PD and your significant other

[Saidin]

I really love personal development in general. I like growing and learning and moving towards my goals and living my life with a purpose (even though I haven't found 'my true purpose' yet).

However, my girlfriend/soon to be wife is not interested in it at all. I've tried to gentilly (is that even English?) steer a few conversations in the direction of personal development, but it just seems like she wants to do what she does and that's it. It makes me a bit sad that she doesn't share this interest with me, even though it's become a major part of my life.

Don't get me wrong. She's a perfect partner/friend/etc. to me. I wouldn't trade her for the world and in the 11 years we've been together I've never had the feeling that the gras might be greener on the other side of the fence.

I'm obviously not going to force this interest on her and she doesn't mind at all that I'm spending much time on personal development. I just have the feeling she's missing out on great things in her life and I don't know how to show her, if I even should.

I guess I'm just wondering if anybody else has/had the same experience and how you've dealt with it.

[dmaterialized]

My girlfriends (I'm single for now) have generally not been too understanding of the PD. They've never thought it a bad thing, or made fun of me (why would I want to be with people like that?), but whenever I've tried to help them using the knowledge I've acquired, they've been relatively un-open to the ideas. I tend to end up with "tough" women, who know how to take care of themselves, and therefore don't really want someone else to tell them how to do it better.

My experience has been that, in general, my girlfriends have respected (and in one case, really loved) the fact that I was so eager to improve my life-- with that said, though, they've never desired to follow me down the rabbit hole. I don't see that as a huge problem; as you said, often your partner is perfect for you in every other way.

[madgeylou]

i hang out on a frugality message board, and this question comes up all the time. when people "get religion," whether it's wanting to save money, improve themselves, or give up eating meat, the natural inclination is to want the partner to participate as well.

but you cant force anyone to be interested. i think the best you can do is keep going towards your own goals. at some point, maybe your lady will see the new light in your eyes and ask you about some of the things you are doing that put it there. maybe she wont. but it's not up to you, either way.

what you can do is hold positive intentions for her and support her with your new improved intuitive and powerful self.

[StevenA]

I used to get visibly upset whenever my girlfriend rejected any PD advice I'd give her until I realized that by getting angry, I wasn't showing her a very good example of someone on the PD track. So I don't get upset anymore, and she knows that the ball is in her court.

[jandrewbentley]

This is definitely an interesting topic. I've delved into this myself for well over a year, yet I've never really looked to any source outside of myself to learn how to handle it.

I'll warn you now, this post might be a tad lengthy, yet it just may provide you with an awakening within yourself, if you can easily relate to this topic. If you dont care to hear my story, I wont be offended at all, so if you want to just get the pearl of it all, scroll to the bottom 3 paragraphs.

I'll give you a short summary of my PD and situation with my "other" so you can grasp my meaning fully.

I'm male, 21, in college and on the prowl for women. In highschool I was a natural ladies-man, which i really didnt appreciate fully until I got to college, fell into some bad habits, became obese, and just lost my "golden touch" with not only ladies but people in general. i decided to take a semester off, and I knew things had to change. Very long story short, I met up with a highschool friend during my semester-off, he presented some profound concepts (personal growth ideas) to me and told me to read "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill and to watch "Double Your Dating" by David Deangelo. At this point, I had already hit rock-bottom with nothing to lose, so I watched DYD, read T&GR, and all of a sudden my life got this HUGE boost, as if I had tripled the positivity of where I was in life. That was 1.5 years ago.

Now, I've been through sooooooooooo much personal development, I really must have learned more in this past 1.5 years than I ever did of anything in highschool (no exaggeration!).

So, finally to the "significant other" bit, well I cannot exactly relate to the significant part, my story is about a pretty serious girlfriend. I started talking to this girl named Kat that I really liked (this was around the days that I finished up DYD and had an enormous boost in my dating life again). We started dating, and probably within the first month of dating, I began sharing some of the concepts I was learning in PD. Now, the way I was then was very... I guess straight-forward is a great way to say it. I would share the concepts to her not really to "change" her, but more to get benefit from teaching this information to others, because teaching anything to someone else solidies the knowledge within your mind!

Ultimately, Kat and I met a bifucation point (a fork in the road). We were either going to start being more serious, or end it all. Luckily, I was at the point I could seperate myself from anything exterior, including a girlfriend. I told her that I had big standards, and that I required my "other" to be passionate about personal growth in life, to the point that she is either at my level of growth passion or exceeding it. Its good to have boundries, because earlier in my life, I settled alot and didn't really get what I wanted much. What really drove me to set this boundry was the idea my parents implanted into my head through growing up, that whoever I marry and I must share at least the deepest passions together, which provides much more growth together than ever was possible seperately.

So, Kat and I had this agreement, and she liked me so much that she started personal growth as well. I want to keep this post fairly short, so I'll just summarize the rest. Basically, over the next 3-4 months, she was doing growth, but at about the 5-6 month period we discovered she was doing it to impress me, to keep me around, as if NOT doing growth would make me leave (and she was right, in the early stages I would have). She has a people-not-loving-her complex, so thats the root of that. I digress.

Fast-forward to the present. About 6 months ago we decided to split apart, things were getting too complicated, and she was still doing everything to please me more than to actually grow for herself. Now, we live in a 2 bedroom apartment together (its sometimes hard to explain to people that her and I, guy and girl living together only as friends is possible). I practice my personal growth constantly daily, and she does it about half my speed, but she is nonetheless.

