Letting Go of Personal Development.

[MrSam]

Hey guys,
You probably don't remember me since I was here for a little while then left. The post you should remember the most of me is my blog post. ( At least I hope). Nonetheless I used to be on this forum under an other user name but I forgot the password and user name so I redid this one.

Anyways I'm 16, and have been involved ( and by involved I mean personally) in the PD world since I'm 13. Sure My interests in PD evolved. I started out with Pick up, which led me to lifestyle, which led me to health, which led me to pure goal setting and achievement which led me to Online business. And although I don't yet have a business I've read loads of books, downloaded illegally really expensive programs( I'm sorry, but I did it for a good purpose if it can help?).It would be a bad idea to set up a business in France, so anti-entrepreneur.
But recently since let's say september I've stepped away from having clear personal development goals, or to say the least a List of goals.

I just went with the flow, sure I've had some goals, but more long term ones which I don't really consider as goals, because goals are something you set yourself to work out constantly. Mine just became a part of my life, like lifting weights and improving is just a natural part of my day, Working hard at school( thing that I have never done -ever) has became natural.

And when I returned yesterday on this forum to post about my new blog post, what I realized is that a lot of people who involved in PD have gotten caught up. You're like " by end of december I need to have done goals 1,2,3,4,5,and 8 because I've procrastinated, so therefore I'll stop eating at lunch to get my goals done".

And by trying to stay ahead of your goals, you end up by getting caught up in the more important life.


What I see is kind of hard to explain, but I wonder if you know the feeling, of making your goals your number 1 priority and not taking the time between achieving a goal and setting a new one to lay back and appreciate your results.

I should recommend Everyone takes like 1 week or more if you will off from PD, and just sit back and look how your life has changed from before you were in the Personal Development world.
Look at your state of mind
Look at your financial situation
Look at your relationships
Look at your body
Look at all those things that are important to you.

That way you will be able to Realize that Oh maybe I've got to stop beating myself up about my physical condition because I'm way beyond my goals.
You'll also get the distance to see what areas of your life you need to focus on and which are doing just fine.

I'm not saying to quit PD, PD is wonderful, and it'd be maybe bad to quit it, but just take a break and lean back.

Know what I mean? Had any similar experiences?

Thanks for reading.

Sam.

[James81]

This is a pretty common scenario, shared by many of the people who are actively in personal development.

I've been saying for a long time that personal development is the problem, not the solution. And I mean that from the perspective that personal development is the question, not the answer.

I see people bouncing around in a phase that I was once in...the one that says "I'VE HAD A ENOUGH! IT'S TIME TO DOOOOOO! AND LIVVEEEEEE!" And then take bans from forums, pack away their books, and go out and just live.

And, invariably, they all wind up right back where they left off, diving right back into the resources. It creates a grand tug-o-war, one that is based and rooted in achievment rather than contentment.

As long as you feel like there's something to achieve, you're going to feel that tug of war. When you let go of the notion that personal development is about achievment and move toward the notion that it's about about self-examination, reflection, and then contentment, you'll never feel that tug again.

Setting goals, productivity, ahievment, money...all of that is just things. Stuff. And the whole personal development world literally banks on you desiring those things.

You can have everything that you ever truly wanted, right now, in this instant....if you choose it. No, it will not be a million dollars. No, it will not be a business. What you can have is the states that you think those things will bring you....happiness, contentment, love, etc.

There's something to let go of here, but it's not personal development. It's the thought that what you achieve will ultimately bring you those states you desire when you are fully equipped and capable of choosing those states right now, in this moment.

[Savage]

These conclusions are symptoms of being bad at goal setting and achievement. Lots of people are bad at it. It takes time to calibrate and get good at it.

In truth you can never give up PD or goal setting because they happen automatically. Even since you were a baby you've been growing and learning.

You can only choose to be less conscious about the process. Then you fall back to super easy goals like picking what movie to see or deciding what your next meal will be. You'll succeed at these easy goals, but living like that will get boring after a while, and you'll eventually want to revisit goal setting to achieve more interesting desires.

A better approach is to build skill and adjust your calibration. Lots of newbies over-do their goals and drop all the balls. It just takes time to learn where the sweet spot is, so you set goals that are challenging but achievable without being overwhelming.

[Savage]

Personal development is really just another name for skill-building and education.

