What is the best way to develop a habit?

[ricky]

I have heard many times that it takes 21 days to develop a habit but I have never found that to be true. Here are a few examples:

I went to the gym every single day (I mentioned it in another forum as well) for 90+ days and after that something came up and I decided to take a break for a few days and the habit broke. That was 8 months ago and I have gone to the gym maybe 3-4 times every since that time.

I decided to do my dishes right after I use them. This was because my dishes were always piling up.
I did the dishes right after I used them every single time for around 1 year and then something happened and I am back to the way I used to be before I started to work towards this.

Watch no t.v. I stopped watching t.v. and I kept that up for about 6-7 months and recently I started watching t.v. again and it seems like I am back to the way I used to be, t.v.'s on all the time now.

Is there anything that I am missing out? Whatever happened to those 21 days? These are just few of the examples. I have tried many times with many different things but the habits just do not stick. I end up going back to my old habits. ????

Thank you
Ricky

[aabukar]

i dont beleive that 21 days or 100 days or one day are accurate

i have tried such approaches as well i committed myself to go to the gym for 3 months ... and i was going every day for a month then i decided to take a break for few days and then i never show up

later i thought the reason is that i was moving too fast so instead of join every class and work on machines every day i decided to take only classes for three days in the week for a month ... guess what? i went for a day and never came back

and now i bought a treadmill and kept it at my house i was working on it every day but i decided to take a break because i made an operation in my ear but i am sure this time i will come back why? i have a new plan

write a note that reminds you of your goals ... "your new habits" and why you decided to do so ... write the number of days if you want for how long you are committing to it ...etc whatever that can motivates you and that motivated you to start working on this habit in the first place... then place this note in a place where you can see it and keep reading it every time you feel you need to or read it in a regular basis ... i think we tend to get lazy and therefore even if you committed yourself for a year ... sometimes it would be easier to let go and return to the way you were

i always promise myself to do things .... and sometimes i do break my promise but instead of keeping it broken i renew the promise and start over .... every time for ever ... dont wait for a period to end up that works for me i hope it will work for u too

[pinkhighlighter]

I find the same thing with myself.
I start doing something and after a while I slack a little and don't seem to get back to it.
I'm definitely still learning how to set priorities in my life.
I know a couple people (and only a couple) who do not touch the computer until and unless they have done everything else they need to during a regular day. This means they don't go on until night usually. But the point is, they just don't do it. Now, I need my computer for work, but I would love to be able to control myself while I'm on it. Earlier this week I did it for a couple days and then got back into my old habits of checking e-mail far too much, checking if friends were online etc.

I find what does help is to review a to-do list every morning. It sets you on the correct path for the day. It's just something you need to keep reminding yourself. "I am going to do this tonight." "I will have essert after I do the dishes, as a reward for being so good." Hehe.

[Adam]

Practice holding to your habit.

That way, if you mess up, you can say to yourself "Oh well, it was only practice. I should get back to practicing without worrying about that mistake."

The key is to remember that everything that we do is practice... Even our big performances where we won't get a second chance if we mess up are only practice for the next big performance without a second chance.

There are millions of distractions in the world, and if we're not in the mindset of all of our actions simply being practice, then falling for a distraction could be a major set-back, because we feel like we failed. We can't fail at practicing, as long as we practice again, so there are no major set-backs. It takes practice to become a smoker, just as it takes practice to run two miles without walking. It takes practice to sleep in late, just as it takes practice to wake up early each morning. We can not fail to practice, but we can make a conscious decision about what we want to practice.

It also takes a lot less willpower to practice, but the results are the same as if we had forced ourselves to do those tasks. Instead of using brute force and willpower, tiring ourselves out mentally, it's a lot easier to use psychological leverage, such as always practicing, using positive thinking, or just plain taking a placebo.

[ricky]

So, who came up with "it takes 21 days to build a habit"?

It seems like if you're using pure will power to stay with the habit, you can't stay with it for too long. Since, the mind does not like to be forced to do something. Whereas if you're motivated to do something, you're more likely to stick with it.
Even when I went to the gym for 90 days straight, I think the reason it was easy for me to stop going and the reason it didn't develop into a habit was:
1 - I had forced myself to go even if that meant that I would not get enough sleep, or I would have to give up other things that I might have enjoyed
2 - I didn't see much benefit from going to the gym for so long. To get benefit from going to the gym, other factors have to be there e.g. proper diet and rest but I only was doing one part and that was going to the gym.
So, even though I went to the gym, it left me tired, over trained and not wanting to go again.
Maybe habits can develop easier if we are motivated to develop them and we see positive results? hmm...

[RT Wolf]

Read the self-discipline series that pavlina wrote, might help.

[Love]

Originally Posted by Adam

Practice holding to your habit.



The key is to remember that everything that we do is practice... Even our big performances where we won't get a second chance if we mess up are only practice for the next big performance without a second chance.

Interesting perspective!

[Keith]

I had something similar happen. I suspect that a habit, once built, just means that you continue in a particular routine without having to think about it, or try particularly hard - it's routine. But once you break that routine, you break the habit.

You said that you decided to take a break for a few days. ie. You chose to step out of the routine - it was no longer running. That means you have to reboot it from scratch again. Depending on the particular habit, that may be easier or harder than the first time around.

In summary: Be very, very cautious about 'taking a break' from a habit - it may not be there when you come back from your break!

[Phil Newton]

The best way to develop a habit is repetition.
The best way to develop a habit is repetition.
The best way to develop a habit is repetition...

Jokes aside, practice and repetition are really the best ways to build new habits. As Keith said, be cautious about taking a break - it can really throw you off course. Start with one habit first, and concentrate on building it for a month. Eventually the resistance will fade and carrying it out will be much easier.

