Do more of the thing you feel you shouldn't be doing...

[James81]

This is my newest philosophy in life. And I am totally at peace because of it.

Imagine a football field. Two teams are lined up facing each other. You're trying to move the ball forward, but the defense is hammering you, and you clash with them and you only move the ball a few yards before you have to punt and the other team carries the ball in the opposite direction. Two steps forward, one step back. What a crappy game with loads of resistance.

Now imagine a racetrack. Everbody is headed in the same direction. Nobody is opposing either of you. Your goal is to move as fast as you can in the direction you are going.

If the purpose of your life game is to move forward, what dynamic do you think would best serve that? A football like paradigm where you feel there are things you should or shouldn't be doing, where you are both the offense and the defense at the same time? Or a racing pardigm where both your goals and the things that are opposite those goals are moving in the same direction?

I like the latter.

So, with that, I choose to do the things I previously had resistance to doing because I recognize that those things contain the essence of what I want to experience. I have a notion that I need to get off message boards? I spend MORE time on message boards rather than forcing myself away. And in doing so, I get it out of my system--so to speak. I get the experience that whatever I am resisting is serving me, and then I effortlessly shift gears into something else.

Do more of the thing you think you *should* walk away from and it loses it's power over you.

[elucidate]

Great! So I should just dump the idea that having sex with hundreds of guys I hardly know will be unhealthy for my energy body in the long run. YAY! I'm free...gonna run out and boink me a few locals now...cheers James

[Cochonette]

Hmm, I dunno... get it out of your system? Seems like this is only a piece of the pie here... I mean, it's one way... there are things I've done so much in the past that they now disgust me and do not interest me at all: video games, television, a particular food, and so on. But if I just did more junk-food-eating, I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable and not get it out of my system before doing a lot of permanent or long-term damage. Example, I used to eat way too much of grains; now I get a pain in my abdomen when I eat much of them, so I am cutting them out.

[James81]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Great! So I should just dump the idea that having sex with hundreds of guys I hardly know will be unhealthy for my energy body in the long run. YAY! I'm free...gonna run out and boink me a few locals now...cheers James

Are you really wanting to have sex with hundreds of guys though? Or is it more like you find yourself in a situation where you are wanting to have sex with a particular guy and you're choosing not to because you feel you shouldn't?

I think there's a big difference there. And you've also reminded me of a couple things to add to this post...

1. Always loom at the most authentic reasons for why you want to do a certain thing, to see what it is that you are truly wanting to experience from that thing.

2. No one perspective works in 100% of cases, even this one. So if this perspective doesn't serve you, then try something else. I think you'll find this idea works in most cases where there is resistance to doing a thing and you find you can't seem to control it. Sometimes all you need to do to let go if resistance is to give yourself permission to do the thing. When you do that, you may find your desire to do that thing greatly wanes or disappears entirely.

[elucidate]

I'm single, and in my "dirty 30's" and I don't go out on the prowl looking for the sexual adventures I'm supposed to be seeking, like other woman in this town do.

It's not that I think I 'shouldn't', it's more like I just don't really want to sleep with hundreds of men just because I can, so I guess it's different to restricting myself. I know I CAN, I just choose not to because casual sex doesn't really do it for me.

If anything I'm feeling some sort of internal pressure to 'should' want to because of my circumstances in my current reality. So really, it's more the opposite dilemma for me, in this example anyway.

There is a guy I like having sex with, but he is not good for me, and it's basically unhealthy for me, so, in that case I say I really 'shouldn't' go there with him again.

[spacecadetglow]

Yeah, I like it, I've used this perspective a bunch. Doesn't work with cigarettes, though. I quit cold turkey 5 days ago!

Intentional cognitive dissonance is great.

[Mounds]

Now I see where all that talk about resistance is coming from.

I'm thinking about this and I can't see it being anything other than self-destructive. Pretty much anything that I feel I shouldn't be doing has darn good reason for me not doing it.
As a matter of fact, I used to subscribe to the "through the fire" mentality. I'd treat it like a challenge. Let me just say this: in the battle between you and the world, bet on the world. Three years of smoking, two years of fulltime MMORPGs... never really did the trick for me.
Do you have some examples where this has helped you?

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Yeah, I like it, I've used this perspective a bunch. Doesn't work with cigarettes, though. I quit cold turkey 5 days ago!

Intentional cognitive dissonance is great.

I think it's OK to use this technique sparingly, but as with everything, moderation is the key.

I'm not going to spend more time with my son's father; I really want to avoid being around him all the time because he has an inability to put a muzzle on himself.

I probably shouldn't indulge in a cocaine binge, either; I am currently committed to staying away from hard drugs because they are for ****.

Also, I shouldn't impulsively spend all of the money I have in my wallet right now. Because I do have the desire to create more of a safety net.

God, please I don't want to force myself to interact with my insane exMIL, either. I might punch her in the face. Being around her makes me irritated because she's just starting the downward slide towards dementia.