Reading a book or taking a class is personal development in action.

Ultimately personal development is about 3 things:
- discovering practical truths you can use
- feeling better (more joy and happiness and motivation)
- getting stronger (adding and expanding capabilities)

[MrSam]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

These conclusions are symptoms of being bad at goal setting and achievement. Lots of people are bad at it. It takes time to calibrate and get good at it.

There is some truth there since I relate to what you say.

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

In truth you can never give up PD or goal setting because they happen automatically. Even since you were a baby you've been growing and learning.

You can only choose to be less conscious about the process. Then you fall back to super easy goals like picking what movie to see or deciding what your next meal will be. You'll succeed at these easy goals, but living like that will get boring after a while, and you'll eventually want to revisit goal setting to achieve more interesting desires.

A better approach is to build skill and adjust your calibration. Lots of newbies over-do their goals and drop all the balls. It just takes time to learn where the sweet spot is, so you set goals that are challenging but achievable without being overwhelming.

I guess I've over pressured myself. I don't despise failure, because failing means learning, I just don't accept it. So by setting to many to hard/unrealistic goals, I just felt like I was letting myself down.

I'm not saying that you should Let go of PD. You've helped me get clearer on my message which is: If you over do your goals like you say, it's not a bad idea to drop the balls, take a long breath, and pick the balls up with a different approach.

You can have everything that you ever truly wanted, right now, in this instant....if you choose it. No, it will not be a million dollars. No, it will not be a business. What you can have is the states that you think those things will bring you....happiness, contentment, love, etc

Yes you can be happy without a million dollars being business or whatever. You can't buy hapiness, contentment or love.
Just like the guy says you can live your day to day life achieving nothing being crazy inlove with the world, being extremely happy, but you'd quickly get bored. Right now I have lots going on in my life, and being in school, The goals are sort of set for me, and I'm aiming high.

[James81]

Originally Posted by MrSam

Yes you can be happy without a million dollars being business or whatever. You can't buy hapiness, contentment or love.
Just like the guy says you can live your day to day life achieving nothing being crazy inlove with the world, being extremely happy, but you'd quickly get bored. Right now I have lots going on in my life, and being in school, The goals are sort of set for me, and I'm aiming high.

On the contrary, actually. I'm not bored, I'm fascinated. I've got so many avenues of things I want to explore, that I literally bounce around from one thing to the next. I've got enough stuff on my plate, that I don't think I could ever get bored with this life. That I don't think there'll ever come a moment when I'm not creating or doing something.

Contentment has not led me to "doing nothing." On the contrary, contentment has challenged me to become an explorer, to expand, to always be asking myself bigger and bigger questions.

The ideas I've mentioned aren't necessarily about learning to live with nothing. On the contrary, and it goes against the grain of most personal development materials I've seen, when you learn to be content with what is, you create what will be automatically. If you're relegating yourself to doing nothing, you're not finding contentment...you're recouperating...from what? Only you can answer that.

The difference between what I"m saying and personal development as it now stands, is that creations become a byproduct on contentment...not the other way around. I think the PD world has it backwards.

I like what the Conversations With God author has to say about it:

"I challenge you to become the grandest version of the greatest vision you ever had about yourself."

[MrSam]

So basically what you're saying is achievement won't bring you happiness or contentment but happiness and contentment will lead you to what you need for achievement?

I still believe that to achieve you need to work hard on the right things. And that that is the core of it.

[James81]

Originally Posted by MrSam

So basically what you're saying is achievement won't bring you happiness or contentment but happiness and contentment will lead you to what you need for achievement?

Not necessarily. I'm saying that once you realize that you can create contentment and happiness on your own (without external achievements and influence), the idea of achievement will disappear from your life entirely.

In its place, then, comes the more authentic desire to create and explore, which, to me anyway, are much more satisfying than my ahievements (which I have several of those under my belt as well).

Originally Posted by MrSam

I still believe that to achieve you need to work hard on the right things. And that that is the core of it.

I believe you. That's the core as you know it. The wall of which you're current experience has taken you.

I'm just nudging you to expand that wall a bit.

[MrSam]

All opinion is only partial. That is one lesson I have learned, So I'm listening, but can you clarify what you mean by exploration and creation?

[James81]

Originally Posted by MrSam

All opinion is only partial. That is one lesson I have learned, So I'm listening, but can you clarify what you mean by exploration and creation?

