days where I do all one or the other.

Anyway, very interesting post!

[Shamou]

Hello A.K.Light

You like positive input you say… well… you may not like this one… but, I think that it needs to be said…

You remind me of a ship that is rushing to a port… the problem is that… no one knows witch port it is going too…

The very first thing that you must do is to determine in details what it is that you want… physically, spiritually (optional) and mentally…

Second… you must determine what kind of a person you will have to be to achieve that goal… right now… you seem to want to become a millionaire… fine… but do you have the determination and self-discipline needed to become one…???

I don’t think so… you say that you think a lot… I think that you dream a lot… that’s not thinking…

You want to be a millionaire…??? read biographies about millionaires… find out what they did and who they had to become in order to become millionaires… and emulate them… shortest way to success…

If I have offended you… I am sorry… I did not meant too… but it seemed to me that you needed a wake up call… that is what this post was meant to be…

The very best of luck to you…

.

[A.K.Light]

Stu - I've always seemed to either be focused on the present moment or the distant future. What I've always sucked at doing was thinking about a goal (future) and then working towards that goal in the present moment. Now, I kind of feel like they are all connected.

Shamou - You're right. I appreciate wake up calls. Who doesn't want to be awake? I'm definitely not offended. None of what you've said is new to me, though. Now, I'm actually doing it. I've done more in the last two days than I usually do in a month. I'm not just talking about it, thinking about it, or dreaming about it anymore. Some people won't believe me, and they will just think that I'm talking my talk. It doesn't matter what they think though, so there would be no reason for me to argue. I'm happy with what I'm doing. My dreams WILL come true. I am going to make it all happen. Thanks!

[JJH]

@A.K.Light: great posts. Great realization.

Sometimes when you have overloaded your mind with compulsive thinking, and it shuts down, you realize YOU are still there. The mind/ego has cooked itself, but the "I" is still perfectly there. You have realized that YOU are not your mind, your thoughts, your ego. Exciting realization, and it only gets better from here. Because all there is, is NOW.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by A.K.Light

Shamou - You're right. I appreciate wake up calls. Who doesn't want to be awake? I'm definitely not offended. None of what you've said is new to me, though. Now, I'm actually doing it. I've done more in the last two days than I usually do in a month. I'm not just talking about it, thinking about it, or dreaming about it anymore. Some people won't believe me, and they will just think that I'm talking my talk. It doesn't matter what they think though, so there would be no reason for me to argue. I'm happy with what I'm doing. My dreams WILL come true. I am going to make it all happen. Thanks!

A.K.Light... it takes a big person to be able to take the kind of comment I made without being angry or offended... my hat goes off to you...

I can sincerely and honestly say that I believe that you've got what it takes... and that you will make it...

Hot digidi dog... that's the spirit... go out there and knock 'em dead... beautiful... just beautiful...

.

[A.K.Light]

JHH - Powerful message. Thank you!

Shamou - Everything is positive if you know how to take it the right way. Thank you!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by A.K.Light

Shamou - Everything is positive if you know how to take it the right way. Thank you!

You are one of the good ones... it's a privilege to share with you...

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