[James81]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Yeah, I like it, I've used this perspective a bunch. Doesn't work with cigarettes, though. I quit cold turkey 5 days ago!

Intentional cognitive dissonance is great.

Funny, I was going to use smoking as an example of where this mindset has helped me. In fact, I've been considering making a thread about conscious smoking for a while now. Might do that later. I figure that'll blend some frogs, though, which is why I haven't made such a thread.

[Mounds]

Originally Posted by James81

Funny, I was going to use smoking as an example of where this mindset has helped me. In fact, I've been considering making a thread about conscious smoking for a while now. Might do that later. I figure that'll blend some frogs, though, which is why I haven't made such a thread.

Do the community a favor and don't pursue this. Every non-smoker who picks up a cigarette believes that they will be the ones who don't get addicted. That first cigarette you smoke costs you everything:

-money (hundreds of thousands over a lifetime)
-time from your life (years)
-potentially life threatening health issues (not to mention that you'll never breathe the same)

I was going to make a point of saying how dangerous this mindset is with addictive substances. Here's a demotivating quote for any aspiring "conscious smokers": what makes you think you've got what it takes to resist the addiction?
Not trying to piss on your parade James. I'm always reminded of Chris McCandless who went against all odds (wandered into the Alaskan wilderness) and failed miserably. People will always believe they can beat the odds and 90% of them will fail. This has been The TruthTM.

-Tim

PS. I don't disagree with YOU James, I severely disagree with the idea of consciously smoking. I've met people who treat tobacco as a commodity (smoke a few times a year). Even that is a slippery slope and I've fallen right back into addicitonville, thinking I would be the one to beat the odds.
Carry on!

[James81]

I smoke already. A huge chunk of why I continued to do it was because I was told not to do it.

Part of this exercise, for me, is providing a starting point for examining that part of me that wants to do something even more when people tell me not to do it.

I kind of envision that this is the first phase in a series of phases examining that. Like phase one is to give myself permission internally to do the things others say I shouldn't do. Phase 2 is ????. Phase 3 is be success.

(kudos if you get the reference.)

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by James81

I smoke already. A huge chunk of why I continued to do it was because I was told not to do it.

I don't know if this can be completely true, because nicotine is highly addictive, and many people who came of age in a time when smoking was not only en vogue, but encouraged (my Dad, for example, got cigarettes with his rations when he was in the Army, "for freeeeeeee!") also found it difficult if not impossible to quit.

I mean, it's just a physically addictive chemical compound. You can't deny the physiological lure. That can be so overpowering that you find a mind based reason for what is merely a physical craving. Add a little oral fixation to the mix and you've got a lifelong habit.

[Mounds]

Originally Posted by James81

I smoke already. A huge chunk of why I continued to do it was because I was told not to do it.

I guess my approach to discouraging someone from smoking would be not to tell them that they shouldn't do it but to let them know what the consequences are:

1. It is unimaginably hard to quit. Your entire life becomes built around cigarettes. Your friends, your break schedule, your quiet time. Were not even talking the chemical addiction.

2. It's hard on your body. I went through years where I couldn't do anything physical because I just didn't have the lung capacity.

3. You smell like ****. You don't smell it because you are used to it but to non-smokers, you smell like sour milk. It's horrendous.

4. It's expensive! A pack a day in Canada can cost you $4000 a year.

If none of that bothers you, go ahead and pick up your first cigarette

[James81]

Originally Posted by Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi

I don't know if this can be completely true, because nicotine is highly addictive, and many people who came of age in a time when smoking was not only en vogue, but encouraged (my Dad, for example, got cigarettes with his rations when he was in the Army, "for freeeeeeee!") also found it difficult if not impossible to quit.

I mean, it's just a physically addictive chemical compound. You can't deny the physiological lure. That can be so overpowering that you find a mind based reason for what is merely a physical craving. Add a little oral fixation to the mix and you've got a lifelong habit.

I know that that isn't the real reason I continued to do it. The *real* reason I continued to do it was because I chose to do it, and in choosing to do it I began to rely on the chemical dependency of the "drug" itself.

Under this current mindset of giving myself permission to do it has alleviated the anxiety behind doing it in the face if criticism. And in doing so, I've gone from a pack and a half a day of the long cigs to a half pack a day of the short cigs.

I've also detached from certain triggers. Smoking in the car and after meals as well as first thing in the morning. Those have happened rather naturally with little effort.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Mounds

I guess my approach to discouraging someone from smoking would be not to tell them that they shouldn't do it but to let them know what the consequences are:

1. It is unimaginably hard to quit. Your entire life becomes built around cigarettes. Your friends, your break schedule, your quiet time. Were not even talking the chemical addiction.

2. It's hard on your body. I went through years where I couldn't do anything physical because I just didn't have the lung capacity.

3. You smell like ****. You don't smell it because you are used to it but to non-smokers, you smell like sour milk. It's horrendous.

