Getting what you want

[Angela]

Actually, of all the people here, Angela probably scares me the most. It's that "getting what you want" thing.

Solipsist mentioned this the other day, and made a follow-up quip or two, and with his permission, I am opening it up for discussion. (And by the way, I refer to you as a him, have I got that right?)

So, Solipsist, what is the "getting what you want" thing and why does it scare you that I do it?

[Casey Lake]

Interesting question. I think something like this mindset is possibly responsible for many of the reasons goals fail. Perhaps we are conditioned to self sabotage achievements which are seen by society as "too big" and a core point of personal development is to transcend that. Perhaps we are conditioned because a perception of resource scarcity.

Great question! It is something I have wondered about many times.

[Angela]

Thanks for responding, Casey Lake, and welcome to the forums!

I suspect Solipsist has reasons for not yet responding to the question, and I'm quite sure he has some very interesting thoughts about it -- a whole different model of the world than one in which "getting the results you want" figures. I'm looking forward to reading!

[Daffy Duck]

Hmm. I don't know any of the context, but perhaps the idea of "getting what you want" sounds dangerous because it could be taken as, "I'll get what I want, even if it hurts other people."

But I know the "getting what you want" that Angela speaks of is not the kind that promotes hurting others.

[Angela]

Thanks for that, Daffy.

[Firefly101]

Rats!
I'm going to work now and will have to wait hours to read the posts here!

Intriguing...

[Angela]

At one point, Solipsist mentioned his value of simply being the values that Eckhart Tolle describes as non-emotions, oppositeless emotions: Love, Peace, Joy. I got the feeling that there is some way in which desire or striving or getting the results you want occurs in some way for Solipsist that threatens or moves one out of those values.

I've heard and read people extolling the virtues of giving up desire, and I wonder if it's related to this? Although, wanting to be free of desire is itself a result that one wants.

[Ikkyo]

I'm going to qoute Will Smith here:

This is what I BELIEVE and I'm WILLING to DIE for it!

If you use it in the context of Truth, Power and Love its all you need to know.

When I started living by that quote I'm getting what I want.

I don't thinks it's desire that is the problem, it's attachment to physical things or emotional feelings thats the problem.

If someone is willing to hurt people for their desires it's probably because they are attached to physical things.

Just my 2 cents

[Angela]

When I talk about "getting the results you want," I'm usually talking about the heart's desire -- that is, what it is you'll really be generating for yourself and for the world that you value, when you get what you want.

The heart's desire is often something like the oppositeless values I listed above: Love, Peace, Joy... and it could also be a particular flavor of those values, like: Connection, Freedom, Excitement, Fun, Abundance, Engagement, etc. etc. ..

The more I focus on the heart's desire inside of a result I want, the possibility I'm generating for myself and for the world, the more powerfully, movingly, and quickly I get what I want. When I'm not clear on the heart's desire, like when I'm focusing on the things 'n stuff, signposts that represent the heart's desire, I tend to not generate it as quickly or as inspiringly. That works well, I think, because I prefer not to have my life cluttered with things 'n stuff that have nothing to do with what I'm really up to in life. I think there are lots of people who do focus on the lower levels of desire without bothering to distinguish what it represents for them, and it gets them off-track -- they wake up one day asking themselves, "how in the world did I end up here, surrounded by a houseful of stuff I never use and don't value, going on vacations that feel like chores, married to a person I never really knew?"

The midlife crisis -- the anytime in life crisis -- is, I think, the sense of being disconnected from the heart's desires.

Fortunately that's not a tragedy; it's only feedback. It's a message, an angel, that is saying: ok, time to focus: what is it I want that, if I were to have, be, or do it, I would be totally lit up and inspired? What brand new possibility do I want to be the source of for myself, my family, my community, and the world?

And when you generate that, you can actually transform yourself into BEING it, just like that - *POOF*! And then the occurrence of the signposts and representations transforms, as well -- the things 'n stuff you thought you wanted look different suddenly, often just becoming trinkets and baubles that you don't really want after all, and sometimes looking like fun games (instead of stressful, far-away someday-type yearnings.)

Too, when you get in touch with your heart's desires, it can point you towards the ways you have been getting in your own way: like the woman who deeply desires a fulfilling relationship with a man; if only men weren't mostly such assh*les! Or the guy who desires more of a social life, but feels like he can't because people aren't interested in the same things he is. And on and on. That kind of having one foot on the gas and the other on the brake suddenly becomes comedy when you get in touch with your heart's desire.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Ikkyo

I don't thinks it's desire that is the problem, it's attachment to physical things or emotional feelings thats the problem.