Sure. I'll define what I mean about achievement as well.

Achievement: the need to acquire something, or to do something, that sets you on a path from a lower level to some higher level. For example, the need to make more money, to have more stuff, to gain more status. It's almost supplicating in nature because you feel that you can't *be* something unless you have or do something that gets you to that level. And if you don't get to that level, then you're going to feel discontent until you do. (It's why personal development is such a hot idea...because it plays into that discontentment based on the thought that you are at one level and need to get to another level.)

Creation: An unconscious product of conscious desire. That is, the things that spring out of you naturally. We have a lot of this as kids. We play cops and robbers, we color, we draw, we play "let's pretend," games, etc. But we forget how to do it as adults. It's a playfulness, rooted in our most authentic desires. The end product is something that springs from the things that inspire us naturally, but a lot of times we tell ourselves we don't have time to do this because of our adult responsibilities.

Exploration: A bold curiosity about life and the world in which we live in. Travelling is a big aspect of exploration. Going new places, doing new things, having new experiences.

The disconnect betweeen creation and exploration and achievement, I think, is that we feel we can't live off of our creation/exploration. That the only way to make a living is to achieve something (like status, money, a career, a business, etc.).

To me, though, if you want have the best of both worlds, you just add focus. Which is seeing your creations and explorations through to completion in a way that provides value to others.

[James81]

I also think that you can find ways to create and explore in any situation you are in. Which means if you are working a job to put food on the table, you can use your creative and explorative abilities WITHIN that job.

I'm doing it right now, actually. It's part of the reason why I've went from hating and loathing my job to being perfectly content right where I'm at.

[Savage]

For men achieving goals (even minor ones) triggers the release of testosterone, which has many health benefits.

When men don't set goals and achieve them, they're actually more likely to feel lethargic and gain weight, partly because their testosterone levels drop.

High achievers often go from one cool goal to the next, riding waves of high testosterone that come from achieving each milestone.

I feel an energy boost whenever I publish a new article. But if I write a partial article and then scrap it, my energy drops instead.

[MrSam]

Yeah, you have just brought up some of my worries. You have been patient with me so I hope you can bear with me a lil more.

About achievement, I feel that having an MBA is what I need to have the credibility to start a business, I also feel that being in France is limiting me business wise and that if I moved to germany which is much more pro entrepreneur I'd be able to start up a business easier. I know the first is not true from what I have read, but getting my MBA in germany seems as it would make me able to live in germany and I just make up all these reasons why I couldn't skip college and start out experiencing starting my own business.

Although I feel and know that I could do all this stuff without these "achievements" I'm blocked in a mindset.

Starting my own business is something that I've always wanted to do because I percieve it as an interesting business, and just something I would generally like to try. But I'm just confused as what I need to do.

Sorry for going off topic.

[James81]

Originally Posted by MrSam

Yeah, you have just brought up some of my worries. You have been patient with me so I hope you can bear with me a lil more.

About achievement, I feel that having an MBA is what I need to have the credibility to start a business, I also feel that being in France is limiting me business wise and that if I moved to germany which is much more pro entrepreneur I'd be able to start up a business easier. I know the first is not true from what I have read, but getting my MBA in germany seems as it would make me able to live in germany and I just make up all these reasons why I couldn't skip college and start out experiencing starting my own business.

Although I feel and know that I could do all this stuff without these "achievements" I'm blocked in a mindset.

Starting my own business is something that I've always wanted to do because I percieve it as an interesting business, and just something I would generally like to try. But I'm just confused as what I need to do.

Sorry for going off topic.

I think pursuing your MBA is a wonderful goal for you to have. And I think it'll be a very powerful tool for you in the business you want to create (assuming that the business relates to the degree you get that is). I wouldn't advice you getting a Master's degree in something just because you're told that without a degree you're going to flounder. But if the degree you pursue applies directly to what you intend to do, then it's going to open doors and create opportunities for you that you might not get otherwise.

In that vein, I think the MBA becomes less of an achievement and more of a tool you use to explore your passion.

Does that make more sense?

[Cochonette]

I've been saying for a long time that personal development is the problem, not the solution. And I mean that from the perspective that personal development is the question, not the answer.

I like the way you put it. But, reading about PD and PD in action are two different things.