My high school physics teacher once said that to really excel in the subject, I needed to make the material "my own". I believe this approach works for habits too. When you start, it's somebody else's habit, but as you move forward it begins to change into something that is personal and works for you.

[Fusebox]

Phil Newton is on the money.

And when it becomes habit, a break from that habit starts to feel strange. This strange feeling should aid you to getting back into the practice that you may have missed for a few days.

Best example I can give is exercise. Miss one day and I feel like down/depressed. But when I do it, I know Ive achieved a major life goal

[ricky]

Thank you everyone for their responses. I am willing to do whatever it takes to develop new habits but I want to know how long is enough? Like I said, even going on for 6-8 months has not been enough for me. Does that mean that I have too much resistance, too much negativity against new habits? Too set in my old ways?
21 days or 30 days has not been working for me. It actually never worked for me and I stuck to many many different things religiously.

I am beginning to seriously think that unless one sees a benefit from a habit, no matter how long they stick to it, they'll fall back into their old patterns.

If I workout for 30 days and I see results and am really happy then most likely I'll continue and would want to continue but if on the other hand if I keep working out and I see no change, then the motivation goes down and mind starts to think "what's the point? why am I going through all this trouble?"

[Keith]

Originally Posted by ricky

I am beginning to seriously think that unless one sees a benefit from a habit, no matter how long they stick to it, they'll fall back into their old patterns.

There's a lot of truth to that. A habit can go indefinitely under its own power but how well it survives a disruption probably depends on how much you value what it brings you..

[placebo]

Habit should become part of you, not just an automatic job your body do with no thinking. You have to see that doing something is leading you closer to your goal. What was your reason to go to the gym? I guess it was good posture. It's probably ok, but there are days when we just don't care about our posture or our look and then we stop working out for a few days and our posture is still good. So we forget how we got all those muscles pumped up and quit going to the gym.

but my reason for working out is to feel more energized and healthier. And because energy and health are things we need in our whole life, not just in our youth i feel much more motivated than i was when going to gym just to be able to pick up some girls on the beach.

I guess behind habits are our reasons to have that habit. When we do something that we want to do as habit our brain is filled with chemicals of positive emotions. And human body is addicted to positive emotions. The main thing you should try is to find emotion that will keep you satisfied all the time, not just partialy. It works for me.

[ricky]

I had not gone to the gym for the past 4-5 years or so and almost everyone I knew wanted to go to the gym but could not commit to it. I was surrounded by people who were wishing they could but never did and kept making excuses. So, I started to go to the gym just to maybe prove to myself that I could commit to it even when others I knew of couldn't. It was more to prove a point to myself that I could do it. I was probably doing it for the wrong reasons. That's why it was easy for me to break that habit.
If it was done for a good reason like good health, more energy, or even a better and a stronger body, I might have never stopped going to the gym.
It's amazing how clear everything has become now. I feel so much better and clear about all this now that I shared it with everyone here. Had I continued to think of a solution by myself, I might have just gotten into a vicious negative cycle and might have thought that maybe there's something wrong with me.
You folks are simply awesome! Thank you.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by ricky

So, I started to go to the gym just to maybe prove to myself that I could commit to it even when others I knew of couldn't. It was more to prove a point to myself that I could do it. I was probably doing it for the wrong reasons. That's why it was easy for me to break that habit.

Yup, that happens to me too. If I do it just to prove to myself that I can, then once I have done it, I mentally tick it off and lose interest in doing it.

Originally Posted by ricky

It's amazing how clear everything has become now. I feel so much better and clear about all this now that I shared it with everyone here.

Great stuff.

[Sworn]

This is great stuff here in this thread. I started a thread with my own kindof situation with my habits.

So there is more to repeating something for at least 21 days and then let it run on autopilot.
There are many well known and respected gurus that guarantee this no questions asked.
But thats ok, now we know what to do.

Thanks to all you guys sharing your experiences and your insights.
In case one's interested here's the article of a pickup guru that sparked my devotion to habits
Implementing a habit (Article by Tyler) - Real Social Dynamics Community

[ricky]

That's a great article. Thank you for the link.
From my experience with developing habits and disciplining myself and after conversing with folks on this thread, I have finally figured out something about myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't keep a habit.
But now, I know that my will is quite strong and I can easily discipline myself to do anything pretty much AS LONG AS I have a good reason to.
A reason to prove to myself that I can do it is not a good enough reason. Like Keith also mentioned that once you prove to yourself that you can do a certain thing, the motivation goes down and eventually you stop.
In the article mentioned by Sworn, the person had a goal in mind. He wanted to pick up girls. Thus, developing habits was not as difficult.
Whenever we try to develop a habit, it's the hardest right at the beginning. But once we're doing it for a while, it's quite easy to maintain it. Again, you have to have a good reason to develop that habit.

[alexyeo]

If you want to cultivate a habit but you don't like the activity you are doing, you are merely forcing yourself to do it and should not be considered a habit. Its more like you are disciplined rather than a habit.

In my opinion, if you have a passion for an activity, eg: swimming twice a week, and you set priorities on it, that will automatically become a habit in the long run. You will feel a bit strange if you break the habit even for a week.

If you find yourself unable to continue the habit that you always have been doing, maybe its time to ask yourself whether you still have the "fire in you" to continue it.

Come to think of it.... if you have a habit of drinking coffee, it's because you LIKE coffee. If you have a habit of being playing basketball weekly, its because you LIKE basketball. Isn't it?

[Liara Covert]

Many previous postings offer useful insight. I would add that if you condition yourself to believe you enjoy doing something, even discover a passion for it, then you eliminate the need to force yourself into a pattern or habit at all.