Hi, Ikkyo, you're right, maybe that's the thing that occurs as "scary." Collapsing together "attachment" and "desire."

[Casey Lake]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Hmm. I don't know any of the context, but perhaps the idea of "getting what you want" sounds dangerous because it could be taken as, "I'll get what I want, even if it hurts other people."

But I know the "getting what you want" that Angela speaks of is not the kind that promotes hurting others.

Indeed. As the personal development guru Brian Tracy points out any goal can be achieved but are you willing to pay the price?

An interesting angle and something which may apply to the forum user in question is does he or she always assume there will be some loss to someone or something else in achieving a goal or getting what you want?

Do people here in general believe this to be true? Does someone or something else always have to suffer at the expense of your achievement? Like the universe has to put itself back in balance. If it gives to one, something else has to pay the price. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Perhaps that is why we are conditioned in some respects to fail. Is the price paid even in our own consciousness?

I am trying to think over goals I have achieved or events where I have got what I wanted and am trying to think if someone apart from me, had to pay the price for my success.

[Casey Lake]

Originally Posted by Angela

Thanks for responding, Casey Lake, and welcome to the forums!

I suspect Solipsist has reasons for not yet responding to the question, and I'm quite sure he has some very interesting thoughts about it -- a whole different model of the world than one in which "getting the results you want" figures. I'm looking forward to reading!

Thank you for the welcome Angela!

It is a great angle to come from and I am looking forward to hearing the responses on here!

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by Angela

-- they wake up one day asking themselves, "how in the world did I end up here, surrounded by a houseful of stuff I never use and don't value, going on vacations that feel like chores, married to a person I never really knew?"

Shameless pop culture reference: YouTube - Talking Heads - "Once In A Lifetime"

The lyrics pretty much nail this!

Originally Posted by Angela

And when you generate that, you can actually transform yourself into BEING it, just like that - *POOF*!

It's the "just like that" part that blows my mind. Really?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Shameless pop culture reference: YouTube - Talking Heads - "Once In A Lifetime"

The lyrics pretty much nail this!

I thought about making that explicit "Is this my beautiful wife?" and decided to leave it implicit --- I'm glad you caught it.

It's the "just like that" part that blows my mind. Really?

Yup! Really. Just. like. that. Transformation happens in the blink of an eye.

For instance, one moment I was the shyest person on the planet, and the next I was free and connected, and it was hard to even conjure the feeling of "shyness" in my body. It took me a day or so to summon the courage to actually be the cause of transformation, but making the shift only took a moment, like any shift. Now, I can barely remember what shy feels like.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by Angela

I thought about making that explicit "Is this my beautiful wife?" and decided to leave it implicit --- I'm glad you caught it.

I'm getting to the point where I can come up with a song or movie quote or scene that connects just about any situation. Or at least ones I'm interested in. If I could figure out how to make money with all the pop culture trivia stored in my head....

Originally Posted by Angela

Yup! Really. Just. like. that. Transformation happens in the blink of an eye.

For instance, one moment I was the shyest person on the planet, and the next I was free and connected, and it was hard to even conjure the feeling of "shyness" in my body. It took me a day or so to summon the courage to actually be the cause of transformation, but making the shift only took a moment, like any shift. Now, I can barely remember what shy feels like.

Hmmm. Seems, simple. But yet most of us don't just transform ourselves in a blink. What am I missing?

Don't mean to re-direct the OP. Esp. if Solipsist shows up.

thx

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Hmmm. Seems, simple. But yet most of us don't just transform ourselves in a blink. What am I missing?

You're only missing the technique! There are a bunch of techniques for transforming yourself in a blink, including having a session with me. I also highly recommend the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course, if you haven't heard me say that already. I think you and your wife might enjoy doing it together, actually. The key is to be at cause in the matter of your transformation -- being the source of it, rather than waiting for someone or something else to *make* you shift. It happens, that blow from beyond, but you could wait a long time for it.

Don't mean to re-direct the OP. Esp. if Solipsist shows up.

I'm just chatting, biding my time till Solipsist is ready. Another cup of tea?

[James81]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Hmmm. Seems, simple. But yet most of us don't just transform ourselves in a blink. What am I missing?

That it's not a "one and done" thing. Transformation is instant in the moment that you choose it. But it doesn't necessarily become your default state of being until you consciously choose the transformation enough over time to create a habit of it.

That's the part I wrestled with quite a bit in previous months. I thought "Oh, I am not transformed, I can now go about my merry way as a new being!"