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

For men achieving goals (even minor ones) triggers the release of testosterone, which has many health benefits.

When men don't set goals and achieve them, they're actually more likely to feel lethargic and gain weight, partly because their testosterone levels drop.

High achievers often go from one cool goal to the next, riding waves of high testosterone that come from achieving each milestone.

I feel an energy boost whenever I publish a new article. But if I write a partial article and then scrap it, my energy drops instead.

Women have testosterone, too. And energy levels. LOL. Our minds aren't different.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Our minds aren't different.

Neuro-chemically, they are indeed different, much like our bodies are different.

[Mounds]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I feel an energy boost whenever I publish a new article. But if I write a partial article and then scrap it, my energy drops instead.

That's very true. Even if I accomplish the most mundane goal, I feel like a million dollars. Not finishing things just leads to more not finishing things.

[Angela]

Me, too. Completing things generates energy. That's why all it takes to generate motivation is taking on some small task in the area I'm looking at, and one completion rolls right into the next.

[MrSam]

Originally Posted by James81

I think pursuing your MBA is a wonderful goal for you to have. And I think it'll be a very powerful tool for you in the business you want to create (assuming that the business relates to the degree you get that is). I wouldn't advice you getting a Master's degree in something just because you're told that without a degree you're going to flounder. But if the degree you pursue applies directly to what you intend to do, then it's going to open doors and create opportunities for you that you might not get otherwise.

In that vein, I think the MBA becomes less of an achievement and more of a tool you use to explore your passion.

Does that make more sense?

Yes this does make sense, But I read in a lot of places that business schools are outdated, and that you can teach yourself everything you need to know, through books seminars and audio/video courses.
But I have the feeling that possessing an MBA gives you credibility you otherwise wouldn't have. Any comment on this?

[James81]

Originally Posted by MrSam

Yes this does make sense, But I read in a lot of places that business schools are outdated, and that you can teach yourself everything you need to know, through books seminars and audio/video courses.
But I have the feeling that possessing an MBA gives you credibility you otherwise wouldn't have. Any comment on this?

First of all, don't believe everything you read on the internet.

Here's the way I see it. You can teach yourself everything you know. In fact, when you go to college, that's exactly what you do. I was a bit shell-shocked in my college experience when I would get teachers I couldn't understand (that is, their english was very poor), so I got literally nothing from their lectures. That was a big adjustment to go from high school, where the teachers kinda spoonfeed you the material, to college where it's a lecture environment that you get very little out of, sometimes even if you see the teacher in their office after class to ask them about stuff. The communication barrier got to be pretty hard to surmount in some classes.

And that mostly kind of forced me to learn how to teach myself the material. And, towards the end of my college career, I finally *got* that that was what college was all about for me. Learning how to teach myself so that I don't rely on someone else to teach me.

My point being is that it's all going to be self taught. The difference, and this is the difference that makes the difference, is how do you SHOW people that you know this stuff?

With a degree, that's pretty easy. You say, well, I have my MBA. To a LOT (and I mean almost everybody) that holds way more credibility than saying "Ok, I know this material but never got a degree."

How do you show someone you know how to do something when you don't have a degree? Sure, it's possible, but I think you relegate your status to word of mouth then. You do work for peanuts (or for free) to gain experience and then you garner testimonials from past clients that say "Hey, this guy knows what he's talking about."

Whereas, a degree is sort of a ready-made "proof" that you are qualified. Add in a few years of professional work experience outside of college and you just beef your credibility up that much more.

[MrSam]

OK I really agree with you on the MBA being a proof of being qualified.

The issue is as you said, how to make people believe you are qualified without a degree.
I will still try and pursue this goal, in Europe we have quite a few business schools (specially in germany) which offer not as expensive as others MBA programs, and programs combining a bachelors degree and an MBA

[Mounds]

Well, the one good thing about being an entrepreneur is that you can slip past without a degree. If you plan on one day working for a larger company, get the degree (what James said). If you can afford it, get the degree.
I'm taking a business course right now and I thought I knew it all before. Not even close.

-Tim

[Brutha]

What kind of business do you want to start?

