My Challenge

[st33med]

I've just recently made a discovery that I rely too much on advice. I am scared when the decision comes to rest to me and me only. When I don't have my mother, a friend, or an adviser to talk to right there, I believe I will not handle the situation right. I get scared. It's been programmed with my gremlin, "I am powerless," which I do not believe. It's time for me to override this train of thought and make a decision on a whim by myself when I know it's my entire responsibility right now to make a choice, -- to do something -- not when someone tells me to.

So now I plan to notice when I have been handed the choice to do something and seriously think about it without outside aid at first. Soon, I plan to start a blog with my own free will. I am scared of revealing my name, but it's more authentic of me to do this.

I also need to stop beating myself up and being hard on myself when I believe I have made a bad choice with negative consequences. I want to remind myself that this was a choice that I made and forgive myself for choosing this path. In other words, I want to start consciously and autonomously forgiving myself so I don't go into an anxiety attack and feeling miserable. This drags down a lot of people, including me.
The way I have been dealing with these emotions from anxiety is by repressing them. That is really unhealthy for me, and I want to stop and notice what I truly feel instead of hiding my emotions from myself.

Why am I posting here? A journal of sorts for me to keep track of myself. I would also love some suggestions and support in this thread. I believe I have a good plan, but any help is welcome.

EDIT: I also just realized that these repressed emotions maybe coming back to haunt me when I need to make a decision and I let them paralyze me. It happens with homework, ill days, finances, etc. It all propels me to feeling absolutely powerless because I believe I will fail to make a difference or do things right. It also happens to stress me out while I am doing things. I need to listen to these emotions that I have shut because I believed I didn't have the resources to handle them and let them go with love.

Love and forgiveness,
Andrew

[VinceG]

Andrew, I think you would be well served by creating a short list of your goals, one per line. Put them in this thread and refer back to it often and measure your progress against them.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by VinceG

Andrew, I think you would be well served by creating a short list of your goals, one per line. Put them in this thread and refer back to it often and measure your progress against them.

A few goals right now:

• Start a blog. It'll be awhile from now as I am still getting myself organized and ready for it, mentally and physically.
• Find out more about what makes me tick.

Thanks for the idea.

I have recently pondered why I have craved attention. I was needy for attention, and I still am. Or maybe was. Anyway, I asked myself why I absolutely NEEDED other's attention, even though I was not going or hinder myself if I didn't. This goes a long ways back, even before I was in grade school. I don't' exactly remember, but it was a message about attention to myself as a child -- maybe from my mother. I imagined myself holding my baby self in my arms, cradling him, and saying that you don't need others to fulfill your own attention wants. I realized I was telling myself that and it felt good just holding myself as I stopped crying.

I never valued my own attention towards myself. That made me laugh when I realized it. Dunno why.

I asked myself, why? Why do I not value it? The answer surprised me and made sense: I considered self pampering and attention to myself as evil and wrong. I was afraid of turning into someone evil by giving too much of it. I still don't know where or when I got this belief from, but it rings true. And yet, it is not true.

I would always have this thought that popped in my head that said "Are you OK?" when I am under stress. I believe it might have been my intuition. I would answer it as best as I could, yet still feel unsatisfied with how I replied. I realize now that answering the question wasn't important; it was about the emotional support and care I would be giving myself.

I guess the next step is whenever I feel stressed, I implement self-advocacy and self-support. Now, those affirmations you said would work wonders now, VinceG. (I haven't forgotten it. )

That was a lot to type and I feel relieved for discovering it. I would feel more relieved if my sinuses stopped bothering me!

Andrew

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by st33med

[*]Find out more about what makes me tick.

Self-discovery is an ongoing activity. Unless you have some specific, actionable ideas for doing this in the short term, I'd replace it with something more concrete. The danger you're getting into here is fizzling out after a few weeks because you haven't taken the time to think carefully about your goals themselves.

As for the blog, you will be better served putting the blog in your shortlist when you're ready to take it on. If you're really serious about the blog, then you should be thinking about all of those "getting organized and ready for it" goals.

Now, those affirmations you said would work wonders now, VinceG. (I haven't forgotten it. )

Your affirmations should be in the short list of goals.
* Do affirmations daily for 30 days

Is a good goal. As preparation for a blog, you could have:
* Keep a daily journal

In there too. Maybe:
* Go for a 30 minute jog every day.

Are you starting to get the idea?