Haha...the reality was quite different from that.

[VinceG]

When somebody PMs me asking for help, the first thing I reply with is to ask them to take their deepest desire, turn that into a question and ask it to me.

The gateway to change is desire. You have to want it. If you don't want it, you'll never get it. If you want a relationship, then you have to admit to yourself that you want one, and start working overtly for it. There's something about this admission of desire that's very important for effective action or effective transformation.

As for instantaneous transformation, it's interesting, but I'd rather transform myself gradually. People win the lottery a lot, and most of the time, they fritter away the millions on stupid stuff. Not saying instantaneous transformation doesn't exist, it absolutely does, but there's a devil there that will rob you of much of the gains after a short period of time.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by Angela

You're only missing the technique! There are a bunch of techniques for transforming yourself in a blink, including having a session with me. I also highly recommend the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course, if you haven't heard me say that already. I think you and your wife might enjoy doing it together, actually. The key is to be at cause in the matter of your transformation -- being the source of it, rather than waiting for someone or something else to *make* you shift. It happens, that blow from beyond, but you could wait a long time for it.



I'm just chatting, biding my time till Solipsist is ready. Another cup of tea?

Why certainly! How about a nice English Breakfast, or a Darjeeling?

I have seen you mention the Landmark Forum, I'm checking out the web site now. And yes, I promise, we will have a session. It's all in the $$. I don't know about my wife on this, not sure where that's going at all yet. (I'll keep that on my own thread).

Just seems like magic? I mean having the technique is really that powerful?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by James81

That it's not a "one and done" thing. Transformation is instant in the moment that you choose it. But it doesn't necessarily become your default state of being until you consciously choose the transformation enough over time to create a habit of it.

It's like balance. There was a time in your life when you didn't have access to the balance it takes to ride a bike. You learned how to ride a bike, but what happened in an instant was that you were transformed from a person who was unbalanced to a person was Being Balance. Once you generated that -- and you did generate it! -- it was yours forever. But, there's no rule that says you have to keep accessing it as a resource. Some people move into mastery of Being Balance -- gymnasts, pro bicyclists, basketball players, etc.... and some people just live a more sedentary lifestyle that doesn't call on them to access that resource as much -- and yet 30 years later, if you get on a bike, you don't have to re-learn Being Balance. You may be a bit wobbly, but it doesn't take long to summon that way of being into your body and pedal off like crazy towards the beach.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by VinceG

As for instantaneous transformation, it's interesting, but I'd rather transform myself gradually. People win the lottery a lot, and most of the time, they fritter away the millions on stupid stuff. Not saying instantaneous transformation doesn't exist, it absolutely does, but there's a devil there that will rob you of much of the gains after a short period of time.

That's a good example of what I'm not talking about when I talk about transformation or heart's desires. Instantly winning a big jackpot is a transformation of your circumstances, but it's not the *POOF* transformation I'm talking about, which is a transformation of you you are Being, being as a resource for yourself and for the world.

When you generate an instant transformation in an inspiring way of being, it's yours forever ... you can't be robbed of it and you can't go broke.

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's a good example of what I'm not talking about when I talk about transformation or heart's desires. Instantly winning a big jackpot is a transformation of your circumstances, but it's not the *POOF* transformation I'm talking about, which is a transformation of you you are Being, being as a resource for yourself and for the world.

When you generate an instant transformation in an inspiring way of being, it's yours forever ... you can't be robbed of it and you can't go broke.

Not sure how much of what you're saying differs from what I would call an epiphany.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Just seems like magic? I mean having the technique is really that powerful?

Yes, it just seems like magic. Is it really that powerful? Well, would you feel powerful if you felt like you could have anything you want, and feel any way you want to feel, to inspire and assist others in doing the same for themselves, and do it with velocity? To me, that is powerful.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by VinceG

Not sure how much of what you're saying differs from what I would call an epiphany.

An epiphany, as I see it, is an insight -- a new occurring in your self or in the world that, once you see it, you can't unsee it. It may or may not result in a transformation in your way of being.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, would you feel powerful if you felt like you could have anything you want, and feel any way you want to feel, to inspire and assist others in doing the same for themselves, and do it with velocity?

Yes. I especially key on the 'velocity' part. Even when I am able to have what I want, lots of things seem to take longer than you think they ought to.

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by Angela

It took me a day or so to summon the courage to actually be the cause of transformation, but making the shift only took a moment, like any shift. Now, I can barely remember what shy feels like.

OK, this looks like a pretty good example.
I like it when a desire can be put into words like this. Like, "I want to not be shy anymore."