[Lioness]

Originally Posted by James81

...I was a bit shell-shocked in my college experience when I would get teachers I couldn't understand (that is, their english was very poor), so I got literally nothing from their lectures. That was a big adjustment to go from high school, where the teachers kinda spoonfeed you the material, to college where it's a lecture environment that you get very little out of, sometimes even if you see the teacher in their office after class to ask them about stuff. The communication barrier got to be pretty hard to surmount in some classes.

OT: I have heard this before and I think it is rorally unacceptable to pay the astronomical cost of a college education only to have unintelligible and/or incompetent professors. There should be a complaint procedure if there is a consensus among the students, where a dean or higher authority would have to observe the class and remedy the situation.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Lioness

OT: I have heard this before and I think it is rorally unacceptable to pay the astronomical cost of a college education only to have unintelligible and/or incompetent professors. There should be a complaint procedure if there is a consensus among the students, where a dean or higher authority would have to observe the class and remedy the situation.

I'm personally glad for it. I think college *should* encourage a certain measure of teaching yourself. The good professors I had for other classes totally made up for the other professors who weren't so great.

[Lifeisamazing]

Originally Posted by James81

Sure. I'll define what I mean about achievement as well.

Achievement: the need to acquire something, or to do something, that sets you on a path from a lower level to some higher level. For example, the need to make more money, to have more stuff, to gain more status. It's almost supplicating in nature because you feel that you can't *be* something unless you have or do something that gets you to that level. And if you don't get to that level, then you're going to feel discontent until you do. (It's why personal development is such a hot idea...because it plays into that discontentment based on the thought that you are at one level and need to get to another level.)

Creation: An unconscious product of conscious desire. That is, the things that spring out of you naturally. We have a lot of this as kids. We play cops and robbers, we color, we draw, we play "let's pretend," games, etc. But we forget how to do it as adults. It's a playfulness, rooted in our most authentic desires. The end product is something that springs from the things that inspire us naturally, but a lot of times we tell ourselves we don't have time to do this because of our adult responsibilities.

Exploration: A bold curiosity about life and the world in which we live in. Travelling is a big aspect of exploration. Going new places, doing new things, having new experiences.

The disconnect betweeen creation and exploration and achievement, I think, is that we feel we can't live off of our creation/exploration. That the only way to make a living is to achieve something (like status, money, a career, a business, etc.).

To me, though, if you want have the best of both worlds, you just add focus. Which is seeing your creations and explorations through to completion in a way that provides value to others.

I really like this post. It's basically the same mentality as one of the lecturers had last week when he was talking about sports psychology. He said that you shouldn't see winning as an obligation but rather as a result of your good/hard work (learning, exploration, creating, adjusting). What really matters is that you fix certain elements, that you don't make the same mistakes again.

Boxer A wants to beat boxer B but fails to do that. He is frustrated that he didn't win. He shouldn't focus on that victory as much but rather on the elements he worked on for that fight. For instance, making his left hook stronger or something like. If he succeeded at that, then he has pretty much won. Fixing other elements for the next fights will likely lead to the overall victory.

[MrSam]

Originally Posted by Brutha

What kind of business do you want to start?

I'm not exactly clear on what exactly, but It'd be online based, With an information website and my own information products for sale but also eventually hard goods. I would also prefer to start a business in one of my interests( Skateboarding, Music, PD & business books, PD, Online marketing, Web 2.0 etc) but that is only a side to all of it. The process of starting up a business from scratch and working through all the issues, networking, that's what is important to me. I don't want to make huge money(although it'd be nice), That's just not one of my goals, I don't want to lose any either. I want something which is profitable ( no matter how little) and that I made.

[Brutha]

How do you think does being in France limits you from starting an online business?

That's an excuse that you make to avoid doing it. Reading business books or going through theory in university won't make you do it.
When you want to start an information website nobody really cares about whether you have an MBA. That another excuse to avoid doing it.

Do it. Expose yourself to real world feedback.

You can still decide to do an MBA. However don't procrastinate doing it.

Visit a few barcamps and soak up the atmosphere. When people ask you what you are about you will have to make some coherent self identity.

From you blog:
Hello again, it has been a while and I am sorry I haven’t stuck to my commitment of reading one book per week. That was possible back in the summer holidays but now that I have picked up school I just don’t have time to fit everything in. I hope you understand that I must find time to go to school from 8am to 6pm, work out, play basketball, play the guitar, skate and read.
No, we don't. We don't care for your excuses.

[MrSam]

You're probably very right.