Here is the bottom-line, the "pearl of it all". Basically, this girl that I am now simply friends and I are on these terms. If you want to present these terms to your girlfriend, or dare I say spouse, thats up to you to do. I'm not responsible for any reactions or situations that you dont like that occur if you follow my footsteps (however, I'm very glad I walked my path and wouldn't have changed a thing.)

Kat and I are just friends. I am growing as a person daily, and she is growing as a person too. As we grow, if we grow apart, thats what is meant to happen. If we grow together, thats what is meant to happen. All personal growth should be done for yourself, and not to please another/gain acceptance from them. The person should love you for who you are, not what you know or what you can do. If your "other" isn't into growth, and its a life passion of yours, I'm not going to say things wouldn't work out, but I will say that you will find yourself quite frustrated quite often that the person you are closest to in life doesn't share with you in the thing your most passionate about. If your in a "light" relationship (girlfriend/boyfriend), you might consider getting out or just being single. If your married and you just found PD and your spouse isn't into it... stick with it and perhaps they will see how great of a thing it is.

Thanks for reading all of this if you did. Reply with your comments on my story, or any specific questions at all. I believe a troubled road should be easily avoided by everyone else if at least one person walked down it already.

Andrew Bentley

[Henry]

Yeah I can't get her to read anything. I tried audio books from Audible a few times but she just got bored and fell asleep in the car. I guess they'll "open their eyes" when they're ready.

When the learner is ready, the knowledge will present itself.

[kthdsn]

My husband isn't really into improving himself. I love him for who he is and I have no interest in trying to change him. He is happy with who he is now and that's fine by me.

I do discuss my ideas with him and he listens and understands my points of view, but he doesn't share them. He is very supportive of anything I want to try, which is wonderful, but he doesn't want to try it all with me. This is fine by both of us.

I believe that if you love each other then you accept each other for who you are and leave it at that. If my husband decides to join me in the world of personal development then I will be delighted. If not then I will carry on by myself and continue to share my ideas with him.

I think if you want a partner to grow with you, then you have to find a partner who wants to grow. If you are truly happy with your current partner then accept her for who she is, and grow on your own.

[Hugh Hollowell]

True Story:

In my early 20's, I dated a woman who was into PD. She ands I would read books with each other, we would talkk about ideas, and cetera. The perfect woman.

One day she told me she had grown "beyond" me.

shewhoisaddored (my kid's mom) is a wonderful woman, who, like all of us, is on her own path. You can't make someone "want" it, any more than you can make someone be hungry.

As an early mentor of mine once said, "The vast majority of people are exactly where they want to be".

The sad thing is most of them don't know it.

[Saidin]

Great replies from all of you. Thanks a lot.

Like I said, I'm not going to 'force' personal development on my girlfriendsoontobewife. We're in a great relationship as it is. However, I do see places where she can improve the quality of her life.

Example: she gets stressed easily. When something bad happens, she only sees the problem. Without labelling it 'personal development' I try to get her to focus on the solution(s) instead of the problem. It helps her when I help her do this, but in all the years she's never been able to adopt this mindset herself.

This is just one example. I wish to make her happy, which works, but only when I'm there to help in situations like this. Not that she's an unhappy person, but she'd be so much better of spending energy on other things.

[RandomJohn]

I think it's all about pacing and timing. The best you can do is model the changes you make and simply be yourself. You are the best shining example of your personal development.

After evangelizing PD a couple of years ago to my wife, and meeting her resistance, I decided to just let it go and do what I do. Long story short, we are talking a lot more about these ideas now than we ever used to. It takes time, but people take their own paths.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by RandomJohn

I think it's all about pacing and timing. The best you can do is model the changes you make and simply be yourself. You are the best shining example of your personal development.

After evangelizing PD a couple of years ago to my wife, and meeting her resistance, I decided to just let it go and do what I do. Long story short, we are talking a lot more about these ideas now than we ever used to. It takes time, but people take their own paths.

I feel you've got it right, RandomJohn. My girlfriend isn't into personal dev either, but I do my best to listen to Gandhi; 'you must be the change you wish to see in the world', and walk my talk.

And I've found our relationship to be one of the best personal dev seminars ever in my entire life

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Saidin

Example: she gets stressed easily. When something bad happens, she only sees the problem. Without labelling it 'personal development' I try to get her to focus on the solution(s) instead of the problem. It helps her when I help her do this, but in all the years she's never been able to adopt this mindset herself.

I'm in a similar situation. My SO also gets stressed easily and I wish she'd do something about it. But I quickly learnt that any suggestion to that effect just makes her more stressed. Unless the individual in question is supremely comfortable within themselves, any suggestions from an SO (no matter how gently or considerately phrased) risk coming across as criticism.

Another term for "Personal Development" is "Self Development" - it can only work when it's self-motivated.

IMO, the best you can do is to provide unconditional love and support so that she has the strength to pursue it herself one day, and to continue to (non-judgementally) model a better way yourself. (Yes, easier said than done and I'm not perfect at it).

It might help to look at this as a personal development challenge for you - to learn to be supportive without judging, and to not let other people's stage of development irritate you. I'm certainly trying to handle it that way. (Again, easier said than done; I'm beginning to think it's something that requires deliberate conscious practice rather than 'just' willpower).

I'd like to end with a quote from the Dao De Jing:
"Therefore the Sage can act without doing anything and teach without saying a word."