4. It's expensive! A pack a day in Canada can cost you $4000 a year.

If none of that bothers you, go ahead and pick up your first cigarette

Thing is, there's not a person on the planet who is not aware of those consequences. Do you realize just how much antismoking propaganda is out there? And how all of it mentions everything you just posted?

Yet people continue to remind smokers of that stuff as if we don't realize it.

Consequence based discussion is a rather weak argument to a smoker. People smoke despite knowing all of that. I've explored several reasons as to why that is, but, frankly that's taking the thread somewhere I'm not interested in going.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by James81

Consequence based discussion is a rather weak argument to a smoker. People smoke despite knowing all of that. I've explored several reasons as to why that is, but, frankly that's taking the thread somewhere I'm not interested in going.

Simple answers: because smoking is a feel good activity. Because most of the propaganda can be fear-based.

[James81]

Originally Posted by st33med

Simple answers: because smoking is a feel good activity. Because most of the propaganda can be fear-based.

It had more to do with attaching to the act of smoking coping mechanisms for things we unconsciously feel we are unequiped to deal with consciously.

Consequence based discussion feeds the anxiety that a smoker faces, which is typically one of the very emotions they are unequipped with dealing with.

In other words, telling a smoker that they need to quit for those reasons is actually a trigger that makes them want a cigarette. Lol!

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by James81

It had more to do with attaching to the act of smoking coping mechanisms for things we unconsciously feel we are unequiped to deal with consciously.

Consequence based discussion feeds the anxiety that a smoker faces, which is typically one of the very emotions they are unequipped with dealing with.

In other words, telling a smoker that they need to quit for those reasons is actually a trigger that makes them want a cigarette. Lol!

It's so true, lol.

I quit because I wanted to throw that crutch away. I like the feeling of being without a crutch; it builds character. It's forcing me to face my feelings instead of distracting myself with a cigarette.

Plus, someone told me a story of someone who smoked for 22 years, then stopped for 20 more, but now has lung cancer because of it. Yikes.

I'm with Lakshy on this one though, the chemical dependency can do all sorts of things to your mind.

I do get where you're coming from though, with the giving yourself permission thing. That also has helped me curb some bad habits.

[Mounds]

Not sure what to say about the anti-smoking propoganda. In Canada, I think it's reasonably effective. You see a lot less young people smoking. Not to mention that it's become more difficult (can't smoke in any public places including bars).
Quick tangent: why do you think people do the exact opposite of what they're told? Is that some sort of an independence thing?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Mounds

Not sure what to say about the anti-smoking propoganda. In Canada, I think it's reasonably effective. You see a lot less young people smoking. Not to mention that it's become more difficult (can't smoke in any public places including bars).
Quick tangent: why do you think people do the exact opposite of what they're told? Is that some sort of an independence thing?

It's actually more dependence really. To do the opposite of something just because someone tells you NOT to do that thing, is still living at effect to that person.

Rather than do the opposite, I think syncing up with our own most authentic desires is freeing in a way that can't be written about, can only be experienced.

That being said, I think that we do the opposite as a youthful way to declare our independence, not realizing that we aren't really being independent in doing that. Then, some of us never grow out of it.

[DominicJackson]

Interesting you say this I was meant to go and sound engineer last night and because of my anxiety of seeing all my old friends i ended up crying for hours and spazing out. I couldn't go and let everyone down including all my old friends and my half sister (her birthday). I know this sounds ignorant but what do you expect me to do? Go and breakdown in front of everyone like some kind of freak?

The whole situation reminded me of a time when I was forced b my mother to jump down one of those massive vertical slides, you get them at the seaside in england. I was about 8-12 (memory not so good). I was petrified and shivering, dribbling practically pissing my pants I had a thing about hights. Well after ages of me standing at the top shitting my pants my mum said she would never speak to me again if I didn't go down. So I was forced in a really un helpfull way to do it. In the end I did it of course and I got a big cheer from the other people there with their kids. But the moral of the story is I got this massive scratch down my back and didn't enjoy it at all! So was it worth it? Emotionall scaring myself and physically? I guess maybe as I am not so scared of hights now. But I saw a parallel with last night when i let everyone down and couldn't handle going into a social situation like that. I knew if i went I would feel soooo bad i would probably cry in front of everyone and would def not be able to do my job engineering. Instead I watched lots of interesting documentaries and had a good nights sleep.

[Canadian]

Thanks very much for the thread! I am happiest and most productive when I live like this, but I keep slipping back to my old habits, so thanks for making this thread which reminded me to snap out of it.

I would spend a lot of time thinking of how I shouldn't procrastinate while procrastinating practically all the time, and I didn't particularly enjoy myself because I rarely gave myself license to fully immerse myself in anything I was doing, so I would always be low on energy and never get anything productive done. Or I could actually enjoy the "procrastination" and then whenever I happen to get around to doing something "productive" I will be doing so with vim and vigour and all that jazz.

I just realized while typing this that possibly a big part of why I don't naturally stay in the mindset of doing what I desire and not controlling myself is because I am attached to the idea that I should be able to control when I work on my projects, as in having a schedule. Hmmm...