If all of our desires could be so categorized, that would be wonderful.

But I can't think of a single desire that I have that could be verbalized this way. In fact, I can't think of a single desire I have at all, that I truly want from the bottom of my being.

Because every time I did, I figured out how to satisfy it.

These days what I want is more so a refinement. I don't really want a million dollars, though I wouldn't turn it down or just give it way. I want to take the life I'm living and make it better. I want to eliminate the parts I don't want, and add in parts I do. But it's not so easy to say exactly which parts I want to get rid of, or to say which parts I do want.

There's opportunity costs to navigate. There's parts I love about all my life. Stopping certain parts would involve stopping those things I love. Taking time and effort to not get rid of those parts that would have, involves taking time and effort away from other things I want to do.

So what it becomes is a balancing act for which the very idea of "transforming" seems counter-productive to.

Transformation sounds very good to people with lives they hate. For me, I can't imagine a single thing I'd want to transform.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Yes. I especially key on the 'velocity' part. Even when I am able to have what I want, lots of things seem to take longer than you think they ought to.

In my experience, most heart's desires boil down to a state, an experience of being. The nice thing is that you can have any state you want, any time you want it.

There are some outwardly expressed goals, too, that are expressed in time, like your desire to be a father, for instance. You won't actually be a father --circumstantially -- until that moment when you are holding your beautiful baby in your arms. My experience of the circumstantial heart's desires is that they occur much more easily and effortlessly when you adjust your way of being in a way that makes a difference in your life. (I don't know what that way of being is for you, I know is your next question -- it's the way of being that inspires you and has you feeling like you're being warm arms for that beautiful baby, when it arrives. That's your job to consider what that ready state is for you -- you'll know it when it feels like delicious, delightful anticipation of everything you want, rather than the stressful feeling of lacking what you don't have, you know what I mean?)

[spacecadetglow]

What about working for transformation? Earning it, so to speak?

I'm not sure I want everything that I desire handed to me on a silver platter. It's come up for me that maybe I feel like I don't deserve to feel good until I've worked hard at feeling good. I'm not sure I want to believe otherwise, either. Isn't there much more wisdom to be shared from a lifetime of experience and lessons learned than "hey, I took this weekend seminar once, all you need to do is pay $300 for enlightenment and it's yours!"

Of course, if I paid $300 for that, I'm sure I'd do a great job of convincing myself it was worth it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by VinceG

OK, this looks like a pretty good example.
I like it when a desire can be put into words like this. Like, "I want to not be shy anymore."

Actually, I didn't distinguish that desire, "I want to not be shy anymore." When I was looking at what I'd like for myself, not being shy anymore didn't even occur to me, because shyness was so much a part of who I was being that it felt like reality. I was doing fine; I mean, I had managed to find ways to deal with my shyness, and even occurred to others as being very outgoing!

What I was looking at at the time was: "how can I love my life more?" I had a great life, things were going well, good job, good friends, etc. And when I started to boldly look at what would have me really making a big leap in what was possible in my life, and what was keeping me from doing that, I saw that I had been believing some old beliefs that weren't serving me well anymore. It was examining those beliefs that gave me the wonderfully unexpected gift of seeing what my heart's desire truly was -- to be Free AND Connected -- and in that moment -- POOF! -- I was. I got up that night and spoke to a crowd of 400 people and felt free and connected, without a trace of shyness; I felt like each of those people had transformed from being something to protect myself from to being an opportunity for everything I'm here for. People looked different to me, from that moment on.

Transformation sounds very good to people with lives they hate. For me, I can't imagine a single thing I'd want to transform.

Transformation is very good for people with lives they hate, and it's also wonderful with people with lives that work really well. Wherever you are, however life is occurring for you, shifting your perspective and getting learnings -- and generating a way of being for yourself that lights you up, inspires you, and has you occurring like a source of it in the world -- is available, and I would say that's a good thing.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

What about working for transformation? Earning it, so to speak?

I'm not sure I want everything that I desire handed to me on a silver platter. It's come up for me that maybe I feel like I don't deserve to feel good until I've worked hard at feeling good. I'm not sure I want to believe otherwise, either. Isn't there much more wisdom to be shared from a lifetime of experience and lessons learned than "hey, I took this weekend seminar once, all you need to do is pay $300 for enlightenment and it's yours!"

Of course, if I paid $300 for that, I'm sure I'd do a great job of convincing myself it was worth it.

I wonder if that relates to what Solipsist was saying? Getting what we want, just like that, feels pretty unsettling.